Cyber Stalkers and Cyberbullies: What motivates them and how to ignore them
by Sue Scheff on Dec 05, 2010
This is a loaded question, as a victim and survivor of a cyber stalker, as well as the target of cyberbullies, I know firsthand how difficult and stressful it can be.
Initially you are shocked – wondering who these people are? Why are they doing this? In many situations, you don’t even know the perpetrator, but they certainly believe they know you!
In 2006 I won a landmark case for Internet Defamation and Invasion of Privacy. It was a jury verdict of over $11M for damages done to my organization (Parents’ Universal Resource Experts) and myself.
I was literally bombarded with what are called “Google bombs” – and worse than that, they would attack my friends. My friends would try to fight back and the more you debate these people (stalkers/bullies) the more they engage and it can go from bad to worse within a matter of a few minutes of keystrokes.
With stalkers/bullies, you will never win – Yes, I was vindicated in a court of law, but did that remove all the slime that was online? It didn’t – and I continually have to spend time explaining these unfortunate people that have nothing better to do with their lives but to hurt others. They no longer hurt me – I only feel terrible for others that have to listen to their ranting.
In my situation, many of my stalkers/bullies are former institutionalized patients – I represent and advocate for parents that are looking to get their at-risk teens help they need. These stalkers/bullies don’t believe in residential therapy – maybe they had a bad experience, or maybe they just believe your teen is doing just fine smoking dope and skipping school – and possibly joining a gang – (why not, in many cases, they did it – and look at them now). Yes – that is scary.
In my story, I did struggle with my teen daughter – I had to reach out for help, and unfortunately for my daughter and myself, I chose a program that was horrible. It abused my daughter both emotionally and physically. My story is documented in Wit’s End (Health Communications, Inc) or you can read an abbreviated version at www.aparentstruestory.com.
When I opened my organization, I was determined to help parents not to get scammed into the same ordeal we went through. I was actually sued by the program that abused my daughter (WWASPS – Carolina Springs Academy) for Internet Defamation.
I fought back and went to a jury trial in Utah in 2004, which I won with the truth. The truth is always your defense. No one condones child abuse.
When you can’t beat someone legally, the next best step today is taking it to the wild west of the Internet! Yes, the next thing I realized I was being slammed online. Called a child abuser, kidnapper, Ed-con, exploited families, a crook, and worse. Some comments even got sexual and disgusting. As my family and friends were reading this – I was mortified. I had to take legal action. The rest is history – as I won again in a jury trial for damages of over $11M.
Here we are in 2010 and I still have stalkers – but what I have learned from my experience is what others need to know when they are stalked.
- Never fuel it or engage in it – you will only fire it up. The stalker/bully wants to get a reaction, as hard as it is, don’t do it.
- If you can, block him/her and report them to the moderator of the forum (ie: Twitter, Facebook, Blogspot, Google etc.)
- If you attempt to tell your side of the story, even when it is the truth, you will never win. These people are determined to destroy you – no matter how blue the sky is, they will always be more determined it is green.
- Remember, when reading their crap, it is 99.9% twisted truths or outright lies. They may tell you to go and read X, Y, and Z – but neglect to tell you to read A, B and C – which completes the story. (For example, my stalker likes to tell people to read my trial transcripts – almost 1000 pages – and they direct you to certain page numbers, but unless you read the whole trial – you won’t understand those few pages, and I may look very bad – afterall, isn’t that the job of opposing counsel?) What would happen if you only heard one side of a case in trial? No one would hear the entire story.
- What motivates these stalkers and bullies? That is a million dollar question. Depending on who they are, in many cases they simply enjoy hurting others. In my case I believe these are seriously deranged people that want all residential programs closed. They don’t understand that many parents are only doing what is best for their teen. Yes, I chose a bad program -but I have taken my mistakes and turned them around to help others.
- Ignoring them is the best form of defense you have. Again, it can be extremely difficult, but remember, the more you try to tell your story, the more they will distort it. You will never win. It is just a matter of time and unfortunately for someone else, they will move on to another target.
There are lots of great online resources with more information on bullying:
- http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/cyber-bullying.aspx
- http://www.ncpc.org/cyberbullying
- http://www.cyberbullying.us/
- http://connectsafely.org
- http://www.stompoutbullying.org
Learn more in my latest book – Google Bomb, The Untold Story of How the $11.3M Verdict Changed the Way We Use the Internet, Health Communications, Inc.
