Teen Angry: Reasons It Can Escalate
by Sue Scheff on Feb 03, 2012
Speaking with parents on a daily basis, I hear a lot about how teens can go into a rage, especially when they don’t get what they want. It seems family values and respect for parents and authority has diminished in today’s generation. I am not talking about all families, but many that I speak with, they don’t understand where there once happy toddler went.
Here is a good guest post with five possible reason that can cause teen anger:
5 Ways to Make Your Teenager Angry
Any parent of a teenager knows that one of the main emotions associated with that age is, you guessed it, anger. In fact, most people simply refer to their teenager as an “angry teen” and write off those emotions as a simple fact of life during that age. While this is definitely true, it is also imperative to treat your teen with as much care and respect as you would any other loved one, even if they treat you with the opposite of care and respect, at times. As a parent, you can’t write off your teen’s anger. In fact, if you’re not careful, you run the risk of making them seriously angry at you, rather than simply angry at the world. Here’s how:
1. Don’t Listen to What They Have to Say
One of the most important things to do while your kids are teenagers is to try to foster and maintain communication. Even if your teen would rather walk home in the snow than talk to you about his day, you have to take advantage of any communication you can get. And, most importantly, when you do get the opportunity to communicate, focus less on what you would like to say to them and more on what they have to say to you. You could be so occupied with worrying about the next thing you think you should tell them that you can miss hugely important clues about your teens life and how he or she is feeling.
2. Tell Them They Are Just Being a Teen
Talk about being written off! And at the absolute worst time in life to feel that way, no less. Never, ever make the mistake of treating your teen like their opinions or emotions are invalid simply because they are going through their “teens.” There is nothing that will push your child away faster or make them feel more annoyed and insulted.
3. Don’t Practice What You Preach
You may feel like you can relax a little once your kids are grown up, without the worry of them repeating things they shouldn’t say or copying behaviors they shouldn’t be copying. It’s easy to feel like you can cut back on trying to provide an example. But, even if it doesn’t feel like it, your teen is still watching you and emulating your behavior. If you are constantly lecturing them about following through on their homework, you better take the trash out if that is one of your family chores or remove foul language from your vocabulary if you expect the same from them. If you are going to ask your teen to follow through on things they say they will do, you absolutely must set that example.
4. Make Them Feel Isolated
When your teen suddenly prefers to lock herself in her room, music blaring, rather than hang out with the family, it can be easy to just leave them alone up there and not bother. Once invitations have been rejected so many times, you can begin to feel like it would be better to stop bothering them altogether. However, your teen still needs to feel like a relevant and important member of the family, or else you run the risk of creating a feeling of isolation that could continue into the later teen years.
5. Don’t Prepare Them for Plans
This is another area where parents sometimes feel that it’s better to stay away than address an issue or upcoming plan with their teen. Things like letting them know that you will be going out of town in two weeks, or that you want to have a family movie night on Friday, are simple to throw on your teen last minute, especially when they act like they could care less. The truth is, in the moment, they probably don’t care. But that doesn’t mean that you should surprise them by springing plans on them last minute. Sometimes teens, just like anyone else, need a little time to mentally prepare for upcoming events, and being forced to do something without warning is a surefire recipe for a breakdown.
Byline:
This is a guest post by Kimberly Wilson. Kimberly is from accredited online colleges, she writes on topics including career, education, student life, college life, home improvement, time management etc.
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Tags: anger, Difficult Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Struggling Teens, Teen Anger, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Rage
Family Conflict: 10 Signs a Parent is Upset with their Teenager
by Sue Scheff on Jan 24, 2012
Raising teens today can be contentious and get your blood pressure boiling. The lack of respect towards parents and most authority is very disturbing in today’s society. I often say the sense of entitlement issue can be a large cause of today’s defiant teens. Either way, parents are struggling with kids that are literally holding parents hostage in their own homes.
Here is a great guest post by Barbara Williams:
Working as a nanny can be a rewarding and fulfilling job for people who love children. However, getting along with the parents can sometimes be a challenge. The important thing to remember is, no matter how much you love the children, the parents are the boss. You need to make sure they are happy with your work because the parents are ones signing your paychecks. It might not always be obvious that you’re doing something to displease them, so here are 10 signs a parent is upset with you.
- Not speaking – Some parents aren’t good at communicating their displeasure so they’ll give you the silent treatment. Instead of a light banter at the end of the day they’ll only answer direct questions with short terse statements. If this starts happening you better find out if you did something wrong or if they’re just having a bad day.
- Exasperated sighs – Another unspoken sign a parent is upset with you is the exasperated sigh. Nannies who hear this better be on their toes. You should probably find out what the parent is unhappy about.
- Facial expressions – It’s important for nannies to be able to read the parent’s facial expressions. A furrowed brow or tenseness around the mouth could be a sign you did something wrong.
- Schedule a talk – When parents tell you they want to schedule a little talk, you may be in trouble. They may say something about having to go over a few things or the need to reevaluate your duties. Uh-oh!
- Send you home early – Another sign you made them unhappy is when they send you home early for no apparent reason. This could mean they are so upset they don’t even want to have you around.
