Sue Scheff: Challenges of Parenting Teens
by Sue Scheff on Nov 13, 2009
Parenting teens today has become one of the most challenging jobs with a new generation of technology, peer pressure, substance abuse, and much more.
As a Parent Advocate, I continuously help parents with today’s teen issues. Many call my organization, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, at their wits end.
Here are some article that I encourage parents of teens and tweens to take the time to read. An educated parent is a prepared parent. A prepared parent can lead to a safer teenager.
School Violence: The dangers of bullying
Teens Shoplifting and Stealing
Click here to learn more about the author.
Also on Examiner.com
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Struggling Teens, Substance Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Parenting Teens and Pre-Teens
by Sue Scheff on Nov 11, 2009
First quarter of school is over in most parts of the country. How is your teen doing in school?
Are you a parent of a teenager or pre-teen that is starting to make some poor choices? They are great kids, but suddenly the decisions they are making are worrying you. Is there a new circle of friends that you are not familiar with?
Are you at your wit’s end?
As the founder of Parent’s Universal Resource Experts we speak with parents on a daily basis that are struggling with today’s youths.
Are you experiencing any of the following situations or feeling at a complete loss or a failure as a parent? You are not alone and by being a proactive parent you are taking the first step towards healing and bringing your family back together.
- Is your teen escalating out of control?
- Is your teen becoming more and more defiant and disrespectful?
- Is your teen manipulative? Running your household?
- Are you hostage in your own home by your teen’s negative behavior?
- Is your teen angry, violent or rage outbursts?
- Is your teen stealing?
- Is your teen verbally abusive?
- Is your teen rebellious, destructive and withdrawn?
- Is your teen aggressive towards others or animals?
- Is your teen using drugs and/or alcohol?
- Does your teen belong to a gang?
- Do they frequently runaway or leave home for extended periods of time?
- Has their appearance changed – piercing, tattoo’s, inappropriate clothing?
- Has your teen stopped participating in sports, clubs, church and family functions? Have they become withdrawn from society?
- Is your teen very intelligent yet not working up to their potential? Underachiever? Capable of doing the work yet not interested in education.
- Is your teen sexually active?
- Teen pregnancy?
- Is your teen a good kid but making bad choices?
- Undesirable peers? Is your teen a follower or a leader?
- Low self esteem and low self worth?
- Lack of motivation? Low energy?
- Mood Swings? Anxiety?
- Teen depressionthat leads to negative behavior?
- Eating Disorders? Weight loss? Weight gain?
- Self-Harm or Self Mutilation?
- High School drop-out?
- Suspended or Expelled from school?
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts?
- ADD/ADHD/LD/ODD?
- Is your teen involved in legal problems? Have they been arrested?
Does your teen refuse to take accountability and always blame others for their mistakes?
- Do you feel hopeless, helpless and powerless over what options you have as a parent? Are you at your wit’s end?
Does any of the above sound familiar? Many parents are at their wit’s end by the time they contact us, but the most important thing many need to know is you are not alone.
There is help but the parent needs to be proactive and educate themselves in getting the right help. Many try local therapy, which is always recommended, but in most cases, this is a very temporary band-aid to a more serious problem. One or two hours a week with a therapist is usually not enough to make the major changes that need to be done.
If you feel you are at your wit’s end and are considering outside resources, it may be time to consider Residential Therapy. An informed parent is an educated parent and will better prepare to you to make the best decision for your child. In my opinion, it is critical not to place your child out of his/her element.
In many cases placing a teen that is just starting to make bad choices into a hard core environment may cause more problems. Be prepared – do your homework.
Many parents are in denial and keep hoping and praying the situation is going to change. Unfortunately in many cases, the problems usually escalate without immediate attention. Don’t be parents in denial; be proactive in getting your teen the appropriate help they may need. Whether it is local therapy or outside the home assistance, be in command of the situation before it spirals out of control and you are at a place of desperation.
At wit’s end is not a pleasant place to be, but so many of us have been there. Finding the best school or residential program for your child is one of the most important steps a parent does. Remember, your child is not for sale – don’t get drawn into high pressure sales people, learn from my mistakes – gain from my knowledge. Read my story at www.aparentstruestory.com for the mistakes I made that nearly destroyed my daughter.
In searching for schools and programs we look for the following:
· Helping Teens – not Harming them
· Building them up – not Breaking them down
· Positive and Nurturing Environments – not Punitive
· Family Involvement in Programs – not Isolation from the teen
· Protect Children – not Punish them
Some Informational Websites on Teen Subjects:
Teen Depression, Teen Runaways, Teen Pregnancy, Teen Internet Addiction, Teen and Youth Gangs
By Sue Scheff
Founder of Parent’s Universal Resource Experts
Author of Wit’s End and Google Bomb!