Tags: Cyber Safety, Cyber Stalkers, Cyberbullying, Google Bomb Book, Internet Gossip, Teen Depression
FREE Teleclasses Series to Provide Guidance on Emotional Bullying in Girls
by Sue Scheff on Nov 07, 2010
As bullying is spreading through our schools and communities, we need to step it up and learn all we can about bullying prevention and the bully themselves. A Way Through is a dynamic informational community to help you help your daughters.
Everyone who educates, counsels or parents girls kindergarten through grade 2 is invited to register for a free teleclass series about emotional bullying (relational aggression) in girls. On Tuesday, November 16, 2010, at 3:30 p.m. central time, A Way Through, LLC, will conduct the first of two content-rich calls focused on helping young girls through friendship problems. Register now for “When Girls Hurt Girls®: How to Guide Girls (Grades K-2) through Painful Friendships and Emotional Bullying” at www.awaythrough.com/teleclass3.htm.
“This teleclass series will help anyone — elementary school counselors, administrators and teachers as well as parents — guide kindergarten through grade 2 girls to solve their own friendship problems before they even start,” said Blair Wagner, co-founder of A Way Through, LLC.
“Research shows that relational aggression can start as young as age 2 — when kids start making friends,” said Jane Balvanz, an elementary school counselor and co-founder of A Way Through, LLC. “It makes sense to start at the foundation of girlhood, because early prevention of relational aggression promotes healthy friendships and reduces the damage it can inflict upon children. Plus, girls this age eagerly participate and learn from our techniques.”
Over the past year, A Way Through released curricula for When Girls Hurt Girls® Grades 3-5 and Grades 6-8. This teleclass series will introduce the Grades K-2 materials, which address developmental milestones in young girls and how those milestones relate to friendships. According to the authors, Balvanz and Wagner, the curriculum introduces two new techniques — Whisper Coaching™ and Neutral Talk™ — which enable educators and parents to coach young girls who can’t read and provide responses that allow girls to think and feel for themselves.
“Choosing positive friendships and assertively addressing emotional bullying are skills young girls need to cultivate now, so they can successfully navigate their future,” said Balvanz, who will co-present with Wagner. “We’re excited to answer some questions about girls and painful friendships.”
The new K-2 guidebooks will be available for purchase online at www.awaythrough.com. Those who attend the teleclass will learn how to receive a limited time offer on the Grades K-2 materials. Register for this free 45-minute call at www.awaythrough.com/teleclass3.htm.
About A Way Through, LLC
A Way Through, LLC, enables educators and parents to guide girls in grades K-8 through painful friendships. The company developed When Girls Hurt Girls®, a series of CDs, educational guides and other products, to empower girls to solve their own friendship problems. A Way Through also offers workshops for schools, youth organizations and others to help educators, parents and girls handle the difficult situations girls face with relational aggression. For details, see www.AWayThrough.com.
Tags: A Way Through, Bullying, Bullying Prevention, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Girls, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Help
Cyber Bullying – Is Your Child a Victim or Perpetrator?
by Sue Scheff on Nov 02, 2010
A very timely subject – cyberbullying. Not only is it timely, it is a growing and very serious concern among teens, kids and parents as well as teachers. The more you know, the better educated you can become on prevention. Guest Blogger, Carrie Oakley, shared her thoughts and findings with my readers.
Cyber Bullying: Is Your Child a Victim or Perpetrator?
By Carrie Oakley
If you’re a parent of children who are tech savvy and know their way around the Internet and social networks, you know you have much more on your plate than your parents did years ago. Technology has most definitely brought about a variety of changes in our lives, and while some of them are fantastic, others cause more headaches than are of help. The Internet is one such phenomenon that plagues parents of pre-teens and teens who are just discovering its endless possibilities; how do they monitor what their children are doing online and with technology, and how do they effect control over their virtual actions and words?
Every parent has had to deal with the issue of bullies in the schoolyard; however, with technology, it’s easier to bully someone – cyber bullying as it’s known happens when kids send offensive or threatening text messages and emails, when their leave abusive or snide comments on social networks, when they post offensive photos and encourage others to leave derogatory comments, and so on. Any form of harassment or badgering online and through cell phones constitutes cyber bullying.
If your child is the victim or perpetrator of this menace, you must pull out all stops to put an end to it. You can start out by monitoring your child’s use of technology. If they have a social network page, “friend” or “follow” them on it. They may try to block you out or hide their activities, but insist upon being there (and do promise not to embarrass them) just so you know they’re not up to anything they shouldn’t be doing. Watch for derogatory and snide comments, from your child and his/her friends, and be aware of your child’s emotions and reactions. If a text message or phone call makes them angry or stresses them out, if they react emotionally to any communication on their phone or if they seem out of sorts when at the computer, talk to them and find out what’s bothering them.
