Teen Angry: Reasons It Can Escalate
by Sue Scheff on Feb 03, 2012
Speaking with parents on a daily basis, I hear a lot about how teens can go into a rage, especially when they don’t get what they want. It seems family values and respect for parents and authority has diminished in today’s generation. I am not talking about all families, but many that I speak with, they don’t understand where there once happy toddler went.
Here is a good guest post with five possible reason that can cause teen anger:
5 Ways to Make Your Teenager Angry
Any parent of a teenager knows that one of the main emotions associated with that age is, you guessed it, anger. In fact, most people simply refer to their teenager as an “angry teen” and write off those emotions as a simple fact of life during that age. While this is definitely true, it is also imperative to treat your teen with as much care and respect as you would any other loved one, even if they treat you with the opposite of care and respect, at times. As a parent, you can’t write off your teen’s anger. In fact, if you’re not careful, you run the risk of making them seriously angry at you, rather than simply angry at the world. Here’s how:
1. Don’t Listen to What They Have to Say
One of the most important things to do while your kids are teenagers is to try to foster and maintain communication. Even if your teen would rather walk home in the snow than talk to you about his day, you have to take advantage of any communication you can get. And, most importantly, when you do get the opportunity to communicate, focus less on what you would like to say to them and more on what they have to say to you. You could be so occupied with worrying about the next thing you think you should tell them that you can miss hugely important clues about your teens life and how he or she is feeling.
2. Tell Them They Are Just Being a Teen
Talk about being written off! And at the absolute worst time in life to feel that way, no less. Never, ever make the mistake of treating your teen like their opinions or emotions are invalid simply because they are going through their “teens.” There is nothing that will push your child away faster or make them feel more annoyed and insulted.
3. Don’t Practice What You Preach
You may feel like you can relax a little once your kids are grown up, without the worry of them repeating things they shouldn’t say or copying behaviors they shouldn’t be copying. It’s easy to feel like you can cut back on trying to provide an example. But, even if it doesn’t feel like it, your teen is still watching you and emulating your behavior. If you are constantly lecturing them about following through on their homework, you better take the trash out if that is one of your family chores or remove foul language from your vocabulary if you expect the same from them. If you are going to ask your teen to follow through on things they say they will do, you absolutely must set that example.
4. Make Them Feel Isolated
When your teen suddenly prefers to lock herself in her room, music blaring, rather than hang out with the family, it can be easy to just leave them alone up there and not bother. Once invitations have been rejected so many times, you can begin to feel like it would be better to stop bothering them altogether. However, your teen still needs to feel like a relevant and important member of the family, or else you run the risk of creating a feeling of isolation that could continue into the later teen years.
5. Don’t Prepare Them for Plans
This is another area where parents sometimes feel that it’s better to stay away than address an issue or upcoming plan with their teen. Things like letting them know that you will be going out of town in two weeks, or that you want to have a family movie night on Friday, are simple to throw on your teen last minute, especially when they act like they could care less. The truth is, in the moment, they probably don’t care. But that doesn’t mean that you should surprise them by springing plans on them last minute. Sometimes teens, just like anyone else, need a little time to mentally prepare for upcoming events, and being forced to do something without warning is a surefire recipe for a breakdown.
Byline:
This is a guest post by Kimberly Wilson. Kimberly is from accredited online colleges, she writes on topics including career, education, student life, college life, home improvement, time management etc.
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Tags: anger, Difficult Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Struggling Teens, Teen Anger, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Rage
Problem Teens, Teen Help and Parents Searching the Internet
by Sue Scheff on Jan 09, 2012
When is enough - enough?
Second semester. Some teens have had enough. They don’t want to go to school anymore. They believe they know it all. It is easier to get a GED, after all, some of their so-called friend are doing it!
Your once happy, bouncing toddler that strolled into kindergarten, brought that artwork home for your refrigerator, and may have end participated in the school plays has now decided that hanging out with a new group of peers that are less than what you would have selected for them, is their thing….
As much as you are trying to ignore or just say it is a phase, you notice your teen is withdrawing from the family, failing in school, smell alcohol, maybe even marijuana, cigarettes, and overall have become a child you no longer recognize with a personality that is defiant and totally disrespectful the the family boundaries – what do you do?