Follow me on Twitter @SueScheff
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Parenting in the Digital Age
by Sue Scheff on Nov 09, 2009
I created my organization, Parents Universal Resource Experts in 2001. Many parents contact us for assistance when they are at their wit’s end with their teenager. Parenting has so many more challenges since 2001, with the ever expanding technology that seems almost impossbile to keep up with.
Now bullying has escalated to cyberbullying. Texting has created sexting. For parents, teachers and most adults, we are struggling to keep up. Today I speak a lot about protecting your teens online – what they post today, can haunt them tomorrow. More and more colleges are using Search Engines to research their candidates, do you know what Google is saying about your potential college applicant?
ReputationDefender is the original online reputation management services, and since 2006 they have been helping people learn about their virtual presence. I personally have retained them, and find them to be priceless. Their service to protect your children is also priceless – take a moment to read their recent Blog post. They are always 10 steps ahead of us! As a parent, we need to be there too!
Source: ReputationDefender Blog
Parenting in the Digital Age
By Rob Frappier
It’s 2009. That means that there are children using the internet everyday who were born after the Y2K scare. Am I the only one that finds that fact somewhat mind boggling?
In the last decade, the internet has grown exponentially. With the creation of social networking websites like MySpace and Facebook, the internet has become more than a place to seek out information, but to connect with friends. For kids, the development of social networking expanded the school day from 7 hours to 24 hours, replacing the phone as the place where students shared gossip after the last bell rang.
Along with the increased internet usage, came a new problem, cyberbullying. Kids and teens, many no doubt struggling with their own emotional development and maturation issues, used the internet as a tool to reach out and anonymously torment their peers. In the most simplistic cases, cyberbullying leads to depression and anxiety. In severe cases, where abuse is especially virulent and prolonged, it has led teens to commit suicide. Apart from cyberbullying, there’s the danger of your child meeting a cyberpredator online, or, posting inappropriate and reputation damaging information about themselves or your family. The list goes on and on.
When you have a child, you’re expected to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders for them. In the digital age, that means carrying the weight of the World Wide Web as well. As scary as it can be to think about the dangers lurking online (in addition to the countless everyday worries), it doesn’t do any good to ignore these issues. If your kids have more experience using the internet than you do, that doesn’t automatically mean that they understand the proper way to use it. As in any other aspect of life, your kids need you to help guide them, and with the internet that means setting expectations and abiding by them.
There are a number of ways you can help protect your kids from getting into trouble online. Here at ReputationDefender, we offer MyChild. With MyChild, you can see where and in what context your child’s name appears on the web. Through personalized monthly reports, parents can keep an eye on how their kids are using the web and help head off any potential problems before they spin out of control. Later in the week, I will be offering some practical advice for parents on securing their children’s safety online and protecting their family’s reputation.
Being a parent isn’t easy under the best circumstances. That’s why, from our earliest days as a company, we have been committed to making the internet a safer and better place for kids. We show this in our products, and in our work with other leaders in the field, such as the Internet Keep Safe Coalition.
Check back to the ReputationDefender Blog later in the week for more help and advice on raising your children in the digital age.
Follow ReputationDefender on Twitter @RepDef
(I believe in ReputationDefender. I do not receive any referral fees and have never been paid by them. I am simply a satisfied client and Parent Advocate that wants to share information to help other parents.)
Tags: Internet Safety, Internet Slander, Michael Fertik, Online Safety, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Reputation Defender, ReputationDefender MyChild, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Teens Hiding Drugs From Parents
by Sue Scheff on Oct 29, 2009
One of the most important parts of this article is the opening your lines of communication with your child. Are you noticing a change in behavior? Withdrawn? Depressed? Changing peer groups? Becoming secretive? Be an educated parent – you will have a safer teen.
Source: Connect with Kids
Hiding Drugs from Parents
“The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”
– Heather Hayes, Licensed Drug Counselor
Inside a highlighter or tube of lipstick, stuffed into the back of a clock radio or hidden between a mattress and box springs- teens have a million clever ways to hide both their drugs and their drug use.
Chris, 24, would use a toilet paper tube lined with a dryer sheet to hide the smell of marijuana from his parents. He says, “All you have to do is blow out the smoke through there, and it scents the smoke so it doesn’t smell like marijuana.”
He says he would stash his drugs anywhere but in the house, where mom or dad might find them. Chris says, “Maybe in the garage, or under the hood of my car. We’d get pulled over and we wouldn’t even be scared because you never see a cop open a hood on the side of the road.”