- Day off for no reason – Getting an unscheduled day off could seem like a good thing at first, but you might want to beware. This could mean the parents are reevaluating your position. They may even be scheduling interviews with other potential nannies.
- Unreasonable demands – Some parents will do just the opposite and start making unreasonable demands when they’re upset with you. This could be their way of punishing you for whatever misdeeds you’ve done.
- Exaggerated niceness – Some parents will express their displeasure by treating you with exaggerated niceness. This forced and fake kindness that is dripping with sarcasm is a clear sign they’re upset.
- Kids tell you – Of course kids don’t have filters on their expressions like adults do, so they are more likely to tell you when their parents are upset and why. Nannies can often rely on the children to let something slip if there’s a problem the parents won’t tell them about.
- They tell you – Of course the best way to find out a parent is upset with you is for them to tell you. It’s much better for them to let you know right away if you’re doing something they don’t like so you can rectify the situation.
Everyone handles conflict differently and some people are very uncomfortable with confrontations. They’ll do anything to avoid unpleasantness. The best thing to do is have good communication between both the parents and the nannies. It’s not good to let problems fester when they can re resolved quickly and amicably. Nannies should watch for these signs that the parents are upset and work hard to resolve the situation.
Source: Find a Babysitter
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Disrespectful Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Problem Teens, Teen Help and Parents Searching the Internet
by Sue Scheff on Jan 09, 2012
When is enough - enough?
Second semester. Some teens have had enough. They don’t want to go to school anymore. They believe they know it all. It is easier to get a GED, after all, some of their so-called friend are doing it!
Your once happy, bouncing toddler that strolled into kindergarten, brought that artwork home for your refrigerator, and may have end participated in the school plays has now decided that hanging out with a new group of peers that are less than what you would have selected for them, is their thing….
As much as you are trying to ignore or just say it is a phase, you notice your teen is withdrawing from the family, failing in school, smell alcohol, maybe even marijuana, cigarettes, and overall have become a child you no longer recognize with a personality that is defiant and totally disrespectful the the family boundaries – what do you do?
Most parents try local therapy – which is a great first step, but when happens when therapy doesn’t work? You can’t be afraid to take that next step! A parent in a denial only harms your teenager. Don’t be held hostage in your home by your teen’s behavior.
Sending a child to a residential program/school is a major decision. It is not one to be taken lightly or to be decided on overnight.
Usually a teen’s behavior has been slowly escalating and a parent knows that deep down things are not getting better. As much as you hope and pray that things will change, this is only typical teen behavior, sometimes it just isn’t.
With drug use and substance abuse rising – more dangerous and deadly ingredients being used, such as spice and inhalants, parents have reason to be concerned. It isn’t your marijuana of generations prior – it is so much worse and in many cases – addictive and deadly.
If you have reached your wit’s end and now surfing the Internet for help, remember, anyone can build a website. Anyone can put up nice pictures and create great content. You need to do your due diligence.
Years ago I struggled with my own teenager. I was at my wit’s end. I didn’t realize what a big business this “teen help industry” was. Yes, my child needed help, but what we received was anything but that. My story is a cautionary tale – not one to scare you into not using a program, however on the contrary, you have to get your child help, but you have to do your research in getting them the right help.
You can do it without spending thousands!
Here are some quick tips:
- Your child is not for sale, try to avoid those marketing arms selling you a list of programs that are not in the best interest of your child’s individual needs.
- Always speak with an owner or director – Someone that has a vested in your teen’s recovery. Their reputation is on the line.
- Wilderness and other short term programs are usually nothing more than a band-aid that will fall off as quickly as the program lasted. They are expensive camping trips and in most cases the Wilderness program will tell you at about 4 weeks that your teen will need to continue on to a longer term program. What? Yes, now you go back to the research board and worse than that, your teen will be deflated when he finds out he/she isn’t coming home in 6-9 weeks as they were lead to believe – and they will be starting all over again with a new therapist – new schedule – and new setting. Don’t get caught up in this “shuffle.” Start and finish with the same school/program.
- The average stay should be about 6-9-12 months, depending on your teen. Anything less is probably non-effective. Anything more, you may be creating abandonment issues in my opinion.
- Do you really need an Educational Consultant? Absolutely not. You are the parent and no one knows your teen better than you do – with a few tips, you will be able to make some sound choices.
For more helpful hint and tips, please contact www.HelpYourTeens.com for a free consultation. After the ordeal I went through, I created this advocacy organization to help educate parents on finding safe and quality programs.
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Boarding Schools, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Educational Consultants, Entitlement Issues, good kids bad choices, High School Dropouts, IECA, NATSAP, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Residential Treatment Centers, Struggling Teens, Teen Help, Therapeutic Boarding Schools, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Holiday Blues aren’t just for adults: Check on your teens, their Facebook Status is a good place to start
by Sue Scheff on Dec 24, 2011
WHEN SAFETY TRUMPS PRIVACY.
“When will this end?”
“I hate my life”
RED FLAGS and parenting. Know them!
Facebook is the social hangout of the internet for all ages, but it is particularly true of teenagers.