Most parents try local therapy – which is a great first step, but when happens when therapy doesn’t work? You can’t be afraid to take that next step! A parent in a denial only harms your teenager. Don’t be held hostage in your home by your teen’s behavior.
Sending a child to a residential program/school is a major decision. It is not one to be taken lightly or to be decided on overnight.
Usually a teen’s behavior has been slowly escalating and a parent knows that deep down things are not getting better. As much as you hope and pray that things will change, this is only typical teen behavior, sometimes it just isn’t.
With drug use and substance abuse rising – more dangerous and deadly ingredients being used, such as spice and inhalants, parents have reason to be concerned. It isn’t your marijuana of generations prior – it is so much worse and in many cases – addictive and deadly.
If you have reached your wit’s end and now surfing the Internet for help, remember, anyone can build a website. Anyone can put up nice pictures and create great content. You need to do your due diligence.
Years ago I struggled with my own teenager. I was at my wit’s end. I didn’t realize what a big business this “teen help industry” was. Yes, my child needed help, but what we received was anything but that. My story is a cautionary tale – not one to scare you into not using a program, however on the contrary, you have to get your child help, but you have to do your research in getting them the right help.
You can do it without spending thousands!
Here are some quick tips:
- Your child is not for sale, try to avoid those marketing arms selling you a list of programs that are not in the best interest of your child’s individual needs.
- Always speak with an owner or director – Someone that has a vested in your teen’s recovery. Their reputation is on the line.
- Wilderness and other short term programs are usually nothing more than a band-aid that will fall off as quickly as the program lasted. They are expensive camping trips and in most cases the Wilderness program will tell you at about 4 weeks that your teen will need to continue on to a longer term program. What? Yes, now you go back to the research board and worse than that, your teen will be deflated when he finds out he/she isn’t coming home in 6-9 weeks as they were lead to believe – and they will be starting all over again with a new therapist – new schedule – and new setting. Don’t get caught up in this “shuffle.” Start and finish with the same school/program.
- The average stay should be about 6-9-12 months, depending on your teen. Anything less is probably non-effective. Anything more, you may be creating abandonment issues in my opinion.
- Do you really need an Educational Consultant? Absolutely not. You are the parent and no one knows your teen better than you do – with a few tips, you will be able to make some sound choices.
For more helpful hint and tips, please contact www.HelpYourTeens.com for a free consultation. After the ordeal I went through, I created this advocacy organization to help educate parents on finding safe and quality programs.
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Boarding Schools, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Educational Consultants, Entitlement Issues, good kids bad choices, High School Dropouts, IECA, NATSAP, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Residential Treatment Centers, Struggling Teens, Teen Help, Therapeutic Boarding Schools, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Struggling Teens, Defiant Teens, Teen Help, Troubled Teens, Tough Love – Parenting At-Risk Teens
by Sue Scheff on Aug 05, 2010
- Defiance
- Drugs
- Drinking
- Disrepect
- Sneaking out (Runaways)
- Failing (High School dropouts)
- Highly intelligent yet underachieving
- Entitlement issues
- Peer Pressure
- PARENTING
Obviously this list could go on and on as more and more teenagers are engaging in harmful or dangerous activities.
What happened to respecting authority? What happened to respecting your parents? What happened to graduating high school?
For those parents that are not dealing with a teen with any of the above issues, congratulations and please share your success in our comments section below. For others, read on.
Is your teen reaching a level that he/she are out-of-control? Going down a negative path with only a few years left of high school? Do you fear for their future if they continue down this road?
Typical teenage behavior, which much of it can be, however what happens when this typical behavior lands them in juvie? Or in the hospital with an overdose?
Most have tried therapists. Most have even tried out-patient programs. Some have tried sending their teen to a relatives to live. What happens when these attempts fail?
For many, it is time for residential therapy. Now you really need to be engaged, do your homework and be extremely cautious. The world of teen-help is a big business and they are waiting for parents that are at their wit’s end to call!