Licensed drug counselor, Heather Hayes, says, “The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”
But Chris says the best way to hide drug use was just to avoid his parents. He says, “Cause I’d be high, and you know, I didn’t want to give it away. So I would just come in, be like ‘I’m home’, you know, ‘I’ll be upstairs in my room.’”
Experts say by the time parents catch kids using drugs, there’s a good chance they’re already addicted.
Hayes says, “In the early beginning stages teens are extremely good, I mean they are brilliant at being able to hide things. They will change clothes so that their clothes don’t smell. They will use Visine. As their addiction progresses, one of the things that they give up is the fact that they care, they care whether or not they get caught.”
Chris has been in rehab for more than a year. Among his regrets: the time he didn’t spend with his parents. Chris says, “My mom walks freely in and out of my room now. And it’s like I just had so much to hide before, so I wouldn’t let them in.”
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) describes adolescence as a “time for trying new things.” Teens use alcohol and drugs for many reasons, including curiosity, because it feels good, to reduce stress, to feel grown up or to fit in. Teens at risk of developing serious drug and alcohol problems include those …
■With a family history of substance abuse.
■Who are depressed.
■Who have low self-esteem.
■Who feel like they don’t fit in or are out of the mainstream.
In addition, warning signs of teen drug abuse may include …
■Fatigue, repeated health complaints, red and glazed eyes, and a lasting cough.
■Personality change, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible behavior, low self-esteem, poor judgment, depression and a general lack of interest.
■Starting arguments, breaking rules or withdrawing from the family.
■Decreased interest, negative attitudes, a drop in grades, many absences, truancy and discipline problems.
■New friends who are less interested in standard home and school activities, problems with the law, and changes to less conventional styles in dress and music.
Peer pressure is one of the most difficult inducements faced by teens to use illegal substances. Experts at the Hazelden Foundation have created the following model that a teen might follow in dealing with pressure to use drugs or alcohol:
■Ask questions – Size up the situation before “going along.” For example, a classmate might say, “Hey, lets go hang out at the mall” – and have shoplifting in mind. To be responsible, ask, “What are we going to do? How long will we be there?” These questions will help you make informed decisions before getting into a problem situation.
■Name the trouble – After you identify the situation, you need to state the possible problem: “That sounds like trouble to me.”
■State the consequences – Use the threat of punishment as an excuse not to drink. Say something such as, “My parents would ground me for months,” or “I could get kicked off the soccer team.”
■Offer an alternative – If a friend invites you to drink or use drugs, suggest an alternative. “Lets go get pizza.” If the friend pressures you more, walk away, but leave the door open. You could say, “Hey, that’s fine. Go do your thing. You’re welcome to join me later.”
■Get out of trouble – Should you find yourself in a problem situation, get out immediately and call a responsible adult for help.
Tips for Parents
Drugs are a threat to almost every child, and one of the best ways to help ensure your child will make the right decisions when faced with choices regarding substance abuse is to confront the issue with your child as early as possible. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics list the following as ways to address the subject of substance abuse with your child:
■Talk with your child honestly. Don’t wait to have “the drug talk” with your child. Make discussions about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs part of your daily conversation. Know the facts about how drugs can harm your child. Clear up any wrong information, such as “everybody drinks” or “marijuana won’t hurt you.”
■Really listen to your child. Encourage your child to share questions and concerns about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Do not do all the talking or give long lectures.
■Help your child develop self-confidence. Look for all the good things in your child – and then tell your child how proud you are. If you need to correct your child, criticize the action, not your child. Praise your child’s efforts as well as successes.
■Help your child develop strong values. Talk about your family values. Teach your child how to make decisions based on these standards of right and wrong. Explain that these are the standards for your family, no matter what other families might decide.
■Be a good example. Look at your own habits and thoughts about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Your actions speak louder than words.
■Help your child deal with peer pressure and acceptance. Discuss the importance of being an individual and the meaning of real friendships. Help your child understand that he/she does not have to do something wrong just to feel accepted. Remind your child that a real friend won’t care if he/she does not use tobacco, alcohol or other drugs.
■Make family rules that help your child say “no.” Talk with your child about your expectation that he/she will say “no” to drugs. Spell out what will happen if he/she breaks these rules. Be prepared to follow through, if necessary.
■Encourage healthy, creative activities. Look for ways to get your child involved in athletics, hobbies, school clubs and other activities that reduce boredom and excess free time. Encourage positive friendships and interests. Look for activities that you and your child can do together.
■Team up with other parents. Work with other parents to build a drug-free environment for children. When parents join together against drug use, they are much more effective than when they act alone. One way is to form a parent group with the parents of your child’s friends. The best way to stop a child from using drugs is to stop friends from using them.
