I have lived in South Florida for over 20 years (although born and  raised in New York), we were always made aware that bad things can happen to good people wherever you are.  Stacey Honowitz, who I consider a good friend and devoted crusader for children,  is a twenty-two year veteran of the State Attorney’s Office, seventeen years dedicated to the Sex Crimes and Child Abuse Unit where she is currently serving as a supervisor.

Stacey Honowitz

She has written two books that target this sensitive and ugly topic of sex abuse and sex crimes.  As the fastest growing crime in the country, Child Sexual Abuse is a national problem. “My Privates are Private” and “Genius with a Penis: Don’t Touch” aim to help parents educate their children in a fun and comfortable way.  Both books Stacey Honowitz authored to help educate parents, teachers and children to better understand this ugly crime that is despicable.

She is also a frequent legal commentator who has provided legal analysis for CNN Headline News, Good Morning America, Dateline NBC, CBS News 48 Hours, MSNBC, CNBC, Dr. Drew HLN, Larry King,  as well as Fox News and Court Television. She has prosecuted several high profile cases in south Florida and is also a guest lecturer who speaks about child sex abuse, the sensitive nature of these cases, the navigation of the criminal justice system and the importance of frank and open communication with children about this important and difficult subject matter.

She has provided important information for several years to both parents and children on the issues of child molestation and continues to send the message that the importance of reporting the abuse is the first step in healing. To contact Stacey, email: info@staceyhonowitz.com .

Stacey is available for speaking engagements focusing on Child Sex Crimes, how to discuss sex abuse with your children, adult rape cases, investigations for child pornography, navigating the criminal justice system and the medias role in high profile cases.  Contact her – click here.

Learn more about Stacey’s books and don’t forget to order them today!  Her website is full of valuable information!

Nation’s leading experts confirm college dating violence is a much larger problem than anyone realizes

Loveisrespect.org, the National Partnership to End Dating Abuse, launches new initiative to combat dating violence on college campuses nationwide

A new survey reveals dating violence and abuse to be surprisingly more prevalent among college students than previously believed. Nearly half of dating college women (43%) report having ever experienced violent or abusive dating behaviors, and more than one in five (22%) report actual physical abuse, sexual abuse or threats of physical violence. Despite the high number of students experiencing these types of abuse, more than one-third of college students (38%) say they would not know how to get help on campus if they found themselves in an abusive relationship.

The survey, “Liz Claiborne Inc.’s Love Is Not Abuse 2011 College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll,” was conducted by Knowledge Networks to address the lack of data on dating violence and abuse among college students and to increase the understanding of this problem on college campuses nationwide.

According to dating violence expert, Dr. Karen Singleton, Director of Sexual Violence Response, a program of Columbia University Health Services, “This survey expands on earlier reports and reinforces the complexity of the issue.” Among the findings are:

·         Nearly 1 in 3 (29%) college women report having been a victim of an abusive dating relationship in her life.

·         57% of students who report having been in an abusive dating relationship indicate it occurred in college.

·         52% of college women report knowing a friend who has experienced violent and abusive dating behaviors including physical, sexual, digital, verbal or controlling abuse.

·         Further, 58% of students said they would not know how to help if they knew someone was a victim.

“The findings of this survey prove that colleges and universities need to provide a more comprehensive response and additional creative educational programs to address dating violence and abuse,” said Jane Randel, Senior Vice President, Corporate Communications, Liz Claiborne Inc.

The survey findings were released today, during a forum to educate students about sexual assault prevention and survivor assistance at American University.

The full report of survey results can be found at www.loveisnotabuse.com.

National Dating Abuse Helpline and Break the Cycle Respond to the Urgent Need for Education

In direct response to these new findings, www.loveisrespect.org, a partnership between the National Dating Abuse Helpline and leading teen dating violence prevention organization, Break the Cycle, is launching an initiative to target college students with new, relevant resources to address the issue of dating abuse.

The expanded online content includes: Take Action (information on how students can get involved on their campus), Stay Safe (safety planning designed specifically for college students) and Help a Friend (information to assist bystanders). The survey shows that 57% of college students say it is difficult to identify dating abuse – substantive evidence of the need for increased education and awareness.