There are many good programs in our country. The most important decision you will make is choosing the right one for your child. Don’t rely on marketing arms, toll-free numbers, and spams of email promises. Do your due diligence and work through this process in the best interest of your family.
Visit www.helpyourteens.com for helpful hints and tips for finding what is best for your family. Remember, if you are on the East Coast (Florida or other states), just because the Internet seems to continue to point you to the West Coast, there are programs on the East Coast that are extremely high quality – and some of the best. Although you don’t want the school/program in your backyard, you also don’t want to be so far away that visiting them would be difficult.
For more detailed information pick up Wit’s End: Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen – it could save your teenager today! By visiting Parents’ Universal Resource Experts (PURE) you can receive a free chapter here. World renown Parenting Expert and TODAY Show Contributor, Dr. Michele Borba, wrote recently about PURE and Wit’s End, click here.
Remember, be a parent first – friendship will come in time. This is not about shipping your teen off, it is about giving them a second opportunity at a bright future!
Parents’ Universal Resource Experts (PURE) is a Member of the Better Business Bureau.
For over a decade, PURE has helped thousands of families!
Read more and watch slideshow.
Sue Scheff: Wilderness Programs, Boot Camps or Jail – Are they an answer to Out-of-Conrol Teens? NO!
by Sue Scheff on Jul 21, 2010
You have a teen that is driving you crazy. You have a teen that is experimenting, if not using drugs on a regular basis. You have teen that has changed peer groups – and not for the better. You have a teen that has disengaged from the family. You have a teen that is defiant, belligerent and can become violent. You have a teen that doesn’t appreciate all they have and all you have sacrificed for them? You are at your wit’s end!
Is it time to have an intervention? What is best to insure that your teen gets back on a positive road to have that bright future you always wanted for them?
Let’s review some choices to get help:
Wilderness Therapeutic Programs: Short term program, short term results, usually zero academics, extremely expensive and as many teens state they have great experiences, it is usually never enough to make lasting positive changes.
- The concept: Remove the kids from their comforts of home. Get them to reflect on themselves from within.
- Thought: Wouldn’t it be wise to find one program that offers a well-rounded program including removing them from their comforts of home, offering them an education as well as encouraging them through enrichment programs?
Boot Camps: Thankfully many have been closed in the state of Florida. This in and of itself speaks volumes. As parents see it as a way to punish their kids for their negative behavior, using punitive and primitive measures may cause more anger and resentment toward the person that placed them there.
- The concept: Teach your child a lesson, and hope they learn to appreciate and respect you.
- Thought: Again, finding a sound program that offers positive enrichment, academics as well as trained personal to help determine where the negative behavior is stemming from.
Jail: Is this ever a good option? Not really, and although juvenile records are sealed, according to law enforcement, what happens when your teen applies for a job in their 20′s and that record, although it doesn’t state the charges, but is pinged by your teen being finger printed? Did you consider the friends your teen will make in jail?
- The Concept: Show your teen the consequences of breaking the law. Hopefully scaring them straight so they turn around their behavior.
- Thought: Get your teen the right help that instills positive reinforcement, continuing education and work on family conflict with an outside counselor.
Residential Therapy: Finally, a way to address negative behavior in a positive direction. Our teens need consistency in treatment. Starting and finishing with the same therapist, structure and program that builds your teen back up to making the better choices. Some parents are being convinced that using a short term program such as Wilderness Programs will prepare them for a residential program, however if you find the right program from the start, it serves the same purpose as a Wilderness Program (of course saving about $10K-20K at the same time). Choosing a residential therapy program does remove your child from their comforts of their home. It also gives them an opportunity to reflect and get back to basics.
- Concept: It took longer than 6-8 weeks to get to the place your teen is at, it will take at least 6-9 months to get your child back.
- Thought: Take your time and find the best program for you and your family both emotionally and financially. Consider that short term programs are like band-aids – they do peal off fairly quickly.
With Lindsay Lohan at 24 years old going to jail, it will serve to sober her up, however the rehab is what will help her to remain sober. Sadly, this may all be a moot point since at 24 years old, she is considered an adult and can just go through the motions – after all, she is court appointed.