■Know what to do if your child has a drug problem. Realize that no child is immune to drugs. Learn the signs of drug use. Take seriously any concerns you hear from friends, teachers and/or other kids about your child’s possible drug use. Trust your instincts. If you truly feel that something is wrong with your child, it probably is. If there’s a problem, seek professional help.
According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA), parents are the key to keeping kids drug-free. CASA research shows that the extent to which parents take a “hands-on” approach in raising their kids, the more they establish appropriate rules and standards of behavior, and the more they monitor their teens, the lower the teen’s risk of substance abuse. “Hands-on,” according to CASA, includes parents who consistently take 10 or more of the following 12 actions:
■Monitor what their teens watch on television
■Monitor what they do on the Internet
■Put restrictions on the music (CDs) they buy
■Know where their teens are after school and on weekends
■Expect to be and are told the truth by their teens about where they are going
■Are “very aware” of their teen’s academic performance
■Impose a curfew
■Make clear they would be “extremely upset” if their teen used pot
■Eat dinner with their teens six or seven times a week
■Turn off the television during dinner
■Assign their teens regular chores
■Have an adult present when the teens return from school
■American Academy of Pediatrics
■The Hazelden Foundation
■The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse
Tags: At Risk Teens, Connect with Kids, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Substance Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Health, Teen Help, Teen substance abuse, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Parents Universal Resource Experts – Parenting Teens Today
by Sue Scheff on Oct 21, 2009
The past several months we have been hearing disturbing news on bullying, school violence, drug abuse and the dangers surrounding our kids and teens today.
Parent’s Universal Resource Experts, Inc. (P.U.R.E.™) is an organization that was founded in 2001 by Sue Scheff. For the past several years Parent’s Universal Resource’s has assisted families with valuable information and resources for their children and teens that are at risk. Teens that are struggling with today’s peer pressure, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and simply good kids starting to make bad choices. We have many very satisfied families that have used our services. Please take a moment to read some of our testimonials.
Whether you are seeking Boarding Schools, Therapeutic Boarding Schools, Residential Treatment Centers, Wilderness Programs, Christian Schools, Summer Programs, Military Schools and more, Parent’s Universal Resource’s can offer you options to explore to help educate you in a very important decision for your child and family. We invite you to fill out a Free Consultation Form for more information.
Parent’s Universal Resource Expert’s™ are parents helping parents. As a parent that experienced and survived a difficult teen, we believe that desperate parents are at high risk of making rash and detrimental decisions in choosing the best placement for their child. Please take a moment to read my story – “A Parent’s True Story” – which is one the reasons this organization was created.
As a member of the Better Business Bureau for many years we are an organization that prides ourselves in helping others and bringing families back together.
There are many Doctors, Attorney’s, Therapists, Police Departments, Schools, Guidance Counselors, and other professionals that refer Parent’s Universal Resource’s to families. In many cases, after a family has used our service, they recommend us to their friends and relatives. We have built our reputation on trust and putting families first. At Parent’s Universal Resource’s we believe in bringing families back together.
With the increase of school violence, you need to be an educated parent. An educated parent is a prepared parent, which leads to a safer teenager. Don’t be a parent in denial, reach out for help if you feel your teen is escalating out of control.
For more information, please read my book, Wit’s End! How to Save Your Out of Control Teen. Also available in major books stores and Amazon. Visit www.helpyourteens.com.
Also on Examiner.com
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Help Programs, Teen Issues, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Do teens have less respect for parents and authority today?
by Sue Scheff on Oct 10, 2009
Does today’s younger generation have less respect than past generations? According to a recent poll, the answer is “yes.” Do we need a poll to tell us that? Years ago we were never calling our parents friends by their first name. When our parents told us to be in by 10pm, we were in by 9:50pm to be sure we were on time.
Today, it seems many teens are stretching boundaries, using extremely disrespectful tones and words to their parents and in some cases have driven their parents to their wit’s end.
What can parents do? How does it start? Where does it start and more important, how do we get it to stop?
Source: Connect with Kids
Civility
“Sometimes we get recognized for bad behavior and in a competitive, complex world where everybody is sort of vying for attention, and people are accepting bad behavior and seeing people get recognized for bad behavior, it’s normal for children unless they are taught otherwise, to follow that.”
– Stacey DeWitt, President, Connect with Kids
Serena Williams curses at a line judge, Congressman Joe Wilson yells at the President, a rap star interrupts an award show. And, at the same time, the Parents Television Council reports that children today use more coarse language and cuss words than ever before. Is there a connection?