Teenagers often are much more open about what they are thinking and feeling in this cyber environment than most older adults. Since teens experience many emotional ups and downs, it can be easy to dismiss most of their dramatic postings as nothing more than normal teenage drama. However, there have been too many instances in recent years when parents had wished they’d paid more attention to what their teenager had posted as their ‘current status’.
Here a few status updates parents should watch for and investigate further.
Know how your teen is feeling....It could save their life.
- I can’t take it anymore. Although, this could mean anything from homework overload to sibling irritation, it could also be a cry for help from a teen who is truly overwhelmed with life in someway. It is not a status update that you want to ignore. Parents should take the initiative and find out what prompted this entry.
- Text me. This may seem innocent enough, but, for some parents, it may be a signal that their teen may be trying to keep something hidden that needs to be in the open. Privacy and protection are always a fine line to walk with teenagers. Parents, however, should never hesitate to ask about the reason behind such a post.
- Really loaded right now. If your teen is high enough to make this post on Facebook without thinking about the fact that their parents might see it, there is drug or alcohol abuse going on. Ignoring these types of problems does not make them go away.
- Depressing song lyrics. Song lyrics are popular posts from teens. It may be what they’re listening to at the moment or a song that is running through their head. If the lyrics of the songs are continually negative and depressing, this could be an indication of the teen’s emotional state, as well.
- No one understands. This is a common feeling during teenage years, but it is also one that can develop into a true depressive state. Seeing this posted as your teen’s Facebook status should raise enough concern for their parents to pursue the reasons behind the posting.
- I hate my life. Again, this is not an unusual statement to come from a teen at different points in their adolescence, however, posting it as your Facebook status is similar to shouting it from the rooftops. It is always better to treat these statements seriously, than to ignore them as a simple impulse statement.
- Forgive me, Mom & Dad. This kind of post would be one that should require immediate connection with your child. If it doesn’t mention what they are asking forgiveness for, it may be a subtle plea for you to stop them from doing something terrible. Take this very seriously!
- You’re all going to die. In light of the terrible things we have seen happen in our schools, a teen who posts something like this should not be ignored. “I was just joking” is not an acceptable explanation for this type of post. A teen who posts such a statement publicly should expect inquiry from, not only his parents, but school and law enforcement as well.
- I wish I were dead. Never assume these statements are words only. Any type of suicidal expression like this should be taken very seriously. Many parents have had the misfortune of finding out that even a verbal statement can be an indication of suicidal thoughts. A public posting of that thought should be taken just as seriously.
- I hate my school. The key word in this status update is ‘my’. It doesn’t say ‘I hate school’, it is more specific than that. It would behoove the parents to find out what it is, about the child’s school, that made them post this statement, and what can be done to improve the situation.
Facebook status updates reach a lot of people, a parent of a teenager should definitely be one of those people who pays attention to what their child is broadcasting into cyberspace. It may be their way of trying to find out if anyone is really paying attention, and if anyone really cares.
Source: My ISP Finder
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Facebook status, holiday blues, Parenting, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Struggling Teens, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Sadness, Troubled Teens
20 New Trends in Sex Education
by Sue Scheff on Dec 14, 2011
Parenting includes many sensitive talks with our children, however the birds and the bees still remains one of the most difficult for many parents.
Why?
It seems we are starting it a younger age than generations earlier!
Sex education isn’t necessarily something people like to talk about, but it’s certainly necessary. Without sex education (and often, even with), teens can get into trouble with pregnancy, abortion, STDs, and even AIDS, all of which can have a negative impact on their lives and future happiness. Awareness and education are important, but they’re not always the same. Sex education has changed considerably in recent years, with abstinence-only education, sex education for younger children, and more, so it’s worth taking a look at some new developments in the field. Read on, and we’ll discuss 20 new trends that are going on in sex education right now.
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Mandating medically accurate sex education
It seems like a no-brainer, but many states have recently enacted bills that would require medical accuracy in school sex education. We have to wonder what’s been put out that’s not accurate, but at least these states are working to get it right now. Typically, the educational programs are required to be in accordance with “accepted scientific methods and recognized as accurate and objective by professional organizations and agencies with expertise in the relevant field, such as the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the American Public Health Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.”
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Teens aren’t learning about contraception before they have sex
Sexual activity is common by the late teen years with 7 in 10 teens engaging in intercourse by their 19th birthday. But many students who have engaged in sex report that they didn’t learn about contraceptive use before getting started. In a Guttmacher Institute fact sheet on American teens’ sources of information about sex, 46% of males and 36% of females reported that they didn’t receive formal instructions about contraception before having sex for the first time.
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Kids are learning about sex from outside of school
This is obvious to most, but the majority of sex education actually takes place outside of school. Kids learn about sex from porn, TV, and pop culture these days. Stars like singer Solange Knowles lend their time and image to campaigns that promote safe sex, and even death metal bands get in on the action.
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Sex education for younger children
Sex education can start as young as third grade, although that education doesn’t necessarily involve explicit sex explanations. For third graders in China, sex education starts in the form of a toilet tour, in which children get the opportunity to peek into the other gender’s bathroom to better understand the differences in their bodies and behaviors. Students also view presentations about sperm fertilizing eggs.