Don’t wait for your teen to be over 18, get them help while you still have the ability and control.
For more information, visit www.helpyourteens.com. In Broward, Dade and Palm Beach County there is also The Children’s Trust that has local resources.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Boot Camps, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Troubled Teens, Wilderness Programs, Wits End
Sue Scheff: Teach Teen Anger Management
by Sue Scheff on Jan 29, 2010
“I don’t care what you say I am doing what I want to do! I hate you and you just don’t want me to have fun!”
“All my friends are allowed to stay out late; you are mean and want to ruin my life!”
“You have no idea how I feel and you are only making it worse!”
When a difficult teen is out of control, they only can hear themselves and what they want. It is usually their way or no way! There are so many factors that can contribute to these feelings. The feelings are very real and should be addressed as soon as you see that your child is starting to run the household. Teen anger may lead to teen rage and teen violence which can soon destroy a family.
A local therapist can help your family diagnosis what is causing the negative behavior patterns. Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is some of the many causes to this harmful and stressful behavior. Many times you will find a need for a positive and safe program either local or outside your home are that can help determine where these hurtful outbursts are stemming from.
As difficult as this may seem, it is important that as your teen is expressing these feeling of anger and rage, that you as the parent learn to control your emotions. You don’t want to fuel it or feed it which can potentially enrage it.
Here are some tips for parents to learn to help manage their stress level as their teens is spiraling out of control:
- Take a ‘timeout.‘ Although it may seem cliché, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
- Get some space. Take a break from the person you’re angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
- Once you’re calm, express your anger. It’s healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
- Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
- Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you’re likely to say something you’ll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you’re angry, it’s easy to get sidetracked.
- Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
- Use ‘I’ statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful – and increase tension. For instance, say, “I’m upset you didn’t help with the housework this evening,” instead of, “You should have helped with the housework.”
- Don’t hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
- Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don’t use sarcasm, though – it’s can hurt feelings and make things worse.
- Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as “Take it easy.” Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.
These tips from the Mayo Clinic can also be helpful to your teens. It could benefit you to sit down with your teens and talk about controlling rage and anger before it escalates to the boiling over point.
Be an educated parent, you will have safer and healthier teens.
Read more on Examiner.
Tags: Anger Management, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Sue Scheff, Teen Anger, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Rage
Sue Scheff: Canine Therapy and Struggling Teens – Meet Maggie, a Dog that Changed Lives
by Sue Scheff on Jan 04, 2010
Family Nurse Practitioner turned writer, Dawn Kairns, has been published in nursing journals and American Fitness Magazine. With the release of her first book, Dawn is bringing an awareness to animal rescue groups and other organizations that benefit animals.
Dawn’s goal is to donate portions of book proceeds from Maggie: The Dog Who Changed My Life, released in July, 2008 to animal rescue groups. Her goal is also to reach those grieving from the loss of their pets to offer them support (through her book) in their time of grief.
Currently Dawn is working with high risk teens at a local juvenile center. She brings her therapy dog which is making a huge difference in the lives of these struggling teenagers. Read about her recent visit to the juvenile center on her Blog: Adventures in the Life of A Therapy Dog.
Many teen help programs and schools incorporate both equine therapy (horses) and canine therapy (dogs) with troubled teens. Animals help these kids understand unconditional love and build their self esteem with their ability to help train the animals through nurturing, patience, responsibility, accountability and understanding. Even more importantly, they can help with anger and stress management, which many of these at risk teens are suffering with.
Visit www.dawnkairns.com for more information.
Excerpt from Maggie: The Dog Who Changed My Life
Once in every dog lover’s life, if you’re lucky, that special once-in-a-lifetime dog comes along. You know this relationship is golden, a gift from the spirit world. You have found a soul mate. Animal and human spirits are inextricably intertwined, and you know there will never be another dog that comes close to the presence of this one and the bond that you share. For me, Maggie is that dog.
When Maggie and I are out hiking, running errands, or just hanging out being “girlfriends,” I meet several people who have loved and lost such powerful relationships with their canine companions. They recognize that magic between Maggie and me, for once you experience it with your dog, you can’t miss it when it appears before you. I see the longing in their eyes, the painful missing, and the ache of irreplaceable loss….. read full excerpt here.
