Sue Scheff: How Kids Learn – eBook Now Available for FREE
by Sue Scheff on Jul 25, 2010
This is fantastic news – a great eBook being offered for FREE – and just before school opens!
How Kids Learn
Tips to Facilitate Top-Notch Learning
More4Kids was selling this, but they decided that knowledge like this should be given to all parents. Information on how to get this eBook free will be available very soon. Its their way of giving back to the Parenting community.
Over 75 pages of jam packed information. This is in eBook format and will be delivered in PDF format.
We all want our children to succeed at what they do. By understanding how kids learn and process information we can help motivate our kids by creating an optimal learning environment. This is not only a great resource to help your kids learn better, but is also a great tool for the home-school environment. This eBook is over 75 pages long. You will learn the following:
- Learning Styles & Preferences
- Information Processing
- What Research Shows
- What Motivates Children
- Creating an Optimal Learning Environment
- How We Process Our World
- What Do We Arrive With?
- Recognizing Temperaments and Processes
- Learning Styles & Preferences
- From Infancy To Preschool Years
- Motivation
- How Motivation Begins
- How Does Motivation Work?
- What Encourages School-Age Children?
- Parents, The Motivating Factors
- Teaching Methods that Motivate
- The Millionaire’s Mindset
- Learning Environment & Activities
- Success Factors in Early Learning Environments
- Varied Teaching/Learning Approaches
- Critical Thinking
- Mentoring or private instruction
- Managing Stress & Emotionality
- What Stresses Children?
- Coping Skills and Resilience
Learn more at http://www.more4kids.info/.
Tags: parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff
Sue Scheff: Teen Girls, Stress and Getting High
by Sue Scheff on Jul 01, 2010
This is another fantastic and educational guest Blog by Parenting Expert, Michele Borba. As this first summer holiday weekend approaches, be an educated parent when it comes to raising your teenager.
Teen girls-more than boys-get high to cope with home stress. Nine research-based tips to curb a troubling trend
By Michele Borba
Think drinking is only a “boy” problem? Just-released data from the Partnership for a Drug-Free America may make you think again. The survey results on 3287 teens in grades nine through twelve reveal a troubling trend—especially for girls. And why kids are getting high is particularly disturbing. Study highlights include:
- More than two-thirds of teen girls admit using drugs to help them cope with stress at home
- Half of the girls said that drugs help them forget their troubles
- Teens state a key reason for drug and alcohol use is as a way to “escape for a short period of time”
- Research found alcohol and marijuana use increasing in boys and girls alike
Key Findings from the 2009 Partnership Attitude Tracking Survey (Get Smart About Drugs)
Teen Alcohol Use
53% of girls: in 2008
59% of girls: in 2009
50% of boys: in 2008
52% of boys: in 2009
Teen Marijuana Use
28% of girls: in 2008
39% of girls: in 2009
34% of boys: in 2008
39% of boys: in 2009
Make no mistake: Teen substance abuse is a serious health problem with devastating consequences. If there is a ray of hope it’s this: Research also shows that the reason most frequently quoted by kids for not drinking is their desire not to harm the relationship they have with their parents. Hint: A parent’s caring, involved relationship with their child is the best solution to underage drinking.
Here are research-based tips from the chapter on Drinking in my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. Please use them so you can use your influence and turn this troubling trend around.
9 Parenting Solutions to Turn A Troubling Youth Trend Around
1. Get savvy. Please don’t use a “Not my kid” kind of attitude. Forget the “He’s too young” or “Not my daughter!” attitude as well. Teen drinking and substance abuse is a growing problem that we simply can’t ignore. Kids are taking their first drink at younger ages. Drinking amongst the girl scene is also increasing. We all need to take a reality check.
2. Be a good model of restraint. Teens get their views about alcohol from watching your behavior and listening to your comments. This research also is a warning that we not glamorize alcohol or say we’re using pills or alcohol as a way to unwind, “I sure could use a drink!” The research shows that teen girls in particular are getting high as a way to cope. Beware!
3. Set clear rules against drinking and drugs. Feel free to be puritanical and strict. Consistently enforcing those rules and monitor your kid’s behavior all help reduce the likelihood of underage drinking. A study of over 1000 teens found that kids with “hands on” parents who establish clear behavior expectations, monitor their comings and goings, and aren’t afraid to says no are four times less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking. Be a parent, not a pal.
4. Start those talks earlier and talk often. You must talk to your child about drinking and the earlier the better. Before age nine, kids usually perceive alcohol negatively and see drinking as “bad” with negative consequences. By around the age of thirteen kids views of alcohol, change and become more positive and harder to change. Some kids are experimenting with drinking as young as ten or eleven. It’s never too early to start this talk, so don’t put it off.
5. Watch out for TV advertising. Long-term studies show that kids who see, hear and read more alcohol ads are more likely to drink and drink heavier than their peers. A study with third, sixth and ninth graders found those who alcohol ads desirable are also more likely to view drinking more positively. Use those frequently-aired beer and vodka commercials during those ballgames you’re watching together as opportunities to discuss your values, concerns, and rules about drinking and pill popping.
6. Dispel the “quick fix” myth. The increase use of prescription drugs as well as cold medications amongst teens is also a growing and serious problem. Those TV commercials can give kids a very wrong impression: “The quick fix to any problem is a pill.” Calvina Fay, executive director of the Drug Free America Foundation points out, “We’ve become a society that basically says, “If things aren’t perfect in your life, take a pill. This cause our young people to see drugs as an answer.” Instead, we must help our kids grow strong from the inside-out. Boost authentic self-esteem. Get her involved in healthy activities. Turn him on to positive peers. Keep a strong relationship.
7. Reduce stress and teach coping strategies. The 2009 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) found that stress is the main reason teen girls are using drugs. Girls also related that they are using drugs as a way to cope with problems at home. (This confirms research from varying sources showing teen stress is mounting as well as teen depression). Keep a lid on the stress at home. Find ways to cope as a family (walking, exercising, eating healthier, sticking to a sleep routine). Teach coping strategies and stress reducers to your teen (yoga, deep breathing, stress management techniques).
8. Get on board with other parents. Forty-one percent of boys in the report responded: “parties are more fun with drugs” (an increase from 34% in 2008). More than half also reported that drugs help them relax in social settings. Know your kid’s friends and their parents. Call any parent hosting a party to ensure they are really supervising those sleepovers or parties.
A word to the wise: 99 percent of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their kid’s party, though 28 percent of teens say they have been at supervised parties where alcohol is available. Ninety-eight percent of parents say they are present at teen parties at their home, but 33 percent of teens say parents are rarely or never at teen parties. Though the teen party scene maybe several years away, get to know those parents now. They will be hosting those parties your child may be attending in just a few short years.