If your child is not forthcoming, check their web history to see what pages they’ve been accessing. Put your home computer in the hallway or the den, a place that everyone in the house uses and where the screen is visible to most people in the area so that they cannot hide what they do online. Check your child’s cell phone bills and ask your provider for the list of numbers that are called and texted frequently. Remember, it’s ok to snoop if you’re sure there’s a problem and your child needs help.
If you discover that your child is the victim of cyber bullying, encourage them to get away from technology for a while or to use it for more fulfilling purposes. They could take to an outdoor sport or activity, or they could spend time on the Internet doing something useful instead of just surfing social networks and playing online games. Get them professional help if needed and if their self esteem has taken a beating. And reiterate to them that bullies are actually cowards who hide behind their words and their fists.
If your child is a cyber bully, it’s time to talk to them and make them understand that what they’re doing is very wrong. Tell them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and see what it feels like. If they’re doing it to get back at other kids or because of peer pressure, make them realize that they need to be good human beings first. As parents, it’s up to you to instill good values in your child, and the first step to doing this is to accept that there is a problem and see what can be done to resolve it.
The key to keeping your child safe from cyber bullies is to be their friend – when you’re open with them and encourage them to come to you with any problem, no matter how serious it is, you don’t have much to worry about. At the same time, teach your child good values and encourage them to use technology wisely, to broaden their horizons and improve their knowledge, and not to harass people or bully them. You define the formative years of your child, so take charge at the earliest, and mould them into strong and good human beings.
By-line:
This guest post is contributed by Carrie Oakley, who writes on the topic of online college . Carrie welcomes your comments at her email id: carrie.oakley1983@gmail.com.
Thank you Carrie for taking the time to write about an important issue today.
Tags: Bullying, Cyber Safety, Cyberbullying, Internet Safety, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Bully Bust Your School Today – Promote School Safety
by Sue Scheff on May 23, 2010
Do we need to hear more acts of violence, bullying and vicious text rage? Do we need to hear it escalating to text hit lists or teens making bombs? In reality, this is not an exageration, it is happening.
In Broward County we have the horrific stories of Josie Lou Ratley, an eight grader that was nearly beaten to death and Michael Brewer, a teen that was nearly burned to death.
In Brevard County we have Cameron Lee Kage, a teen that was accused of creating a deadly bomb with all the materials and instructions to potentially set it off at his school.
In Duval County there is Anthony Jones that was allegedly on a text hit list in his school and was shot.
We don’t need another incident to wake-up our state and our county the serious cry for help with our teens and kids today.
BullyBust is is an awareness campaign designed to reduce bullying in schools by teaching students and adults how to stand up to bullying and promote upstander behavior. An upstander is someone who witnesses bully behavior and does something about it. Use the resources on BullyBust.org to transform your school or community from one of passive bystanders to a community of positive upstanders. Together we can put an end to bullying!
Educators, get critical supports for your school and join a dedicated community of schools nationwide: Sign up for the Partner School Program today.
Join BullyBust on Facebook and follow them on Twitter.
Sign the BullyBust Stand UP Pledge today!
Tags: Bully Bust, Bullying, Parenting Resources, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: Update on teen that was set on fire by other teens
by Sue Scheff on Dec 13, 2009
On October 12th, 2009 we were all shocked and horrified by the story of 15-year-old Michael Brewer, Deerfield Beach, Florida resident, who was doused in alcohol and set on fire by other teens.
Three teens are being charged and tried as adults in Broward County. This outragious form of bullying is not only unacceptable it leaves us questioning what is happening with our teens today? What prompts a child/teen to this type of violence?
Recently Michael Brewer received his first skin graft. A Jackson Memorial Hospital spokeswoman said Brewer was listed in stable condition after the Dec. 4 procedure.
More than $100,000 has been raised on Michael’s behalf, and the family has gotten a massive outpouring of support. Locally there have been many fund raisers. For more information you can visit Neigbors Helping Neighbors which has created a fund for the family of Michael Brewer.
In November, Michael Brewers parents were on The Early Show shortly after Michael was able to share his story to detectives.
According to The Early Show: His mother, Valerie Brewer, told “Early Show” co-anchor Harry Smith Wednesday Michael is making progress in “leaps and bounds. (Tuesday) in physical therapy, they actually had him up, walking up and down the stairs.”
Michael’s physician, Dr. Nicholas Namias, the head of Jackson Memorial’s burn center, says Michael “still has significant hurdles ahead. They’re not dramatic hurdles every day, they’re hard work hurdles for him, over the long haul. … He has to go to physical therapy every day. And it hurts. Every motion, every movement, because his major joints really all are affected. Every motion that you and I take for granted hurts him.”
