Sue Scheff: Mean Girls Online
by Sue Scheff on Feb 05, 2010
Jane Balvanz an educator and a Female Friend Expert, she recently wrote an extremely timely and important article about raising our girls today. Parenting today’s teens and tweens can be challenging and with the added stress of the Internet and cyberbullying, it can be downright impossible to keep up with.
Do mean girls grow up to be mean women? Jane Balvanz asked this question and has some great insights. Life is about change, as parents we need to guide our daughters and help them to understand that being mean is not cool.
Relational Aggression in Women: What Are We Teaching Our Girls Online?
By Jane Balvanz
A two-year-old child died recently. He drowned in a swimming pool, a parent’s true nightmare. Controversy immediately arose online, because the child’s mother tweeted the accident and eventually announced his death. Her Twitter timeline showed she had been tweeting most of the day.
In reaction, online moms tweeted support and made suggestions about fundraising for the bereaved family. Others questioned the validity of the death before it was confirmed and cautioned about sending money in case it might be a hoax. Once the death was verified, two clear factions formed. One supported the grieving mother and her choice of tweeting shortly before and after her son’s death. The other questioned the mother’s parenting abilities, suggesting her attention to Twitter led to her son’s death. It devolved from there and went viral. Words became weapons.
Passion and Drama in 140 Characters or Less
The Internet is a wonderful tool that offers ways to give and receive information in a heartbeat. It can also be used to extend help or inflict hurt. In this case, relational aggression (emotional bullying) started within seconds of a mom announcing her child fell into a pool. Twitter is fast. Information flies as rapidly as you can type 140 characters and press send. Even though many heads of reason and compassion were part of this situation, passion and drama took over. Incivility prevailed.
There were tweeted threats (some serious), name-calling, campaigns, taunting, and cyber defaming. National news took notice and various blogs called the participants “mean girls.” These weren’t girls, though. They were grown women.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
Visit www.awaythrough.com for more information on female friendships.
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Tags: Bullying, Mean Girls, Parenting Girls, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing
Sue Scheff: Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
by Sue Scheff on Feb 03, 2010
Part 2 with guest Jane Balvanz, educator and Female Friend Expert.
If you missed part 1, go back.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
I want to answer that question with a resounding, “No,” but I can’t. I can’t answer it affirmatively, either. We humans all try on the roles of Bully, Bystander, and Target like costumes at some point in our lives. We decide what serves us best. No one wants to think herself or himself a bully; some of us are, though. A plethora of literature exists telling us how to deal with adult bullies: bully bosses, difficult people, and abusive partners.
Children Live What They Learn (and They Know More Than We Think)
Adults play a huge role in children’s lives, and parents are their most important teachers. Children absorb the parts of us we’re proud of as well as the parts we wish not to reveal. If any girls were watching this Twitter war (and I bet some were), they would have witnessed prime examples of grownups bullying.
When we teach our girls to display a certain level of human respect and kindness but don’t practice what we preach, they become confused. What if our kids don’t actually see us acting incongruous to what we expect from them? They intuit it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in over twenty-five years of working with kids, it’s that they see and hear more than we think. If we live hypocritically, they eventually figure it out.
What Example Do You Want to Set?
As parents or individuals who work with girls, we have to live what we want them to learn. We need to be authentic and demonstrate respect for others. If we want to help our girls avoid earning the label of “mean girl,” we need to lead by example. Here are five basic tips for parents and other adults who influence children to keep in mind online or in real life (IRL).
- Avoid character assassinations. Speak or write of behaviors you find objectionable rather than people you don’t like.
- Watch what you write online. It may be your blog or your tweets, but making disparaging remarks about others is bullying. Sometimes little girls petulantly say, “It’s my house, and I can do what I want.” We know that tends to be a precursor to upcoming bullying behavior. Some bloggers write, “It’s my blog, and I can say what I want.” They’re right. They can say what they like. Anyone can say what they want when they want, and bullying is still bullying.
- Think before you speak or write. If you can’t say something positive about others, keep quiet and think about it. Think for a long, long time. Keep thinking.
- Think of your words as toothpaste. Once you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, it’s out. There’s no getting it back in. The same can be said about words – once out they can’t be unsaid. Once they’re online, they’re permanent.
