7 Deadly Questions Never to Ask Your Teens and Why

by Sue Scheff on Dec 08, 2011


Parenting Expert and Author, Dr. Michele Borba, explains why there are seven key questions you never want to approach your teenagers with and possibly your tweenagers.

Most people know that parenting today is not easy, and with today’s technology, kids advancing their sexual knowledge at earlier ages, as well as our own media outlets such as TV and music lyrics that are sometimes questionable, it is hard to run from having these kids grow up much faster than we did.

Here is a special guest post from my good friend and Today Show Contributor, Michele Borba.  If you haven’t picked up her book yet, Big Book of Parenting Solutions, treat yourself this holiday season!  Order it today!

Toxic parent communication stoppers that are guaranteed to turn teens off – and your better response to keep them talking.

Let’s face it, talking with an adolescent can be like walking through a minefield. At any moment you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response.

You know that communication keeps you connected to your child, but it often seems to backfire because of the type of questions asked.

Research proves our instincts: The number one antidote to risky-kid behavior is a strong relationship with a parent. Believe it or not our kids even like us and want us in their lives! (Really!!!!) A recent Girl Scouts of America survey found that tween girls really want their moms even more involved in their lives.

The trick is how to stay involved the right way so we don’t turn them off, they do want to come to us and we can be a sounding board to help them wade through tough issues. Watch out! The biggest turn off (according to tweens and teens) is often how we pose our questions.

Here are seven things you should avoid asking an adolescent because they are guaranteed to be big “turn offs” and how to pose those trickier questions another way so you’re more likely to get a better response from your kid (or at least keep her standing in the same room with you).

1.  “So, how was your day?”

Trite, generic, remarks like “Did you have fun last night?” and “How was school?” don’t go over with tweens. They say they see them as “insincere” and “so-o-o predictable.” “Watch—My Mom is going to ask, “How was your day?” She always does.” Tweens put those comments at the top of their annoying list. Besides you’ll get nothing more than a “FINE” response from your kid.

Better: “What are your friends saying about Madonna’s 13 year old daughter starting a fashion line?”

Ask open-ended questions requiring more than a yes/no response makes it appear that you really do want to listen. If you ask questions about their world and interests, you’re getting bonus points. (“Can you tell me how to download must to my Ipod?”) P.S. Be sure to stop multi-tasking (tweens hate it!) so it appears you really are interested.

Bullying peaks during the tween years and is escalating and far more vicious. Reports say one in three tweens are involved in bullying either as a victim or bully which includes: social exclusion, racial, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, relational aggression, or electronic (cell phones, websites, pagers or email.

2. “Why didn’t you tell the kid to leave you alone????”

Research shows tweens often don’t tell their parents that they are being victimized for fear of retaliation and humiliation (they often feel they’ve done something to cause it and rarely do) or that you’ll say, “Tell the kid to leave you alone!” (Which they say is the worst advice you can give.

A tween often cannot fend for herself and needs help in figuring out safety options and strategies to defend herself. In fact, bullying is a repeated pattern of willful cruelty. Bullies do not go away and generally continue to target victims, which can cause severe emotional ramifications.

Better: “Where did this happen?”

Get specifics so you can help your tween create a safety plan. The question often signals to your tween or teen that you believe her and you’re ready to offer advice. Also, bullying usually happens at the same time and place so. Ask: “Who was involved?” “Where do you feel least safe?” You can then provide specific advice to help your son or daughter create a safety plan.

3. “What was she wearing?”

Materialism is huge with the tween set and is mounting. Marketers are tailoring the tween-aged kid. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are most impressionable. Tween-aged kids are most likely to believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their peer status and it also impacts their professional goals (75 percent of 8 to 12 year olds desire to be rich).

More US kids than anywhere in the world believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their social status. Preteens with lower self-esteem value possessions significantly more than children with higher self-esteem.

Better: “What do you enjoy about her?”

