Sue Scheff: Parent Denial – Not My Kid
by Sue Scheff on Feb 08, 2010
After speaking with Dr. Drew last week in an insightful call on teens and cough syrup abuse, the conversation turned to the many parents that are in denial or constantly looking to blame others for their child’s behavior.
How many times have you blamed your child’s friend or a neighbor for negative behavior of your child? It is not your child, it is the friends he/she is hanging with. Your child would never do drugs, they are too smart for that. Are they? Yes, many are highly intelligent but that doesn’t mean they are immune to drug use.
The faster you remove yourself from the “it’s not my child” excuse, the sooner you can work on getting your child the help he/she may need.
According to the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, one in five teens reports having abused a prescription drug to get high.
Teens who learn a lot about the dangers of drugs from their parents are half as likely to abuse drugs. – StopMedicineAbuse
Some red flags parents should be aware of, and not ignore are:
- Change in friends/peer group
- Withdrawn, secretive
- Change in appearance, grooming
- Decline in grades, skipping school
- Dazed eyes, glassy eyes, bloodshot
- Odor or smell to their hair or clothes of alcohol, pot, or nicotine (using body sprays and perfumes more frequently)
- Lying about their whereabouts, defiance
- Loss of interest in their usual interests such as sports, dance etc.
Parents need to understand that ignoring these signs or blaming it on others is not going to help your child. You need to seek treatment so it doesn’t escalate to much worse. A parent in denial is not helping the child, it is actually harming them. There isn’t any shame in having a child that is struggling, there is only shame if you don’t reach out and get help.
Resources:
Time to Talk, Five Moms, Stop Medicine Abuse, Inhalant Abuse, Drug Free America, The Anti-Drug
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Dr. Drew, Drug Use, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Substance Abuse, Teen Drug Abuse
Sue Scheff: National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month
by Sue Scheff on Feb 06, 2010
This month is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. Since 2006 Congress has officially recognized the first week in February as “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week,” and this year, for the first time, Congress has designated the entire month as a time to raise awareness of this important issue!
You can do your part to raise awareness of teen dating violence and abuse this month by encouraging people to join the MADE (Moms And Dads for Education To Stop Teen Dating Abuse) movement! ANYONE can join the MADE coalition by visiting: http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made/petition.html
Parents need to open the lines of communication with their teens. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that provides information and tools that men, women, children, teens and corporate executives can use to learn more about the issue and find out how they can help end this epidemic of domestic violence.
Love is Not Abuse also offers a Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence. This can help you to start the conversation. Also visit Love is Respect for more valuable information.
During this month of February when love is in the air, take the time to show your love to your kids and sit down and talk about this serious subject. If you are a teacher, please take a few minutes to discuss this topic. You never know who is listening and what you may be preventing.
Happy Valentine’s Day and remember, it is not about “being mine” as it is about “being kind.”
Pass it on.
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Tags: Love is not abuse, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sexual Assault, Sue Scheff, teen dating violence, Teen Help, Teen Sexual Abuse
Sue Scheff: Money and Your Teens
by Sue Scheff on Feb 04, 2010
A few weeks ago I wrote about teens and how many think that the money parents give them is growing on trees. Well, not really, but I am sure many can relate. In Financial Literacy and your teens, I offered some tips and insights. This week Connect with Kids offers some more great parenting tips!
Source: Connect with Kids
Teen Finances
“I think that it’s easy for kids nowadays to get a hold of money and not appreciate it; not understand the value of it.”
– Cassandra Morehead, mother
It’s a dilemma faced by many parents: your child earns money from babysitting, a part-time job or even allowance. Do you let them spend it any way they’d like? Or do you control the money?
What’s the best way to teach financial literacy and responsibility?
In the Morehead home, balancing the checkbook and reviewing credit card statements is a family event. Both of the accounts belong to 17-year-old Janson.
“I definitely felt like he was old enough and mature enough and since he’s a junior, I thought that it was time he started learning how to handle money,” says Janson’s mother, Cassandra Morehead.