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Many sex ed programs are abstinence-only
According to the CDC, about 1/3 of sex education omits the use of birth control, engaging in the controversial abstinence-only sex education that has been both lauded and criticized. However, about 2/3 of teens got instruction in birth control before graduating from high school: about 62% of boys and 70% of girls. Research suggests that comprehensive sex education that includes both abstinence and birth control began to decline from 1995 to 2002 and has not changed much since then.
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Federal funding mandates prohibit educating students about contraception
Since 1997, the federal government has invested more than $1.5 billion into abstinence-only programs, which require schools to avoid teaching about birth control in order to receive federal funding for sex education. These programs must adhere to a strict eight-point definition of education, with the “exclusive purpose of teaching the social, psychological, and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity.” Critics point out that the eight-point definition is not created by “evidence-based, public health and social science research,” but rather, a values agenda put in place by Congress.
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Elementary schools are passing out condoms
Schools passing out condoms to students is not a new idea, but some schools are taking things a step further and making them available to virtually all ages. In Provincetown, Massachusetts, one school will allow students as young as first grade to get free condoms, as long as they listen to a talk about sex education beforehand. The program is a move to decrease teen pregnancy. While the superintendent recognizes that first graders and other young elementary school children probably don’t know what condoms are and won’t ask for them, parents are worried that just by having them available, students are going to get the message that it’s acceptable to have sex at such a young age.
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Almost all sex-ed programs teach about AIDS and STDs
Almost all students will learn about AIDS and STDs, a move that is smart for stopping the spread of disease. About 97% of teens report receiving formal sex education by the age of 18, and about 92% of boys and girls report being taught about STDs, including preventing infection with the AIDS virus. This may cut down on the spread of AIDS and STDs now and in the future among young people who are sexually active.
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Teen males will use more condoms if they learn about them
Although federal funding mandates abstinence-only education, research has shown that formal sex education, regardless of whether it includes information about birth control or not, leads to greater condom use among teen males. So even though teen males may not be educated about condoms, being informed about sexuality seems to increase responsibility. According to Condom Use and Consistency Among Male Adolescents in the United States, “the critical factor for male condom use and consistency is the presence of any formal instruction.”
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Schools are testing students on health and sex education
Washington DC public schools annually test student progress in reading and math, and now, they are testing what students know about sexuality, contraception, and drug use as well. This is a bold move in a city with some of the country’s highest rates of sexual transmitted diseases and teen pregnancies. Officials share that the test will fill gaps in what they understand about young people’s awareness and why they behave a certain way. According to Brian Pick, deputy chief of curriculum and instruction for DC Public Schools, “it paints a fuller picture.” Adam Tenner, executive director of MetroTeenAIDS, believes the new test is positive, pointing out that “what gets measured gets done.”
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States who denied abstinence-only funding typically have teen pregnancy rates under the national average
There is a correlation between abstinence-only education and high teen pregnancy rates. In 2005, states who did not receive federal funding for teaching abstinence-only education typically had teen pregnancy rates that were under the national average. Abortion rates also tended to be lower in those states, indicating that students with comprehensive sex education may have more favorable outcomes.
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Masturbation isn’t really discussed
Although abstinence is discussed as an option in virtually every sex education program, whether birth control is mentioned or not, masturbation is hit or miss. Some teachers believe that discussing personal or mutual masturbation can be beneficial to students who want to explore sexuality without the risk of STDs and pregnancy, but others believe that teaching students about masturbation, and mutual masturbation in particular, may just be a prelude to intercourse.
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Sex education curriculum often has distorted information
Parents and students trust sex education programs to teach accurate information, but according to Advocates for Youth, sex education curriculum often includes distorted information. A 2004 study by the House Government Reform Committee took a look at commonly used curricula and found that they contained unproven claims, subjective conclusions, and outright falsehoods, including the “facts” that “half of gay male teenagers in the US have tested positive for HIV,” “condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse,” and “as many as 10 percent of women who have an abortion become sterile.”
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Sex education programs with both abstinence and contraceptive education can create favorable outcomes
Advocates for Youth points out that considerable scientific evidence supports the idea that sex education programs including both abstinence and contraception can help teens delay sexual activity, increase contraceptive use, and have fewer sexual partners when they start having sex. The group also believes that youth development programs that engage young people constructively in communities and schools are helpful. Specifically, Advocates for Youth identifies characteristics of effective curricula, including programs that last more than a few weeks, address peer pressure, and reflect the appropriate age, sexual experience, and culture of the students in the program.
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Virginity pledges
Some teens and young adults have begun to commit to virginity pledges, often as part of church programs. Studies have found that these pledges can delay vaginal intercourse, however, pledgers often replace it with other sexual activities including oral sex and anal sex, both of which do not reduce the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Some studies indicate that virginity pledges may reduce the likelihood of contraceptive use once pledgers engage in sex. The first virginity pledge program was created in 1993, by the name of True Love Waits, started at the Southern Baptist Convention, with now more than 2.5 million pledgers.