9. Watch the home scene. More kids take their first drink at your home or at the home of their friends. In fact, 60 percent of eighth graders say it is fairly or very easy to obtain alcohol-and the easiest place is in their own home. Count those bottles in your liquor cabinets. Lock up your liquor supply (and don’t tell your kids where the key is). Check your credit card: the hottest new place kids buy alcohol is on the Internet. Watch your medicine cabinet (abuse of prescription drugs, cold and cough syrup medication is on the rise). Stay alert!
Get educated. Stay involved! And know you do make a difference!
Now go talk to your kids.
GO!
Michele Borba is the author of over 25 books, her latest and one of her best is The Big Book of Parenting Solutions! There isn’t a parenting topic she doesn’t discuss.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Michele Borba, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Books, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Teen Stress
Sue Scheff: Staying Connected with Your Teen or Tween is Not Always Easy, Quick Tips from Parenting Expert, Michele Borba
by Sue Scheff on Jun 18, 2010
Michele Borba writes another great article on a topic almost every parent with a teen or tween will benefit from! Don’t miss the 10-part series inside her latest and greatest book, Big Book of Parenting Solutions.
10 Secrets to Stay Connected-Even Civil-With Your T(w)een
By Michele Borba
Last year your daughter was so sweet, suddenly she has an “attitude.”
Two months ago your son was your best bud, now he treats you like you’re totally “uncool.”
Welcome to the world of parenting an adolescent. Throw out any of those child-rearing manuals you’ve used in the past. For the tween to teen ages you need a whole new perspective. Mark Twain offered one of most ingenious solutions: “Put them in a barrel,” he said, then and nail it shut until they turn nineteen. Only then should you let them out.”
Of course we know that staying connected with our kids is critical. Yep, we intuitively know that the strongest indicator of whether our kids are less likely to engage in risky behaviors is the strength of that relationship. But how do you connect with a moody kid? And how do you converse with a species who seems to only have “uh huh” and “don’t know” in his vocabulary. There are secrets and some of them actually work. The trick is to find the one solution that works best for you and your teen and then keep on using it until it becomes the common bridge that helps you stay connected.
10 Tips to Boost Your Connection With a Teen
Here are a few more realistic (and legal) tips I shared on the TODAY show that might help you save your sanity and stay connected with your teen.
1. Know They’re A Little Bit Crazy. If you think you suddenly have an alien in your midst, applaud yourself. You’re right. Research shows that at no other time in your teen’s life will his body be undergoing so many physical, cognitive and emotional changes. So alter your parenting to fit this new kid living in your house.
2. Get Educated! You’ve read all those baby books and mastered child development 101. Make sure you know about normal teen development as well. The more you understand typical adolescent behavior, the better you’ll be at tailoring your parenting to this “new tenant” of yours. Invest in one great book about teens, attend those parenting workshops your school puts on, do a little more of an internet search on adolescent development.
3. Don’t Overreact. You’re not imagining that those mood swings: Your teen’s quick-fire emotion switches show up on brain scans. Teens experience feelings more intensely and often overreact because they think we’re upset or angry. So try these tips:
- Count to three (at least) before you talk to a teen (and even then .. do so carefully!)
- Stay calm. Take a lot of deep slow breaths.
- Slow your pace and honor the silence.(Teens acutally need more processing time!
- Lower your voice, don’t raise it.
- Clarify emotions: “Are you thinking I’m mad because I’m not.” (New research show that teens have trouble with emotional identification and may misinterpret our fatigue with anger. So let your child know how you really feel.
- Bite your tongue! Nothing turns a teen (or anyone else for that matter) off faster than judgmental comments and criticism.
- Take a time out: “I need a moment to get it together.”
4. Pick Battles Carefully. Teens will be more defiant and will take issue with things they don’t consider fair. They will argue. In a few years they’re going to be out on their own and their need to be “independent” or at least treated as an adult are paramount. Do think through what is not negotiable.You don’t want to argue every little issue so select those issues you really do care about and will not buckle. Then let minor issues go. For instance: Obeying curfew is your major; cleaning her room is your minor. Hint: I personally would never negotiate anything that would jeopardize my teen’s safety or our family values. But that’s me. The secret is to identify your major-will never bend type-issues and rules. Then stay firm!
5. Find a Common Connector–ANYTHING! Finding ways to stay connected and involved in your teen’s life is your goal. National surveys say our teens do want us in their lives (Really! Honest!) and need our guidance. The key is to find the balance between being too involved and backing away too much. For instance, try tailoring your conversation around your teen’s interests: her CD collection, his baseball card, her TV show. It might be a great entrée to what’s really going on in her life. Hint: Research shows where the generation gap is least: music! Today’s parents and teens are sharing the same CD collections. This one I know — I’m missing half of mine.
6. Get with it! If you really consider yourself “not with it” about the teen scene then peruse a current teen magazine–Seventeen, Teen People, CosmoGirl– and casually bring up “So what do you think about that (name his favorite band) concert?” Instant credibility boost. (My teens were blown away when their Granny could name–and discuss-their favorite bands. So was I!)
7. Use technology! Have your teen teach you how to text and then send text messages to each other. Ask your teen to show you how to load your ipod. The secret is to get into your teen’s world! And by the way, teens say texting is their preferred way of communicating — even with their parents.
8. Go to your teen’s zone. If you want some one-on-one talking time with your kid, then go to a place your teen enjoys: a mall, the batting cage, the golf range, Starbucks. Chances are she will be more relaxed because she’s in her territory and just might be more likely to open up.
9. Hold an evening “meet and greet.” Don’t let your teen’s activity schedule stand in the way of connecting. Find a time such at 9:30 pm when the family stops and meets in the kitchen for five minutes to reconnect. Ask about their schedule and any needs. Find out how their day went. Give a snack and a back rub.
10. Name your feelings. New research shows that adolescents (boys and tweens in particular) actually have a tougher time “reading” facial expressions. They often mix emotions such as “angry” with “tired.” And that misinterpretation can sabotage your relationship. Just label your real emotion, “I know you think I look upset, but I’ve just really had a bad day at work and I’m pooped.”
11. Befriend their friend’s parents. This one can be a goldmine. Have a BBQ. Invite the mom for coffee. Start up a Mom-Daughter Book Club. Offer to coach and get to know the other dads and moms. Adolescents will pull away from us. The trick is to find ways to stay “in” their lives. One way to do so: get to know your kids friends (that goes without saying) and then get to know their parents.
Above all: DON’T GIVE UP!!! If you need to communicate via a white board or post-its, do it! Keep showing up and letting your teen know you’re there for him. Remember, in just a few years that teen will be gone and you’ll wonder where the time went. (Really! I promise!!!)