Related stories: CBS News 48 Hours, Florida Sun-Sentinel, Miami Herald, Good Morning America, Michael Brewer Foundation on Facebook
Take two minutes to watch the video about this story.
Tags: Bullying, Parenting Teens, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: Bullying In Schools
by Sue Scheff on Nov 05, 2009
Source: Connect With Kids
Bullying in Schools
“It’s a big world out there… there’s not just one group of kids, there’s not just one girl who you need to be friends with. Your life doesn’t end if you move away from the group you’re having trouble with and make friends somewhere else.”
– Stacey DeWitt, President, Connect with Kids, Inc.
Online bullying has gotten a lot of attention lately, but a new study by the U.S. Justice Department and the C-D-C shows that the old fashioned kind of bullying hasn’t gone away. According to the report, more than one in five of our children is physically bullied by other kids.
Alison was bullied in middle school. “I’d be walking down the, walking down the hallway and they’d be like, ‘Alison, you can take your mask off, it’s not Halloween anymore.’ Or, ‘Alison, you’re so ugly, no guy would ever kiss you’,” she remembers.
Two students taunted Michelle in high school. “Her and this boy were calling me a fat a-s-s, and the boy finally said ‘man, fat people sure do stink’, and so I said well why don’t you take a bath?”
How do you help your child?
One answer is help them understand you can move on and find new friends. “It’s a big world out there… there’s not just one group of kids, there’s not just one girl who you need to be friends with,” explains Stacey DeWitt, President of Connect with Kids. “Your life doesn’t end if you move away from the group you’re having trouble with and make friends somewhere else.”
But what if a child is trapped on a school bus?
That’s where Russell was assaulted. “And umm, he might’ve punched me like fifteen or twenty times, and I got like, maybe punched him maybe once or twice, but not much,” says Russell.
“And he walked off [the bus] with big tears running down his face and I mean, it’s heartbreaking,” says Elizabeth Kendall, Russell’s Mother.
He told his mom that he was getting beaten on the ride home from school, “and at that point, she looked at her son and said ‘you know what, there are just some things, some problems that adults need to hand’,” says DeWitt.
If it’s violent, if it threatens your child’s well-being and self-confidence, DeWitt says parents may have to intervene. “That is my job as a parent, my job as a parent is to protect you physically and to protect you emotionally.”
The U.S. Department of Education (DOE) says that bullying – the act of threatening to hurt or frighten someone – may be physical, verbal, emotional or sexual in nature:
?Physical bullying includes punching, poking, strangling, hair pulling, beating, biting and excessive tickling.
?Verbal bullying includes such acts as hurtful name-calling, teasing and gossiping.
?Emotional bullying includes rejecting, terrorizing, extorting, defaming, humiliating, blackmailing, rating/ranking of personal characteristics – such as race, disability, ethnicity or perceived sexual orientation – manipulating friendships, isolating, ostracizing and peer pressure.
?Sexual bullying includes many of the actions listed above as well as exhibitionism, voyeurism, sexual propositioning, sexual harassment and abuse involving actual physical contact and sexual assault.
All of these types of bullying can interfere with students’ learning. The U.S. DOE cites these negative consequences that bullying victims often experience:
?Grades may suffer because attention is drawn away from learning.
?Fear may lead to absenteeism, truancy or dropping out.
?Victims may lose or fail to develop self-esteem, experience feelings of isolation and may become withdrawn and depressed.
?As students and later as adults, victims may be hesitant to take social, intellectual, emotional or vocational risks.
?If the problem persists, victims occasionally feel compelled to take drastic measures, such as vengeance in the form of fighting back, weapon-carrying or even suicide.
?Victims are more likely than non-victims to grow up being socially anxious and insecure, displaying more symptoms of depression than those who were not victimized as children.
In addition, bystanders and peers of victims can be negatively affected by acts of bullying:
?They may become afraid to associate with the victim for fear of lowering their own status or of retribution from the bully and becoming victims themselves.
?They may fear reporting bullying incidents because they do not want to be called a “snitch,” a “tattler” or an “informer.”
?Some experience feelings of guilt or helplessness for not standing up to the bully on behalf of their classmate.
?Many may be drawn into bullying behavior by group pressure.
?They may feel unsafe, unable to take action or a loss of control.
Even the bullies themselves can experience long-term outcomes from harassing others. The National Resource Center for Safe Schools (NRCSS) reports that bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely than non-bullies to be convicted of a crime by the time they reach age 24 and five times more likely to end up with serious criminal records by age 30.
