Sue Scheff: Overpraising Children – Is it a problem?
by Sue Scheff on Jun 12, 2010
What an interesting topic, and there are many opinions. When you watch reality shows, such as the Housewives (thinking of NJ Housewife, Theresa and her – in my opinion – over indulgence of her daughters) overpraising could create entitlement issues, possibly spoiled rotten brats…. 
A guest writer, Alvina Lopez, asked to share her recent article on this very topic. Enjoy! Form your own opinions and get talking…..
“The Problem with Overpraising Children”
Parenting, whether for good or ill, has changed tremendously over the past few decades. As a reaction to the 1950s, a time in our history when conformity and self-control were considered the foremost virtues in leading a successful and rewarding life, the following generation of parents became more concerned about their children’s self-esteem.
The worry that a child’s healthy mental development depends entirely on his or her sense of self-worth persists to this day. In the earlier part of the twentieth century, parental criticism supposedly instilled an ability to self-criticize. A society of overly critical parents, I believe, was taken to such an extreme that, sure enough, took its emotional toll on their children. Self-worth and -assuredness instead became neurotic self-doubt.
Now, however, the pendulum has swung to another level of extremism–sometimes parents feel obligated to praise their child at every turn. Of course, when children are younger, especially during those grade school years, encouragement is absolutely necessary in helping to construct a positive self-identity. But praise, just like criticism, has a way of becoming overwhelming. Once your child is confident enough to begin forming her own thoughts independent of what she is told from outside sources, it is absolutely critical that you nip overpraising in the bud.
Now why is overpraising so dangerous? The answer is really quite simple. Overpraise builds an unrealistic sense of self-worth. It further confirms a sentiment that is already held by teenagers in the first place–that they are the center of the world. What’s more, overpraise handicaps your child when she eventually takes flight into the real world. Being able to withstand criticism from others will become an impossible and painful experience. And let’s face it–as most adults know, criticism is something every single individual on this planet must endure at almost every stage of their lives. If you can’t take a few harsh words, then your ability to adapt to the constant vicissitudes of life is rapidly diminished.
And no parent, I firmly believe, would willfully deny their child the coping skills necessary in navigating our modern, complicated world. When you criticize your child in a rational manner, your child will eventually be able to thoughtfully evaluate herself, too. This mental process doesn’t destroy self-worth. Rather, it builds a strong foundation of self-confidence, coupled with an ability to think critically about the outside world.
By-line:
This guest post is written by Alvina Lopez, who frequently writes for the site accredited online colleges. She welcomes your comments & questions at her email Id: alvina.lopez@gmail.com.
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff
Sue Scheff: Teens and Entitlement Issues
by Sue Scheff on Jul 22, 2009
Does your teen have Entitlement Issues?
Does your teen expect more from you than they have earned or deserve?
Many parents only want the best for their children (usually more than they had growing up), but has this actually backfired on families?
In today’s society many teens have major entitlement issues. Many parents feel that giving their teen’s material items will somehow earn them respect. Quite frankly, the opposite occurs in most families. The more we give, the more our children expect and the less they respect us. We literally lose ourselves in buying our children’s love. At the end of the day, no one wins and life is a constant battle of anger, hopelessness, and debt.
While interviewing a young teen, she was given a new car – brand new – felt she deserved it since her parents gave her two used ones previously. She is only 17 years old and already controlling her household and believes she was entitled to this car. She shows no appreciation or respect to her parents. Simply, she deserved it. Can you imagine owning 3 cars by the age of 17, yet never buying one? This is an extreme example, but I am sure many parents can relate.
Entitlement issues can lead to serious problems. Teaching your child respect and responsibility should be priority. Although the issues may have started to escalate, as a parent, it is never too late to take control of the situation and say “no” when your teen feels they are entitled to a frivolous item or anything that is considered a privilege.
Life is about responsibility, as parents we need to teach our children responsibility – helping our children comes natural to us, however when it becomes excessive and the child doesn’t appreciate it, it is time to step back and evaluate your situation.
Visit www.helpyourteens.com
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Spoiled Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Entitlement Issues, Teen Help, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Teens Are Having Plastic Surgery In Record Numbers
by Sue Scheff on Jul 11, 2009
Another favorite Parenting Blog site is Tangerine Times and what a great article about teens. This week I found one extremely interesting and can’t help but think that all of today’s desire to look like the next Hollywood Celeb or fit in with a peer group, isn’t driving this latest trend. Check out this article by Tangerine Times (Myrna Lantzsch), and read their other up-to-date parenting tips!
Source: Tangerine Times
Teens are having more plastic surgery.
I’m not talking about reconstructive surgery, I’m talking about plastic surgery for cosmetic reasons: Breast enhancement. Botox. You know — procedures that are supposed to “improve” one’s looks and, many people assume, bolster one’s self esteem.