For more secrets and tips to help you boost your relationship with your child, turn to the issues on Doesn’t Listen and Communication in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries or check my website, micheleborba. You can also follow me on twitter @micheleborba
Tags: Communication, Michele Borba, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Books, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Talk
Sue Scheff: How do we get our teens to listen?
by Sue Scheff on Jun 15, 2010
My good friend and Parenting Expert, Dr. Michele Borba is my guest Blogger today. She has written the most incredible article about getting our kids to listen!!!
15 Tips to Get Kids to Listen the First Time
Here are tips to tune up your child’s listening skills from Michele Borba’s book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers To Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.
- Model good listening. Kids can’t learn to be good listeners if they don’t have good models to copy. So make sure you show your kids what you expect them to do by being a good listener yourself. Show them that you listen to your spouse, your friends, and most importantly, to them. An old proverb is a great reminder: “We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.” Listen to your kid twice as much as you talk!
- Avoid “listening stoppers.” Three words: “You,” “If” and “Why” said at the beginning of a direction can frequently cause a kid to go on automatic tune-out. “You” sets your message up to assault your child’s character: “You never listen.” “If” sends a threatening tone: “If you don’t do what I ask….” “Why” expects your child to explain his behavior and he may be clueless: “Why aren’t you listening?” So just remove “you, if and why” from your requests and you’ll be more likely to have your kid tune in and comply.
- Attention first, then talk. If your kid is not listening, first get her attention and make sure she’s looking at you before you speak. You might lift your kid’s chin up gently so she looks into your eyes, squat down to her level, or give a verbal cue to get their attention. “Please, look at me and listen to what I have to say.”
- Talk eye to eye. Give your request when you’re eyeball to eyeball. You’re more likely to have your child’s full attention.
- Lower your voice and speak slower. Nothing turns a kid off faster then yelling, so do the opposite: talk softer not louder. Or try even whispering. It usually catches the kid off guard and he stops to listen. Teachers have used this strategy for years because it works.
- Know child development. Tailor your directions to your child’s attention span and cognitive abilities.
- Be clear. Make sure you tell your child exactly what you want him to do. Use declarative statements. “Please make your bed before you go outside.” Or: “You need to get ready to go to school now.”
- Be short and sweet. Limiting your request to fewer words also helps. Sometimes saying one word does the trick: “Homework!” or “Chores!” (You can just write the word on a post-it and put it on the TV: “BED!”
- Tell, don’t ask. Be sure you don’t phrase your request as a question or a suggestion. If you want your child to comply then tell, don’t ask. The best way to get compliance is to give a short, clear direction that ends with a period. (I’ve worked with many parents who use question marks “Would you like to go to bed now?” Use a period to make it a simple command.
- Get active. If time is of the essence or your child needs you to “jump start” him into action, don’t say anything. Just gently grab his hand and take him to where you want him to go.
- Give a little leeway. Interrupting an involved child can lead to resistance. So if you see your child is really engrossed in something legitimate (her homework, texting his friend about homework, his Lego construction), have some flexibility. Wait until you see your child is a little less engaged in the task. Then say your request. Just ensure that your child doesn’t take advantage of the situation. (If he appears legitimately engrossed in an activity, give a time limit: “I need your attention in a minute.”
- Expect compliance. If you’ve been saying those directions two, three or four times then you’re training your kid that he doesn’t have to pay attention. You’ll just keep repeating yourself. So use the parenting techniques above, but also expect your child to listen the first time. Walk over to him, say the request firmly and then no more reminders. If he doesn’t obey then apply the consequence. (See below).
- Allow consequences to kick in. If you’re sure your child has heard the request and you’ve given directions set at your child’s listening capabilities, then it is time for a consequence. Not doing so means sends a message to your kid that you’re okay with him dismissing you. A first level consequence might be to say your request followed with the outcome if he doesn’t comply: “If you want cookies for dessert, please come now.” And if he shows up later, just say in a matter of fact tone, “Sorry, it’s too late.” Don’t back down or buy into your child’s defense: “I didn’t hear you!” Your answer is just a simple, “Maybe next time you’ll listen better. ” Just be consistent so your child knows you do expect him to tune in the first time.
- Rethink your relationship. You’ve tried better communication techniques and refined how you give directions. You’ve taken into account your child’s age or attention span and considered whether he has any kind of a hearing loss. Now consider another option: The child is blatantly choosing not to listen to you. This is a matter of noncompliance or disrespect.
- Get a hearing check. No kidding! If you notice your child has repeated listening problems — particularly when seated a bit further from you, don’t overlook that this could be a hearing problem. Swimming ear? Allergies? A hearing loss? Talk to your medical provider.
There is an art to asking your kids to do something. The way you ask greatly influences the way they respond. The fact is, learning to give directions so kids will listen takes practice. And breaking a child’s bad listening habits takes work and patience. So hang in there!
Tips from this blog were adapted from the chapter, Doesn’t Listen! in my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. You can also find dozens more ideas to improve your child’s attention, memory, and focusing as well as communication tips and more specific solutions for learning disabilities, autism spectrum, ADHD and more. You can also follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my daily blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check.
Tags: Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Michele Borba, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff
Sue Scheff: We’ve Got Issues – Children and Parents in the Age of Medication
by Sue Scheff on Jun 04, 2010
What a hot topic this is! In February New York Times best selling author, Judith Warner released this hot selling book, We’ve Got Issues, Children and Parent in the Age of Medication. In an interview with the author, she answered many questions that are many the minds of parents everywhere. Take the time to learn about why Judith Warner wrote this book and all the value it has to offer to you and your child.
1. What were some of the assumptions you started with when you began writing this book?
I assumed that children were being grossly overdiagnosed and overmedicated. I assumed that society’s neuroses were being turned into pathologies in children; that what was being diagnosed as disorders in them was everything that was wrong in the competitive, high performance, driven, anxiety-filled world of childhood and family life in America today. The basic assumption was that those disorders, which no one seemed to have had when I was a kid – weren’t real, or were at least being diagnosed far more frequently than they ought to have been. How I knew this, I don’t know. Mixed in with the thought that the diagnoses were bogus was the idea that the medications used to treat children didn’t work; that they were a palliative for parents; and that parents were searching for an easy way out of their kids’ problems rather than looking at themselves, their families or society in general. And all of that rested on a basic disbelief in the direction that modern psychiatry was taking and a basic disrespect for parents who seemed to me to be willing to sacrifice their kids to their own ambitions and laziness. It was easy to have all these views. They were, and still are—although perhaps to a slightly lesser degree—the basic lens through which a lot of children’s mental health issues continue to be viewed. (For example, there’s still a lot of disbelief out there that things like ADHD or bipolar disorder are real. A lot of people still believe these problems are being grossly exaggerated and over-treated and think this is happening because parents want to “perfect” their kids).