If he had his way, Janson admits he would spend like crazy – but his parents set limits. With his checking account, he can buy clothes, books or go to the movies or out to eat with friends.
And when it comes to the credit card, Janson says, “It’s all actually approved by my mom so when the statement comes she knows that it’s all stuff she’s okay with.”
Experts say it’s important for teens to have some control over their money.
“[Otherwise] they’re gonna become frustrated,” explains psychiatrist John Lochridge. “They’re gonna probably want things even more and as soon as they can buy something they will. They lose that impulse control.”
Experts say those impulses can lead to debt. Surveys show that over 80 percent of college students have credit cards with an average balance just over $3,000. Therefore, it’s important for parents to talk to their kids early and often about money.
“I think that it’s easy for kids nowadays to get a hold of money and not appreciate it; not understand the value of it and what it means to have a short-term sacrifice for long-term gain,” says Morehead.
She and her husband began teaching Janson and his younger brother about finances at an early age. Janson says working with his parents to manage his money is building skills that will last a lifetime.
“It gives me assurance that when I’m out there on my own, I’ll be able to keep track of everything,” he says, “[and] watch out and spend wisely.”
Tips for Parents
Talking with your children about finance and debt is extremely important for their fiscal futures. One study revealed that only 42 percent of eighth to twelfth graders said their parents discussed finances with them on a regular basis. Seventy-nine percent of them, however, said they are interested in how to manage their money. Experts give three main reasons why parents don’t talk to their children about money.
- Parents don’t know how to manage money very well themselves, so they can’t get a handle on what to tell their kids. If parents are living paycheck-to-paycheck, building debt on charge cards and home equity loans and not saving for the long term, it’s hard to know what to tell children.
- Parents aren’t practicing what they ought to be preaching. If parents are not using self-discipline by setting a good example for their kids, how can they hold their kids to a higher standard than they hold themselves? Modeling behavior takes a serious commitment.
- Their parents didn’t talk to them about money, so now they don’t know how to talk to their own kids about money. Also, perhaps because today’s parents didn’t learn money management, they still don’t know how it all fits together. They may be 45 to 50 years old and still making it up as they go along.
Remember that there are many opportunities to talk with your child about money management. When you do, remember these basic concepts:
- Making choices – Have them make a list of things they want to do with their money.
- Evaluating cost – Encourage them to decide what’s affordable or reasonable.
- Weighing tradeoffs in a purchase decision – Encourage them to think critically and look at the long-term ramifications of buying one thing or another.
- Delaying purchases – Instill the value of saving money and not spending it as soon as it’s received.
- Dealing with opportunity cost — Tell your child that whenever he/she buys one thing, he/she has eliminated the possibility of buying something else
- Work with your child to rank the items on the wish list. Discuss with your child what to buy first, second, third, etc. Help your child go over the list every few weeks to see if new things should be added, old ones dropped or items moved up or down on the list.
References
- The Mint
- Discovery Channel School
- AOK Teacher Stuff
Read more on Examiner.
Tags: Connect with Kids, Financial Literacy, Parenting, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Finances, Teen Help, Teens and Money, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: The iPad – Does Your Teen Want One?
by Sue Scheff on Feb 02, 2010
Apple’s Steve Jobs recently launched the iPad, displaying the many capabilities that this latest gadget can perform. Reminiscent of an iPhone, only larger, the iPad has practical applications for the gadget loving teens. Even colleges students will fall in love with this latest tech system.
The iPad offers a wide variety of features that will delight and make life surfing and studying with more ease.
One benefit of the iPad it the ability for organized note taking, especially for those busy High School Juniors and Seniors that are crunching to get their college applications in and keeping their GPA up. It offers one compact place for notes to be organized and offers the ability to, with ease, to share these notes with a classmate through a simple email.
Another asset is the calendar feature. Does your teens need to keep track of when homework is due, exams are scheduled, college application deadlines, study dates, social events or even his/her job schedule? iPad offers a simple way to organize your dates, deadlines and keep up with your busy life through your touch pad.