According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the number of plastic surgery procedures (among teens 18 and younger) has increased from 59,890 in 1997 to more than 205,119 in 2007. That number includes surgical procedures such as breast reduction and nonsurgical procedures such as laser hair removal, micro-dermabrasion and chemical peels. Nearly 8,000 breast augmentation procedures were performed on females 18 and younger in 2007. The most frequently performed surgical procedure among teens was otoplasty (having ears pinned or reshaped).
In “Real Girls, Real Pressure: A National Report on the State of Self-Esteem”, a survey of more than 1,000 girls in the United States showed that 70 percent of girls ages 8 to 17 believed that they “are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.” Distressing, yes? If you combine this information with the information about plastic surgery increasing…well, you see where I’m going.
Forget the word cosmetic and remember the word surgery.
Teens bodies are still changing. Their facial skeletal structure is still changing. Is it possible that what bothers them today will change and NOT bother them when they reach adult-hood? I would just raise this issue and ask if we are projecting our definition of adult beauty onto younger and younger girls (and boys). Here are some other articles on this subject you might be interested in:
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Body Image, Teen Issues, Teen Self Esteem
Sue Scheff: Family Interaction Nutures Kids (FINK)
by Sue Scheff on Jun 06, 2009
What a cool website and Blog to help educate parents with the latest news and tips on parenting! Of course, the inviting colors and feeling of this site makes it easy reading and understanding. The following is a great article that I know many of us will be able to relate to. Enjoy!
Parenting Teens Tip Six – What to do when your teen says, “It’s not fair!”
By Sarah Newton
Doesn’t this one just drive you mad! I can tell you what though, a “life isn’t fair” answer will certainly not tame these outbursts. What you have to do here is call their bluff.
Generally their claims of, “It’s not fair” really means, “you are not giving me what I want! I am not getting what I want and I am angry and cross about it. I think you are not listening to me or understanding my point of view. That frustrates me and makes me think you are not being fair.”
So now you know what they really mean, you can do something about it.
The first option is to get it before it even raises its ugly head.
Here is the common situation as I see it so often. Teenager asks for something like, “Mum, can I go out tonight?” Without a second though the parents says no and the teenager storms out with a torrent of, “it’s not fair!” Really, I mean they could have a point, have you really listened to them? I heard someone say recently that if you look at the word listen, the last three letters say ten and we should be listening ten times more than we are talking. So there is a lesson for you in itself.
So, the first thing to do is to listen, not to trigger the behaviour. If they ask you if they can go out or have friends over, just take a moment to think about the answer. If you want to say no why do you want to say no? Is it because you are tired? You want to spend some time with them tonight? You have no food in the cupboards? They don’t do what they say when their friends are over? They keep you up all night? – What is it?
When you have got clear here, you can then move on. Instead of saying no you are going to say yes, but that does not mean that they get things their own way. Here is how it works.
“I would love to have your friends over, however I am really tired at the moment and when they are here you keep us awake all night. Let’s look at doing it another night and see how this can work for everyone.” Do you see how we have taken the resistance away, so a “not fair” in unlikely to come out. We have stated what we wanted and offered a solution. Notice too how I did not use the word “but”. I want you to take it out your vocabulary when talking to your teenager. Use “and” or “however”; these words will move the situation forward more.
If you use this method the “it’s not fair” is unlikely to surface. You just need to carry on listening and attempting to find solutions that work for both of you.
However, if this does not work or you don’t take this route, you can always challenge what they are saying. If they say, “it’s not fair”, ask them what they think is unfair about the situation. Tell them that you are trying to understand their point of view and would really appreciate them sharing. You can even challenge them, asking if it was really what they wanted to say, or were they just frustrated at not getting their own way?
The key, as I stated before with this one, is not to react, but call their bluff. They will soon realise that their “its not fair” is not getting them what they want and will eventually give it up as a bad job.
Tags: Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff – Holiday Times – Do Teens Understand Today’s Economy?
by Sue Scheff on Dec 24, 2008
Layoffs Impact Christmas
Source: Connect with Kids
“It’s very, very tight at the end of the month.”
– Tom Hannaford, unemployed father
The telephone rings in Tom Hannaford’s in-home office. “Visual Solutions. Tom Hannaford,” he answers.
Hannaford is an independent contractor, but he is currently out of work.
“It’s really, really slow,” Hannaford says. “That little extra cushion that I bring in is not there, so it’s very, very tight at the end of the month.”
Hannaford has tried to shield his children from his troubles, but they still understand on a very basic level what’s happening.
“He’s looking for another job because nobody has any work for him to do,” his 9-year old daughter Mary says.
It has been a tough year for the American workforce. More than 10 million people are out of work, hundreds of thousands of them laid off since the recession began last September.
