Sue Scheff: Who Are Your Teens Hanging With? Bad Friends and the Social Scene
by Sue Scheff on Jan 23, 2010
Last fall Dr. Michele Borba, TODAY Show Contributor, released her largest book ever! The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions - 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.
In a 10 part series on Examiner, I explored only a tiny fraction of what BBPS (BIG Book of Parenting Solutions). Parenting Resolutions with Solutions is a 4 part series that shared 101 topics that are covered in BBPS.
Today the topic is bad friends (social scene section). Turn to page 315 and learn about how your kids are choosing friends and why. Find out the problem, the red flags, and why sometimes change is necessary. You will also find solutions!
Here are some signs and symptoms that your child may be choosing less than a desirable peer group.
- Secretiveness. Your child becomes very secretive, locks his room, and covers up what he is doing.
- Changes in appearance. Your child starts wearing “provocative” attire, wants only pricey or name-brand items, has a complete change in hairstyle, or starts wearing gizmos that “just aren’t your kid.”
- School problems. Your child’s grades drop; he loses interest in school, gets detentions or tardies, doesn’t turn in homework; you have received worried calls or notes from his teacher.
- Changes in activities. Your child pulls away from past friends; sees this kid exclusively; is negative about “former” pals; or quits a team or sport or other activities that he has always loved.
- Character changes. Your child’s integrity and your family values, culture or religious beliefs are affected; he is more withdrawn, moody, or sad.
- Untrustworthiness. You can no longer count on your child’s word; he lies, doesn’t keep his promises, isn’t where he say he is, misses his curfew, sneaks out.
- Decline in reputation. Your child’s image is negatively affected; teachers, coaches, other parents, or kids pull away or say your kid “has changed” – and not for the better.
- Tense family relations. You and your child have frequent arguments, and your relationships with your child is strained.
- Violence. Your child is preoccupied with violence in his drawings, writings, vocabulary, or choice of activities.
Of course any kid could show some of these traits, and they may have nothing to do with the friend he is hanging out with. The trick is to keep a closer eye on your child and this new friend: how many of these symptoms showed up because this kid came into his life? Also, are you sure the other kid is the negative influence—not vice versa?
The entire social scene section of BBPS covers so much more. Cliques, Drinking, Peer Pressure, Sex, Swearing and more.
If you are parenting today or going to be a parent, this book is a must in your library of parenting books. Order today!
Be an educated parent, you will be prepared and that means safer and healthier children!
Watch video and read on Examiner.
Tags: Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Cliques, Michele Borba, Parenting, Parenting Books, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Groups, Teen Peer Pressure
Sue Scheff: Teen Girls and the Pressure to be Thin
by Sue Scheff on Sep 19, 2009
It seems girls especially are starting earlier in your childhood years to worry about being thin. The peer pressure as well as wanting to be like their celebrity idols can lead to girls with a false sense of reality. Is your teen struggling with their self esteem? Don’t like the way they look? Be an educated parent, take the time to read these parenting tips and information.
Source: Connect with Kids
Pressures to be Thin
“My friend thinks that people who are thin are smart and popular.”
– Hannah, 8 years old
What makes a 10-year-old girl happy? Dolls? Brightly colored dresses? A new puppy? According to a study of over 400,000 Canadian children, the answer is being thin.
“My friend thinks that people that are thin are smart and popular,” says Hannah, 8.
Sinay, 9, says the same thing, “I have a friend and she thinks that people that are thinner are smarter and prettier.”
Researchers surveying young girls find that girls are happiest when they’re thin. And, even as young as ten, over seven percent of the girls are unhappy with their body.
“I am seeing more and more mothers calling me with very young girls, pediatric age, who are struggling with fears of gaining weight (or) wanting to lose weight,” says Page Love, an Atlanta nutritionist and eating disorder counselor.
Experts say young girls are taking cues from a weight-conscious society—movies, television, and magazines—and from home.
“Often it may be hearing their mom talk about dieting, growing up in a house where all they’ve ever known is fat-free condiments and diet meals,” says Love. “And hearing mom talk about not being happy about (her) own weight.”
Love says parents should censor negative messages about weight and body size, in the media, and in their own conversations. “Because the kids will start to pick up on it and this sets the stage for how they will start to judge and evaluate different body sizes including their own.”