Also on Examiner.com
Tags: At Risk Teens, Canine Therapy, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: Teen Suicide
by Sue Scheff on Oct 23, 2009
This is not a subject many people are comfortable with, however critical that parents understand that it is very real. Recently I wrote an article on Examiner about Teenage Suicide and stressed that parents become educated on the warning signs and statistics. Take the time to be an educated parent – you will have a safe teen. Don’t be in denial, this is a serious and growing concern. Also visit Florida Initiative For Suicide Prevention founded by Jackie Rosen.
Source: Connect with Kids
Teen Suicide
“There’s a myth out there that if you talk about it, then you aren’t going to do it. Well that isn’t true. If you talk about it, usually it’s a cry for help.”
– Catherine Marnell, a high school counselor
This year an estimated 5 thousand young people in the U.S. will take their own life. And studies show that for every one suicide, there are nearly 200 teens who try to die and fail. That translates into one million kids who are experiencing serious psychological pain. But there are ways that parents, teachers and even other students can help.
At one area high school, the first line of defense against conflict and depression are the 25 student members of the Peer Helpers program. They talk about all kinds of issues affecting teens today, including youth suicide prevention.
“I’ve known three people [who've] committed suicide,” says Shalisha, 17.
“I had a best friend who tried to commit suicide. I’ve known her since kindergarten, but I never saw anything because she never really said anything about it,” 16-year-old Karina says.
“I’ve had three or four people I know kill themselves and about two attempt it – just one in the past week,” says Alexis, 16. “It’s sad. It’s unfathomable.”
Each year, 16 percent of teens seriously consider suicide. Another eight percent actually attempt to take their own life. It is the third leading cause of death among young people.
“We need to reach out and help these kids who are hurting,” says Catherine Marnell, a school counselor who runs the Peer Helpers program. She says parents should act whenever there are signs of depression. Marnell advises parents not to minimize their child’s pain or assume it’s not real.
“They’ll say, ‘Oh, no, my kid is just having a bad day.’ And I think parents tend to want to believe that everything is going to be OK, when they need to instead seek professional intervention,” Marnell says.
Like their parents, students can help their peers by recognizing the signs of a suicidal teen.
“My friends would give stuff away, they would tell me that they’re not happy. They’d tell me flat out that they’re gonna to try to commit suicide,” Alexis says.
“We try to kinda be a lifeline throughout the school,” 16-year-old Brandon says. “We want to let everybody know that they can come and talk to us whenever they need to.”
Some teenagers feel so overwhelmed with what they are experiencing that they believe their only escape is through suicide. Many parents and friends may not know there is a problem, however, until it is already too late. The risk of suicide may become evident to others if they know the warning signs of suicide. They include:
- Suicide notes
- Extreme depression
- Previous suicide attempts
- Drastic changes in mood, behaviors or tendencies
- References to death or dying
- Extremely risky behavior
- Giving away meaningful possessions
Tips for Parents
Intervention may be the best way to prevent suicide. If your child suspects a friend of having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, share with them the following options, developed by the National Association of School Psychologists.
- Know the warning signs! Read over the list above and keep it in a safe place.
- Do not be afraid to talk to your friends. Listen to their feelings. Make sure they know how important they are to you, but don’t believe you can keep them from hurting themselves on your own. Preventing suicide will require adult help.
- Make no deals. Never keep secret a friend’s suicidal plans or thoughts. You cannot promise that you will not tell – you have to tell to save your friend.
- Tell an adult. Talk to your parent, your friend’s parent, your school’s psychologist or counselor – a trusted adult. And don’t wait. Don’t be afraid that the adults will not believe you or take you seriously – keep talking until they listen. Even if you are not sure your friend is suicidal, talk to someone. It’s okay if you “jump the gun” – this is definitely the time to be safe and not sorry.