For many people, the loss of a job translates into a less plentiful holiday season.
“We’re gonna make the sacrifices that we have to make to get them some special things,” Hannaford says. “Would we get them as many things as we might otherwise? Maybe not.”
Layoffs can be stressful and scary for adults and children. Experts suggest that parents explain their job situation to their children. Open and honest communication can be reassuring. As far as the holiday season is concerned: Focus on the family, not the gifts.
“Make it exciting for them to have this time together,” advises psychiatrist Dr. John Lochridge. “Downplay the gifts … and the activities become substitutes for gifts that are actually more valuable.”
However tight times are, experts tell parents to stay positive because their children are watching and learning.
“The kids need to see that you’re not giving up. You’re gonna keep trying,” Dr. Lochridge says.
Hannaford remains hopeful. “I’ve got enough faith to know that something’s out there. Something will come my way, and the economy hopefully is gonna turn around.”
Tips for Parents
Will the recession cause Americans to spend less on their children’s presents this Christmas? According to a recent survey by the American Research Group, the answer is yes. The average projected spending for this year is $431, down just 50 percent from last year.
Unemployment is difficult for the entire family, especially during the Christmas season. A laid-off textile worker in Georgia told the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL-CIO), “The thing I hated most was telling my kids that things are going to be a little tight for awhile.” If you find yourself without a job this Christmas, the AFL-CIO offers some advice to keep in mind:
Your spouse and children may feel as helpless as you do.
Talk about your problems and plans with your family.
Children generally sense tension in the home. Explain your unemployment situation to them, and include them in developing your plans to deal with it.
Plan and work together as a family to reduce household costs.
Children can help by delaying requests for expensive extras.
By working a part-time job on weekends, teens can help reduce their parents’ financial pressure. This enables each member of the family to take positive steps to help.
Receiving fewer presents at Christmas may leave some children feeling deprived and depressed. However, parents can remind their children that Christmas is not just a season of receiving; it’s also a time of giving. Children may feel better about their own situation if they focus on ways to help others who are less fortunate. Consider these ideas to help children learn about the importance of giving:
Encourage your children to choose one item from their Christmas or birthday wish lists and donate it to a less-fortunate child.
Help your children donate a portion of their allowances and birthday money to the charity of their choice.
Instead of exchanging duplicate gifts, have children donate one of the items to charity.
Organize a food drive in your neighborhood. Even small children can help deliver and collect bags.
Organize a toy, book or clothing drive.
Help your children write letters or draw pictures to mail to the elderly or others in town who are not able to get out much.
Volunteer to read to the blind.
Walk, brush, feed and clean pets at a rescue shelter.
As a family, spend some time volunteering at a food kitchen. Let children help fix plates and clear the tables.
Work together to make baked goods as a donation to a church, community or charity fair.
Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. Volunteers are needed to build, paint, cook and serve food.
Visit a local nursing home and “Adopt a Grandparent.” Newborns and toddlers can come along to provide company and lots of hugs. Older children can read to residents and put on plays or skits.
References
AFL-CIO
American Research Group, Inc.
The Gallup organization
Tags: Parenting Teens, Parenting Teens Today, Sue Scheff, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Teen Entitlement Issues – Holidays are Here!
by Sue Scheff on Nov 26, 2008
Does your teen have Entitlement Issues?
Does your teen expect more from you than they have earned or deserve?
Many parents only want the best for their children (usually more than they had growing up), but has this actually backfired on families?
In today’s society many teens have major entitlement issues. Many parents feel that giving their teen’s material items will somehow earn them respect. Quite frankly, the opposite occurs in most families. The more we give, the more our children expect and the less they respect us. We literally lose ourselves in buying our children’s love. At the end of the day, no one wins and life is a constant battle of anger, hopelessness, and debt.
While interviewing a young teen, she was recently given a new car – brand new – felt she deserved it since her parents gave her two used ones previously. She is only 17 years old and already controlling her household and believes she was entitled to this car. She shows no appreciation or respect to her parents. Simply, she deserved it. Can you imagine owning 3 cars by the age of 17, yet never buying one? This is an extreme example, but I am sure many parents can relate.
Entitlement issues can lead to serious problems. Teaching your child respect and responsibility should be priority. Although the issues may have started to escalate, as a parent, it is never too late to take control of the situation and say “no” when your teen feels they are entitled to a frivolous item or anything that is considered a privilege.
Life is about responsibility, as parents we need to teach our children responsibility – helping our children comes natural to us, however when it becomes excessive and the child doesn’t appreciate it, it is time to step back and evaluate your situation.
Learn more at www.helpyourteens.com
Tags: At Risk Teens, Spoiled Teens, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Entitlement Issues, Teen Help, Teen Issues
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