- Apologize when you mess up. We’ve all said or written things we regret. Girls need to see adults own up to their mistakes. It helps them realize we all make mistakes and are accountable for them online and off. Do what you can to mend the situation.
- Imagine your legacy. Test your words to see if they represent how you want to be defined. If your words would land you in the principal’s office as a kid, posting them online will probably earn you the reputation of Bully or Trash Talker rather the Speaker of Truth or Defender of the First Amendment. How do you want to be remembered?
Thanks to Jane for permission to share this valuable article and information. Learn more about Female Friendships at www.awaythrough.com.
Did you miss part 1? Go back. <<<<
Be an educated parent, you will have safer teens!
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Tags: Bullying, Mean Girls, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Bullying and Girls – Learn more, be an educated parent
by Sue Scheff on Nov 04, 2009
A Way Through founders, Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner are dedicated to helping parents understand today’s girls and the peer pressure, friendships, relationships and so much more they face today.
Bullying has become a hot topic that needs to be addressed and needs to stop. Blair Wagner writes an interesting and educational article about bullying and the myths many believe.
Are You Believing the WRONG THINGS About Female Bullying?
By Blair Wagner
It’s a common thought in parenting circles to think that girls shouldn’t treat each other this way. Says whom?
Try this on… Girls should all get along perfectly, have exquisite emotional and social skills, and treat everyone with the utmost respect. Can you hear violins playing sweetly in the background?
Yeah? Well, here’s the deal. It doesn’t work that way. And, it’s not supposed to work that way. Girls (like everyone else) are on this earth to maneuver through the contrast of our world (which is often sticky, and sometimes painful) to find what feeds their passion and to create joy in their lives. In order to do that and to become clear about what they DO WANT, girls need to experience what they DON’T WANT.
When we help girls recognize that some friends will feel good to be with and others won’t, girls can begin to make choices based on their inner guidance system (emotions). For myself, I’ve found the key to be a healthy combination of two things:
- Lack of resistance (let others’ ugly behaviors roll off like water on a duck)
- Conscious focus on what I want in my relationships
When I’m in that nonresistant, positive-focus zone, I find that beautiful people and experiences show up around every corner. Our work as girl guides is to help girls get into that zone.
Wrong Thing #2: Relational Aggression is Getting Worse and the World Is a Mess
With a little effort, we can find evidence to support any viewpoint on any topic. There are certainly visible signs of problems in our world, and we see statistics on how emotional bullying is affecting girls in increasing numbers. This is real. And yet, we get more of what we pay attention to.
There is so much well-being in this world; it far outweighs the lack of well being. When we look at relational aggression as an overwhelming, unsolvable problem, we add to the problem. We can’t solve relational aggression (or any problem for that matter) from a place of fear and overwhelm. Faith, curiosity, and optimism go much further.
Wrong Thing #3: Emotional Bullying Starts in Middle School
Yes, we see a peak of emotional bullying in the middle school years. But, as any kindergarten (and even pre-school) teacher will tell you, it starts very, very young among girls. Relational Aggression from a five-year old (“I won’t be your friend if you…”) may not be as sophisticated as from a thirteen-year old (“let’s start an I-Hate-Miranda web site”), but the pattern can and does begin in the pre-school years.
Savvy parents start very young guiding their daughters to connect with their personal power and to find and cultivate friendships that feel good.
Wise educators see relational aggression as an issue that needs to be addressed as young as kindergarten. Schools that implement common language and strategies within their school community (and consistently teach these to the youngest of their students) will find they have less relational aggression among their female students as they head into their teens.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Follow AWayThrough on Twitter @AWayThrough
Tags: A Way Through, Bullying, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Girls, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Help
Sue Scheff: Champions Against Bullying
by Sue Scheff on Oct 26, 2009
Today I was introduced to an organization dedicated to help prevent bullying. Champions Against Bullying offers tips, resources, workshops and more to help educate people about bullying.
I encourage you to visit their website and read their valuable information and view their engaging illustrations.
Here is part of their TIPS for Kids section:
Never Let Them See You Sweat
It’s a nightmare to be humiliated and harassed every day and feel that you can’t do anything about it. Bullies often threaten by saying that if you ever tell anyone or do anything they will make it tougher on you.