“It is our hope that with these targeted college resources, we can help increase knowledge about how students can combat the issue and ultimately, help prevent the prevalence of dating abuse and violence among students,” said President of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and National Dating Abuse Helpline, Katie-Ray Jones.

The resources are available, free online at www.loveisrespect.org.

In addition, Liz Claiborne Inc. has created a college dating violence curriculum called Love Is Not Abuse, designed to help students deal with dating violence and abuse on campus. The first college curriculum of its kind, Love Is Not Abuse educates students about the dangers and warning signs of dating violence, offers lessons specifically on abuse via technology and provides resources where college students can find help on campus.

The Love Is Not Abuse curriculum was created by a task force consisting of educators and domestic and sexual violence experts from Columbia University, George Mason University, the University of Kansas, Virginia Community College System, Northern Virginia Community College and Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University (Virginia Tech) following the May 2010 murder of University of Virginia student Yeardley Love.

The Love Is Not Abuse college curriculum is available online, free at www.loveisnotabuse.com/web/guest/curriculum.

Talk to your teens about dating.

Dating can be a fun and great time for you as a teenager. The first teen dating tip is the most important. It is totally possible to maintain good standards while having a good time. In fact, you will have more fun when you do. The easiest way to do this is look for and date people who have the same high standards as you do. The bad boy or girl may look intriguing, however the fun wears off really quickly.

Manners matter when you are dating, especially as a teenager. Always remember your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ with the person you are out with. There is nothing more annoying than an ungrateful date. The second teen dating tip is to remember the golden rule: treat others like you want to be treated.

All of this aside, the following are some more great teen dating tips. Hopefully most of these will already be second nature, but if they are not it is a good time to start working on them.

Before The Date

~Asking the Person Out~ When you have found someone that you would like to go out with, practice asking them out (especially if you are nervous). When you have it mastered, just do it. You don’t have to come up with a fancy shmancy way to ask. A simple, “Do you want to go out on Friday?” is totally okay.
HINT: It is NOT good dating etiquette to show up in their driveway, call them on their cell phone and ask them out right then. Parents do not like this.

~Get a Group Together~ It is so much more fun to go out in a group, especially when you are just getting into the dating mix. A bunch of people can come up with so much more to do and talk about. It will also help with the nerves of the date.

~Take a Shower~ Truly… clean up and look nice for the person you have asked out or that has asked you out. Grooming is a good habit anyway, but take it to the next level for your date. Honestly, no one wants to go out with someone that just got done with team practice and smells like it.
HINT: Extra cologne and perfume do not cover up the smell of sweat….

~Know Where You Are Going and What You Are Doing~ This is good teen dating tip manners. You will be able to let the other person know what to expect. Also, they should know what kind of clothing and dress to pick out. Most importantly, when your date’s parents ask what you are doing, you will be able to give them a good answer. Very important.
HINT: Your date’s parents will know when you are not telling the truth…

The Date

~Picking Up Your Date~ Go up to the door to pick up your date.  I don’t care how scared you are to meet your date’s parents… you need to do it! Man up! My father was a very scary man to boys who came to pick me up. Most of them left the house shaking. Yet, the ones who manned up and did it earned not only my respect, but his. The ones who didn’t were quite simply not good enough.
HINT: Honking your horn for your date shows fear and a lack of respect. DON”T DO IT.

~Be Yourself~ The reason why your date said yes to you is because of you. If you pretend to be someone else it will only get harder, especially if you spend more time with that person. Really, trying to be someone other than you is just a big fat lie you have to keep up…how exhausting.
HINT: It is so much more fun being the nerd you really are inside.

~Conversations~ Believe it or not, you will have to talk to your date. It is a good idea to have a list of things in mind that are interesting about that person that you want to know more about. Ask questions and then listen to what they say. Answer questions you are asked. This is good manners.
HINT: Don’t sit and talk about yourself the entire night… boring.

~Put the Electronics Away~ You are out with someone to have fun with, talk to and have adventures. It is impossible to do any of this if your ear buds are in, attached to your text conversation or chatting with your friends on the phone. Unplug for the night.