Tips for Parents
If you suspect that your child is being bullied, you can help him or her in the following ways cited by the Committee for Children:
?Encourage your child to report bullying incidents to you. Validate your child’s feelings by letting him or her know that it is normal to feel hurt, sad, scared, angry, etc. Help your child be specific in describing bullying incidents – who, what, where and when.
?Ask your child how he or she has tried to stop the bullying. Coach him or her in possible coping methods – avoidance of the bully and making new friends for support.
?Treat the school as your ally. Share your child’s concerns and specific information around bullying incidents with appropriate school personnel. Work with school staff to protect your child from possible retaliation. Establish a plan with the school and your child for dealing with future bullying incidents. Volunteer time to help supervise on field trips, on the playground or in the lunchroom. And become an advocate for school-wide bullying prevention programs and policies.
?Encourage your child to continue to talk with you about all bullying incidents. Never ignore your child’s report. Remember that you should not advise your child to physically fight back. Bullying lasts longer and becomes more severe when children fight back, and physical injuries often result. Also, you should not confront the bullying child or his or her parents.
Unlike victims, bullies appear to suffer little anxiety and possess strong self-esteem, according to the NCRSS. They often come from homes where physical punishment is used and where children are taught to strike back physically as a way of handling problems. Bullies thus believe that it is all right for stronger children to hit weaker children. They frequently lack parental warmth and involvement and seem to desire power and control.
If you suspect that your child is bullying others, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) suggests you seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor or family physician. If the bullying continues, the AACAP advises you to arrange a comprehensive evaluation of your child by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional should be arranged.
The Coalition for Children says that you can also help your child by discussing with him or her these key points about bullying:
?Remind your child that bullying is not acceptable in your family or in society.
?Provide your child with alternatives to taking frustration or aggression out on others. You can even role-play different ways to behave in situations where your child would normally bully another.
?Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.
While bullying, harassment and teasing are unfortunate aspects of childhood, you can help minimize these occurrences by raising non-violent children. The American Academy of Pediatrics cites the following tips for curbing hurtful behavior in your child:
?Give your child consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is at risk for becoming hostile, difficult and hard to manage.
?Make sure your child is supervised. A child depends on his or her parents and family members for encouragement, protection and support as he or she learns to think for himself or herself. Without proper supervision, your child will not receive the guidance he or she needs. Studies report that unsupervised children often have behavior problems.
?Show your child appropriate behaviors by the way you act. Children often learn by example. The behavior, values and attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on them. Most children sometimes act aggressively and may hit another person. Be firm with your child about the possible dangers of violent behavior. Also remember to praise your child when he or she solves problems constructively without violence.
?Don’t hit your child. Hitting or slapping your child as punishment shows him or her that it’s OK to hit others to solve problems and can train him or her to punish others in the same way he or she were punished.
?Be consistent about rules and discipline. When you make a rule, stick to it. Your child needs structure with clear expectations for his or her behavior. Setting rules and then not enforcing them is confusing and sets up your child to “see what he or she can get away with.”
?Make sure your child does not have access to guns. Guns and children can be a deadly combination. Teach your child about the dangers of firearms or other weapons if you own and use them. If you keep a gun in your home, unload it and lock it up separately from the bullets. Don’t carry a gun or a weapon. If you do, this tells your child that using guns solves problems.
?Try to keep your child from seeing violence in the home or community. Violence in the home can be frightening and harmful to children. A child who has seen violence at home does not always become violent, but he or she may be more likely to try to resolve conflicts with violence.
?Try to keep your child from seeing too much violence in the media. Watching a lot of violence on television, in the movies and in video games can lead children to behave aggressively. As a parent, you can control the amount of violence your child sees in the media by limiting television viewing and previewing games, movies, etc., before allowing access to them by your child.
?Help your child stand up against violence. Support your child in standing up against violence. Teach him or her to respond with calm but firm words when others insult, threaten or hit another person. Help your child understand that it takes more courage and leadership to resist violence than to go along with it.
?American Academy of Pediatrics
?American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
?Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
?Coalition for Children
?Committee for Children
?Families and Work Institute
?National Resource Center for Safe Schools
?National School Safety Center
?U.S. Department of Education
?U.S. Department of Justice
Tags: Bullying, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: Stop School Violence – Learn about Bullying (15 year old boy burned by bullies)
by Sue Scheff on Oct 18, 2009
This week in Florida is another tragedy involving teens and school violence. BULLYING is a major issue and needs to be taken seriously. The recent incident in Deerfield Beach of the young boy that was bullied and burned by his classmates is nothing short of despicable. It was only a month ago we were all brought to tears by the death of the teen in a Coral Gables stabbing at school.