Be sure to tell an adult. Don’t keep it a secret. Bullies count on that. Silence is not golden in this case.
It’s important to remember that you haven’t done anything wrong and nobody has the right to make your life unhappy. Don’t let them!
Body language speaks volumes. Stand tall and straight, look the bully in the eye, say “NO,” and walk away. Or, you may want to say, “That’s your opinion,” and walk away. Don’t look scared.
Don’t get angry in front of the bully. Bullies get off on anger.
Act as if what the bully is saying doesn’t matter to you at the moment and that s/he hasn’t upset you. Then tell an adult immediately.
If the adult you tell doesn’t help, look for another one right away and tell them.
If you’re being surrounded, try to get away and alert an adult or the nearest person. If you can’t get away, yell at the top of your lungs to attract attention.
If you feel you’re about to be bullied, walk towards a crowd of people or another person.
Try to look as if you’re with others around the school, in public places and walking to and from school.
Bullies: Stay Cool!
“You little creep. I’m gonna show you what this school is all about. Let’s call it an introduction.” “Yah,” laughs big Bobby Tompkins as he joins Chris Bowers and starts inching towards little Jimmy O’Reilly.
Just hold it right there. So you had a tough morning. You couldn’t find your baseball mitt. It happens. Was that Jimmy O’Reilly’s fault?
There are times when your family, friends or events make you feel disappointed or unloved.
It’s important to know that it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s never okay to use violence when you’re angry.
How can you keep your cool when you’re furious and hot under the collar?
- Take some deep breaths.
- Think about something else that makes you feel calm and that you enjoy doing.
- Talk to a friend or family member that you trust and try to find the words that describe how you feel. Listen and stay open to what they say.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see their point of view. Ask yourself: “ Is my response rational?”
- Examine your options and find solutions.
- Ask yourself: “Is this the only response that’s open to me?
- Tell yourself, “I’m not going to let them get the best of me.”
- Speak to a professional about managing your anger.
Getting a Grip on Your Self-Esteem – How do You Rate?
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. Check the following points to see how your self-image rates.
1. I’m not influenced by what others say or do.
2. I’m able to say “no” and stand my ground.
3. I don’t always think I’m right.
4. I don’t always need approval from others.
5. I know how to take responsibility.
6. I don’t rely on others to make my life better.
7. I know how to be a friend to others.
8. I’m too unforgiving and judgmental with myself.
9. I feel confident to raise my hand in class.
10. I know the only question that isn’t smart, is the one that was never asked.
Listen Up!
Life can feel more challenging at certain times and reminding ourselves of all the things we’re good at and all the people who think we’re special are great ways to take care of ourselves. Another good way to take care of yourself is to forgive yourself for the time you missed that goal or didn’t get the mark you thought you deserved and know that you will get another chance. Use positive self-talk. Keep telling yourself that you can do it. Also, talking to someone who loves and supports you helps.
Follow Champions Against Bullying on Twitter at @C_A_B_
Tags: Bullying, Champions Against Bullying, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Bullying, Cyberbullying – Ten Tips to STOMP OUT BULLYING!
by Sue Scheff on Oct 25, 2009
It seems everyday we can turn on the news or open up the paper and find another horrific story of a child being bullied, teased, harmed or a suicide from a bullying incident. In Florida last week, we witnessed 15 year old Michael Brewer being doused in alcohol and set 
on fire – by other teens! This has to STOP.
Parents, children, educators, and everyone working with today’s children need to take a stand. More than that, they need to understand the affects of bullying to help with prevention.
Founder of Love Our Children USA, Ross Ellis, knows all too well about what bullying can cause. She recently expanded her non-profit organization into STOMP OUT BULLYING.
In a recent discussion, I asked her to send me 10 tips to help better educate all of us! Take the time to be an educated parent, you will have safer children.
Bullying is an intentional, aggressive and repeated behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength. The various forms of Bullying are:
- Physical
- Verbal
- Emotional
- Sexual
- Racist Bullying
- Cyberbullying
- Hazing
1. Bullying hurts and being a victim of any kind of bullying feels really bad. And it’s important for you to know two things:
- You’re NOT alone
- It’s NOT your fault
So now that you know that, here’s how you can STOMP Out Bullying™:
2. What To Do If You Are Being Bullied
If you’re being bullied there’s a lot you can do. While different tactics work for different people, the first thing you should do is try to work it out yourself.