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Teens are having less sex
Although parents and concerned citizens worry that today’s teens are having more sex than ever, a CDC survey, Teenagers in the United States: Sexual Activity, Contraceptive Use, and Childbearing indicates that teens’ levels of sexual experience have decreased. The numbers of teens who have had sexual intercourse at least once have not changed significantly, and that number has been in overall decline over the last 20 years. As Examiner.com points out, that means today’s teens are less likely to be sexually experienced than their parents were as teens.
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Teens don’t learn about the connection between AIDS and anal sex
Researchers at the Bradley Hasbro Children’s Research Center discovered that anal sex is on the rise among teens and young adults. They say that girls are often persuaded to try anal sex to have sex without risking pregnancy or their virginity, but don’t understand the health consequences. Even students who can recite how you get AIDS may not understand how exactly it translates to their behavior, thinking that they can’t get AIDS because they’re not having vaginal sex. In fact, anal sex can be more risky for HIV infection, as tissue may tear and cause direct blood exposure to infected fluids. Lead author Celia Lescano remarks, “There is no doubt that teens lack information about STDs and the safety of different behaviors and they they are engaging in more sexual experimentation.”
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Some states leave sex-ed curriculum up to local school districts
In some states, sexual education curriculum is variable among different school districts, with differences in what is taught and how it’s presented. In Connecticut, for example, the state leaves it all up to local school districts, allowing them to decide what is taught about sex education. The state does, however, offer guidelines on what it believes should be taught, and all public school districts do offer at least basic health education for high school students, and state law requires school districts to teach about HIV. Bonnie Edmondson, a health education consultant at the Connecticut Department of Education shares, “It is a local control issue. The communities have a feel for what is best.”
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Teens want more input from parents
Although most teens are at an age when they are pushing their parents away on a regular basis, the fact is that they would like more input from their parents when it comes to sex education. In Baker County, Florida, teens don’t believe they’re getting adequate sex education from parents or teachers, and they shared that parents need to find better ways to discuss sex with their kids. Some teens pointed out that sex education is first and foremost the parents’ responsibility, and they need to find ways to make the topic less awkward to bring up. They also note that teens learn more about sex from their peers than their parents, and that’s not necessarily a good thing.
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The elderly are getting sex education as well
Schoolkids aren’t the only ones learning about sex these days. The elderly are finding value in sex education as well. In Malaysia, one state is providing sex education for the elderly to stop rising divorce rates. Family development foundation head Mohamad Shafaruddin Mustafa notes, “Many elderly couples sleep in separate bedrooms and are not intimate. This is unhealthy as they can still have vibrant intimate relationships, especially with all kinds of therapy and health supplements now available.” With sex education, elderly couples can better learn how to reconnect and enjoy their sexual relationship together.
Source: Best Colleges Online
Tags: HIV Awareness, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sex Education, Sue Scheff, Teen Health, Teen Help, Teen Sex Awareness, Teen Sex Education
7 Deadly Questions Never to Ask Your Teens and Why
by Sue Scheff on Dec 08, 2011
Parenting Expert and Author, Dr. Michele Borba, explains why there are seven key questions you never want to approach your teenagers with and possibly your tweenagers.
Most people know that parenting today is not easy, and with today’s technology, kids advancing their sexual knowledge at earlier ages, as well as our own media outlets such as TV and music lyrics that are sometimes questionable, it is hard to run from having these kids grow up much faster than we did.
Here is a special guest post from my good friend and Today Show Contributor, Michele Borba. If you haven’t picked up her book yet, Big Book of Parenting Solutions, treat yourself this holiday season! Order it today!
Toxic parent communication stoppers that are guaranteed to turn teens off – and your better response to keep them talking.
Let’s face it, talking with an adolescent can be like walking through a minefield. At any moment you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response.
You know that communication keeps you connected to your child, but it often seems to backfire because of the type of questions asked.
Research proves our instincts: The number one antidote to risky-kid behavior is a strong relationship with a parent. Believe it or not our kids even like us and want us in their lives! (Really!!!!) A recent Girl Scouts of America survey found that tween girls really want their moms even more involved in their lives.
The trick is how to stay involved the right way so we don’t turn them off, they do want to come to us and we can be a sounding board to help them wade through tough issues. Watch out! The biggest turn off (according to tweens and teens) is often how we pose our questions.
Here are seven things you should avoid asking an adolescent because they are guaranteed to be big “turn offs” and how to pose those trickier questions another way so you’re more likely to get a better response from your kid (or at least keep her standing in the same room with you).
1. “So, how was your day?”
Trite, generic, remarks like “Did you have fun last night?” and “How was school?” don’t go over with tweens. They say they see them as “insincere” and “so-o-o predictable.” “Watch—My Mom is going to ask, “How was your day?” She always does.” Tweens put those comments at the top of their annoying list. Besides you’ll get nothing more than a “FINE” response from your kid.
Better: “What are your friends saying about Madonna’s 13 year old daughter starting a fashion line?”