As a Parent Advocate, I cannot express enough that parents need to be educated on bullying and how dangerous this behavior is.
What happened to 15 year old Michael Brewer should be a wake-up call to all parents, educators, and everyone that works with children today. Do we really need these wake-up calls? We read about these horrific acts almost daily with kids, whether it is in Chicago or South Florida, these stories are in the news.
Help STOP BULLYING today! Be an educated parent, you will have a safer teen.
What is bullying?
Bullying is an aggressive behavior that is intentional and malicious. Bullying can be physical contact as well as verbal abuse. Many have heard the adage “Sticks and stone can break your bones, but word can never hurt.” That has been proven a wrong statement over and over, as words can devastate a young child and scar them emotionally for a long time.
To learn more about bullying visit the following websites and take the time to become familiar with the warning signs, tips, articles, as well as how you can be proactive in your community.
Stop Bullying Now – All about bullying, prevention, intervention and more. Take a stand, lend a hand.
STOMP OUT BULLYING – What you can do. PSA’s and more, take the pledge to stop bullying today.
Kids Health Today – Educational articles, tips and more about bullying and your children.
Love Our Children USA – Report bullying, child abuse and neglect; learn how to protect children today.
Education.com Bullying Series – Everything you need to know about bullying and more.
Isn’t it time we, as a community, we work together to put an end to bullying and school violence? Let it start at home, talk to your kids about these serious issues. Communication is the pathway to understanding the problem and working together to stop it!
For more info: Miami Herald, Associated Press, NBC Miami, LA Times, National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center, Parents Universal Resource Experts.
See more on Examiner.com.
Tags: Bullying, Child Abuse, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Stomp Out Bullying, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: School Violence, Parents take time to be educated
by Sue Scheff on Sep 17, 2009
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School violence hit Coral Gables, Florida yesterday in a horrific incident. A 17 year old student was stabbed to death in school. A young life tragically cut short.
What can we learn from this? Being a parent today is more challenging than generations prior. As parenting expert, Dr. Michele Borba stated on the Today Show, “June Cleaver didn’t have to worry about social networking, online safety, sexting or texting, Internet predators and so much more.” Which means parenting today has become more complex, however the good news is, the vast amount of resources has increased since the Cleaver’s were introduced to us.
Parents need to take the time to be educated and learn about some warning signs that their teen may be struggling. Keeping the lines of communication open with teens today can be very difficult; however we can never stop trying.
Here are some behaviors that parents need to be aware of:
• Is your teen becoming withdrawn? Not sharing as much as they used to?
• Is their peer group changing? Do you know their friends? Showing an interest in gangs?
• Are they spending a lot of time alone?
• Change in appetite?
• Signs of depression?
• Need for attention or low self-esteem?
• Accessibility to weapons?
• Is there violence in the home?
• Risky behavior? Using or experimenting with drugs?
• Is your teen stressed?
• Are they spending a lot of time online? Do you know what sites they are visiting?
Take the time to be an educated parent . This means you a prepared parent and can lead to safer teens. If your teen is not opening up to you, don’t hestitate to seek outside help with counselors. Communication is key! Visit these websites below and learn more about school violence today.
For more info: Parents Universal Resource Experts, APA Help Center, National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center, Teen Criminal Activity, Big Book of Parenting Solutions,Miami Herald, Teen Health.
Also seen on Examiner.com
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Violence
Sue Scheff: Tip Sheet for Today’s Teen Girl
by Sue Scheff on Sep 03, 2009
Source: Dove Self Esteem Fund
Every Parent’s Back-to-School Tip Sheet for Today’s Teen Girl
How to Avoid a Back-to-School Breakdown
1. Body Image Breakdown: When girls feel bad about their looks, more than 70%, ages 15-17,avoid normal daily activities such as attending school.
o TIP: Your daughter’s body image starts with you! Show her each and every day how great you feel about your body and your looks. That will begin to set the tone in teaching your daughter about appearance and what it means to be proud of who she is – inside and out. By not insisting your daughter looks a certain way — whether it is what she wears, how her hair looks or how she has to behave in what she is wearing — you will build the foundation for how she sees her body and the importance of how she looks.
2. Super Girl Syndrome: Girls may respond to the pressure around them from school, media, parents and peers by trying to do it ALL (look perfect, get good grades and have a busy social life), and do it all perfectly! Their quest for “Super Girl Status” can stress them out and cause their self-esteem to plummet.
o TIP: Encourage your daughter to find her favorite one or two activities and focus on doing them well rather than being the very best at everything. By honing in on activities/skills she can excel at, she will be able to better set realistic goals for herself and more easily recognize her accomplishments. Set an example for her by doing the same thing in your life.