- Ask if your school has a crisis team. Many schools have organized crisis teams, which include teachers, counselors, social workers, psychologists and principals. These teams help train all staff to recognize warning signs of suicide, as well as how to help in a crisis situation. These teams can also help students understand warning signs of violence and suicide. If your school does not have a crisis team, ask your student council or faculty advisor to look into starting a team.
If you suspect your child of considering suicide, be sure to act quickly and take it seriously. Many times, the main factor leading kids to consider suicide is depression. If you suspect your child is struggling with depression, consider sharing with him/her the following suggestions, created by Teen Contact.
- Get help. Talk to someone that can help you get the help you need. Depression is a serious condition.
- Be active. Exercise daily and be around people. Don’t isolate yourself.
- Monitor your eating habits and make sure you’re eating a healthy diet.
- Consult a doctor.
- Don’t make any big decisions while you are depressed. You’re probably not thinking clearly. Also, don’t accept any additional responsibility while you are feeling depressed. Keep your tasks manageable.
- Change takes time. It probably took you a while to get depressed, so realize that it will probably take a while to feel better.
- Start using positive thinking and positive self-talk with yourself. Negative thinking plays a big part in depression. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, turn it around. This takes practice, but keep it up.
- Do some volunteer work. Helping others can help you, too.
References
- National Association of School Psychologists
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
- Center for Education, Treatment and Prevention of Addiction
Visit my Teen Suicide Information Website.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Suicide, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: Teen Truth Live – Teen Bullying, Peer Pressure, Body Image and more
by Sue Scheff on Aug 12, 2009
Recently I received an email introducing me to TEEN TRUTH LIVE films.
As school is opening, I encourage parents, teens, teachers, guidance counselors, therapist and everyone that works with today’s teens to watch these films.
They cover teen drug abuse, bullying, teen body image, peer pressure and much more. An education that everyone can benefit from.
About Teen Truth Live:
Tags: Bullying, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Body Image, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: Angry Teens – and Parenting Tips
by Sue Scheff on Aug 07, 2009
A very common thread I hear from parents of teenagers is that their teen is displaying rage, anger and other outbursts of negative behavior. Whether it is not getting their own way, or another personal issue, parents need to be prepared and attempt to find out where this anger is coming from. Here are some great parenting tips from Connect with Kids.
Source: Connect with Kids
“I think it’s a combination of the adolescent testing boundaries and trying to be more independent and having a whole lot of emotions in them that they don’t know how to control.”
– Nancy McGarrah, Ph.D., Psychologist
They throw a fit when they don’t get their way. They scream and slam doors. They wage a war of words with their parents. For some kids, adolescence is a time of emotional upheaval. But experts say how parents handle it can help or make matters a lot worse.
“Pretty much the rebellion stage started kicking in right about age 12,” says 15-year-old Kim.
Kim’s father, Jim, said that she had been a happy, delightful child, but then “her moods became really dark. She became very angry.”
“If I didn’t get my way, I was a banshee,” adds Kim. “I really was.”
And sometimes, the fights over schoolwork, friends and daily chores turned violent.
“I threw a ceramic-potted Christmas tree at my dad’s head,” says Kim, describing one of her outbursts, “…and luckily it missed him because I don’t know what I’d do if I had injured my dad.”
Some experts call it the “terrible teens.”
“They hit 12 or 13, and parents will co me into me and say, ‘My adorable 12-year-old is now a screaming, shrieking 13-year-old’,” says Dr. Nancy McGarrah, an adolescent psychologist.
Experts say it’s a common problem, and many parents make a common mistake – they give in.
“Most parents are real scared about adolescence,” says Dr. McGarrah. “They don’t know how strong to be with them. They try to avoid conflict.”
And when a yelling teen gets their way, their bad behavior is rewarded.
“So they keep pushing and pushing and pushing those boundaries,” says Dr. McGarrah.
Experts say the solution is seemingly simple. Parents have to be clear about rules and stick to them, no matter how much screaming and resistance they get.
“The hard part is following through because it’s exhausting,” says Dr. McGarrah.
It’s hard, but eventually a child will learn what Kim has – yelling isn’t the way to get what she wants. Doing well in school, doing her chores and being respectful, however, is.