2. What happened as you started working on the book, trying to report the various pieces of it?
As I started working on the book, I very quickly ran into problems. When I tried to back up the idea that what these kids had wrong with them wasn’t real, it became impossible to prove. I contacted experts – prominent psychologists and psychiatrists I’d seen quoted in the media indicating that kids were being overdiagnosed or overmedicated, people whose beliefs, I thought, paralleled my assumptions – and they didn’t actually believe that the mental disorders I was asking about weren’t real. And those who did believe that disorders like ADHD were socially constructed forms of disease tended to be people who were out on the fringe. The websites where I was finding articles agreeing with my point of view often were linking back to Scientology sites or other hard-core antipsychiatry groups and staking out ideological positions. I increasingly began to wonder about some of the things I thought were obvious and true. And when I talked to parents of children with mental health issues about my assumptions I encountered real hostility. One friend in particular just looked at me when I told her that I thought kids with nothing wrong with them were being overdiagnosed and that medication didn’t work. She forcefully asked, “How do you know that?” I would later learn that her son, who was ultimately diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder, had seriously contemplated suicide at age six, had violent outbursts and paranoid episodes by age eight, and had begun holding the family hostage to his destructive rages by his early teens, and that my friend had gone through an ordeal of her own in trying to get him the best possible treatment. Something wasn’t right. I just couldn’t find answers to prove that I knew what I thought I knew.
The notion of these kids being symptoms of something wrong in society, “canaries in the coal mine,” as it’s often said, worked as an intellectual construct, but it broke down whenever I talked to a parent of a child with mental health issues. Once I listened to parents’ stories, the intellectual construct fell apart.
3. Millions of parents struggle each year with how to help their children suffering from disorders like autism, Asperger’s, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and the like. What sort of challenges do these parents face as they try to make the right decisions about their children’s health?
These parents not only have to struggle with understanding their children’s disorders and finding the right treatments, but they also have to contend with enormous self-doubt and, often, skepticism and even condemnation from people around them who believe they’re exaggerating their children’s problems and pathologizing them. It is very difficult for them to find their way, particularly since it’s so hard to find doctors who can really take the time to explain treatment options to them and so hard to find institutions they can trust for good information.
4. One of the central ideas of this book is that there’s a real dividing line, a gulf of experience and understanding that separates these parents from those whose kids are untouched by these disorders. What is it that people need to know about this gulf of experience? And why is it so significant?
It is very difficult to understand what it is to have a child with mental health issues, because when a child has a real disorder it isn’t just a question of having symptoms that everyone has at one time or another. Everyone is sad sometimes; that doesn’t mean everyone is depressed. Everyone is anxious sometimes; that doesn’t mean we all have anxiety disorders. Everyone these days gets distracted, but that doesn’t mean we all have ADHD. Not all kids are suicidal. Not all kids have panic attacks. Not all kids struggle to keep their minds focused for a single math problem. These are not variations on normal child behavior. The differences of degree are real and significant. Not acknowledging the reality of children’s problems, minimizing what are real and often really difficult conditions, denies children the possibility of getting better.
5. A lot of what you’ve written in this book goes against received wisdom. You’re not a doctor. What do you say to those who question your standing to make the arguments you’re making?
I’m not a doctor but I interviewed a lot of doctors and I did what I know how to do as a journalist, which is to talk to experts, listen very carefully, read a lot of information, and pull it all together. One of the reasons the book’s notes section is so long is that I wanted to show that I had done my homework, that I had been careful, that I had been accurate, and that I had read everything I could get my hands on. There was a certain amount of anecdotal data I collected from parents, but I was determined, above all, to let the facts lead me in whatever direction they would.
6. Some people feel very strongly there’s an epidemic of “legal drugging” of our kids going on. They might see this book as formal justification for drug companies, or for physician practices or health plans that promote prescribing medication in a void, without comprehensive care. What’s your reaction?
I’m not defending drug companies, nor am I saying meds are the answer to every problem. And I’m certainly not in the position to be issuing medical opinions. What I am trying to do is approach this, and write about it, as a journalist. I’m describing a social phenomenon and how we ought to talk about it. Needless to say, the issues you’re mentioning here are all nightmare issues for parents who end up in situations where they’re considering putting their kids on meds. When you talk to doctors about it they’ll talk about levels of risk, and the risk of not treating—which carries a risk of its own—compared to the risk of treating. Doctors have an ability to think abstractly and dispassionately about these issues. They can think in terms of whether, for example, the risk of taking ADHD meds is less than the risk of getting in a car crash because you don’t take ADHD meds.
I say throughout the book that children are not getting sufficient comprehensive care. Too often they’re getting meds without proper therapy or follow-up. Parents aren’t getting enough time to sit with doctors to talk about options. It’s all too expensive. And there are not enough specialists. We really need to be thinking in the direction of providing more and better options so that kids can get more comprehensive care. I also go on at length about drug companies and their practices and why they’ve completely lost the public’s trust. But I do think it’s a mistake to conflate entirely the negative activities of the pharmaceutical industry and what’s going on with child psychiatry today. It’s understandable, given how many psychiatrists are in the pay of Big Pharma, but it’s just too simple to say it’s all about drug companies pushing their products.
7. You spent a lot of time talking to as many parents as you could about how their children came to be diagnosed, and how they came to agree to give their kids medications (if medications were called for). What did you learn?
Time and again I heard the same story. Nobody was rushing to have their kids diagnosed. They all hated giving their children medications. It became more and more important to me to tell that story, to change people’s perceptions, to cut through perceived wisdom and the shrugging-off of those parents and their kids. I also came to understand that while there’s a lot of good that can be done for children and that children can get very good help, most of them don’t get the mental health care they need. And even when they do get mental health care, it’s rarely top-quality care. They get what their parents’ health insurance will provide, or what they can afford, which isn’t much. We’re at a moment in time where there’s the potential to do a lot of good for kids with mental health issues, and instead a lot of bad things are being done. That’s not going to change unless we start asking some big, important questions. But those questions have to spring from a place of compassion, not judgment and blame.
8. How many kids in this country have mental health issues?
The estimates range from 5 to 20 percent. There’s a wide variation because the numbers depends on the degree of severity. There’s the 5 percent who have severe mental issues. Then there’s the 20 percent whose mental health issues affect their abilities in some ways but who are still able to go about life the way other kids do.
When talking about children’s mental health issues, you’ll sometimes hear people dismissively say, “Well, they’ve all got something now.” One thing that was important to me was to try to determine exactly what “all” represented. Clearly, the biggest number—20 percent—is a sizeable minority, but it’s far from “all.”
