Sue Scheff: Teen Dating Violence
by Sue Scheff on Apr 15, 2010
Recent studies show dating violence is on the rise among teens, taking a slight upturn during this recession. What does this mean? We, as parents need to talk to our children about the red flags of what can lead to sexual abuse, dating violence and other types of unacceptable behavior. During the phrase of young love, some teens think it is o-kay to be treated harshly. Whether it is verbal or physical, it is wrong. Connect with Kids recently posted an article with excellent insights and tips into dating violence. Read more.
Source: Connect with Kids
Dating Violence
“I never felt like I was being hurt or anything, it was just a back and forth kind of yelling, nothing more than that.”
– Cameron, 14 years old
The Indiana legislature recently passed “Heather’s Law,” a new bill that encourages schools to address the issue of dating violence. At least four other states have introduced similar legislation this year – and others plan to follow.
Recent studies show dating violence is on the rise among teens, taking a slight upturn during this recession.
How can we talk with our kids about love… and hurt?
Many teens, so swept up in the hot romance of their first love, often fail to see the signs that their relationship may be on thin ice.
Growing up we often romanticize relationships, with a notion that everything is always wonderful and fine…a fairy tale and men and women treat each other equally.
“I never felt like I was being hurt or anything, it was just a back and forth kind of yelling, nothing more than that,” says 14-year-old Cameron.
But experts say many teens who tolerate verbal abuse later discover that abuse turns physical.
“He slammed me on the bed, that’s the only thing he did, he had me pinned down…I’m just punching, kicking him all in his stomach, groin, whatever,” describes 17-year-old Brittany.
Studies show that violence is an element of about 10 percent of all dating relationships. Some reports indicate an increase that may be tied to the harassment, name calling and ridicule that takes place on the Internet.
What can parents do?
Jasmine Willis, a dating violence expert, says that parents need to teach their kids how to communicate in a dating relationship.
“Sit down and talk with the child about what is communication and what it means to be in a healthy relationship,” says Willis.
The problem, says Willis, is that many young lovers don’t have clearly defined limits, and don’t know what to do when things in a relationship turn sour.
“…the first you need to do in coming to terms with what is going on in this relationship and the second thing that I would suggest you do is talk to a friend, a family member or someone in your school you can really trust.”
Perhaps with those lessons in mind, when kids to fall in love, it won’t be a fall that hurts.
Tips for Parents
Dating violence is defined as the physical, sexual or psychological/emotional violence that occurs within a dating relationship. Destructive relationships during the teen years can lead to lifelong unhealthy relationship practices, may disrupt normal development, and can contribute to other unhealthy behaviors in teens that can lead to chronic mental and physical health conditions in adulthood.
According to the Centers for Disease Control 2007 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System, one in 10 adolescents reports being a victim of physical dating violence; one in 4 adolescents report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse each year, about 72 percent of eighth and ninth graders report “dating,” and teen dating abuse most often takes place in the home of one of the partners. Teens who were physically hurt by a dating partner were more likely to say they engage in risky sexual behavior, binge drink, use drugs, attempt suicide, and participate in physical fights.
Dating violence is not just abuse by young men against young women. The bullying, verbal abuse, and physical violence works both ways. It happens when one of the people in a relationship has a fundamental lack of self-esteem.
In January 2010, Congress passed Senate Resolution 373 designating February as “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month,” citing the following statistics:
- 20 percent of teen girls exposed to physical dating violence did not attend school because the teen girls felt unsafe either at school, or on the way to or from school, on 1 or more occasions in a 30-day period.
- Digital abuse and “sexting” is becoming a new frontier for teen dating abuse, with one in four teens in a relationship say they have been called names, harassed, or put down by their partner through cell phones and texting. Three in 10 young people have sent or received nude pictures of other young people on their cell or online, and 61 percent who have ”sexted” report being pressured to do so at least once. Targets of digital abuse are almost 3 times as likely to contemplate suicide as those who have not encountered such abuse (8 percent vs. 3 percent), and targets of digital abuse are nearly 3 times more likely to have considered dropping out of school.
- Being physically and sexually abused leaves teen girls up to 6 times more likely to become pregnant and more than 2 times as likely to report a sexually transmitted disease.
So what can be done to stop teen dating violence? According to a 2007 survey of teens by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy, teens say that parents most influence their decisions about dating and relationships. Parents should talk with their teens about the characteristics of a healthy relationship, pointing out that any type of violence or power and control within a relationship is not healthy. Teens need to learn about dating violence before they start dating.
References
- National Conference of State Legislatures
- The Library of Congress
- The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy
Learn more at Love is Not Abuse.
Tags: Connect with Kids, Dating Violence, Love is not abuse, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Sue Scheff, teen dating violence, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month
by Sue Scheff on Feb 19, 2010
This month is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Since 2006 Congress has officially recognized the first week in February as “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week,” and this year, for the first time, Congress has designated the entire month as a time to raise awareness of this important issue!