~Respect Curfew~ Nothing good happens after curfew. Your date’s parents have a very good reason they want their son or daughter home by a certain time. Even if you don’t understand it, respect it. Chances are, if you do, you will be allowed to see your date again.
HINT: Being in the driveway ‘chatting’ in the car is not respecting curfew. Your date needs to be in the house for it to count.

~Respect Yourself~ Unfortunately there are times when your date is not very respectful of who you are and your standards. If this ever occurs, it is important that you remember: IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO AND MEAN IT. Stand up for yourself. Get out of the car. Walk away, get somewhere safe, and call someone. No one is worth giving up who you are inside.

~The Doorstep~ Every date has to come to an end. Remember curfew? Walk your date to the doorstep. This does not mean that you have to kiss them, it just means that you want to see them safely inside. Let your date know you had a good time (if you really did). Only tell them you are going to call them if it is the truth. Otherwise your date will be agonizing and staring at the phone for the next few days. Give their parents a break and be honest about calling this person.

Hopefully these teen dating tips will give you an idea of what to do when you are out with someone. My mom always used to say to me, “Remember who you are, use your manners and have fun.” She knew what she was talking about. Enjoy!

Source:  Modern Manners and Etiquette

1. Movies: The movies are a popular place for teens to go to on a first date because it’s casual, cheap and fun. They can go to a matinee or use their student discount to save money on tickets and put it towards important things like popcorn and candy.
2. Ice Skating Rink: Ice skating is a fun and romantic first date for teenagers, especially if one person needs help skating. They can hold hands and talk as they circle the rink, and sip on hot chocolate when the Zamboni resurfaces the ice.
3. Arcades: Many teen first dates take place in arcades because it’s good old-fashioned fun. Teens love to challenge each other to a game of air hockey, skee-ball and Ms. Pac-Man, while playfully flirting over who’s better. Arcades offer hours of fun and are relatively cheap.
4. Restaurants: Many teenagers’ first dates involve going to a restaurant. Teens probably won’t have enough money for anywhere nice, but they can typically afford pizza, burgers and other inexpensive meals. Hopefully, they know to tip and how much is appropriate.
5. Dances: Teenagers love to dance, and considering the amount of dances that happen every year, it’s no surprise that it’s a favorite activity for first dates. Teenagers can bring their dates to school dances, church dances and other dance functions, where they can hang out with friends and show off their cool dance moves.
6. Mall: Teens love to stroll the mall and shop during first dates. They might buy some candy at the candy store, peruse the kiosks or make a stuffed animal at Build-A-Bear Workshop. But, teens don’t have to buy anything to have fun at the mall &mdash they can just hang out and talk at the food court, arcade or movie theater inside the mall.
7. Bowling Alley: The bowling alley is a popular place for teenagers’ first dates because it’s fun and interactive. They can play against each other or form teams with friends to make it competitive and a good time for all participants. Bowling can get expensive, but teens might be able to go at cheaper times and use student discounts.
8. Miniature Golf: Teens love to play miniature golf on first dates because it’s cheap and good ole’ competitive fun. They can talk and get to know each other while put-putting along. Afterward, they can check out the go-karts or challenge each other in the arcade room.
9. Coffee Shop: Teenagers may not be coffee drinkers, but they sure do love to meet up at local coffee shops for their first dates. No matter your age, it’s always fun to sit down in a comfy chair and get to know someone over a cup of Joe or hot chocolate.
10. Paintball Park: Teens love to take their dates paintballing because it’s a fun and competitive activity. It may not be the most romantic thing to treat your date like a blank canvas, but it is a great way to ease the first date jitters and see a different side of your date.

Special contributor:  Mary Edwards

As we hear more about dating violence, sexual assault and abuse, is it safer to date in groups?  It seems so, and with today’s teenage society it is best to know all you can about what our teens are doing.  Being an educated parent can help keep your teen safer, that is a given. Take the time to learn about the group of friend.  A recent article on Connect with Kids has some great advice for parent.

Source: Connect with Kids

Are Teen Group Dates Better?