And if parents are careful, children can learn another message about their bodies.
“I think it’s beautiful and I take care of it a lot,” says Hannah.
“I am perfect the way I am,” says a self-confident Sinay.
Tips for Parents
Research has shown that as girls move from grade school age into their teen years they are more at risk than boys for suffering a drop in self-esteem. In fact, research shows for some girls, this loss of self- esteem is already present by the age of 5.
Researchers from Pennsylvania State University examined the relationship between weight status and self-concept in a group of girls five years of age. The researchers found:
- Girls with higher weight status (weight above average) reported more negative feelings about their bodies than girls with lower weight status.
- Girls with higher weight status had lower perceived cognitive ability than did girls with lower weight status.
- All girls, independent of their weight status, reported more negative feelings about their bodies and/or cognitive abilities if their parents were overly concerned about body weight.
According to The Center for Effective Parenting, self-esteem can be defined as how people feel about themselves. The recent research reinforces the idea that children begin forming beliefs about themselves early in life. These beliefs evolve from an interaction between their biological, inborn traits such as temperament, intelligence and physical characteristics, and environmental influences such as parenting style of their parents and children’s relationships with other adults and peers. When children are criticized or ignored they can develop negative feelings about themselves. If not corrected, these negative feelings can follow children throughout life, coloring their level of achievement in academics and relationships.
The Center for Effective Parenting provides many ideas on what parents can do to help their children develop healthy levels of self-esteem. These include:
- Praise your children. Praise must be specific and sincere to have a positive effect. Focus on the positive things your children do.
- Show your children lots of love and affection with words and physical actions.
- Treat your children with respect. You should treat your children with the same amount of respect that you would show to a friend.
- Be consistent. Children need things to be predictable in their lives. Set the rules and consistently enforce them.
- Don’t demand perfection from your children. Children need to know that their parents accept them for who they are—flaws and all. Instead of criticizing children when they make a mistake, parents should try to turn these mistakes into learning experiences. Ease up on pressure and offer praise and encouragement.
- Pay attention to you own behavior and attitudes. How parents feel about themselves and the world around them is reflected in their behavior. Children model their behavior and attitudes after their parents. Parents can’t expect their children to develop a healthy attitude about themselves unless they first see this healthy attitude in their parents.
- Listen to and respond to your children. Make sure you give your children your complete attention. Try to answer children’s questions as honestly and completely as possible.
- Don’t let your children criticize themselves. When you catch your child being self-critical, you need to correct him, otherwise your child may believe that you agree with his negative comments.
- Teach your child to use positive self-talk. The more children repeat good things about themselves to themselves, the more likely they will be to actually believe them and incorporate the positive feelings that go along with them.
Keep in mind that all children will experience fluctuations in their self-esteem. Parents need to watch out for patterns of behavior that don’t seem to disappear with time. If you have concerns, consult your health care provider or mental health professional.
References
- American Academy of Pediatrics
- Pediatrics
- The Center for Effective Parenting
Tags: Connect with Kids, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Eating Disorders, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Peer Pressure, Teen Self Esteem
Sue Scheff: Teens and Preteens – How to Handle Peer Pressure
by Sue Scheff on May 26, 2009
Visting About.com is a wealth of information regarding parenting, raising a family, health today and much more. Denise Witmer offers educational and excellent articles to help you help raise your children today.
5 Strategies for Preteens Handling Peer Pressure
By Denise Witmer
When your preteen first starts middle school they may be facing real peer pressure for the first time. Experimenting with smoking, drugs and skipping school does start at this age. This is because these recently elementary school graduates want to fit in with the older crowd. Here are some things you can do to help your preteen be prepare for when they are asked to do something that they normally wouldn’t do.
Be the first to say something. If you haven’t talked to your preteen about drugs, smoking or anything else they could be facing because they haven’t had to face that problem yet, talk to them now! Don’t avoid it until it becomes a problem or you start to see “signs”. Be proactive with your preteen.
Role play. Let your preteen be the one who offers you a cigarette. This will be an eye opening experience. Say no and keep saying no. When you preteen says, “I couldn’t say that”, ask them what they could say or do. Then role play with your preteen saying no. Practice until your preteen feels comfortable enough to do it on his own with his friends. Learn how to role play here.