3. Frenemies: Frenemies are defined as relationships in which girls behave as half friends and half enemies. This could mean your daughter is bullying or spreading rumors/secrets about her friends or having the same done to her. Self-esteem plays a crucial role in determining a girls’ tendency to engage in this type of behavior. In fact, 75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities, such as disordered eating, cutting, bullying, smoking, or drinking, when feeling badly about themselves.
o TIP: Talk to your daughter regularly and let her know you are aware of things that go on in school. If you suspect your daughter is bullying, tell her this is not acceptable behavior.
Help her learn other ways to deal with anger and frustration and help her understand how her actions have affected the person she has been picking on. If your daughter is the victim of a frenemy, make sure she understands it is not her fault. Talk about ways of responding to this – role play with her, acting out different scenarios she might encounter. Encourage her to walk away from a friendship that harms her and make other friends.
4. Clashing with Cliques: The teen years are an age when everyone is trying to define themselves and their independence. From jocks and geeks, to drama queens and cheerleaders, cliques are rampant in middle school and high school. Trying to fit in can be exhausting.
o TIP: Help your daughter recognize that being authentic is better than any label out there. Encourage her to embrace all different types of people and not to limit her friendships to just one group of peers. Expressing her own diversity in what she likes to do and who she likes to hang out with helps her remain well-balanced and true to herself.
5. Cyberbullying: The Internet has become an additional platform for the teasing and taunting of vulnerable girls. More than one in ten girls ages 8-17 have been bullied online.
o TIP: If you find your daughter is participating in cyberbullying (by bullying or being bullied) do not ignore it, thinking it is harmless. Talk to your daughter about how it feels to be on the receiving end and ask her what is making her do this. Bring the implications of this action to life. If you find your daughter is being victimized, let her know you understand it hurts.
Remind her that while she cannot always control what is said in school, she can control her reactions to it. Also, try not to overreact – your daughter may be afraid of involving you because she fears you will make things even worse.
6. Crush Crisis: Does he like me? Will he ask me to the dance? How can I get him to notice me? Having a crush can be so exciting, but also confusing and potentially heart-breaking.
o TIP: Remember how you felt when you had your first crush? Try not to minimize your daughter’s feelings. Instead, speak to her with compassion about her questions or uncertainties. Teach her about healthy romantic relationships, how to tell when someone is really into you and what to expect from them. When she tastes rejection for the first time, make sure you have extra hugs ready!
7. Sexual Pressure: One in ten teen girls were unable to say no when a boy asked them to do something that made them uncomfortable. In fact, girls with low self-esteem are four times morelikely to engage in activities with boys that they have ended up regretting later.
o TIP: Do not avoid “The Talk!” Have open and consistent conversations about sexual boundaries with your teenager. Use everyday media examples (her favorite TV show, a pop song on the radio) to discuss the pressure girls face to be sexually active. Let her know you will not judge her for the things she shares, but you are there to help her navigate through this tricky time.
8. Creative Communications: The top wish among all girls is for their parents to communicate better with them, which includes more frequent and more open conversations, as well as discussions about what is happening in their own lives.
o TIP: We all know getting your teen girl to open up to you can be like talking to a brick wall. Find ways to engage with your daughter such as doing an activity together (run a 5K or learnto knit). By participating in things you have in common, you may find that the conversations begin to flow more frequently.
9. Dating Violence: A shove, an angry text or a rude comment – young love may not always be innocent. Most violent relationships begin during the teen years. Verbal bullying, violent actions or emotional abuse are not ‘normal teen behaviors’ and should not be excused because the perpetrators or the victims are young and immature.
o TIP: First, make sure you understand the warning signs of dating violence. Then, use highprofile couples, like Rihanna and Chris Brown, to talk about what is going on in their relationship. Talk to your daughter about how she deserves to be treated in relationships.
Intervene upon the first sign of violence – do not wait. It is most important to model a healthy dynamic with your spouse/partner if you have one. If you have violence in your home, get help, talk about it and make sure you are doing what you can to break the cycle for your daughter.
10. Sexting: What used to be harmless flirting in the hallway now has a new edge. Teens are taking isks in their communication with the opposite sex by exploring their sexuality through ‘sexting.’ Both boys and girls are pushing sexual boundaries and hiding behind the two dimensional nature of a text message. While your daughter may think it is harmless fun, the consequences could stay with her forever, as pictures posted through texts have wound up on Web sites around the world.
o TIP: Talk to your daughter about the dangers of overstepping her own comfortable boundaries in a text message. Help her understand that while it may seem exciting, the consequences of her actions could be dangerous to her self-image, reputation and safety.