Depending on how bad the bullying is (and as long as you don’t feel at risk, scared or physically threatened) you might want to try and work it out yourself – as a first step.
If the bully doesn’t change their behavior, that’s when talking to someone else can be really helpful.
If the bullying is verbal – ignore them. This means walking away from them – no matter how badly you want to respond.
The bully wants you to react. And if you don’t, they will most often lose interest.
Remember they want to egg you on so that you’ll get angry. If you don’t get angry, the bully will lose their power.
When possible, ignore them (This includes cyberbullying you by text, email or instant messaging – with one exception. Ignore them but save the texts, emails or instant messages for proof in case you need it.)
Ignoring the bully may be helpful, particularly for one-off cases. Bullies are looking for a reaction from you and often lose interest if they aren’t given the satisfaction of getting one.
3. If You Feel Safe, Here Are Some Ways To Ignore The Bully:
• Walk away when the bully approaches you. Try and imagine you’re walking away from a stranger. Both you and your body language will show you don’t care.
• Concentrate on thinking about something else (maybe a concert you want to go to, or a new outfit you want to buy.)
• When the bully approaches you, count to 100 and keep walking. They’ll never see how upset you are.
• Yelling STOP and walk away. Keep walking and don’t turn around no matter what they say.
4. Be Positive
It can be hard to remember all your good points when someone is doing their best to be negative. However, try to think of all the things you do well and that you are a valuable person. Thinking of how bad the bully must be feeling may also help you to stay positive.
5. Picture This
Picture your bully standing on their head with their body stretching – almost as if they were standing in front of a distorted mirror like the kind you see at a carnival. Listen to their voice as comes out all distorted and warbled. And they’ve turned yellow with pink stripes. Now who’s laughing?
6. Build A Wall Around You
Can you visualize a tall stone wall? Build that invisible wall around you and when it’s up, imagine all the things the bully is saying bouncing off that wall.
7. Be confident
Bullies usually pick on people that they think are weaker than they are, so it may help if you stand up to them.
Some great comeback lines are:
• Whatever!
• Let’s move on!
• You finally found something funny to say?
• I’m not sure why you keep saying these things about me, but I don’t care.
• Be really cool and stop this!
• Enough!
• Why are you talking to me?
• Here we go again. This is boring. Let me know when you’re done.
Other ways to conquer your bully and throw them off track:
• By loudly saying “leave me alone”
• Say something funny
• Look them in the eye and be nice to them
8. The Buddy System
Bullies feel empowered to bully one, but rarely will they bully a group. Hang out with your friends. If the bully does feel like conquering the group, walk away.
If after using these tactics and the bullying doesn’t stop, it may be time to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to let someone know that you are being bullied. There are people who care about you and will help you.
9. Get Help – Tell An Adult
It may seem scary to tell someone but, telling will not only get you help, but make you feel less afraid. If you are being physically bullied and are in danger you must speak with a trusted adult immediately. And if you can’t go to your parents, seek out a trusted teacher guidance counselor or school psychologist. If an adult does not help you, tell another adult and keep telling someone until you do get help.
10. What NOT To Do If You Are Bullied
DON’T…
- Think it’s your fault. Nobody deserves to be bullied!
- Fight back or bully a person back
- Keep it to yourself and just hope the bullying will “go away.” Make sure you report the bullying.
- Skip school or avoid school or afterschool activities because you’re afraid of the bully
- Don’t be afraid to tell. Telling is NOT tattling! It’s the right thing to do!
- Hurt yourself. Nothing is that hopeless that it can’t be resolved.
Your Rights
No matter what, you deserve to feel safe. Everyone has the right to live in a violence free atmosphere both at home and at school.
Visit www.STOMPOUTBULLYING.org and www.LoveOurChildrenUSA.org for more information. Follow them on Twitter at @ProtectChildren.
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Tags: Bullying, Hazing, Love our Children USA, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Stomp Out Bullying, Sue Scheff, Suicide, Teasing, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Could Your Child Be A Bully?
by Sue Scheff on Jul 20, 2009
Author and Therapist, Kara Tamanini, always offers great parenting advice and articles on her Kids Awareness Series website at www.kidsawarenessseries.com. Bullying has become a very hot topic, as it should be, and Kara wrote an article that parents should stop and read. I would never want to have a child that is the reason why another child is hurting emotionally. Take the time to be an educated parent.