Fifteen-year-old Michelle was constantly in trouble at school. “I just had no respect for anyone or anything,” she says. “I definitely wasn’t a nice person.”
She says nearly every day she was sent to the principal’s office. And the first impression she left on Assistant Principal Eric King: “Nasty, just, she was a freshman girl who I think was referred the first time for cursing in the hall, yelling actually curse words in the hall.”
King says he talked to her parents at least 15 times on the phone. Her father, Al Di Tizio, remembers, “He said, ‘Mr. DiTizio, Michelle’s language is just out of control’.”
A tennis star curses, a Congressman interrupts the President, a rap star steals the microphone. And, all the while, experts say, kids are watching. “Sometimes we get recognized for bad behavior and in a competitive, complex world where everybody is sort of vying for attention, and people are accepting bad behavior and seeing people get recognized for bad behavior, it’s normal for children unless they are taught otherwise, to follow that,” explains Stacey DeWitt, President of Connect with Kids.
In order to raise respectful and courteous kids, DeWitt says parents need to ask themselves a couple of questions: “A – are we teaching our children about that, are we actually sitting down and actually talking to them about how they should behave… and B – are we modeling it. Are we teaching them to manage their behavior and are we showing them how to manage behavior because we manage our own?”
Michelle was suspended and got detention, but school staff never yelled at her, never insulted her, never said she was a “bad” person. And today she is on the honor roll and no longer in trouble. Why?
“Probably the look on their faces most of the time,” Michelle says. “Because it was just like a look of shame and I was tired of, you know, having people look down upon me. And I was tired of being like a failure, you know?”
“Deep down she started to say ‘my goodness it’s going to be easier for me to just be good’ or basically to just live up to the expectations,” says Assistant Principal King.
It just got easier to be good.
Tips for Parents
Does today’s younger generation have less respect than past generations? According to a recent poll, the answer is “yes.” Consider the following results:
- Nearly 75 percent of Americans thought manners were worse today than 20 or 30 years ago.
- Those surveyed primarily placed the blame on inadequate parenting.
- People also cited movies and television shows as influencing children to be less respectful.
According to Sara Alice Tucker, a fourth grade teacher in Cornelia, Ga., school curriculum can incorporate learning about respect and manners. Some suggestions include:
- Write/publish original books or short stories about good manners.
- Create “problem manners” stories for the rest of the class to read and role-play.
- Design cards that cover the proper use of eating utensils.
- Make videos of people properly greeting and introducing others.
- Take digital pictures of children using good manners, then add text to turn them into posters.
By the time children enter grade school, the groundwork for how they will respond to authority figures has already been laid. That’s not to say that children can’t correct bad behavior or change their attitudes, but their home situation plays a significant role in their character development. Experts at Friends Hospital in Philadelphia have created a list of ways to help prevent behavioral problems:
- Establish “together time,” including a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your child, even if it’s just going out for ice cream.
- Don’t be afraid to ask where, what, who, when — where your kids are going, who they’ll be with, when they’ll be home. Get to know your kid’s friends – and their parents.
- Try to be home when your child gets home after school.
- Eat together often. Meals are a great time to talk about the day, bond, and build relationships.
- Become a better listener. Ask and encourage questions. Ask for your child’s input about family decisions. When you show that you’re willing to listen, your child will feel more comfortable about opening up to you.
- Don’t react in a way that will cut off further discussion. If your child says things that challenge or shock you, turn them into a calm discussion.
- Be a day-to-day example of your value system. Show the compassion, honesty, generosity and openness you want your child to have.
- Know that there is no such thing as “do as I say, not as I do” when it comes to your kids.
- Examine your own behavior. Make sure it is consistent with what you want to teach your kids.
- Reward good behavior consistently and immediately. Expressions of love, appreciation and thanks go a long way – even for kids who think they’re too old for hugs.
- Accentuate the positive. Emphasize what your children do right. Restrain the urge to be critical. Affection and respect will reinforce good behavior (and can change bad behavior.) Embarrassment or uneasiness won’t.
- Create rules. Discuss in advance the consequences of breaking rules. Don’t make empty threats or let the rule-breaker off easy. Don’t impose harsh or new, unexpected punishments, either.
- Set a curfew. Enforce it strictly, but be ready to negotiate on special occasions.
- Have kids check in at regular times.
- Call the parents of a child who is having a home party to make sure that there will be adult supervision. On the night of the party, don’t be afraid to stop by to say hello (and make sure that a parent is home).
- Listen to your instincts. Don’t be afraid to intervene if your gut tells you something is wrong.
- Let your children know how much you care, especially when they are having problems.
- Keep a positive attitude about your ability to be a parent.