Ask open-ended questions requiring more than a yes/no response makes it appear that you really do want to listen. If you ask questions about their world and interests, you’re getting bonus points. (“Can you tell me how to download must to my Ipod?”) P.S. Be sure to stop multi-tasking (tweens hate it!) so it appears you really are interested.
Bullying peaks during the tween years and is escalating and far more vicious. Reports say one in three tweens are involved in bullying either as a victim or bully which includes: social exclusion, racial, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, relational aggression, or electronic (cell phones, websites, pagers or email.
2. “Why didn’t you tell the kid to leave you alone????”
Research shows tweens often don’t tell their parents that they are being victimized for fear of retaliation and humiliation (they often feel they’ve done something to cause it and rarely do) or that you’ll say, “Tell the kid to leave you alone!” (Which they say is the worst advice you can give.
A tween often cannot fend for herself and needs help in figuring out safety options and strategies to defend herself. In fact, bullying is a repeated pattern of willful cruelty. Bullies do not go away and generally continue to target victims, which can cause severe emotional ramifications.
Better: “Where did this happen?”
Get specifics so you can help your tween create a safety plan. The question often signals to your tween or teen that you believe her and you’re ready to offer advice. Also, bullying usually happens at the same time and place so. Ask: “Who was involved?” “Where do you feel least safe?” You can then provide specific advice to help your son or daughter create a safety plan.
3. “What was she wearing?”
Materialism is huge with the tween set and is mounting. Marketers are tailoring the tween-aged kid. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are most impressionable. Tween-aged kids are most likely to believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their peer status and it also impacts their professional goals (75 percent of 8 to 12 year olds desire to be rich).
More US kids than anywhere in the world believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their social status. Preteens with lower self-esteem value possessions significantly more than children with higher self-esteem.
Better: “What do you enjoy about her?”
Halt the comments about clothing and appearance. They can backfire and make your kid feel that’s what you care more about. It also tweaks your conversation on surface stuff only. Instead emphasize those traits that grow from the inside out like talent, loyalty, character, friendship, or fun! Let your adolescent know that you value her and her friends as people and not for their appearances or popularity. Besides, 95 percent of adults say that kids are too focused on buying and consuming so halt the comparisons.
4. “Why are you sooooo sensitive?”
Puberty is a period of intense hormonal changes. In fact, more changes are going on in your tween’s body than at any other time in their life and is now occurring at younger ages! New brain research shows that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is still developing. So expect those mood swings and extremes. But also expect your tween to be “very touchy” and sensitive. Hint: Don’t tease–they will take it personally. And never tease or discipline your kid in front of another peer. You’re guaranteed to get big time resistance and a turn-off.
Better: “You seem upset. Had a tough day? Need a hug?”
Tune in to your child’s emotions. Respect where your child is coming from. Refrain from sarcasm and taunts. Watch your non-verbal cues, such as smirks or raised eyebrows. Teens are overly sensitive to these expressions and may read more into them than you think.
5. “Why did you do that?” (Even worse: “What were you thinking???”)
Expect your tween to be a bit impulsive and act a little crazy!
Neuro-imaging confirms that their prefrontal cortex is still developing – the exact place where decision-making and impulse regulations are forming.
Also, tweens may not always know the reasons behind their actions (really!!) And it’s one reason they may have that blank look when you ask, “Why did you do that?????”
Better: “What did you hope would happen? What will do next time?”
It’s best to not use “Why” with a tween (“Why did you do that?”) Chances are they won’t know. Instead use “What” to get them thinking. Doing so will not stop their “I don’t know response,” but get them to think before they act. And might even help them learn what to do the next time. (Such a concept, eh?)
6. “Why didn’t you just say no????”
The need to “fit in” is huge and peer pressure is huge. In fact, it will never be as strong. It’s tough to stand up to your peers, but even more so during these years. Tweens also say the worst advice their parents’ give is to “Just say no!” (Boys and Girls Club of America 2006 study of over 46,000 13 to 18 year olds).
Tweens say what they want from their parents are actual strategies to counter the pressure.
Better: “It’s tough to say no to a friend. Have you tried…?”
Tweens especially say what they need are specific peer pressure techniques. So offer strategies by brainstorming together during a relaxed time: “Let’s think of things you could say the next time your friend pushes you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing. You could make an excuse like: ‘I have to get home and do my homework or my parents will ground me” or give a reason like ‘My grandpa was a smoker and died of cancer. I promised him I wouldn’t.’ What else could you say?”
7. “Why don’t you just get over it and move on?”
Peer relationships are critical and play a big part of an adolescents self-esteem. Tweens are discovering the opposite sex and have their first “crushes.” When there’s a friendship tiff or breakup with a “first love” ah the anguish! Though the anguish may seem juvenile, don’t dismiss your kid’s hurt and tell her to “Get over it.” Their hurt is intense and real. (Remember way back. Did you get over it easily?) It may take a while for them to bounce back–especially during these years when one of their top concerns is “peer humilation.” Not only are tweens concerned about their own pain but what “all the other kids are saying.”
P.S.: Don’t dismiss boys! (Says the mom of three). Research shows the male breed often has a tougher time bouncing back than girls.