9. Why is there so much resistance to the idea that a fair number of children require psychiatric treatment and medication? We’re willing to believe that something like diabetes has a genetic component—that it shows up in childhood and should be treated as early as possible. Why don’t we accept that the same could be true of mental health disorders?
I think in part it’s because the idea is so new to us. When we were kids we didn’t know other kids with these problems, or at least we thought we didn’t. We all went to schools with boys who were constantly in the principal’s office, or getting into fights on the playground. We all knew kids who got into drugs in high school or were always getting into trouble. But we didn’t use terms like “depressed.” We didn’t think those kids might have a problem, let alone something like ADHD. They were just “bad.” If you don’t have the vocabulary for a concept, it doesn’t exist.
We’re also sort of primed to believe there’s something wrong with children, with childhood, and with family life today. We live in an insanely competitive and pressured time. A lot of us don’t like the parenting that goes on in our time. We just assume that the hypercompetitive, overbearing parenting we see so often these days is going to lead to problems in our kids. These are all naïve assumptions as to why children actually develop mental health disorders..
But they make sense to us – they seem logical. We tend to create and believe in narratives to explain what’s happening when things go wrong with kids. But what if not every problem has a cause that makes sense to us within this kind of narrative framework? What if some kids are just born with brains that work a bit differently? What if what we do as parents isn’t all-determinative? These are upsetting notions, because they undermine our sense of causality and control. Contemporary psychiatry, which is so biologically focused, simply goes against the grain of how we think about ourselves as people.
10. Your book laments the missed opportunities there are these days for putting science to its best possible use in treating children with mental health issues and also looks at ways that the benefits of scientific progress have been squandered – notably in the ways that the pharmaceutical industry and some psychiatrists have betrayed and lost the trust of parents. But you also point to stories of progress. What sort of progress has been made?
There are more medications now to help children than ever before, and forms of therapy that have been proven effective. Kids with mental health issues can get better and are able to participate more broadly in life than ever before. They’re not facing the same stigma they once did, nor are their parents as isolated as they once were. If you place the experience of the mentally ill child at the center rather than on the sidelines of the debate—in other words, if you keep in mind this is about children suffering rather than simply being symbols of the ills of contemporary life—then the developments of the past few decades truly become a story of progress.
11. One of the big questions that so often pops up in discussions about kids with mental health disorders is “Are there really more of them today, or are we merely seeing and counting them differently?” You say supposition is all we really have to go on in trying to find an answer. Why doesn’t good data exist?
If you go back beyond 1980, the nomenclature for various psychiatric disorders was completely different. Before the 1970s it wasn’t believed that children suffered from depression. The same can be said of bipolar disorder before the 1990s. The diagnosis for autism, as it’s formulated now, didn’t exist until 1980 and the publication of DSM-III (the third revision of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). There was also no diagnosis called ADHD prior to that year. As for Asperger’s, its diagnosis didn’t exist until 1994. There’s simply no way to quantify disorders that didn’t exist and weren’t defined as such in the past.
12. Why is there such a huge difference between what outside observers assume when thinking about the kids being diagnosed with mental health issues and what the parents of these kids are seeing and living through?
Many outside observers assume that what these kids are going through is normal and trivial, and that with better parenting, or at least more realistic expectations from parents, the problems will just go away. But for the parents of kids with mental health disorders it’s not a question of their kids getting B’s instead of A’s. It’s not about their kid having a temper tantrum like all kids do, or simply behaving badly. And it’s certainly not about their kids failing to live up to their expectations. It’s about kids who threaten suicide, or a girl who spends two hours every night locking and unlocking the front door. It’s about the son who makes a fuss about wearing the same shoes every day because he’s sure that if he doesn’t his mother will die. These are not the normal vicissitudes of childhood. This isn’t “normal stuff.” It’s a different level of experience, a different degree. And that’s what’s often missing in how these issues are discussed and framed.
13. In the chapter on the use of psychotropic medications in kids you mention the dizzying array of damning numbers that have been making headlines over the past ten years. Why do you say the numbers don’t really tell much of a story?
Because the story isn’t clear. Some numbers—like the often alleged 600 percent increase in Ritalin use in the 1990s, and the frequently reported “fact” that up to a fifth of white fifth grade boys are on ADHD meds—have turned out, upon examination, to be just plain wrong. Others lend themselves too easily to distorted meanings, unless you put them into context. For example, how meaningful is it to know that in the 1990s antidepressant use tripled if you don’t know that prior to the 1990s—i.e., before the age of Prozac—antidepressants were pretty much never given to kids at all? How huge does that tripling seem if you find out that, at the end of this nothing-to-something transition, there was still only a tiny percentage of kids—one half to 1 percent of all children—taking antidepressant meds?
It’s certainly highly worrisome to know that too many kids in foster care, for example, now get medication—multiple medications—without therapy or proper support for the traumas they’ve endured, but it’s more troubling to think of what happens to those who, like the vast majority of disadvantaged children, get no treatment at all. The story is complicated. What makes this topic difficult is that there are no pat answers. People like to have certitude. That’s why you see all these sweeping statements. But when it comes to these numbers you invariably end up saying, “Yes, but…” The truth is mixed. There are a lot of gray areas. And gray areas are hard to talk about.
14. Why do you consider this a pivotal moment for mental health in America?
We are at the brink of never-before-seen opportunities for scientific progress when it comes to mental health. For one thing, the past couple of decades have seen a lot of big advances in understanding how the brain works and in determining what treatments are actually effective. There’s a vast body of knowledge to back up many of these treatments, but it doesn’t necessarily get out in a consistent way to parents. There’s still a lot of confusion and quackery out there. So you end up seeing many parents running in circles, trying to figure things out on their own. And because of the way health care is delivered in this country there’s not a lot of opportunity for them to sit down and talk to doctors at length.
It’s a pivotal moment, too, because along with advances have come abuses. The drug makers have acted cynically and gone too far in their direct-to-consumer marketing and advertising efforts, in the promises they make, and in promoting off-label uses for medications that are potentially quite dangerous. Doctors have helped erode the public’s trust by doing unofficial marketing for drug makers. So you have good and bad mixed together. Not surprisingly, the bad has gotten a lot more attention than the good.
15. Our impulse is to see children with mental health issues as victims, the “canaries in the coal mine” of our sick, out-of-whack society. Can society cause the kinds of disorders we’re seeing in kids?