By: Kara Tamanini – Author and Therapist2.) Boys most likely are the bullies and tend to be more physically aggressive; however bullies that are girls tend to spread rumors and are verbally aggressive
3.) Bullying is the most prevalent in elementary school, however bullying is prevalent in middle and high school as well.
4.) Bullying by boys declines substantially after age 15. Bullying by girls declines significantly after the age of 14.
5.) Schools in disadvantaged areas tend to have higher bullying rates by research findings. Also, schools where there is a higher prevalence of children that have behavioral, emotional, or learning disorders, the bullying rate is also higher. In classroom settings where the children are of at least average intelligence, there tends to be less bullying behavior
6.) Bullies often tend to have a below average level of intelligence and a lower reading level than their peers.
7.) In schools that have a high level of parent/teacher and principal involvement, the bullying rate is lower
8.) Girls tend to bully girls through gossiping, spreading rumors, giving the girl the “silent treatment” or refusing to talk to her and getting a group of girls to also not talk to her. Boys tend to be more physically aggressive and boys will bully both boys and girls.
9.) Most bullies do not “operate” alone. They want a group of people on “their side”.
Kara T. Tamanini, M.S., LMHCAuthor and Therapist
Founder of Kids Awareness Series
http://www.kidsawarenessseries.com/
Follow Kara Tamanini on Twitter at @KidTherapist
Tags: Bullying, Cyberbullying, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Help, Troubled Teens
Sue Scheff: Love Our Children USA – Help StompOut Bullying
by Sue Scheff on Jun 17, 2009
Love of Children USA is an amazing non-profit organization that continues to protect children, educate people and parents alike, and be a voice to those that can’t be heard. Be sure to visit today.
Help StompOut Bullying!
The Issue of Bullying
Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students of all races and classes. 1 out of 4 kids is bullied and 42% of kids have been bullied while online. Child and teen Bullying and Cyberbullying are at an all-time high. Some kids are so tormented that suicide has become an alternative for them. It has everyone worried. Not just the kids on its receiving end, but the parents, teachers and others who may not understand how extreme bullying can get. Love Our Children USA is working aggressively to prevent these issues and to help the kids and teens affected by it.
Some feel that bullying is a normal right of passage in growing up. It isn’t!! There will always be conflicts between kids, but bullying is intentional cruelty, harassment, and emotional, physical and sometimes sexual abuse. This behavior can set the tone for a lifetime of intentional cruelty or worse. And the consequences to the victim can seriously affect them for the rest of their lives.
What Is Bullying?
Bullying is when someone hurts or scares another person repeatedly and is never appropriate. The innocent one being bullied feels alone, depressed and scared and feels they have nowhere to turn.
- Spreading bad rumors about someone
- Being mean and teasing someone
- Punching, shoving and hurt someone physically
- Not including someone is a group
- Getting certain kids or teens to “gang up” on others
Bullying also can happen on-line or electronically. Cyberbullying is when kids or teens bully each other using the Internet, mobile phones or other cyber technology. This can include:
- Sending mean text, e-mail, or instant messages;
- Posting nasty pictures or messages about others in blogs or on Web sites;
- Using someone else’s user name to spread rumors or lies about someone.
- Stealing someone’s password and spreading rumors about someone else making it seem like that person is the Cyberbully.
Forms of Bullying
It’s not always easy to determine bullying behavior. How do you know if you’re the victim of good-natured ribbing or bullying? Hostility and aggression directed towards a victim who is physically or emotionally weaker than the bully are more obvious signs of bullying. This behavior causes pain and distress for the victim. Bullying comes In various forms:
Physical bullying is the most obvious form of intimidation and can consist of kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, and making threats. A bully may threaten to punch you if you don’t give up your money, your lunch, etc.
Verbal bullying often accompanies physical behavior. This can include name calling, spreading rumors, and persistent teasing.
Emotional intimidation is closely related to these two types of bullying. A bully may deliberately exclude you from a group activity such as a party or school outing.