“I like [group dates] ’cause you can have fun with all your friends – and, like, on one-on-one dates, you’re always self-conscious.”

– Nicole, 16 years old

Prom season is upon us, perhaps the ultimate teen dating experience. Yet, beyond the pomp and circumstance of prom limos, tuxedoes and fancy dresses, lots of teens say they don’t date. Instead, they’re going out in large groups.

Teens like Richard and Holly, when they go on a date, will also invite a few of their closest friends along. “When you’re on a group date, it’s just more fun,” says Holly, “I think that there’s more variety of things to do when you go out.”

It’s fun, but there’s another reason for the popularity of group dating: kids feel “safer.”

As Nancy McGarrah, a licensed psychologist explains, “they are thinking about safety not in necessarily the same way parents are thinking about safety, but they are thinking about rejection.”

“Like [during a] one-on-one date, you’re like, ‘God, what if I say this? Is something bad going to happen?’” laughs 17-year-old Alison.

But while kids take comfort in their emotional security, experts say parents should still be concerned about their physical safety. More kids, they say, can mean more peer pressure.

“Kids in groups get into just as much trouble,” says McGarrah. “You still need to be aware that, you know, there’s a lot of inappropriate sexual activity that kids will get into; there’s a lot of drugs and alcohol problems that kids will get into, smoking activity – things that parents are not going to want their teens doing.”

So, she says, when sending your teen out on a group date, follow the same advice you would if they were going on an individual date.

“You want to know who the people are,” says McGarrah. “It’s really helpful for the parents to have a network where they can be in touch with each other – and know that we’re all kind of on the same plane, thinking the same way about what are appropriate activities, making sure you check in, kids calling in at certain times, giving curfews – those things still apply.”

And if your teen does get into an uncomfortable situation, says McGarrah, “a lot of parents will say, ‘I’ll give you a code word and if you ever call me and say this code word – you know, Minnesota, whatever- we’ll come get you and we won’t ever ask you any questions about why.’ And that gives kids a safety net.”

What Parents Need To Know

When it comes to relationships, parents are a child’s first role model. Experts agree, your teen is watching and paying attention. Be a good relationship role model: Show respect, listen, be attentive and fight fair.

Parents need to be very open with their kids and talk about relationships and sexuality – as well as ways of keeping themselves safe. Sharing factual information with and giving good moral guidance to your teenager is a vitally important part of helping your teen understand herself or himself. “Above all, it is critical that parents be truthful, honest, and available to their children,” says Charles R. Wibbelsman, M.D., FAAP, Chief of Adolescent Medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco and a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Adolescence.

Though not always an easy and comfortable conversation, parents need to talk with teens about sex and “hooking up” — a common term that usually defines a no-commitment, physical encounter with a stranger or acquaintance. Hooking up can range from just a make-out session all the way to sex. Talk with your teens about the difference between sex and dating. Dating is a time when two people are getting to know each other.

To help keep the channels of communication open when it comes to kids and dating, WebMD suggests these strategies for parents:

• Know what your kids are doing — who they’re emailing, who are their Facebook friends, and who they are hanging out with.
• Analyze sex in the media: When you watch TV or movies together, use any sexual messages you see as a jumping-off point to start a conversation about healthy relationships and sex.
• Be curious: When your kids get home from a night out, ask questions: “How was the party? What did you do?” If you’re not getting straight answers, then talk with them about trust, their actions, and the consequences.
• Avoid accusing your teens of wrongdoing. Instead of asking, “Are you hooking up?” say, “I’m concerned that you might be sexually active without being in a relationship.”

Resources

• Web MD on Teens and Hooking Up
• Five Truths About Teens and Dating from About.com
• American Academy of Pediatrics on Adolescent Sexuality

O-kay, let’s face it, teens are very well versed in sex education – far more than generations prior.  However the bragging rights seem to continue.  According to the CDC, an estimated 48% had sexual intercourse before graduating from high school.  Nearly two-thirds of teens that have had sexual intercourse say they regret it and wish they had waited, according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.  Connect with Kids just posted an interesting article about boy and their boasting about their sexual encounters. 