Being rude is sometimes okay. Let your teenager know it is okay to avoid people who are trying to get him to do something he does not want to do, even if it is an old friend.
Let them make you the scape-goat. Tell your preteen that there is nothing wrong with using you as an excuse. Saying, “My mom would be so mad!” to a friend who is trying to get them to smoke is a perfectly good enough excuse to get out of the situation.
Be available. Be ready and available should they need to come to you with questions or thoughts on a situation. Even if your teen didn’t make the right choices, you can help them come up with a better solution the next time the situation arises.
Learn more: http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/peerpressure/a/preteenspeer.htm
Tags: Parent Resources, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Peer Pressure
Sue Scheff: Dangers of Teenage Drinking
by Sue Scheff on Feb 01, 2009
Are you concerned about your teen or tween drinking? Do you smell alcohol on their breathe? Maybe they experimented for the first time – maybe they will get really sick and promise never again. Or maybe they really enjoyed it! Parents need to step up and educate their pre-teens and teens of the dangers of alcoholism, especially if there is a family member that suffers from this. Many believe this is a genetic disease, but I encourage all parents to whether this runs in the family or not, to be aware of this peer pressure. Much of this substance abuse can be started by peer pressure - a desire to fit in. To be cool. Well, be a cool parent and learn about this and talk to your kids about it before it becomes a problem.
Source: We Don’t Serve Teens
Teens Don’t Just Drink. They Drink to Excess.
More than 10 percent of eighth graders, 22 percent of sophomores, and 26 percent of seniors report recent binge drinking (5+ drinks on the same occasion).
Statistics show that the majority of current teen drinkers got drunk in the previous month. That includes 54 percent of the high school sophomores who drink and 65 percent of the high school seniors who drink.
Reducing underage drinking can reduce drinking-related harm.
Brain Development and Alcohol Abuse
- Research indicates that the human brain continues to develop into a person’s early 20’s, and that exposure of the developing brain to alcohol may have long-lasting effects on intellectual capabilities and may increase the likelihood of alcohol addiction.
- The age when drinking starts affects future drinking problems. For each year that the start of drinking is delayed, the risk of later alcohol dependence is reduced by 14 percent.
Drinking and Driving
- Car crashes are the leading cause of death among people ages 15 to 20. About 1,900 people under 21 die every year from car crashes involving underage drinking.
- Young people are more susceptible to alcohol-induced impairment of their driving skills. Drinking drivers aged 16 to 20 are twice as likely to be involved in a fatal crash as drinking drivers who are 21 or older.
Suicide
- Alcohol use interacts with conditions like depression and stress, and contributes to an estimated 300 teen suicides a year.
- High school students who drink are twice as likely to have seriously considered attempting suicide, as compared to nondrinkers. High school students who binge drink are four times as likely to have attempted suicide, as compared to nondrinkers.
Sexual Behavior
- Current teen drinkers are more than twice as likely to have had sexual intercourse within the past three months than teens who don’t drink.
- Higher drinking levels increase the likelihood of sexual activity.
- Adolescents who drink are more likely to engage in risky sexual activities, like having sex with someone they don’t know or failing to use birth control.
Other Risks
- Teens who drink alcohol are more likely than nondrinkers to smoke marijuana, use inhalants, or carry a weapon.
- Binge drinking substantially increases the likelihood of these activities.
Academic Performance
- A government study published in 2007 shows a relationship between binge drinking and grades. Approximately two-thirds of students with “mostly A’s” are non-drinkers, while nearly half of the students with “mostly D’s and F’s” report binge drinking. It is not clear, however, whether academic failure leads to drinking, or vice versa.
For further information on the risks of adolescent alcohol use, visit the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
Don’t serve alcohol to teens.
It’s unsafe. It’s illegal. It’s irresponsible.
Tags: Dangers of Teen Drinking, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resoruce Experts, Peer Pressure, Struggling Teens, Substance Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Drinking, Teen Peer Pressure
Teen Runaways by Sue Scheff (Parents Universal Resource Experts)
by Sue Scheff on Dec 08, 2008
Teen Runaways are on the increase. Many teens think that the grass is greener on the other side.