Racist bullying can take many forms: making racial slurs, spray painting graffiti, mocking the victim’s cultural customs, and making offensive gestures.
Sexual bullying is unwanted physical contact or abusive comments.
Cyberbullying is one or a group of kids or teens using electronic means via computers and mobile phones (emails, Web sites, chat rooms and texting) to torment, threaten, harass, humiliate, embarrass or target another kid or teen.
Why Do Kids Bully?
Bullies don’t need a reason to hurt others. When asked, some replied:
- Because it makes me feel, stronger, smarter, or better than the person I’m bullying
- Because I’m bullied at home
- Because it’s what you do if you want to hang out with the right crowd
- Because I see others doing it
- Because it’s one of the best ways to keep others from bullying me
Whatever the reason, bullying is not cool. It’s mean!
Whether we’ve done it ourselves, or we know others who are doing it … it is important for us to understand that bullying is serious and has harmful effects on the lives of our youth.
Maybe it’s not happening to you … but it could. Join Love Our Children USA and help to STOMP Out Bullying.
Are You A Bully?
- You’ve spread nasty rumors about someone verbally, in a note or through email or texting
- You’ve been mean and teased someone, called them names, or made fun of the way they look, dress, act or talk
- You’ve hurt someone you don’t like
- You’ve pushed, shoved or punched someone repeatedly�just because
- You and your friends exclude others from your group
- You’re part of a group who is mean to others and who’ve done these things just to be popular
- If you’re guilty of any of these very mean behaviors, you are a bully. But you don’t have to be.
Learn how to treat others with kindness and compassion. You can learn how to be COOL in a good way!
Effects of Bullying
Some people think bullying is “just a fact of life” and don’t take it seriously… until someone they know is hurt by bullying.
- 1 out of 4 kids is bullied and 42% of kids have been bullied while online. Child and teen Bullying and Cyberbullying are at an all-time high.
- Some kids are so tormented that suicide has become an alternative for them.
- It can mess up a kid’s future. Bullies are more likely to skip school, drop out of school, smoke, drink alcohol, get into fights and be arrested at some point in their life. 60% of boys who were bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24.
- As many as 160,000 students may stay home on any given day because they’re afraid of their bullies and/or they just can’t take the pain anymore
Have You Witnessed Bullying?
If you see others being bullied, you can help stop it. Help to STOMP Out Bullying and get involved! It might be easier to just watch or ignore bullying, but every one of us needs to feel safe! How would you feel if you were being bullied? How do you think the person you are watching who is being bullied feels?
You Can STOMP Out Bullying
Report Bullying
Don’t be afraid to tell an adult. Telling isn’t tattling! You are helping someone.
Who should you tell? You could tell your parents, teacher, school counselor, school nurse, coach or any adult you trust. Be sure to tell exactly what happened … who was bullied, who the bully was, where and when it happened. Even if you suspect a kid is being bullied, it’s a good idea to report that, too. Most adults really do care about bullying and will be glad that you told them about it.
If you tell an adult and you don’t think they are doing anything about the bullying or if the situation isn’t improving, tell another adult. Keep telling adults until someone does something to help.
Be A Friend To Someone Who Is Being Bullied
When someone is down they need a friend. Be there for the person who is being bullied. Be a buddy on school grounds, get together after school, include them in activities, Walk home with them, sit with them on the bus. Being an understanding and supportive friend means so much. Show a kid who is being bullied that you care about them.
Stand Up To The Bully
If you feel safe and comfortable, tell the bully that what they are doing is mean and wrong. It’s not cool and they should stop. Keep it simple. Do not bully them back. If you are not comfortable standing up to the bully, tell an adult.
Join Love Our Children USA, JoJo and others spreading the word to STOMP Out Bullying.
Learn Who The Bullies Are At Your School
- When and where does bullying happen in school?
- Where do you see kids bullying other kids?
- When and where does it happen in out-of-school places?
- Who is involved – kids who bully, their followers, kids who are bullied, and possible defenders?
- Are there adults around who can help?
Has your school taken a NO TOLERANCE stand when it comes to bullying?
Does your school enforce a No Bullying policy?
If YES, talk with your teachers, counselors and principal and start a group where you and other students can get involved. Start a student advisory group that can meet during student “club” or “activity” times. Share information from this web site with students and adults at your school.