Boys Brag about Sex

Source: Connect with Kids

“Some guys are really stupid and all they want is to have sex and, yeah, they brag about everywhere.”

– Stephanie, 16 years old

Teenage boys like to talk about it and, sometimes, they exaggerate.

“All they talk about is sex,” 17 year old Tyler says. “You go walking down the hallway…sex, sex, sex. ‘Hey I had sex with her, I had sex with him.’”

In a new Seventeen magazine survey of boys and young men, almost half said they were virgins and one in four said he had lied to other kids about not being a virgin. According to the survey of 1,200 boys and young men, age 15 to 22, 60 percent said they lied about something sexual, 30 percent lied about “how far they had gone,” and 78 percent said that there was too much pressure from society to have sex.

17 year old Brad confirms that “guys brag all the time. I mean I’ve met one guy who hasn’t bragged about it. ”

Still there are some boys, like 17 year old Jesse, who are willing to say ‘no’ even when pressured by a girl.

“I was just astonished and I was like, ‘no’ because I like know this girl, she was my friend, but she wasn’t someone I wanted to do that stuff with. She wasn’t the right person for me to lose my virginity with.”

Daniel Jean-Baptiste, a health educator, says he has seen a change in the attitude of young men. “The attitude is starting to become, ‘I don’t really care if my buddies are talking about it and this person is bragging about it. It’s not really a big deal, because you can get STDs. Or you can get someone pregnant.”

Many experts argue that in our culture, boys are pressured to have sex, or at least say they have, but that it’s up to parents to talk about the seriousness of sex… and the risks.

“A young person is never too young to talk about HIV, to talk about STDs, to talk about puberty,” Jean-Baptiste says. “And I think that if parents start to talk to their young people before they reach puberty… you’ve really seasoned them, so that in the future years… you’ll be more comfortable and they’ll be more comfortable talking to you.”

They will be more comfortable, as he says, and there is a good chance they will listen.

“Kids, they might not say they listen to their parents but deep down inside, there’s always… their parents are their little voice… anything a parent says usually does get taken to heart,” says 18 year old Jesse.

Related Information

It’s not uncommon to see statistics showing that girls face a great deal of pressure to have sex at an early age. But a new survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows that girls are not alone. Researchers found that one in three teen boys reported feeling peer pressure to have sex – often from male friends. In fact, the survey findings showed that boys were more likely than girls to feel pressure and more likely to believe that waiting to have sex is a myth.

How prevalent is sexual behavior among teens? The most recent numbers come from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s 2007 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey of high school students from 34 states:

• An estimated 48% had sexual intercourse before graduating from high school.
• Approximately 15% had sexual intercourse with four or more partners before graduating from high school.
• Nearly 62% of currently sexually active students used a condom during last sexual intercourse.
• Approximately 90% of the students said they had been taught about AIDS and HIV infection in school.

Tips for Parents

Nearly two-thirds of teens that have had sexual intercourse say they regret it and wish they had waited, according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. The campaign also found that when it comes to making a decision about sex, 30% said that friends influenced their decision the most.

As a parent, how can you help your child make an informed decision about sex? It is first important to openly discuss sexual health with your child. Although it may be tough and awkward at times, open communication and accurate information that comes from you – the parent – increases the chance that your teen will postpone sex or use appropriate methods of birth control once he or she begins. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry offers the following advice when talking to your child about sex:

• Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
• Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
• Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
• Try to determine your child’s level of knowledge and understanding.
• Keep your sense of humor, and don’t be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
• Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring and respect for oneself and one’s partner.
• Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
• Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
• Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.

Your teen may be feeling pressure to have sex from a number of places – friends, peers or partners. As a parent, it is important that you give your child the necessary tools to make a decision about sex before peer pressure makes the decision for him or her. The American Social Health Association (ASHA) offers the following advice about sex and peer pressure to share with your teen:

• Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is “doing it,” it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn’t mean they are actually having sex.
• Hollywood doesn’t show the full story. Sexual situations are everywhere in our culture. They are on television, in movies and even in commercials and magazines. This is part of the reason why we enjoy these things so much. Just remember: Characters in these movies, television shows and advertisements are actors and actresses. They can’t get unwanted pregnancies and STDs. You can.
• There are lots of great reasons why people wait to have sex. You may be making plans to go to college or to start a job after you finish high school. Would a baby in your life make it easier or tougher for you to do the things you’ve dreamed about? Wanting to avoid STDs is another reason that some people are very cautious about becoming sexually active.