- Take care of yourself. Meet your needs for support with other adults so you can establish healthy parent-child boundaries.
- Take time to teach your children values while they are young. Live your own values every day.
- Make your home a safe, secure and positive environment. Provide appropriate privacy for each family member.
- Get involved in your child’s school, your neighborhood and your community. You are responsible for parenting your child — not teachers and other authority figures in your child’s life.
- Set clear rules and limits for your children. However, as your children grow, be flexible and adjust the rules and limits accordingly. Don’t forget to help children learn to set their own limits, too.
- Follow through with consequences for your children’s misbehavior. Be certain the consequences are immediate and relate to the misbehavior, not your anger.
- Let your children take responsibility for their own actions. They will learn quickly if misbehavior results in unpleasant natural consequences.
- Be a guide for your children. Offer to help with homework, in social situations and with concerns about the future. Help them direct and redirect their energy and to understand and express their feelings.
- You are separate from your child. Let go of the responsibility for all your children’s feelings or outcomes of their decisions. Your children’s successes or failures are theirs, not yours.
- Create a foundation of mutual appreciation, support and respect; this is the basis of your relationship into their adult years.
References
- Teenagers Today
- Education World
- Friends Hospital
Tags: Connect with Kids, Defiant Teens, Disrespect for Authority, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Respect, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Parent Empowerment – Parenting Teens
by Sue Scheff on Aug 08, 2009
Are you at your wit’s end? Completely frustrated and stressed out over your child’s behavior? Are you questioning where the child you raised with values went? It is time to empower yourself with information that can help you take control again.
So many parents are desperate to find resolution and peace with their out of control teen. They feel helpless, hopeless, scared, exhausted, and bewildered where this behavior came from.
Many teens are suffering with low self esteem, depression and other negative feelings that are making the act out in defiant ways. It is important to try to resolve these feelings before they escalate to worse behavior, including substance abuse and addiction, sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, self injury, gang involvement, etc.
These teens are usually very intelligent and capable of getting Honor Roll grades, however are not working up to their potential and lack the motivation to succeed and do well. This can stem from peer pressure combined with the teen’s feelings of low self worth. It is one of the most common trends today – highly intelligent teens making bad choices. Are you telling yourself; “This is not my child,” yet soon realize that it is and you must take control of an obvious out of control situation.
As a parent that has experienced and survived a troubled teen – I am introducing “Parent Empowerment” to help you take control of your family again. My goal is that you will learn from my mistakes and gain from my knowledge.
Do you think you are alone? I can assure you, that there are many parents that are in your same situation – and feeling the same frustrations.
Let’s look at things we have tried – and I am confident many of you will see the familiarity with these consequences:
- Remove privileges or place restrictions on cell phones, televisions, computers, going out on weekends, friends, phone time at home, etc. In today’s society, although these should be privileges, most are considered normal necessities of a teen’s life. This can be related to entitlement issues. Click Here http://www.helpyourteens.com/entitlement_issues.php Many instances even if you have removed the privileges, the child knows he/she will eventually get them back, and find other means to communicate with their teen world.
- Change schools – How many times have we believed if we change the school the problems will go away? Maybe in some cases, however these issues will follow your child into the next school environment. The problems may be masked in the beginning, but in most cases, the trouble will soon arise again. Changing schools, although may temporarily resolve some problems; it is rarely the answer when teens are emotionally struggling.
- Have your child go live with a relative out of state? Wow, this is very common, but the other similarity is that in many situations it is a short term resolution before the family is calling and saying they can’t do it any longer – you need to find another alternative for the teen. This can be traumatic and stressful for both families involved and cause friction that could result in more negative feelings.
- How many families have actually moved? Believe or not, parents have looked for job transfers or other avenues to try to remove their teen from the environment they are currently in. So many of us believe it is the friends, which it could be, however as parents we need to also take accountability – this is not saying we are to blame, but we need to understand that our children are usually not the “angels” we believe they are. Sure they are athletic, played varsity sports (football, track, golf, swim team, dance etc.), musically gifted, or other special talents as well as were in all advanced placement classes – but reality is, if you are reading this, this has changed.
- Seeking a therapist will help. Yes in some cases it will. And of course, we should all try this avenue first. Unfortunately more times than not, the teens are already a master manipulator and can breeze through these sessions convincing the therapist the parents are the problem. I know many of you have probably already experienced this. The other concern with therapy is that in many situations the one hour once or twice a week can barely scratch the surface of what a family with a troubled teen may require.