The prevailing view is that children’s mental health issues arise from a subtle interplay of genetics, biology, and environment. The metaphor that’s always used is that genes load the gun and the environment pulls the trigger. If the environment alone was the problem, we’d be seeing epidemic levels of these disorders in kids. Despite all the hyped-up headlines, the numbers just aren’t that huge. Everyone I’ve talked to believes society or parenting does play a role, but you have to have fertile terrain for those outside pathogens to take root and cause problems.
16. There’s a perception out there, and not a false one, that it’s the kids from the wealthiest homes who get the most diagnoses and the most and best services. For example, the most competitive schools often show disproportionate numbers of students with learning disabilities. The most affluent school districts across the country register the greatest number of children getting special accommodations in school, including things like extra time when taking their SATs. People end up feeling this is all about wealthy parents “gaming the system” in order to get even greater advantages for their kids. But you say this situation reflects a much larger and darker reality. What is it?
The larger and darker reality is that only parents with considerable means (and the time and the savvy that usually accompany such means) are able to work our school systems to get the services and accommodation to which kids with issues are entitled. Even the basic special education services that public school districts are legally required to provide for children with learning disabilities or other issues are very difficult to access for parents without time and considerable energy and resources. It’s thus not surprising that households where the parents don’t have the time to advocate for their kids, or the money to take on school systems, are disproportionately given short shrift when it comes to their kids getting the resources they deserve.
17. You pull no punches in hammering away at the pharmaceutical industry and most particularly the alleged cozy relationship that exists between psychiatrists (and doctors in general) and big pharmaceutical companies. You also devote significant time to looking at how agencies like the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the National Institutes of Health (NIH) have allegedly been co-opted by Big Pharma. How do we change this?
Things have already started changing. In the wake of several recent, highly publicized scandals there has already been a lot of “housecleaning” going on. More stringent regulations have been put in place, particularly at the NIH. Universities are self-policing more, and many of them have taken steps to make their researchers’ relationships with drug companies more transparent. More limits are being placed on allowable levels of collaboration and the kinds of money doctors and researchers can receive. And most prominent medical and academic journals now require authors to list their industry affiliations at the end of their articles. At some point we may even see legislation for creating a national database that lists doctors’ relationships with Big Pharma. We’re clearly entering a moment of correction, and that’s as it should be.
It’s unrealistic to say doctors shouldn’t work at all with Big Pharma, because that’s how research gets done (and the government certainly doesn’t have the money to foot the bill entirely on its own). Some collaboration is necessary. But stricter rules are also a necessity, and doctors have to find it within themselves not to work as a shadow arm of the drug industry. For one thing, they need to own their own research. One of the major downsides to having the pharmaceutical industry run its own show on the drug trials they’re paying for is that they own the data collected during the trials. They’re the ones who decide when or whether to publish the results. This has led to a number of instances in which companies have suppressed data showing their drugs are ineffective or pose greater risks than medications already on the market.
18. What’s your goal in writing this book?
For parents of children with mental health issues, I’d love it if they come away from this book with a feeling of being in community with others. I want them to feel less misunderstood, alone, and stigmatized. For those who don’t necessarily have children with “issues”—and particularly for those who, like me, were functioning on autopilot, recycling received wisdom about children’s mental health without questioning it—I hope this book will open their eyes. If the book makes these people see that things are more complicated than they seem, it will have served its purpose.
19. The debate over health-care reform is very much on people’s minds at the moment. What sort of reform do you think we need when it comes to mental health care for children?
The first thing that needs to be done is to make sure mental health care is included in health insurance packages to begin with—it is in some, but not in all by any means (and legislation passed in recent years guaranteeing parity for mental health care only applies to people who have mental health coverage in the first place). I think reimbursement rates need to be increased, and we need to reexamine what services are eligible for reimbursement. (Those child psychiatrists who do participate in health insurance aren’t paid to do therapy, which means they can’t provide the best standard of care recognized by their profession. It means they are essentially boxed in to doing nothing more than medication management, solving each problem with pill after pill.)
And changes are going to have to come from practitioners as well. Child psychologists and psychiatrists need to make themselves available to people who can’t necessarily afford full fees. There are only about seven thousand child psychiatrists currently practicing in this country, and they’re overwhelmingly concentrated in the big cities. That means in some rural areas, there are no child psychiatrists—or even child psychologists—at all. It also means many child psychiatrists have huge waiting lists. As a result, they don’t need to take on patients whose only means of paying is through health insurance. That’s why I’d love to see health care reform that also includes a mechanism for incentivizing med school students to go into specialties where they’re really needed, like child psychiatry.
Order today on Amazon.
Thank you Judith for taking the time to answer many questions and help us to understand the value of your recent book!
Tags: ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, Bipolar, Judith Warner, OCD, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Books, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts
Sue Scheff: Who Are Your Teens Hanging With? Bad Friends and the Social Scene
by Sue Scheff on Jan 23, 2010
Last fall Dr. Michele Borba, TODAY Show Contributor, released her largest book ever! The BIG Book of Parenting Solutions - 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries.
In a 10 part series on Examiner, I explored only a tiny fraction of what BBPS (BIG Book of Parenting Solutions). Parenting Resolutions with Solutions is a 4 part series that shared 101 topics that are covered in BBPS.
Today the topic is bad friends (social scene section). Turn to page 315 and learn about how your kids are choosing friends and why. Find out the problem, the red flags, and why sometimes change is necessary. You will also find solutions!
Here are some signs and symptoms that your child may be choosing less than a desirable peer group.
- Secretiveness. Your child becomes very secretive, locks his room, and covers up what he is doing.
- Changes in appearance. Your child starts wearing “provocative” attire, wants only pricey or name-brand items, has a complete change in hairstyle, or starts wearing gizmos that “just aren’t your kid.”
- School problems. Your child’s grades drop; he loses interest in school, gets detentions or tardies, doesn’t turn in homework; you have received worried calls or notes from his teacher.
- Changes in activities. Your child pulls away from past friends; sees this kid exclusively; is negative about “former” pals; or quits a team or sport or other activities that he has always loved.
- Character changes. Your child’s integrity and your family values, culture or religious beliefs are affected; he is more withdrawn, moody, or sad.
- Untrustworthiness. You can no longer count on your child’s word; he lies, doesn’t keep his promises, isn’t where he say he is, misses his curfew, sneaks out.
- Decline in reputation. Your child’s image is negatively affected; teachers, coaches, other parents, or kids pull away or say your kid “has changed” – and not for the better.
- Tense family relations. You and your child have frequent arguments, and your relationships with your child is strained.
- Violence. Your child is preoccupied with violence in his drawings, writings, vocabulary, or choice of activities.
Of course any kid could show some of these traits, and they may have nothing to do with the friend he is hanging out with. The trick is to keep a closer eye on your child and this new friend: how many of these symptoms showed up because this kid came into his life? Also, are you sure the other kid is the negative influence—not vice versa?