Better: “I’m so sorry. Want to get an ice cream?”
Show a little empathy! Breakups at this age are crushing. Be available, understanding, supportive, and fill your kid’s social calendar with something to do (especially on those weekends) if they’re left alone. Don’t ask, “What happened?” Or “What went wrong?” And don’t push for details. They’ll give those when they feel comfortable. Right now just be there!
Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. Her work aims to help strengthen children’s character and resilience, build strong families, create compassionate and just school cultures, and reduce peer cruelty. Her practical, research-based advice is culled from a career of working with over one million parents and educators worldwide.
Tags: Michele Borba, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens
Addictions: Breaking the Generational Curse
by Sue Scheff on Nov 09, 2011
Addicts. Addiction. Intervention. Rehab. Teen help. Therapy. Wit’s end.
We live in a world that has become more difficult than generations prior. The stress levels, the economy, job loss, losing homes, and even losing loved ones to suicide – bullying – or addiction; when does it end?
Guest writer, Christine Kane, gives us some great insights to consider about the generational curse:
What is a generational curse? Well, what is a curse? First of all, we’re not talking about some voodoo, spirituality thing. Curses are real. They are bad habits and wrong thinking. No one curses you; you curse yourself. Or, in the case of generational curses, your family curses you. But curses are not indestructible. They are not eternal or unavoidable. There are ways to break a generational curse.
Let’s talk examples. What are some generational curses that are common? Alcoholism, child abuse, drug addition, spouse abuse, inappropriate sexual urges, laziness, selfishness, divorce. There are many, many more. If your family has no history of this, if you are the only one with these problems, then you are not under a generational curse. However, if your family has a background in these, you are under a generational curse. What do I mean by that?
A generational curse is part nature and part nurture. Your DNA comes from your parents. They decide your color, your race, your hair, your height, and your health. They also affect your disposition and behaviors. How you are raised marks you just as much as whom you were born from. Not only are you born with certain tendencies, you are raised to accept or reject them.
But you’re an adult now. How you were raised doesn’t affect who you are now, right? Wrong. If you don’t comprehend that who you are now is linked to who your family is, you will never be able to break free of the curse. A generational curse is powerful because it is pervasive. If your parents did it, if your aunts and uncles and cousins did it, then it is no longer abnormal or appalling when you do it. It is just a normal part of life. That is how curses work. They trick you into believing they are ordinary, typical, or inevitable. But they are not.
So, how can you break a generational curse? First admit your own participation. Claim your own rebellion, repent of your own contribution. But you don’t want to do that. You want to claim that you’re just like your mother, so it’s not really your fault. Well, okay then, your kids are going to end up just like her, too. You are an adult now. Claim your own involvement in the curse so that you can overcome it. You can’t overcome what you won’t face.
Second, confess your family’s involvement. You will get nowhere by covering up the past. You must dig up the who and why and how and bring it to light. Even if the contributors are long dead and gone, the curse must be brought to the light so that it can be wiped away. It might be from your grandfather or great-grandfather, but it must be exposed and confessed. Only once the source is exposed will the curse be broken. The issue is not whether they are alive, but is their curse alive?
Generational curses can be huge. They can affect entire groups and races of people. They have affects in slavery and prejudice and family structure and it goes so, so deep. Entire countries can be based on generational curses and the problems that accompany them. So never think you are alone in this. This is not easy. You are breaking a chain; a chain that can have many, many links.
Author Bio
This Guest post is by Christine Kane from internet service providers, she is a graduate of Communication and Journalism. She enjoys writing about a wide-variety of subjects for different blogs. She can be reached via email at: Christi.Kane00@ gmail.com.
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Tags: Addiction, Addicts, At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Teen Addictions, Teen Addicts, Teen Depression, Teen Drinking, Teen drug addiction, Teen Help, Troubled Teens
Teens, Kids and DRUGS: Is it MIND OVER MATTER?
by Sue Scheff on Nov 07, 2011
NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) has created an extremely informative and educational website to keep parents, teachers, teens and kids informed on substances and all forms or mind altering drugs that are being used today.
Here is a snapshot to learn about the effects of drug abuse on the body and the brain.
Anabolic Steroids – Anabolic steroids are artificial versions of a hormone that’s in all of us — testosterone. Some people take anabolic steroid pills or injections to try to build muscle faster.
Cocaine – Cocaine is made from the leaf of the coca plant. It often comes in the form of a white powder that some people inhale through their nose. Another form of cocaine, known as crack, can be smoked.
Hallucinogens – Hallucinogens cause people to experience – you guessed it – hallucinations, imagined experiences that seem real.
Inhalants – Hair spray, gasoline, spray paint — they are all inhalants, and so are lots of other everyday products. Some people inhale the vapors on purpose.
Marijuana – You may have heard it called pot, weed, grass, ganja or skunk, but marijuana by any other name is still a drug that affects the brain.
Methamphetamine – Methamphetamine comes in many different forms and is snorted, swallowed, injected, or smoked. Methamphetamine can cause lots of harmful things, including inability to sleep, paranoia, aggressiveness, and hallucinations.