- Was your child arrested? If your child has committed a crime, chances are they will be arrested. If your child has become belligerent in the home and you fear for your safety or the safety of your family, again chances are they will be arrested. In some cases with first time offenders the charges could be dropped. However if this becoming a chronic problem, you seriously should consider outside help. When a teen is arrested and placed in a juvenile detention center, even for one night, they are exposed to a different element that could either scare him/her or harden them. Teens can learn bad habits in these centers, or potentially worse, make friends with teens that have far worse problems than yours.
- Scared Straight Programs or Boot Camps – Are they effective? Many parents will seek a local weekend Scared Straight Program or Boot Camp. In some cases, it may have a positive effect on your teen – a wake up call so to speak; however in other cases it may worsen your problem. Depending on your child and the problems you are dealing with or how long they have been going on, may help you to determine if these types of programs would be beneficial or detrimental to them. Some teens will leave a Boot Camp or weekend Scared Straight program with more anger and resentment than when they entered it. The resentment is usually directed at the person that placed them there – not at the program. This can open doors to more destructive behavior. Personally, I am not in favor of Boot Camps or Scared Straight Weekend programs. A visit to a jail with a police officer, giving the teen the awareness of what could happen to them, may be a better way to help the teen to understand consequences of the current behavior.
These above efforts are avenues parents could try before considering any type of residential therapy school program. I believe exhausting all your local resources should be the first path. Making a decision to place a child outside of the home is a major decision and one that is not to be taken lightly. It is important you educate yourself – empower yourself with information to help you make the best decision for your child. Here is a list of questions to ask schools and programs in order to determine if they are a fit for your teen.
Click here: http://www.helpyourteens.com/faq.php
Helpful Hints: http://www.helpyourteens.com/helpful_hints.php when searching for schools and programs.
An educated parent is an empowered parent. Parent Empowerment! Take control of your family life again. Don’t be a parent in denial – take control and become empowered! I believe giving your child a second chance to have a successful life is our responsibility as a concerned parent.
Visit www.helpyourteens.com for more assistance.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Resources, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help Programs, Teen Issues, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Parents At Their Wit’s End!
by Sue Scheff on Aug 06, 2009
Are you at your wit’s end?
Are you experiencing any of the following situations or feeling at a complete loss or a failure as a parent? You are not alone and by being a proactive parent you are taking the first step towards healing and bringing your family back together.
- Is your teen escalating out of control?
- Is your teen becoming more and more defiant and disrespectful?
- Is your teen manipulative? Running your household?
- Are you hostage in your own home by your teen’s negative behavior?
- Is your teen angry, violent or rage outbursts?
- Is your teen verbally abusive?
- Is your teen rebellious, destructive and withdrawn?
- Is your teen aggressive towards others or animals?
- Is your teen using drugs and/or alcohol?
- Does your teen belong to a gang?
- Do they frequently runaway or leave home for extended periods of time?
- Has their appearance changed – piercing, tattoo’s, inappropriate clothing?
- Has your teen stopped participating in sports, clubs, church and family functions? Have they become withdrawn from society?
- Is your teen very intelligent yet not working up to their potential? Underachiever? Capable of doing the work yet not interested in education.
- Does he/she steal?
- Is your teen sexually active?
- Teen pregnancy?
- Is your teen a good kid but making bad choices?
- Undesirable peers? Is your teen a follower or a leader?
- Low self esteem and low self worth?
- Lack of motivation? Low energy?
- Mood Swings? Anxiety?
- Teen depression that leads to negative behavior?
- Eating Disorders? Weight loss? Weight gain?
- Self-Harm or Self Mutilation?
- High School drop-out?
- Suspended or Expelled from school?
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts?
- ADD/ADHD/LD/ODD?
- Is your teen involved in legal problems? Have they been arrested?
- Juvenile Delinquent?
- Conduct Disorder?
- Bipolar?
- Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?
Does your teen refuse to take accountability and always blame others for their mistakes?
Do you feel hopeless, helpless and powerless over what options you have as a parent? Are you at your wit’s end?
Does any of the above sound familiar? Many parents are at their wit’s end by the time they contact us, but the most important thing many need to know is you are not alone. There is help but the parent needs to be proactive and educate themselves in getting the right help.
Many try local therapy, which is always recommended, but in most cases, this is a very temporary band-aid to a more serious problem. One or two hours a week with a therapist is usually not enough to make the major changes that need to be done.
If you feel you are at your wit’s end and are considering outside resources, please contact us. http://www.helpyourteens.com/free_information.shtml
An informed parent is an educated parent and will better prepare to you to make the best decision for your child. It is critical not to place your child out of his/her element. In many cases placing a teen that is just starting to make bad choices into a hard core environment may cause more problems. Be prepared – do your homework.