Halt the comments about clothing and appearance. They can backfire and make your kid feel that’s what you care more about. It also tweaks your conversation on surface stuff only. Instead emphasize those traits that grow from the inside out like talent, loyalty, character, friendship, or fun! Let your adolescent know that you value her and her friends as people and not for their appearances or popularity. Besides, 95 percent of adults say that kids are too focused on buying and consuming so halt the comparisons.

4. “Why are you sooooo sensitive?”

Puberty is a period of intense hormonal changes. In fact, more changes are going on in your tween’s body than at any other time in their life and is now occurring at younger ages! New brain research shows that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is still developing. So expect those mood swings and extremes. But also expect your tween to be “very touchy” and sensitive. Hint: Don’t tease–they will take it personally. And never tease or discipline your kid in front of another peer. You’re guaranteed to get big time resistance and a turn-off.

Better: “You seem upset. Had a tough day? Need a hug?”

Tune in to your child’s emotions. Respect where your child is coming from. Refrain from sarcasm and taunts. Watch your non-verbal cues, such as smirks or raised eyebrows. Teens are overly sensitive to these expressions and may read more into them than you think.

5.  “Why did you do that?” (Even worse: “What were you thinking???”)

Expect your tween to be a bit impulsive and act a little crazy!

Neuro-imaging confirms that their prefrontal cortex is still developing – the exact place where decision-making and impulse regulations are forming.

Also, tweens may not always know the reasons behind their actions (really!!) And it’s one reason they may have that blank look when you ask, “Why did you do that?????”

Better: “What did you hope would happen? What will do next time?”

It’s best to not use “Why” with a tween  (“Why did you do that?”) Chances are they won’t know. Instead use “What” to get them thinking. Doing so will not stop their “I don’t know response,” but get them to think before they act. And might even help them learn what to do the next time. (Such a concept, eh?)

6.  “Why didn’t you just say no????” 

The need to “fit in” is huge and peer pressure is huge.   In fact, it will never be as strong. It’s tough to stand up to your peers, but even more so during these years.   Tweens also say the worst advice their parents’ give is to “Just say no!” (Boys and Girls Club of America 2006 study of over 46,000 13 to 18 year olds).

Tweens say what they want from their parents are actual strategies to counter the pressure.

Better: “It’s tough to say no to a friend. Have you tried…?”

Tweens especially say what they need are specific peer pressure techniques. So offer strategies by brainstorming together during a relaxed time: “Let’s think of things you could say the next time your friend pushes you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing. You could make an excuse like: ‘I have to get home and do my homework or my parents will ground me” or give a reason like ‘My grandpa was a smoker and died of cancer. I promised him I wouldn’t.’ What else could you say?”

7.  “Why don’t you just get over it and move on?” 

Peer relationships are critical and play a big part of an adolescents self-esteem.  Tweens are discovering the opposite sex and have their first “crushes.”  When there’s a friendship tiff or breakup with a “first love” ah the anguish! Though the anguish may seem juvenile, don’t dismiss your kid’s hurt and tell her to “Get over it.”  Their hurt is intense and real.  (Remember way back. Did you get over it easily?) It may take a while for them to bounce back–especially during these years when one of their top concerns is “peer humilation.”  Not only are tweens concerned about their own pain but what “all the other kids are saying.”

P.S.: Don’t dismiss boys! (Says the mom of three). Research shows the male breed often has a tougher time bouncing back than girls.

Better: “I’m so sorry. Want to get an ice cream?”

Show a little empathy! Breakups at this age are crushing. Be available, understanding, supportive, and fill your kid’s social calendar with something to do (especially on those weekends) if they’re left alone. Don’t ask, “What happened?” Or “What went wrong?” And don’t push for details. They’ll give those when they feel comfortable. Right now just be there!

Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. Her work aims to help strengthen children’s character and resilience, build strong families, create compassionate and just school cultures, and reduce peer cruelty. Her practical, research-based advice is culled from a career of working with over one million parents and educators worldwide.