You can do your part to raise awareness of teen dating violence and abuse this month by encouraging people to join the MADE (Moms And Dads for Education To Stop Teen Dating Abuse) movement! ANYONE can join the MADE coalition by visiting: http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made/petition.html
Parents need to open the lines of communication with their teens. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that provides information and tools that men, women, children, teens and corporate executives can use to learn more about the issue and find out how they can help end this epidemic of domestic violence.
Love is Not Abuse also offers a Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence. This can help you to start the conversation. Also visit Love is Respect for more valuable information.
During this month of February when love is in the air, take the time to show your love to your kids and sit down and talk about this serious subject. If you are a teacher, please take a few minutes to discuss this topic. You never know who is listening and what you may be preventing.
Happy Valentine’s Day and remember, it is not about “being mine” as it is about “being kind.”
Pass it on. Watch video here and read more on Examiner.
Tags: Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sexual Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Dating, Teen Dating Abuse, teen dating violence, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month
by Sue Scheff on Feb 06, 2010
This month is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Since 2006 Congress has officially recognized the first week in February as “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week,” and this year, for the first time, Congress has designated the entire month as a time to raise awareness of this important issue!
You can do your part to raise awareness of teen dating violence and abuse this month by encouraging people to join the MADE (Moms And Dads for Education To Stop Teen Dating Abuse) movement! ANYONE can join the MADE coalition by visiting: http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made/petition.html
Parents need to open the lines of communication with their teens. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that provides information and tools that men, women, children, teens and corporate executives can use to learn more about the issue and find out how they can help end this epidemic of domestic violence.
Love is Not Abuse also offers a Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence. This can help you to start the conversation. Also visit Love is Respect for more valuable information.
During this month of February when love is in the air, take the time to show your love to your kids and sit down and talk about this serious subject. If you are a teacher, please take a few minutes to discuss this topic. You never know who is listening and what you may be preventing.
Happy Valentine’s Day and remember, it is not about “being mine” as it is about “being kind.”
Pass it on.
Read more on Examiner and watch video.
Tags: Love is not abuse, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sexual Assault, Sue Scheff, teen dating violence, Teen Help, Teen Sexual Abuse
Sue Scheff: Teen Dating Abuse and Violence
by Sue Scheff on Nov 02, 2009
With the recent gang rape of a 15 year-old girl in Richmond, California, our country is awakening to one of the ugliest forms of abuse to teens. Sexual abuse, assault and rape of teens are horrendous and more attention needs to be brought on this subject.
Teen dating violence and abuse is an issue parents need to be aware of and learn more about. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that was founded in 1991 by Liz Claiborne Inc. Everyone needs to take the time to be an educated parent; you will have a safer teen.
Love is Not Abuse posted an informational letter from an expert on Teen Dating Abuse. Please learn more now and explore their website for more resources.
A Letter to Parents on Teen Dating Abuse from Pediatrician and Expert, Dr. Elizabeth Miller
Dear Parents/Guardians/Educators,
As a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I am often asked by other parents to talk about the warning signs of dating abuse, what parents should be looking for, and how they can help their child navigate out of an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions.
A Common Characteristic
A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one’s social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time “just the two of us,” and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, “You must not love me.”
Creating this isolation and dissolution of one’s social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant.
Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. “They must love me because they just want to spend time with me.”
Warning Signs
While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:
•no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
•wearing the same clothing
•distracted when spoken to
•constantly checking cell phone, gets extremely upset
when asked to turn phone off
•withdrawn, quieter than usual
•angry, irritable when asked how they are doing
•making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend
•showering immediately after getting home
•unexplained scratches or bruises
Sexual coercion and violence are also not uncommon in teen dating abuse. Again, because of the emotional abuse and control, victims of sexual violence may be convinced that they are to blame for what has happened. “You’d do this if you loved me” or “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll leave you” are common examples of sexual coercion. In some instances, girls in abusive relationships describe how their partners actively tried to get them pregnant. Rarely do teens disclose such sexual abuse to their parents as they may feel shameful, guilty, and scared. Parents need to be aware of the possibility of sexual abuse, and to ensure that they communicate with their child that they are never to blame if someone tries to make them do things sexually that they don’t want to do. And certainly, that no one ever has the right to put their hands on them, period. The physical and sexual violence can escalate quickly in these unhealthy relationships where the abusive partner has significant control over the other.
Advice for Parents
Perhaps the best advice for parents is to start talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on with your child. Sharing the warning signs of teen dating abuse with your child and saying, “If you know someone who’s experiencing something like this, let’s talk about it, let’s talk about how you can be a good friend and help them stay safe.” Please assure your child that they are not to blame for an unhealthy relationship, and that you are available to help them be safe and happy. Please avail yourself of the many good resources available on teen dating abuse for youth and adults.
For more information on teen dating violence and abuse: Stop It Now, MADE Coalition, Love is Respect, S.A.A.R.A., Rachel Simmons (Huffington Post).
Also on Examiner.com
Tags: Gang Rape, Love is not abuse, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teen Dating Abuse, teen dating violence, Teen Depression, Teen Help