The entire social scene section of BBPS covers so much more. Cliques, Drinking, Peer Pressure, Sex, Swearing and more.
If you are parenting today or going to be a parent, this book is a must in your library of parenting books. Order today!
Be an educated parent, you will be prepared and that means safer and healthier children!
Watch video and read on Examiner.
Tags: Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Cliques, Michele Borba, Parenting, Parenting Books, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Groups, Teen Peer Pressure
Sue Scheff: Parenting Resolutions with Solutions
by Sue Scheff on Dec 21, 2009
Big Book of Parenting Solutions by Dr. Michele Borba has become one of the most popular parenting books to own. Why? It is simple, and seriously very simple to read, comprehend and easy to go straight to the topic you need to learn about without having to sift through a lot of pages. This book is like a Betty Crocker Cookbook – all indexed – easy to read and understand recipes (parenting recipes for raising kids today) as well as easy to use tabs to take you instantly to where you want to be.
Michele Borba Has Answers to Parents Everyday Challenges & Worries
101 topics the author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions can address:
FAMILY
1. Adopted
2. Divorce
3. Middle Child
4. New Baby
5. Oldest Child
6. Only Child
7. Sibling Rivalry
8. Twins and Multiples
9. Youngest Child
BEHAVIOR
10. Argues
11. Back Talk
12. Biting
13. Bossy
14. Brags
15. Defiant
16. Demanding
17. Hooked on Rewards
18. Impulsive
19. Indecisive
20. Swears
21. Tantrums
22. Time-Out
23. Whining
24. Won’t Listen
25. Yelling
Parenting in 2010 starts with Big Book of Parenting Solutions! Did you miss the sneak peek inside this fantastic book? Click here for the 10-part series!
Check out the next 25 topics >>>>>>
Start making your resolutions today!
Resolution Reminder: Parenting 2010 – Getting ten steps ahead of your kids with technology.
Tags: Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Books, Parenting Resolutions, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: What Makes Our Teens Happy?
by Sue Scheff on Dec 09, 2009
My friend and colleague has done it again! Not only is her book, BIG Book of Parenting Solutions selling like crazy (and well worth the purchase), Michele Borba has created a list of what makes our teens happy! You will be shocked at these results!
Check out her Realty Check from December 2, 2009.
If you haven’t heard the news this should make you and every other parent smile. (And it’s about time). A seven-month study conducted by MTV and Associated Press interviewed nearly 1,300 young people aged 13 to 24 years old. The results revealed that the majority of teens find the most happiness in their family and listed their parents as their heroes. And—(it gets even better)—most young people (over three-quarters!) said being with their parents brought them even more joy than being with their friends. What’s more, half say religion and spirituality are very important. Wow! Right?
This is great news. They like us. They really like us! Though this survey is not new (I reported it on the TODAY show several months back) I fear most parents have not heard the results. At a time when we usually hear the doom and gloom stuff about American teens, these results couldn’t be better and need to be reviewed.
What makes our teens happy and key parent take-aways
Here are key findings in the survey that I think all parents need to hear. I’ve included the good along with the bad news about what is really on the minds of our young people today. I’m also including a few parenting suggestions I shared on the TODAY show when I reported the survey results.
1. Stay involved in your teen’s life. Not only did the teens say they like us, but they also want us in their lives. Wow! Word of warning: don’t wait for a personalized invitation from your teen. “Yo, Mom, lets go have a great talk about our family values.” The trick is that we parents still need to be a bit crafty and find ways to stay involved in our kids’ lives without invading their space. They do want privacy. They do want time with their peers.
2. Find ways to get into your kid’s zone. Utalize the time your son or daughter is most receptive to talking and then be available. (Forget the first few hours in the morning. I swear teens are on a different time zone and don’t wake up until at least noon. Bless their teachers). I finally discovered with one son the best time was five o’clock in the afternoon—and always near the refrigerator. And that’s where I’d plant myself.
3. Watch out for those judgments and criticisms. Nothing turns a teen off faster. In fact, listen twice as much as you talk. And don’t push for a response. Wait. Research shows teens are processing and sometimes those words take a little longer to come out.
4. Finally, find “common connectors.” What are things you and your teen could enjoy doing together? Is it going to be basketball game, yoga, a book club, exercising, watching Friends reruns, shopping. Find one common connector so you can stay involved together.
5. Tune up your behavior. The MTV survey also revealed that teens put us as their top hero and role model. Such power! Such influence! It also means our kids are copying our behavior. A word to the wise: Model what you want your kids to copy. Ask yourself every night one question: “If my teen had only my behavior to watch, what would he have caught today?” How are you doing? I swear kids come with videocam recorders planted inside their heads. They are watching us.
6. Tune into money matters. Surprisingly, only one percent of teens listed money as the thing that would make them happiest. That one shocked me a bit because the research I read always stresses the materialistic nature of our teens. The good news is that teens are choosing relationships over money to bring them joy. Yes! Research confirms that relationships are the single greatest source of happiness.
On the other hand, 70 percent of teens still want to be rich in the future; 29 percent want to be famous. Nothing shocking there. After all, this is the “American Idol Generation.” Though the results may sound like a contradiction, the reality is teens (and mostly males) are concerned about their future. They say they are worried about money matters. It’s interesting to note that young people with highest-income families seem happier with life overall (hmmm) and middle income kids feel the most financial pressure. I don’t blame them. It’s tough out there.
7. Watch out for stress and pressure. This was the big red flag. Thirty-eight percent of teens said they feel stressed frequently; 47 percent said they felt somewhat stressed. The biggest stressor for teens was school. This result confirms every other study I’ve read. Our kids are stressed and stress is mounting. And why not? This is an era of “Leave no child left untested.”
A word to the wise: keep an eye on your child. Watch those stress signs. Watch his workload and her non-stop schedule. How does your child handle stress? What things exacerbate it? How well does your child cope with pressure? What can you do to reduce that stress? Those are the big questions today’s parents should tune into. Also: what tools and strategies have you taught your child to handle stress? The key parent question is always: “Does the stress stimulate or paralyze my teen?” The answer tells you what direction you need to take for your child’s health and happiness.
8. Beware of that scary world. Safety did not rate very high among our kids. Only 29 percent of those polled felt very safe when traveling. Only 25 percent felt safe from terror attacks. The truth is it’s a scary world to be growing up in. The tragic images and horrific experiences our young people have been exposed to in their short years are heart wrenching: Columbine. 9-11. Virginia Tech. Oklahoma Bombings. Global warming. The treat of a nuclear holocaust (the headlines in my newspaper today).