 

 

 

 

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Top 50 Blogs for Teen Parents

by Sue Scheff on May 17, 2011


Far more than a subject for an MTV show or platform for the daughter of a former vice presidential candidate, teenage mothering is a very serious topic. The practice of babies having babies can affect the whole family from parent to child and even grandparent. With times getting more difficult, it can be increasingly hard to find the time and/or money to speak with a professional.

If struggling with the issue of teen parenting, have a look at these top 50 blogs for teen parents. No matter if you are the teen parent, the parent of a teen parent, or even the grandparent, there is something for you written by everyone from teen mothers to pediatricians.

Top Blogs for Teen Parents by Teens

Get a blog just for or by teenage parents in the below.

  1. I’m a Teenage Mom Abby O’Neill likes to talk about immaturity and being a parent with plenty of it. In the blogging business since 2006, she has loads of posts to share on it. Words of wisdom and recommendations are often given through blog posts.
  2. Teen Parent TV Because teens would rather watch television than read, there is this blog. Entries come in both written and video form. There are also channels for teen mothers, fathers, and even grandparents.
  3. Teen Parents Blog Visit here for the official blog of the Capital District YFC’s Teen Parents Team. It features news, updates, prayer requests, and the occasional random thought. Be sure to visit their main site with more.
  4. Teen Advice Blog Loads of bloggers stop by here to write about many issues surrounding teens. There is also a special section for teen pregnancy that has loads on what to expect. Other categories include health issues, school, family, and more.
  5. National Teen Pregnancy Get the latest headlines in teen parenting and pregnancy from the Examiner. It gathers all the relevant news from all the contributors to one convenient place. A recent one was on the Freedom Condom.
  6. Teen Parenting Families.com is a site that has loads of blog entries concerning the family. In this special section, they focus on teen parenting. Recent entries contain a true story of a teen mom and changes in attitudes towards teen pregnancy.
  7. Teen Diaries This blog is a life guide for young urban women. What guide would be complete without a section on teen parenting? Several bloggers take on the topic as well as many others important to teen girls.
  8. Teen Mom Blog If you love the MTV show “Teen Mom” and all its spin-offs, click here. The blogger here keeps news updates and details on girls from the show. Links to whole items are often shared.

Top Blogs for Parenting Teens

Because teens still have parents of their own, there are these blogs.

  1. Parenting Teens Denise Witmer has worked with adolescents for years and is active in teen development and living programs. Her goal is to help parents with the various issues surrounding their teens from sexuality to answering real questions. She even has videos on projects to do with teens and how to teach them to drive.
  2. Sue Scheff Blog She is the founder of Parents’ Universal Resource Experts. Sue has tons of knowledge on parenting and has more on teens including at risk teens, bullying, cell phone dangers, and other topics. Be sure not to miss her main site and podcasts with more.
  3. LA Parenting Teens Examiner Published author Evelyn B. Block has almost 30 years of experience working with teens as a child and family therapist. She also spends her time as an educator, consultant, and parent when not authoring this blog. Recent entries were on how to teach teens money skills.
  4. Teen Advice Parenting Barbara McRae is the bestselling author of “Coach Your Teen to Success,” host of Bridging the GAP Radio Show, and founder of Teen Frontier International. Her blog is full of success stories of parents who have overcome obstacles in teen parenting. There are also many podcasts containing her expert advice.
  5. Parenting my Teen This blog and podcast is all about you and your teens. Categories include everything from divorce to teen dating. In addition to regular blog posts, you can also get many episodes available over the web.
  6. Troubled Teen Blog Get support with families with troubled teens on this blog. It is a place to share stories, gain support, and help others in their parenting teen journey. A recent entry was on a rebellious teen leaving home.
  7. Parenting Teens Online Visit here for many resources for parents of teenagers. Podcasts and articles cover everything from alcohol to technology. A recent entry was on how parents can make a difference in teen pregnancy.