They are confused and following the crowd of peers making poor choices. Teens want to escape the “rules of a household” and we as parents, become their number one enemy. They feel that they are fearless and can prove they can survive without their parents and our rules. Rules are put in place for a reason; we love our children and want them to grow up with dignity and respect we try to instill in them. Their flight plan, in some ways, is a cry for attention. Many times runaways are back home shortly, however there are other situations that can be more serious. This is not to say any child that runs away is not serious, but when this becomes a habit and is their way of rebelling, a parent needs to intervene.
So many times we hear how “their friend’s parents” allow a much later curfew or are more lenient, and you are the worst parents in the world. This is very common and the parent feels helpless, hopeless and alone. It is all part of the manipulation the teens put us through. With their unappreciative thoughts of us, they will turn to this destructive behavior, which, at times, results in them leaving the home.
Some teens go to a friend’s house or relative they believe they can trust and make up stories about their home life. This is very common, a parent has to suffer the pain and humiliation that it causes to compound it with the need to get your child help that they need. If you fear your child is at risk of running, the lines of communication have to be open. We understand this can be difficult, however if possible needs to be approached in a positive manner. Teen help starts with communication.
If you feel this has escalated to where you cannot control them, it may be time for placement and possibly having your child escorted. Please know that the escorts (transports) are all licensed and very well trained in removing children from their home into safe programs. These escorts are also trained counselors that will talk to your child all the way, and your child will end his/her trip with a new friend and a better understanding of why their parents had to resort to this measure.
Helpful Hint if you child has runaway and you are using all your local resources – offer a cash reward to their friends privately, of course promising their anonymity and hopefully someone will know your child’s whereabouts.
Having a teen runaway is very frightening and it can bring you to your wits end. Try to remain positive and hopeful and do all you can to help understand why your child is acting out this way. These are times when parents need to seek help for themselves. Don’t be ashamed to reach out to others. We are all about parents helping parents.
Learn more at www.helpyourteens.com.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Out of Control Teens, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Peer Pressure, Teen Runaways, Wits End
Sue Scheff – Teen Peer Pressure
by Sue Scheff on Nov 25, 2008
Peer Pressure leads to “Good Teens Making Bad Choices” which is very common today.
Teen Peer Pressure can be extremely damaging to a pre-teen or teen that is desperately trying to fit in somewhere – anywhere in their school. They are not sure what group they belong in, and those that are suffering with low self esteem can end up fitting more comfortably with the less than desirable peers. This can be the beginning of a downward spiral. When a child doesn’t have confidence of who they are or where they belong, it can lead to the place that is easiest to fit in – usually the not the best crowd.
Keeping your child involved in activities such as sports, music and school clubs can help give them a place where they belong. We always encourage parents to find the one thing that truly interests their child, whether it is a musical instrument, swimming, golf, diving, dance, chess club, drama, etc. It is important to find out what their interests are and help them build on it. Encourage them 100%. They don’t need to be the next Tiger Woods, but they need to enjoy what they are doing and keep busy doing it. Staying busy in a constructive way is always beneficial.
It is very common with many parents that contact us that their child has fallen into the wrong crowd and has become a follower rather than a leader. They are making bad choices, choices they know better however the fear of not fitting in with their friends sways them to make the wrong decisions. Low self esteem can attribute to this behavior, and if it has escalated to a point of dangerous situations such as legal issues, substance use, gang related activity, etc. it may be time to seek outside help. Remember, don’t be ashamed of this, it is very common today and you are not alone. So many parents believe others will think it is a reflection of their parenting skills, however with today’s society; the teen peer pressure is stronger than it ever has been. The Internet explosion combined with many teens Entitlement Issues has made today’s generation a difficult one to understand.
It is so important to find the right fit for your child if you are seeking residential treatment. We always encourage *local adolescent counseling prior to any Residential Treatment Programs or Boarding schools, however this is not always necessary. Many parents have an instinct when their child is heading the wrong direction. It is an intuition only a parent can detect. If something doesn’t seem right, it usually isn’t. If your gut is talking to you, you may want to listen or investigate what your child is doing. Parents need to understand that teen peer pressure can influence adolescents in negative ways. Do you know who your child’s friends are?
If you feel your teen is in need of further Boarding School, Military School or Program Options, please complete our Information Request Form. Please visit Informational Articles for more beneficial information.*Local Therapist should be Therapist/Counselors that “specialize” with Adolescents.
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, parenting blog, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Peer Pressure, Troubled Teens