Most all teens love their iTunes, YouTube and pictures. Buying music from the iTunes store is easy and viewing movies or videos should be more comfortable on the larger 9.5 by 7.5 inch screen.
Another cool feature is the iPad can be used as a digital photo frame when not in use and has many ways to import and export photos, including docking it with a computer or downloading via email.
Is the iPad right for you teenager? The prices range from $499.00 – $829.00 which may be a deciding factor. Although reasonable priced for the product and its’ enhanced features, not all families are able to afford these extra luxuries for their teens. College students are another target market that may benefit from this new gadget. The book reader feature will help eliminate some of the bulky books they are carrying.
Don’t think about the iPad as just a computer. Its true potential lies in its potential as a communications device. – Washington Post
Watch the intro video and read more.
Tags: Apple's iPad, Computers, iPad, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Technology
Sue Scheff: Getting Teacher Recommendations for Your Teen’s College Applications
by Sue Scheff on Feb 01, 2010
As your High School Juniors and Seniors prepare to apply to colleges, getting teacher recommendations is usually part of the process. Today colleges have become competitive and more selective on their applicants. Many college recruiters are using search engines to research their applicant, however the old-fashion teacher recommendations are also an asset. Here is a great article to help parents and teens to better understand this process.
Source: Connect with Kids
Teacher Recommendations
“I only see a few (recommendation letters) that are really specifically negative, but a few are less than positive. That’s the best way I can put it. Where they say, ‘Well, this student may be strong in this area in the future,’ or, ‘They have a lot of potential.’”
– David Graves, Associate Director of Admissions, University of Georgia
Across the country, high school seniors are in the midst of applying to college. One important factor is a recommendation from a teacher – a task that is not always without risk.
“I only see a few that are really specifically negative, but a few are less than positive,” says David Graves, associate director of admissions at the University of Georgia. “That’s the best way I can put it. Where they say, ‘Well, this student may be strong in this area in the future,’ or, ‘They have a lot of potential.’”
He says “a lot of potential” is one of those phrases that shows a teacher has reservations.
“They might say something like, ‘They turn in all their information on time,’” he adds. “Well, I expect that from everybody pretty much, so just having that as their best praise isn’t much of a praise.”
Another risk is that letters can be so vague as to become meaningless.
“That doesn’t give me any insight if its just a run-of-the-mill ‘here’s my formula’ recommendation letter,” says Graves.
His advice? Students should ask the teacher directly if they would give a positive review.
“Just say, ‘How do you feel I’ve done in your class?’” suggests Graves.
“If you are really having doubts, I would probably reconsider asking that teacher,” says Afrooz, a high school senior at Atlanta International School.
Also, kids should choose a teacher who can be specific about their skills and efforts in the classroom.
“I felt like I wanted teachers who knew me,” says Eva, 18, “not just as a strong student, but as a person.”
Another tip is to find the right teacher. A good choice is a math or English teacher from junior year.
“It might be a teacher that teaches, you know, driver’s ed,” says Graves. “And that’s not going to matter that much to me what the driver’s ed teacher says.”
Finally, he says, ask for the letter at least a month in advance.
“I think I asked for my letter about two or three months before it was due,” says senior Graham, “just to make sure that they had time.”
“I was kind of late so I kind of had to do a little begging,” says classmate Rodrigo.
Experts advise students to get to know their guidance counselor as well, because many universities require the counselor to fill out an evaluation form.
Students once allowed the luxury of “finding themselves” now fear that without serious direction early in high school, their future may be lost. What they may lose instead is their childhood.
College enrollment has increased nearly 20% since 1985 and almost tripled from a generation ago. With competition for specific schools fiercer than ever, high school freshmen hoping to go to a choice school are told they may already be behind in the race to build a college résumé.
“I guess in middle school they start emphasizing they’re like, OK, you gotta start getting good grades ’cause colleges will look back even at your eighth-grade year if you’re on the brink of getting in or not getting in,” 17-year-old Sharyn says.