Top Pregnancy Blogs for Teen Parents

Learn more about the scariest nine months of a mother’s life in these blogs.

  1. Pregnancy and Childbirth Robin Elise Weiss is a childbirth and postpartum educator, certified doula, doula trainer, and lactation counselor. With eight children of her own, she knows all about pregnancy and childbirth firsthand. Check out her blog for topics such as what to expect during labor, dealing with doctors, and much more.
  2. Pregnancy Health Examiner Jasmine Jafferali is a maternal, child, and family health educator. Her mission is to teach women to take charge of their health and well-being. With a growing family of her own, she often shares news items of interests as well as expert thoughts.
  3. Belly Itch JJ is many things, including a leading pregnancy blogger. Her site often gets notoriety for unique entries on pregnancy in the news, expecting celebrities, and much more. She often also shares true stories of mothers to be.
  4. Fit Pregnancy All expecting mothers gain weight, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing by stopping here. Popular articles include the first trimester, product recalls, and pregnancy hunger. Be sure not to miss the many sub-blogs.
  5. ABC Family Arwen first began this blog years ago as a way to document her conception journey. It is now a family blog that is all about her two little blessings. With a third on the way, it is also a top notch pregnancy blog.
  6. Pregnant Women and Babies Lily of the Valley is a philosopher by training, counselor, wife, and mother. She often blogs on the spiritual aspects of it all. Popular posts include sinus infections and mastitis.
  7. Pregnancy Weekly This is an online magazine about pregnancy, baby, and parenting. Part of a site of the same name, they offer quick links such as an A to Z of topics and a baby name finder. You can also use it to customize your very own pregnancy calendar.
  8. ItsaBelly Melissa Moog thought of this blog when she was searching for a car seat. After doing loads of related research, she decided to share what she has learned with other expectant mothers. The blog is now a leading choice for those overwhelmed with information and needing to make sense of it all.
  9. Good Pregnancy Guide Pregnancy advice and information on expecting is shared here. In addition to the many guides on pregnancy, you can get tips for after baby as well. The latest news includes saving money and natural pain relief.
  10. Pregtastic Get loads of radio programs over the web by visiting here. Sunny is both host and producer of this weekly show celebrating the road to motherhood. Get information on topics such as prenatal nutrition and birthing options, or check out the blog for the newest.

Top Expert Blogs for Teen Parents

These medical professionals have loads more to say on pregnancy and parenting.

  1. News Moms Need Everyone knows the March of Dimes has a mission to help mothers and mothers in training get up to date health information. The blog continues in that tradition. Categories include planning for a baby, pregnancy, and even a Mother of the Day.
  2. Pediatrics Vincent Iannelli is a board certified pediatrician and part of the American Academy of Pediatrics. He is the author of “The Everything Father’s First Year Book” and has loads of advice for parents. Must reads include a symptom checker, height predictor, and symptoms of measles.
  3. 10 Centimeters and Beyond Nurse Lochia is a night shift labor delivery nurse in the Midwest. She is also a mother of four children and has seen the stirrups from both sides. A standout choice for entries as both a parent and a healthcare professional.
  4. At Your Cervix This blog is often a popular choice and probably has much to do with the title. However, Joy also includes expert entries on the experience of giving birth. She is also studying nursing and shares more.
  5. Life and Times of an L&D Nurse Deb is a Southern California mom who works as a labor and delivery nurse. She writes about both her daughter and life at the hospital. She is also studying and writes all about it.
  6. Doctor Mama She is a physician, mother, and educator with a son. Everything she says “is right, especially if it’s about running.” Get entries on work, mommy life, and more with a visit.
  7. Painfully Speaking Jessica is a mother of two boys and a labor nurse. She is also a sufferer of chronic head pain. She first experienced it during her second pregnancy and has written about it since.
  8. Stand and Deliver Rixa shares reflections on pregnancy, birth, and mothering here. She even has a special section on breeches. Popular posts include what giving birth feels like and a ring sling tutorial.
  9. Ob/Gyn Kenobi Dr, Whoo plays one in real life but alters names and places for privacy. An actual OB/GYN, there are loads of expert advice on the blog. One of the most recent was on do’s and don’ts.

