Loving Your Teen To Death
by Sue Scheff on Aug 26, 2011
Don't be a parent in denial.
After watching Dr. Drew on HLN last evening, as he explained to his guest (a mother) that has a young adult struggling with alcoholism, ‘she can’t save him‘, and having that thought process is not helping him. Only he can help himself. Many parents have a misconception of Tough Love, as Dr. Drew explained. You can literally love your child to death. You can actually do more harm when you believe you are helping or saving your child.
Parent Denial: It Only Hurts Your Teen and Puts Them at Serious Risk
Parents in denial is probably one of the most common threads many teens have while they are smoking a joint or popping a pill – even downing the cough syrup. Many parents think their teen is not the bad child – it is the ones they are hanging with – or simply doesn’t exist.
Being a parent in denial doesn’t help anyone, not even the parent. Since eventually it does catch up with you and you find yourself dealing with a teen that is escalating out of control or worse, on a road to becoming an addict.
We hear these common excuses from parents when they call us for help:
- My teen is so smart! His/her IQ is superior, but they are not working up to their potential. (Also known as, underachieving)
- My teen is so beautiful/handsome – good looking – even has many friends. (Of course, the peer group has changed and you don’t know why.)
- My teen is very athletic! He/she made the varsity team at a young age, has won all sorts of awards, but now has dropped out (or kicked off a team) and has zero interest in this sport. (Major red flag).
- It’s not my kid, it is the kids he/she is hanging out with! (Really, do you understand your teen has free will and is choosing to hang with these kids?)
- It’s only pot! (Really, do you realize that marijuana today is not like generations prior. Marijuana is being laced with higher levels of PCP, as well as even heroin). It is not only pot, it is serious.
The irony of these comments are, they are calling us, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, for help, but when we recommend resources, many fall back to their “hope and a prayer” that this is only a phase. While some teens do straighten up, most don’t – and the problems get worse.
Typical teen behavior? Maybe, but do you want to risk not getting them help if it is more than typical teen behavior?
Major misconception of parents: Almost all parents that contact us have that next Einstein or Dan Marino (the mother on Dr. Drew last night even used the most common phrase, ‘my son is highly intelligent’, which may be true, but using drugs or other substances is not too smart), but the fact they are either changing friends, smoking pot, not attending classes or school at all, wanting to drop out of school all together and just get a GED, are all signs you are heading down a very negative path. This road usually escalates before it gets better.
As a mother that dealt with a challenging teenage daughter, I know the feeling of facing the fact you can’t do this alone. My daughter was that athlete, she was popular, she was beautiful and I always said – “well, at least she never did drugs.” Boy was I wrong.
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In my book, Wit’s End! Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen, published by Health Communications, Inc, I wrote my thoughts and feelings at the time my daughter was 14 years-old. However when you reach the chapter she wrote, you soon realize that mom (myself) didn’t know it all!
When local therapy isn’t working, you exhausted all your local resources, you have now come to realize an intervention is needed. Residential therapy is a big step, both emotionally and financially.
Another major misconception among parents is they are looking for a Military School or Boot Camp to straighten up their teen.
- Military Schools are a privilege and honor to attend. Your child needs to be accepted usually with an essay of why they want to attend as well as a good GPA. If your teen is forced to attend and gets expelled, you will very likely forfeit your tuition.
- Boot Camps and Wilderness Programs are short term programs that offer short term results (if any at all). Many parents believe that 6-8 weeks is going to resolve a year or more worth of issues. These types of programs are band-aids that quickly fall off shortly after the teen arrives back home. Most Wilderness Programs recommend a Residential Therapy program following their 6-8 weeks. Consistency is key, finding the right program from start to finish has proven most beneficial.
Looking for the best residential program and/or school for your individual teen is challenging. It is critical we don’t place your teen out of their element. Finding the right balance make take time, but it is worth it and can lead to a brighter future for your child.
Learn more about residential programs by visiting http://www.HelpYourTeens.com.
Most importantly, don’t be a parent in denial – be proactive!
I will Blog more about how to find sound residential therapy as well as letting you know, you are not alone!
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Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Help, Parenting Teens, Struggling Teens, Substance Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Abuse, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Tough Love, Troubled Teens, Wits End
Difficult Teens: Are You a Desperate Parent Looking for Help with Your Teenager?
by Sue Scheff on Aug 06, 2011
At any given moment, a parent in need of help with their child can make some very rash and costly mistakes.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you feel that you are at your wits end?
2. Do you feel you or your family is in danger?
3. Do you feel like something needs to be done now?
4. Do you feel out of control with your child’s actions?
5. Do you feel out of control with yourself?
6. Do you feel hopeless and no one will understand?
7. Do you feel completely alone in dealing with this child?
8. Do you feel you lack the capability to make the right decision?
9. Do you feel your child is running your life and the household?
10. Do you feel Desperate?
Are you at your wit's end?