“I like to think of myself as a very nice person, a very giving person,” she says. “Back then, I was loud, rude.
I was actually kind of evil.”
Tips for Parents
The American Psychological Association says that anger is a normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to violent outcomes. Many teens today have a difficult time keeping their anger under control, as evidenced by the following data:
- According to SafeYouth.com more than 1 in 3 high school students, both male and female, have been involved in a physical fight. 1 in 9 of those students have been injured badly enough to need medical treatment.
- The 2002 National Gang Trends Survey (NGTS) stated that there are more than 24,500 different street gangs in the United States alone. More than 772,500 of the members of these gangs are teens and young adults.
- The 2002 NGTS also showed that teens and young adults involved in gang activity are 60 times more likely to be killed than the rest of the American population.
- A 2001 report released by the U.S. Department of Justice claims that 20 out of 1000 women ages 16 to 24 will experience a sexual assault while on a date. And that 68% of all rape victims know their attackers.
- The U.S. Justice report also stated that 1 in 3 teens, both male and female, have experienced some sort of violent behavior from a dating partner.
Anger creates physical changes that both teens and parents need to recognize: increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, soaring adrenaline levels. Once these changes occur, along with the thoughts that fuel the anger, the emotion can be hurtful. Provena Mercy Center cites the following warning signs indicating that your teen’s anger is unhealthy:
- A frequent loss of temper at the slightest provocation
- Brooding isolation from family and friends
- Damage to one’s body or property
- A need to exact revenge on others
- Decreased involvement in social activities
If you believe your teen has a problem with anger, you can help him or her develop positive conflict resolution techniques. The University of Michigan Health System (UMHS) explains that teaching children strategies for dealing with their anger can be difficult, because you don’t know when your child will get angry again. To help, use the time between angry outbursts to discuss your child’s anger, and practice how to deal with it. The UMHS outlines the following strategies for teaching your child anger management:
- Practice a substitute behavior. You and your child should develop a substitute behavior to use when he or she is about to get angry. Some ideas include breathing methods, counting backward or visualizing a peaceful scene or a stop sign.
- Reward. Sit down with your child and figure out some rewards that he or she can earn by practicing the exercises (on a daily basis), and when he or she uses the exercises when frustrated or angry. Don’t skip the rewards – they are essential to the success of anger management in children.
- Give examples. Think of times when you deal effectively with your own stress and point these out, very briefly, to your child. Also, share your coping strategies with your child as examples of how he/she might handle a similar situation. It is important for your child to see you successfully deal with your own anger.
- Encourage using the exercises. When your child starts to get upset, briefly encourage him or her to practice the substitute behavior. Only prompt your child once. Do not continue to nag him/her about using the exercises.
- Avoid arguments but do discipline consistently. Avoid arguing with your child. Everybody loses when a confrontation occurs. You need to set a good example and deal with your child in a quiet, matter-of-fact manner.
The Nemours Foundation reports that teens often require specific coping strategies that are less formal than behavior modification. Have your teen try the following tips next time he/she begins to lose his/her temper:
- Listen to music with your headphones on and put your “anger energy” into dancing.
- Write it down in any form – poetry or journal entries, for example.
- Draw it – scribble, doodle or sketch your angry feelings using strong colors and lines.
- Run, play a sport or work out. You’ll be amazed at how physical activity helps work out the anger.
- Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you do it regularly, not when you’re actually having a meltdown. Meditation is a stress management technique that can help you gain self-control and not blow a fuse when you’re mad.
- Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Many times, other feelings – such as fear or sadness — lie beneath the anger. Talking about these feelings can help.
- Distract yourself so you can get your mind past what’s bugging you. Watch television, read or go to the movies instead of stewing for hours about something.
Parents who teach anger-management strategies and encourage non-aggressive conflict-resolution techniques early on may find the teenage years less challenging. If your child has long-lasting feelings of anger or is unable to adopt coping strategies, seek medical assistance and treatment.
References
- American Psychological Association
- National Center for Education Statistics
- Nemours Foundation
- Provena Mercy Center
- University of Michigan Health System
- U.S. Department of Education
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Anger, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Rage, Troubled Teens
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