Encourage her to express herself verbally with her friends so she is not relying solely on a touchpad for communication. If you have concerns that she has been sexting already, it might be necessary to monitor her cell phone usage or take away the device all together.
To learn more visit http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com where you can download free self-esteem building tools for moms, mentors and daughters.
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Self Esteem
Sue Scheff: School starts and so does Bullying
by Sue Scheff on Aug 30, 2009
PRESS RELEASE
NEW YORK, August 24, 2009 Love Our Children USA announced today that bullying and teasing is at the top of kids’ issues at schools, and with school set to open in soon, parents, teachers and school administrators must take caution and sensitivity in handling these issues.
Childhood should be a time filled with wonder and joy, but the reality for many kids and teens is often much different. They’re the victims of bullying and cyber-bullying at school or on neighborhood playgrounds.
October 4 – 10th is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week. To observe the week, Love Our Children USA will speak at various schools about bullying, cyberbullying and preventing it.
To signify the importance of the week, Love Our Children USA created National Blue Shirt Day. Specifically on Monday, October 5th, the organization is asking kids, teens and adults to participate in national BLUE SHIRT DAY by wearing a blue shirt to STOMP Out Bullying.
They chose blue because in many diverse cultures blue brings peace. The color conveys importance and confidence.
On Monday, October 5th, Americans across the country will wear blue shirts as they make their way to school or to the office as a grassroots national campaign to STOMP Out Bullying.
Participation is expected from major cities and proclamations from leading politicians and civic leaders.
This day will be supported with a national media campaign.
Last October, the organization created STOMP Out Bullying. To date over 48,000 people have committed to STOMP Out Bullying.
Kids who are intimidated, threatened, or harmed by bullies often experience low self-esteem and depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors. Some kids are so traumatized by being bullied, that they contemplate suicide. Bullies often have been the victims of bullying or other mistreatment themselves.
Ross Ellis, Love Our Children USA Founder and Chief Executive Officer remembers only too well what it is like to be bullied. Today it’s a regular occurrence in schools starting as early as kindergarten. It’s not a right of passage as some may think. It’s a crisis. And many kids have committed suicide because the taunting was so torturous.
Bullying can be so painful and clearly has played a role in recent school shootings across the country. While boys are more physical, girls use weapons, exclusion, slander, rumors and gossip.
And beware of cyberbullying which is on the rise. This social online cruelty is used in the forms of e-mail, cell phone; pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, and defamatory online personal polling Web sites, deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior, and is used by an individual or group — intended to harm others – especially amongst our youth.
While most kids use the Internet for friendly interactions, more and more kids are using these communication tools to antagonize, terrorize and intimidate others.
Ellis said “parents must keep open communication with their children. Look for signs. And school administrators can no longer sweep the issue under the rug. Students should be educated about the harmful effects of bullying. Many schools are sweeping the issue under the rug. Every school should declare No Bullying Policy and enforce it.”
Ross Ellis suggests that schools set up a web site where kids can anonymously report the person who is bullying them. That way victims can feel safe in making the report and the school can deal with the bully.
Recent Statistics Show:
• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some “Bullying.”
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the information to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who’s capable of murder.
• Playground statistics – Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention -4% Peer intervention – 11%. No intervention – 85%.
Ellis said “helping your children cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child’s school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child’s school or in your community.”
Bullying is a form of child abuse and bullies are very likely to grow up as an adult who abuses children.
More information about bullying and how to help your children and students can be found at
www.stompoutbullying.org
About Love Our Children USA
Since 1999, Love Our Children USA has paved the way as the national nonprofit leader that honors, respects and protects children. Its mission is to break the cycle of violence against children. Love Our Children USA has become ‘the go-to’ prevention organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children in the U.S. It works to eliminate behaviors that keep children from reaching their potential. It redefines parenting and creates kid success by promoting prevention strategies and positive changes in parenting and family attitudes and behaviors through public education. It works to empower and support children, teens, parents and families through information, resources, advocacy, and online youth mentoring. Its goal is to keep children safe and strengthen families — Its message is positive … one of prevention and hope.
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Contact: Media Relations
1.888.347.KIDS (5437) / 212.629.2099
Follow Love Our Children USA on Twitter @ProtectChildren
Tags: Bullying, Cyberbullying, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Resources, Stomp Out Bullying, Sue Scheff
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