You can continue to help your teen avoid peer pressure to have sex by teaching him or her the following strategies from the ASHA:

• Hang out with friends who also believe that it’s okay to not be ready for sex yet.
• Date several people and hang out with different groups of people.
• Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
• Introduce your friends to your parents.
• Invite your friends to your home.
• Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case you feel uncomfortable.
• Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured to have sex.
• Think of what you would say in advance in case someone tries to pressure you.
• Be ready to call your mother, father or a friend to pick you up if you need to leave a date.
• Never feel obligated to “pay someone back” with sex in return for an expensive date or gift.
• Say “no” and mean “no” if that’s how you feel.

References

• American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
• American Social Health Association
• Kaiser Family Foundation
• National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
• Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (CDC)

You can do your part to raise awareness of teen dating violence and abuse this month by encouraging people to join the MADE (Moms And Dads for Education To Stop Teen Dating Abuse) movement! ANYONE can join the MADE coalition by visiting: http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made/petition.html

Parents need to open the lines of communication with their teens.  Love is Not Abuse is an organization that provides information and tools that men, women, children, teens and corporate executives can use to learn more about the issue and find out how they can help end this epidemic of domestic violence.

Love is Not Abuse also offers a Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence.  This can help you to start the conversation.  Also visit Love is Respect for more valuable information.

During this month of February when love is in the air, take the time to show your love to your kids and sit down and talk about this serious subject.  If you are a teacher, please take a few minutes to discuss this topic.  You never know who is listening and what you may be preventing.

Happy Valentine’s Day and remember, it is not about “being mine” as it is about “being kind.”

Pass it on.

Read more on Examiner and watch video.

Sexual harassment

Recently 20/20 ABC News reported on this disturbing subject.  Sexual Harassment Policy Expert, Susan Strauss, says the problem is especially prevalent in fast food restaurants where so many teenagers have their first jobs.

“They’re vulnerable, they’re young, they’re new to the workforce,” Strauss said of the teenage employees.

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual behavior. It may take different forms, including:

• Physical contact, like grabbing, pinching, touching your breast or butt or other body parts, or kissing you against your will;
• Sexual comments, like name-calling (slut, whore, fag), starting rumors about you, making sexual jokes at your expense, or making sexual gestures at or about you;
• Sexual propositions, like asking you for sex or repeatedly asking you out when you have said no;
• Unwanted communication, like phone calls, letters, or e-mails. These can be mean, nasty, or threatening, or they can seem flattering or nice but still make you uncomfortable.

These are only examples; there may be other forms of behavior that are not listed here but still can be considered sexual harassment.

Both the harasser and the victim can be either male or female, and they do not have to be the opposite sex. The harasser can be another teenager or an adult.

Reference: Teen Victim Project

• 81 percent of students will experience some form of sexual harassment at some time while they are in school, with 27 percent experiencing it often.
• 85 percent of students report that students harass other students at their schools.
• Almost 40 percent of students report that teachers and other school employees sexually harass students in their schools.

Do you suspect your teen is being harassed at their employment?  Whether you answer “yes” or “no“  you have to take the time to discuss this subject with them.  They need to understand even if they are not strong enough to say “no” to sexual advances or afraid to say “no“, it is wrong and they can tell someone. 

Sexual harassment is not limited to just workplaces, it could be in school, youth groups, or any situation that involves a person that is less than ethical.  This information is not to alarm as much as it is to bring an awareness to parents. 

According to a recent study in Maine, one in three high school students reported unwanted sexual advances in the workplace.

Be an educated parent, you will have a safer teen.

Watch video and read more.

MADE  (Moms and Dads for Education to Stop Dating Abuse

Today is TIME TO TALK DAY.