Opiates – Maybe you’ve heard of drugs called heroin, morphine or codeine. These are examples of opiates. If someone uses opiates again and again, his or her brain is likely to become dependent on them.
Prescription Drug Abuse – Abuse is when someone takes a prescription drug without a doctor’s prescription or in a way or amount that is different from what was prescribed. Abuse of prescription drugs can have serious and harmful health effects, including poisoning and even death.
Tobacco Addiction – When tobacco is smoked, nicotine is absorbed by the lungs and quickly moved into the bloodstream, where it is circulated throughout the brain.
Teacher’s Guide – The Teacher’s Guide is used in combination with the magazines in the series to promote an understanding of the physical reality of drug use, as well as curiosity about neuroscience.
Tags: drug facts, marijuana, NIDA, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Smoking Pot, Substance Abuse, Teen Drug Abuse, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens
Ecstasy: What is it? Is your teen using it?
by Sue Scheff on Oct 31, 2011
Does it start with marijuana? Advance to pills? On to needles?
There can be so many different paths your teen can take to the road to addiction, but the one path they need to realize is they don’t need to start to begin with. Understanding the risks and dangers is the beginning of teaching prevention.
October 31st through November 6th is National Drug Facts Week.
This is an opportunity to shatter the myths about drug and substance abuse as well as become an educated parent and build a stronger drug-free community.
What is ecstasy?
“Ecstasy” is a slang term for MDMA, short for 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine, a name that’s nearly as long as the all-night parties where MDMA is often used. That’s why MDMA has been called a “club drug.” It has effects similar to those of other stimulants, and it often makes the person feel like everyone is his or her friend, even when that’s not the case.
MDMA is man-made—it doesn’t come from a plant like marijuana does. Other chemicals or substances—such as caffeine, dextromethorphan (found in some cough syrups), amphetamines, PCP, or cocaine—are sometimes added to, or substituted for, MDMA in Ecstasy tablets. Makers of MDMA can add anything they want to the drug, so its purity is always in question.
What Are the Common Street Names?
There are a lot of slang words for MDMA. “Ecstasy” is one of the most common. You might also hear “E,” “XTC,” “X,” “Adam,” “hug,” “beans,” “clarity,” “lover’s speed,” and “love drug.”
How Is It Used?
Most people who abuse MDMA take a pill, tablet, or capsule. These pills can be different colors, and sometimes have cartoon-like images on them. Some people take more than one pill at a time, called “bumping.”
How Many Teens Use It?
According to a 2010 NIDA-funded study, over the past 10 years smart young teens have turned their backs on MDMA. Since 2001, the percentage of 8th graders who have ever tried MDMA dropped from 5.2 percent in 2001 to 3.3 percent in 2010. The drop among 10th graders and 12th graders was similar. However, between 2009 and 2010, some increases were seen in the abuse of MDMA by 8th and 10th graders. For example, past-year use of MDMA increased among 10th graders from 3.7 percent in 2009 to 4.7 percent in 2010. Also, fewer 10th graders saw “great risk” in occasionally using MDMA, which means that they may not understand the health risks of using MDMA as well as they should.
Is MDMA Addictive?
Like other drugs, MDMA can be addictive for some people. That is, people continue to take the drug despite experiencing unpleasant physical side effects and other social, behavioral, and health consequences.
No one knows how many times a person can use a drug before becoming addicted or who’s most vulnerable to addiction. A person’s genes, living environment, and other factors play a role in whether they are likely to become addicted to MDMA.
Learn more – click here.
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Tags: Addiction, At Risk Teens, Drug Addiction, Ecstasy, MDMA, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Help Programs, Teen Issues, Teen Rehab, Teen substance abuse, Troubled Teens
Teen Drinking Prevention: Alcohol Screening – Intervention for Youths
by Sue Scheff on Oct 25, 2011
If you manage the health and well-being of 9- to 18-year-olds, this Guide is for you.
“Alcohol Screening and Brief Intervention for Youth: A Practitioner’s Guide” is designed to help health care professionals quickly identify youth at risk for alcohol-related problems. NIAAA developed the Guide and Pocket Guide in collaboration with the American Academy of Pediatrics, a team of underage drinking researchers and clinical specialists, and practicing health care professionals.
Why use this tool?
- It can detect risk early: In contrast to other screens that focus on established alcohol problems, this early detection tool aims to help you prevent alcohol-related problems in your patients before they start or address them at an early stage.
- It’s empirically based: The screening questions and risk scale, developed through primary survey research, are powerful predictors of current and future negative consequences of alcohol use.
- It’s fast and versatile: The screen consists of just two questions, which can be incorporated easily into patient interviews or pre-visit screening tools across the care spectrum, from annual exams to urgent care.
- It’s the first tool to include friends’ drinking: The “friends” question will help you identify patients at earlier stages of alcohol involvement and target advice to include the important risk of friends’ drinking.
Download or order the Guide and pocket guide.
You may also be interested in related resources to support you, your patients, and their families
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Tags: Alcoholism, Parenting, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Help Programs, Teen Issues, Teenage Drinking, Teens Drinking
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