If the answer is NO, talk with a teacher, school counselor, or your principal about starting a program at your school. Show them Love Our Children USA’s web site. Invite Love Our Children USA to speak at your school.
You can STOMP Out Bullying in your community too!
Kids Can Learn More About Bullying Below:
Stop Bullying
Bullying At School
Bullying: What Have I Ever Done To You
Cyberbullying
Cell Phone and Text Messaging Safety
Online Safety For Kids and Teens
Miss Teen New Jersey International 2007 Stand Against Bullies
Parents Can Learn More About Bullying Below:
Bullying And Guns At School
Bullying Prevention Bill Of Rights For Parents and Students
Bullying Prevention Laws
Notice of Harrassment- What Parents Can Do To Stop Bullying
Parents Helping to Stop Bullying and School Violence
Time For School … Time For Bullying Prevention
Cyberbullying
STOMP Out Bullying is an initiative of Love Our Children USA, the national nonprofit leader that honors, respects and protects children. Its mission is to break the cycle of violence against children. Celebrating its 10th year as the’Go-To’ prevention organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children in the U.S.
www.loveourchildrenusa.org
www.stompoutbullying.org
Tags: Bullying, Love Our Children, Parenting, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Stomp Out Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teasing
Sue Scheff: Hazing, Bullying, Teasing
by Sue Scheff on May 07, 2009
Bullying, hazing, teasing and more – parents need to start educating themselves and their children about this harmful issue and how serious it is. As I stated in yesterday’s Blog, the tragic loss of young lives is unspeakable – and when you hear that these kids were constantly bullied and teased, there has to be a stop to it. Hazing is just as serious. Many teens/tweens are pulled into this horrible activity in an effort to “fit in” or think they will be with the “cool” group. Think twice – learn more now.
Source: Connect with Kids
“I think that hazing by nature is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s when it gets humiliating or cruel or overly anxiety-provoking and it becomes a traumatic event, we have to get rid of that.”
– John Lochridge, Ph.D., psychologist
Fifteen-year-old Sean Butkus sees hazing as a pretty normal part of team sports.
“Hazing is a way of initiating a kid and seeing if they’re determined enough’ he says. “Just like, it’s like a test to see if you know they’re gonna be there for you.”
As a freshman, Sean joined his older brother’s soccer team this fall. So he knew what to expect from hearing about his brother’s experience.
“He got his head shaved” says Sean. “And I knew maybe that would happen to me. I actually got a Mohawk.”
Psychologist John Lochridge makes the point that not all of these ‘rites of passage’ are damaging. They were originally meant to bring a group closer together through some sort of hardship, but within certain boundaries.
“I think that hazing by nature is not necessarily a bad thing,” Lochridge says. “It’s when it gets humiliating or cruel or overly anxiety-provoking and it becomes a traumatic event, we have to get rid of that.”
A new survey finds that 45 percent of high school kids have been hazed: one in four was sleep deprived and 8 percent of the kids had to drink so much they either got sick or passed out.
“There’s just not enough supervisors to see what’s happening in every room – what’s happening in the bathroom, the locker room – there’s just so many places where so many things can happen,” Sean says.
Experts say the key is for the adults in charge to be proactive, to be alert, to ask questions and to make boundaries clear at the beginning of the year or the start of the season.
“There needs to be no sexuality involved and no abuse, no nudity, no humiliation – those kinds of things are above and beyond,” says Lochridge.
And coaches in particular can make sure they pick the right kids to be the team leaders.
It helps to have captains who are approachable, who are mature enough to listen to the new kids, Lochridge states.
“You want a relationship somewhere between the kids where the ones who are being hazed can go to the older ones and say, look, this is enough,” he adds. “It’s gone over the line. It’s getting inappropriate. And hopefully, the older ones have the wisdom to respond to that.”
Sean was lucky. His team captains were responsible and his experience was all in good fun.
“I mean, we still laugh about it,” he says. “I liked it.”
Tips for Parents
Hazing was created as a way to develop teamwork and unity among a group of individuals. It was also designed to “prove one’s worth.” While trust, devotion and determination are important attributes to possess, many organizations who participate in hazing take it to the extreme, turning it from a symbol of loyalty into a celebration of humiliation. Experts have developed a list of alternatives to hazing.