Top Midwife Blogs for Teen Parents

Also experts on childbirth, check out the blogs of these midwives, doulas, and more.

  1. Birth Sense Aka the Midwife Next Door, she features a common sense guide to normal birth. Sections include what to expect from a midwife, cesarean births, and more. A recent entry was on the evidence of risk on vaccinations.
  2. Dou-la-la In addition to being a doula in training, she is a birth advocate and childbirth educator. Also a lactation consultant, she is gravitating towards becoming a midwife. Blog posts are on related items and things that interest her.
  3. Conscious Birth Blog This blog is authored by a nurse midwife and certified lactation consultant. Kristina’s philosophy is “empowerment through knowledge, birth by instinct.” She is also the author of a book on breastfeeding and has more.
  4. Enjoy Birth Visit here for a more empowering and enjoyable pregnancy and birth. Sheridan is the mother of three boys and a hypno-doula. Learn more about what she does and how she does it with a visit.
  5. Hypnobabies Stop here for another blog on hypno-birthing. In addition to the blog, you can get a free CD on the topic. There are also many birth stories to keep you busy.
  6. Navelgazing Midwife She is a licensed and certified professional midwife who is currently doing monitrice and doula work. With a work history dating back to 1983, she is no stranger to the subject. She is also a proud grandmother and shares more.
  7. Birth at Home Don’t think you can give birth at home? Diana, a homebirth midwife, runs into that a lot. See more on the topic as well as natural childbirth with a visit.
  8. Birth Unplugged Brittany is a stay-at-home mom of two and a former preschool teacher. She is currently studying to become certified as a birth doula through Childbirth International. A recent entry was an instructional on how to get your partner to agree to a birth plan.
  9. Midwifery/Comadrona Eunice Romero provides holistic traditional homebirth midwifery care in Florida. She specializes in home birth and water birthing services. Get true life stories on what she does with a read.
  10. The Unnecesariean Jill and others author this blog for patient advocacy and on the practice of cesarean surgeries. Click to get an overview and tips for avoiding one. One of the latest posts was on the perceptions of giving birth at home.

Top Grandparent Blogs for Teen Parents

    Because many teenage parents turn to their parents when pregnant, check out these blogs by and for grandparents. Although many of the above top 50 blogs for teen parents are written by professionals and medical experts, see a licensed physician of your own before following any of the advice they give.
    1. Nanahood Learn about the second half of the mothering journey in this blog. Teresa has loads of tips and product reviews for mothers. A recent entry was on the joys of napping.
    2. Nana’s Corner This grandmother is a high school special education teacher with three grandchildren. Proving that you’re never too old to learn technology, she blogs on parenting, grandparenting, and teaching. Useful posts are on activities, recipes, product reviews, and much more.
    3. Grandparents Susan Adcox is a former English and journalism teacher with seven grandchildren. She believes that grandparents can greatly enrich the lives of their grandchildren, and her goal is to help them find more ways to do so. Must reads on her blog include choosing a grandmother name and visitation rights.
    4. SandwichINK This blog is written exclusively for the Sandwich Generation. That is, those who are dealing with the issues of caring for both their elderly parents and babysitting grandchildren. Categories include issues, caring, Bible verses, saving money, and more.
    5. A Grandparent’s Voice Pam Loxley Drake is a 63 year-old grandma living in the state of Oregon. She provides a unique voice for women at this point in their life. A recent entry was on the “Once Upon a Time” of parenting.
    6. Grandma’s Briefs Get “bits and bytes of life’s second act” here. Lisa is a laid off newspaper editor looking to keep her writing muscle flexed and finding a way through her blog. Children and grandchildren are often the topics of posts.

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