Many parents are in denial and keep hoping and praying the situation is going to change. Unfortunately in many cases, the problems usually escalate without immediate attention. Don’t be parents in denial; be proactive in getting your teen the appropriate help they may need. Whether it is local therapy or outside the home assistance, be in command of the situation before it spirals out of control and you are at a place of desperation. At wit’s end is not a pleasant place to be, but so many of us have been there.
Finding the best school or program for your child is one of the most important steps a parent does. Remember, your child is not for sale – don’t get drawn into high pressure sales people, learn from my mistakes. Read my story at www.aparentstruestory.com for the mistakes I made that nearly destroyed my daughter.
In searching for schools and programs we look for the following:
- Helping Teens – not Harming them
- Building them up – not Breaking them down
- Positive and Nurturing Environments – not Punitive
- Family Involvement in Programs – not Isolation from the teen
- Protect Children – not Punish them
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Plain Talk and Straight Answer for Parents of Troubled Teens
by Sue Scheff on Jul 27, 2009
Plain Talk and Straight Answers for Parents of Troubled Teens
Wit’s End is the shockingly gripping story of how Sue Scheff, a parent of a formerly troubled teen, turned her mistakes—and her relationship with her daughter—around. This highly practical and prescriptive book calls upon Scheff’s personal experiences with finding help for her daughter. It includes the same advice that Scheff offers parents through her internationally recognized organization Parents’ Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.)—an advocacy group that draws parents together and helps them find ways to protect their children from destructive influences by educating them about the issues their family faces and creating a safe environment to revive familial bonds.
Using the same criteria P.U.R.E. uses to research residential treatment centers and other teen-help programs around the world, Wit’s End provides positive, prescriptive help for families who want to put their children on the road to a safe, healthy, happy, and independent adulthood.
Wit’s End is a much-needed guide—written by a parent who has been there—that helps parents navigate the choices and methods available to them and their child. It serves as an action plan that empowers parents—and their children—toward healing.
Order today at www.witsendbook.com or on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and all book sellers.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Parenting, Parenting Books, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Help Programs, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Teen Gangs – Youth Gangs
by Sue Scheff on Jul 20, 2009
Gang activity in the United States is not always the way that the media portrays it. Gang violence is not restricted to inner city settings, nor is it simply the activity of minority groups. There are gangs in cities, suburbs, and even small town America and the violence that many of these gangs encourage and participate in is costing far too many lives. Most gangs are a loosely organized group of individuals who control a territory. A significant portion of gang violence stems from fighting over territory, which may be used to distribute drugs. Additionally, gangs tend to denote members through a sign or color. Two of the most well known gangs in the United States are the Bloods and the Crips which use the colors red and blue respectively.
Gangs often prey on the teenagers who wish to fit in. Being part of a gang can provide teenagers sought after friends and popularity. By joining a gang, teens have a social network already established for them with friends who are literally ready to die for them. This infrastructure can fill a void in a young person’s life quickly and easily; however, it is in a negative way. The teenage years are a formative and difficult time for many people and joining a gang is a simple way to feel liked and popular. This is especially appealing for individuals with low self confidence or who feel as if they do not fit in. In dangerous neighborhoods, joining a gang can actually provide protection from other gangs, which is attractive for many people.
Since the 1970’s, gang activity has spiraled out of control. Prior to the 70’s, fewer than half of the states were plagued by gang activity, but now there is not a single state that does not have to deal with youth gang activity. Violence and gang activity peaked in 1996, but has decreased overall since then. However, activity continues to increase in less urban settings and violence is continuing to become more lethal. Many people believe this is due to gangs’ involvement in the increasingly lucrative drug trafficking market. This is not the case. The increase in violence seems to be stem from the availability and easy access of lethal weapons. Additionally, cars have become a more common accessory in attacks on rival gangs.
I am Sue Scheff™, and my organization Parents Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.™) seeks to protect America’s teens. Keeping your troubled teen safe and on the right path in life can be an incredibly difficult task, but you are not the only one facing these problems, nor are you without resources. We as parents must work together to support one another and provide assistance and advice to educate and support one another through the difficult times. At P.U.R.E.™ you will find resources, including other parents who have faced the same trouble as you, which will alleviate the difficulties of raising a teenager.
If you are worried that your son or daughter has already or is likely to become involved with a gang, do not wait to seek help. We have compiled an abundance of useful resources on youth gang activity.
If the safety and well being of your teenager is at risk, do not hesitate to seek our support or professional help. Visit our website, Help Your Teens. The consultation service is free and any parent seeking help will be accommodated. You are not alone!
Learn more at my website about Youth Gangs.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teen Gangs, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens, Wits End, Youth Gangs