Today, December 3rd is “It’s Time to Talk Day,” a day dedicated to ensuring that Americans speak-up about a subject that most people simply prefer not to discuss— domestic violence. Liz Claiborne Inc. has organized “It’s Time to Talk Day” each fall for the past six years to draw major national attention to the importance of talking about domestic violence, teen dating violence and intimate partner abuse.

We need YOU to ensure that everyone participates in “It’s Time to Talk Day” today. Talk about domestic violence and teen dating abuse this Thursday. Recruit new members for MADE and ensure all of your friends, family and colleagues know about “It’s Time to Talk Day,” MADE and the Love Is Not Abuse Campaign.

Post this logo on your Facebook and encourage people to visit www.loveisnotabuse.com to learn more!

Follow MADE on Twitter @MADECoalition

Teen dating violence and abuse is an issue parents need to be aware of and learn more about. Love is Not Abuse is an organization that was founded in 1991 by Liz Claiborne Inc. Everyone needs to take the time to be an educated parent; you will have a safer teen.

Love is Not Abuse posted an informational letter from an expert on Teen Dating Abuse. Please learn more now and explore their website for more resources.

A Letter to Parents on Teen Dating Abuse from Pediatrician and Expert, Dr. Elizabeth Miller

Dear Parents/Guardians/Educators,

As a physician who specializes in care for adolescents, a researcher on teen dating abuse, and a parent of a teen, I am often asked by other parents to talk about the warning signs of dating abuse, what parents should be looking for, and how they can help their child navigate out of an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to these questions.

A Common Characteristic

A common characteristic of unhealthy and abusive relationships is the control that the abusive partner seeks to maintain in the relationship. This includes telling someone what to wear, where they can go, who they can hang out with, calling them names, humiliating them in front of others. Over time, the isolation from one’s social network increases, as the abuser insists on spending time “just the two of us,” and threatens to leave or cause harm if things do not go the way they want, “You must not love me.”

Creating this isolation and dissolution of one’s social supports (loss of friends, disconnectedness from family) are hallmarks of controlling behaviors. In addition, abusers often monitor cell phones and emails, and for example, may threaten harm if the response to a text message is not instant.

Parents are rarely aware of such controlling tactics as these occur insidiously over time, and an adolescent may themselves not recognize the controlling, possessive behaviors as unhealthy. “They must love me because they just want to spend time with me.”

Warning Signs

While the following non-specific warning signs could indicate other concerning things such as depression or drug use, these should also raise a red flag for parents and adult caregivers about the possibility of an unhealthy relationship:

•no longer hanging out with his/her circle of friends
•wearing the same clothing
•distracted when spoken to
•constantly checking cell phone, gets extremely upset
when asked to turn phone off
•withdrawn, quieter than usual
•angry, irritable when asked how they are doing
•making excuses for their boyfriend/girlfriend
•showering immediately after getting home
•unexplained scratches or bruises

Sexual coercion and violence are also not uncommon in teen dating abuse. Again, because of the emotional abuse and control, victims of sexual violence may be convinced that they are to blame for what has happened. “You’d do this if you loved me” or “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll leave you” are common examples of sexual coercion. In some instances, girls in abusive relationships describe how their partners actively tried to get them pregnant. Rarely do teens disclose such sexual abuse to their parents as they may feel shameful, guilty, and scared. Parents need to be aware of the possibility of sexual abuse, and to ensure that they communicate with their child that they are never to blame if someone tries to make them do things sexually that they don’t want to do. And certainly, that no one ever has the right to put their hands on them, period. The physical and sexual violence can escalate quickly in these unhealthy relationships where the abusive partner has significant control over the other.

Advice for Parents

Perhaps the best advice for parents is to start talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship early on with your child. Sharing the warning signs of teen dating abuse with your child and saying, “If you know someone who’s experiencing something like this, let’s talk about it, let’s talk about how you can be a good friend and help them stay safe.” Please assure your child that they are not to blame for an unhealthy relationship, and that you are available to help them be safe and happy. Please avail yourself of the many good resources available on teen dating abuse for youth and adults.

For more information on teen dating violence and abuse: Stop It Now, MADE Coalition, Love is Respect, S.A.A.R.A., Rachel Simmons (Huffington Post).

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