However, good grades may only get them past the first cut. Then, it’s outside activities like volunteer work or special clubs that factor in as much as 40% by some colleges.
Says 17-year-old Andrew: “Sometimes, I find that I take too many things at once – track, academic, math team … I mean, it’s really time consuming.”
Experts say parents of these pressurized kids need to look closely for signs of too much stress and urge them to ease up.
Tips for Parents
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions your child will make in his or her young adult life. And no parent of a high school junior or senior needs reminding of the pressure that selecting a school brings to his or her child and the entire family.
Recent statistics reveal that it’s also more competitive to enroll in college than years before. Between 1985 and 1995, higher education enrollment increased by 16%, due in part to an increase in female enrollment and the new trend of part-time students. And while experts urge parents to have an open dialogue with their child to deal with the stress, there are a few changes in the process that will make enrolling in a school easier.
More and more schools are turning to the Internet to disperse information, easing the workload on counselors and empowering the curious student. A word of caution: stay with reliable sites or go to a specific college website to verify application deadlines.
Another stress reliever: The trend toward hiring assistance for the essay portion of an application seems to be subsiding. More and more colleges have stated that they are looking for creative responses, even if they are unpolished. And many universities have dropped the essay portion of the application altogether, relying on scores and recommendations to make their decision.
Here are a few starting steps to help you or your child pick the right college or training program:
- Request as much information as possible from the schools on your list, including an application for admission, financial aid and all costs.
- Make a short list of the schools that possess the characteristics for which you are looking.
- Decide if a traditional college is right for you – consider picking up information on community technical schools.
References
- Mapping Your Future
- National Center for Education Statistics
Tags: College application tips, college applications, Connect with Kids, parenting advice, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teacher Recommendations, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: Prescription Drug Use for Teens
by Sue Scheff on Jan 30, 2010
Many parents understand the drug use among teens, legal and not. Prescription drugs for mental health issues is common. Parents need to be aware of the side effects as well as if their child is appropriately diagnosed.
Source: Connect with Kids
Antipsychotic Drug Use
“So if you are going to give your child a medicine that is going to slow their ability to learn and then send them to school, that’s a serious thing. You really want your child treated with the least amount of this medicine that is required…for the shortest period.”
– Shannon Croft, M.D., Child Psychiatrist, Emory University School of Medicine
A soaring number of children are being prescribed a controversial class of drugs called antipsychotics. In fact, according to new research from Columbia and Rutgers Universities, the number of pre-school children taking these drugs has doubled in the past decade.
But are these drugs safe for kids of any age?
That’s a question 14-year-old Lauren and her mom has had to ask.
Growing up, Lauren would have violent outbursts. “You were always concerned about that phone call,” says her mom, Robin Weinrich. “She could grab a knife. She could use a simple thing [such] as a fork.”
Lauren would physically hurt her brother and sister. Afterwards, she was sorry.
“I’d be like, ‘Oh my gosh! Don’t tell anybody, please! I’m so sorry!’” says Lauren.
To stop the violence, Lauren’s doctor prescribed an antipsychotic. “All of a sudden you’ve elevated the type of medication she’s taking,” says Robin. “It’s not just a simple antidepressant or mood stabilizer, now it’s an antipsychotic.”
Ten years ago, antipsychotics were mostly used to treat schizophrenia.
Now, kids are taking them for the aggression that comes with autism, attention deficit, or, in Lauren’s case, bipolar disorder.
“When she gets frustrated or angry now it’s mostly yelling and screaming,” says Robin, “but there’s no physical reaction.”
Doctors say they’ve seen antipsychotics work in adults, and that’s one reason they’re being prescribed to kids.
But no long-term studies show the drugs to be safe or effective in kids.
And they can have dangerous side effects.
“There are some studies that have shown serious weight gain in children and adolescents that have been started on these medicines,” says Dr. Shannon Croft, a child psychiatrist at the Emory University School of Medicine, “and some have gone on to develop diabetes because of the weight gain.”