- Plan events in which the whole group, team or organization attends (such as field trips, retreats, dances, movies and plays).
- Participate in team-building activities (visiting a ropes course, playing paint ball, etc.).
- Plan a social event with another group.
- Develop a peer-mentor program within the group, teaming seasoned members with new members.
- Work together on a community service project or plan fundraisers for local charitable organizations.
Hazing may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. Students and parents may consider hazing a part of tradition, having fun or harmless pranks. But according to D’Arcy Lyness, a child and adolescent psychologist, viewing hazing this way only adds to the problem. It trivializes the actual dangers that exist in the act of hazing. There are steps, however, that parents can take to help prevent hazing, Lyness says.
- Be educated about state anti-hazing laws (all but seven states have some sort of law applying to schools, colleges, universities and other educational institutions). Some schools – and states – may group hazing and bullying together in policies and laws.
- Make sure your child’s school and/or district has clearly defined policies that prohibit hazing, is taking measures to proactively prevent hazing from occurring and is acting immediately with repercussions when hazing does occur.
- Ask your parent-teacher association and/or school administrators to invite a local law-enforcement official to speak to parents and/or the student body about hazing and the state’s anti-hazing law.
- Work with school personnel and student leaders to create powerful – and safe – experiences to promote positive alternatives to hazing that would foster cohesion in group, club and team membership.
- Talk to other parents – especially those of upperclassmen and your child’s sports teammates – about what their children may have seen or experienced. If you know that the problem exists at your child’s school, you’ll be better prepared to discuss it with your child, fellow parents and school officials.
- Clichéd as it is, have the “if everyone else was jumping off the bridge, would you do it, too?” conversation with your child. Talk about why your child shouldn’t feel pressured to participate in anything, even if “everyone else is doing it” or “it’s always been done this way.”
- Talk specifically about hazing and what your child would do in a hypothetical hazing situation. Discuss how the group mentality sometimes can cause people to wait for someone else to do the right thing, stop something dangerous, speak out, etc. Discuss the topic in a way that doesn’t lecture or tell your child what to think or do. Let your child know that often it takes just one person to speak out or take different action to change a situation. Others will follow if someone has the courage to be first to do something different or to be first to refuse to go along with the group.
- Explain to your child that physical and mental abuse, no matter how harmless it may seem, isn’t part of becoming a member of the in crowd or a specific group, and that it even may be against the law. Emphasize the importance of telling you and an adult at school whenever another kid or group of kids causes your child or anyone else physical harm.
- If your child has experienced hazing, talk to school officials immediately. If physical abuse was involved, talk to your local law-enforcement agency. Though he or she may be unwilling or may feel uneasy about “telling on” peers, get precise details from your child about the incident – who, what, when, where and how.
- Above all, maintain open communication with your child. Always ask what’s going at school, what peers are doing, what pressures are present – physically, academically and socially. Encourage your child to come to you in any uncomfortable situation, big or small.
References
- Kids Health
- Stop Hazing
- National School Safety Center
- University of Maine
Tags: Bullying, Cyberbullying, Hazing, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Bullying Has to Stop
by Sue Scheff on May 06, 2009
With the two recent suicides of 11 year old boys who were bullied at school, parents need to step up and take Action. Oprah had an insightful and tearful show this week with the mothers‘ of these two little boys and the father of another. Bullying has to stop! It used to be said that “words can never hurt you” but that is simply and horrifically not true. Words can hurt and they can hurt deeply and now potentially cause death.
Stop Bullying Now is a comprehensive website that can answer many of your questions and help you and your children. With sections for both kids and parents, it can help you with parenting tips and tips for kids that are being teased and bullied.
What Can Adults Do?
Welcome to the Stop Bullying Now! Campaign Web site created especially for adults. Here you’ll find valuable resources about bullying awareness, prevention and intervention. As an adult, the best ways you can prevent bullying includes knowing about the many forms of bullying and best practices for taking action. No matter how you interact with children and youth, there are many ways you can Take a Stand. Lend a Hand. Stop Bullying Now!
For more information on Bullying visit Education.com and visit their new special edition on this vital topic.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Bullying, Education.com, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Suicide, Teasing, Teen Help