The feelings of desperation are very real and very painful, however it is not the time to make rash decisions. In most cases, the dysfunction has taken months if not years, to come to pass. It will not be resolved in an instant decision to “send your child away” the quickest and easiest way. This is the most important time to stop, think, research, evaluate and conclude what is best for your child and family.
If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, it is time to reflect and begin planning your alternatives. It is not time to make any decisions. We feel that if you are working with a Psychologist, Therapist or Doctor, they should always be consulted first. Once it is determined residential treatment is needed, it is time for your research to start.
Information and resources will be a valuable asset. When calling the schools and programs, be sure they are looking for your child’s best interest. Any program that is quick to enroll your child is not in your best interest. Always keep notes, and document every conversation. When contacting a program; does the Admissions Director ask you questions about your child or do the go directly into how their program can help them? How do they know they can help, if they haven’t taken the time to listen to your child’s needs?
As a parent, your heart and gut will tell you when you have found the right placement for your child. Again, the advice of a Professional (i.e. Doctor) is always beneficial, but not always the end result. Most Doctor’s are not familiar with the many residential treatments centers throughout the country, but can give you advice as to what your child’s needs are.
In some cases urgency is needed. Especially with some legal matters, however many can go into a local Adolescent Psychiatric Hospital for 2-3 days (usually insurance paid) until you can do your homework. Make the most of the 24-36 hours with your research. This can buy you time to find the most appropriate placement for your child.
When your search starts, use caution to a desperate sales person. Many Admissions Personnel are paid per enrollment. Although everyone is entitled to make a living, when it comes to your child, there should be a division. It is more beneficial to speak with a program owner, Director or therapist at the facility. These people are usually not sales people and want their program to succeed. They will screen their potential students to be sure they are a fit for their program.
Parents’ Universal Resource Experts does not engage with admissions and/or enrollments. We always encourage parents to contact the programs directly to determine if the program is appropriate for your child’s needs. We do, however help educated you in this “big business” of teen help.
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Tags: At Risk Teens, bad choices, Defiant Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Problem Teens, Teen Issues, Therapeutic Boarding Schools, Troubled Teens, Wilderness Programs
Troubled Teens and Teen Help for Parents
by Sue Scheff on Feb 28, 2011
Parents of at-risk teens have many common thoughts, here are some of them:
My daughter is so smart, she is highly intelligent.
My son is extremely handsome, very athletic and always had lots of friends.
My daughter is beautiful, was the captain of her cheerleading team etc….
My son has an IQ of 170, yet is failing.
My daughter wants to drop out of high school.
My son wants to get his GED and is not attending school.
My daughter made the varsity team and yet dropped out.
My son was swim captain and now was asked to leave the team. (He was caught with pot, but said it was his friends.
My daughter smokes pot, but it is only recreational.
My son likes to drink beer, but it isn’t all the time.
Excuses for parents:
It is the friends he/she is hanging with.
The teacher doesn’t like my son/daughter.
The school has zero tolerance.
His father isn’t around enough.
The coach expects too much.
If it wasn’t for this one neighbor, we wouldn’t have these issues.
Okay, these lists could go on for a long time but at the end of the day, week, month, year – it is YOUR son/daughter making the choice to hang with a certain friend, be a part of an undesirable peer group, and smoke that joint with a swig of alcohol!
Parents that continue to live in this ship of denial will end up with many regrets.
Parent that believe that sending their teen to a residential therapy program for help is a sign of their (the parent’s) failure, are very much mistaken.
Parents that hope and pray things will change – we only wish them the best, in some (very rare) situations, it will get better.
Parents that believe changing schools will make a difference, think twice.
Parents that literally move and believe things will change with a fresh start, think again.
Like adults that attempt to run from their problems, your teens are no different. If they are struggling now, chances are very good they will be struggling shortly after the change again.
HelpYourTeens.com
You are not a failure, this is not your fault – and it is time to stop the blaming and start the healing. After exhausting all your local resources – it may be time to find outside help, and that can mean residential.
True, you don’t want to put your teen in a program that houses hard-core teens, but it is also true you need to find a program that has strong emotional growth (clinical), fully accredited academically (don’t miss out on an education), as well as the critical component of enrichment programs. You need to find the passion in your teen to help stimulate them to a positive direction in life.
Learn more by visiting www.helpyourteens.com.
Residential Treatment Centers (RTC), Therapeutic Boarding Schools (TBS), Emotional Growth Programs, Wilderness Programs, State Funded Programs, Programs for Low-Income, Boot Camps, Scared Straight Programs, Tough Love, Summer Camps, Short Term Programs, Traditional Boarding Schools, Military Schools, Reform Schools, JAIL.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Resources, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens, Wits End
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