Other side effects include a trembling similar to Parkinson’s disease – and damage to a child’s ability to think.
“So if you are going to give your child a medicine that is going to slow their ability to learn and then send them to school, that’s a serious thing,” says Dr. Croft. “You really want your child treated with the least amount of this medicine that is required, for the shortest period.”
Lauren’s mom is worried about future side effects, but her daughter needs help today.
“If we did not make the right decisions for her medically,” says Robin, “she could be in a hospital, she could be in a psychiatric unit, she could be in jail for killing somebody.”
Tips for Parents
- Parents whose children are prescribed these drugs should proceed with extreme caution. Ask the doctor if there are alternatives. If you are not sure whether your child really needs one of these drugs, get a second opinion.
- Realize many doctors believe antipsychotics are too powerful for children who do not have a psychotic illness like schizophrenia. Some doctors and patients have found these drugs do calm outbursts in children with conditions like ADHD, bipolar, or autism – but the use of antipsychotics for such conditions is controversial.
- If your child does start taking an antipsychotic for a non-psychotic illness, watch them closely for side effects. Realize the risk of side effects will increase the longer your child takes the medicine. Make sure you know the time frame when your doctor plans to take your child off the drug. Put your child on the lowest dose possible, for the shortest time period.
- Join a support group – so you can see if the treatment your child is receiving is in line with what other kids are getting. However, realize that what works for one patient does not necessarily work for another. Just because another child has a good or bad experience with a particular drug, does not mean your child will react the same way. The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, or NAMI, has good support groups.
- Children on antipsychotics should also be in therapy. These drugs are not a cure. They treat symptoms and not underlying problems. If children learn to control their behavior through therapy, they can be taken off this medicine as soon as possible.
References
- Columbia University
- Emory University School of Medicine
- Rutgers University
Tags: Connect with Kids, Drug Use, Parenting Resources, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Prescription Drugs, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: Teach Teen Anger Management
by Sue Scheff on Jan 29, 2010
“I don’t care what you say I am doing what I want to do! I hate you and you just don’t want me to have fun!”
“All my friends are allowed to stay out late; you are mean and want to ruin my life!”
“You have no idea how I feel and you are only making it worse!”
When a difficult teen is out of control, they only can hear themselves and what they want. It is usually their way or no way! There are so many factors that can contribute to these feelings. The feelings are very real and should be addressed as soon as you see that your child is starting to run the household. Teen anger may lead to teen rage and teen violence which can soon destroy a family.
A local therapist can help your family diagnosis what is causing the negative behavior patterns. Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is some of the many causes to this harmful and stressful behavior. Many times you will find a need for a positive and safe program either local or outside your home are that can help determine where these hurtful outbursts are stemming from.
As difficult as this may seem, it is important that as your teen is expressing these feeling of anger and rage, that you as the parent learn to control your emotions. You don’t want to fuel it or feed it which can potentially enrage it.
Here are some tips for parents to learn to help manage their stress level as their teens is spiraling out of control:
- Take a ‘timeout.‘ Although it may seem cliché, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
- Get some space. Take a break from the person you’re angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
- Once you’re calm, express your anger. It’s healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
- Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
- Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you’re likely to say something you’ll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you’re angry, it’s easy to get sidetracked.
- Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
- Use ‘I’ statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful – and increase tension. For instance, say, “I’m upset you didn’t help with the housework this evening,” instead of, “You should have helped with the housework.”
- Don’t hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
- Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don’t use sarcasm, though – it’s can hurt feelings and make things worse.
- Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as “Take it easy.” Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.
These tips from the Mayo Clinic can also be helpful to your teens. It could benefit you to sit down with your teens and talk about controlling rage and anger before it escalates to the boiling over point.
Be an educated parent, you will have safer and healthier teens.
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Tags: Anger Management, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Anger, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Rage, Teen Stress