Though we can’t prevent tragedies from occurring, we can help our children see the good parts about the world and people. Expose your teen to goodness. Clip out those articles about the wonderful, caring things people do. They’re always those articles tucked away in the back pages of the paper. Many parents cut them out and use them each night as “Good News Reports.” I love the idea. Our children deserve to hear the better parts of life.
For the most part the MTV/AP survey of our teens revealed promising, hopeful findings. What could be better than knowing our kids love us and want to be with us and that their families bring them the most joy? That alone is grounds for celebrating. After all, the single greatest determiner in how our kids turn out is the strength of their relationship with their parents. We’re doing something right. Our Reality Check: Let’s just make sure we keep an eye on the stress and pressure plaguing today’s teens.
For specific solutions on how to boost communication skills, talk about drinking and sex with kids, curb the growing up too fast (and too sexy, too soon look) refer to my book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Many of these activities are from that book.
Check out INSIDE the BIG Book of Parenting Solutions via this slideshow!
Tags: Michele Borba, Parenting Big Book of Parenting Solutions, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Issues, Teens
Sue Scheff: Driving Tips That May Save Your Teen’s Life Over the Holidays
by Sue Scheff on Nov 26, 2009
After just finishing a 10-part series inside Dr. Michele Borba’s BIG Book of Parenting Solutions, I can officially say it is one of the most comprehensive parenting books I have ever reviewed and fortunately own. My daughter (a mother herself) will be receiving a copy under the tree this holiday season! I cannot express enough what a magnificient gift this is for anyone that works with children, moms-to-be, daycare providers, coaches and more.
This week Michele Borba posted a timely Blog as many are traveling and I especially think of our kids/teens traveling home from school for the holidays. Take the time to be an educated parent and learn how to prepare yourself and your teen before they get behind the wheel!
Happy Thanksgiving and make it a safe one!
REALITY CHECK: Nearly 10,000 youths have died as passengers in car crashes. Of those crashes, 54% were riding with a teen driver. Car crashes are the leading cause of death for tweens and teens.
Michele Borba: Driving Tips That May Save Your Teen’s Life Over the Holidays
This week yet there were more sobering headlines in our local papers: two more horrific car crashes involved teens from our local high schools. Both crashes happened within a few days of one another. Three teens lives were cut short. Others are in critical condition. And once again I shutter, and then I cry.
I’ve had five close friends over the last ten years lose their beautiful teen sons in driving fatalities. All were the most loving of parents, all the boys were wonderful, glorious, and good, and each parent would have read this prior to the worst day of their life, and said, “Not my kid.”
But the stark reality is such a tragedy could happen to your child. So please read this carefully and take this very seriously — especially as these holiday approach and teens have more driving time. Knowing the risks just may save your child or their friend.
Here are study highlights found by Dr. Flaura Koplin Winston from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia revealing the most dangerous driving circumstances for youth:
- Driving with inexperienced (less than a year driver) on high-speed roads (more than three-quarters of the fatal crashes occurred on roads with speed limits higher than 45 mph)
- Driving without a seatbelt: nearly two-thirds of youth passengers were not wearing seat belts
- Driving with a male teen driver who had been drinking and on weekends: 72% of crashes happened between 6 am to 10 pm.
Here are a few essential Dos and Don’ts parenting solutions based on research findings that just may keep your teen safer. I know some of these are “easier said than done,” but that’s where talking, talking and talking to your teen over and over and over come in — as well as monitoring, monitoring, and more monitoring.
- Do NOT let your teen drive with a teen with less than a year’s driving experience. The risk is too great. I know this is going to be inconvenient. But please review those research studies carefully. Please!
- Do NOT let your inexperienced teen drive over 40 mph. This one is tough to uphold but monitor. There are new devices that parents are installing in their cars so they can watch their teen’s driving habits.
- Do NOT let your child get into a car without wearing a seat belt. Make sure you mandate wearing them in your own car. And talk, talk, talk about the life-saving feature of wearing those belts.
- DO NOT let your kid use that darn cell phone when driving. Figure out a way that he doesn’t have to go switching channels on his Ipod when driving.
- DO teach your teen how to bulk peer pressure. A study by the Boys and Girls Clubs of America of over 46,000 teens revealed that peer pressure is one of the biggest issues they face and that “Just say no stuff”does not work. Teens want you to teach them specific things they can do and say to counter that peer pressure.
- DO give your teen (and each of his friends) a card with phone numbers of taxicab services to call. Put emergency cab fare money (like fifty dollars) in a drawer and tell your teen it is “Just in case you ever need a taxi cab.”Make sure your kid has a safe way home in case of drinking or sleep deprivation. Driving home late and sleepy killed two of my friends’ sons. They were not drinking.
- DO tell your teen that if he ever abuses your car rules those keys will be removed. One of my girlfriend’s sons lost the car privilege for a year (and learned his lesson); another hid her son’s car in another friend’s garage to ensure her child could access it. Yes MOM!!!
- DO have your teen sign a contract specifying that passengers must wear seat belts, which roads he may drive on, speed limits he must adhere to and of course never drink. Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD – and founded as Students Against Driving Drunk) is an organization you may want to connect with. If also provides a free online contract you can download.
- DO get on board with other parents. Introduce yourself. Exchange phone numbers. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is a great organization that mobilizes parents.
- DO set up a secret code in your family. In our house if one of my sons ever called any time and said, “Mom, I think I’m getting the flu” it was my signal to drop everything and go pick up my child. It meant he was in a tough situation and needed a “rescue.” Turns out he was at a party that was supposed to be supervised by parents who decided to be “cool” and supply kegs while they left the kids. Those parents should have been arrested, but I was so glad we had that secret code. I also have a pack with my girlfriend that if she’s not available I will pick up her kids, and she mine. We’ve only had to do so once and we still are so grateful we had that pact. Also set up a secret text code such as 111 or 333–something so simple and memorable that your child could instantly text you that code and you would know to drive and pick up your teen, ASAP.
- DO carefully think through if your teen really is ready to drive at age sixteen. Every study shows that most kids that age are not mature enough to get behind that wheel. Remember this isn’t about your convenience, but your child’s life.
Keep your teen safe! Please! This is life and death stuff. Nothing is more precious than our children. Please pass this information on to another parent. Let’s save our kids together!
For more information and specific tips on how to reduce risky behaviors refer to The Book of Book of Parenting Solutions especially the chapters on drinking, steroids, peer pressure and sex. Research shows that while there is no silver bullet that protects our kids, moms and dads who are “hands-on” in their parenting approach (adhere to a curfew, know their kids friends, voice their concerns about drinking and drugs, monitor their teens’ comings and goings and are not afraid to SAY NO) greatly reduce their teens’ risky behaviors. When it comes to drinking and driving, please tune up your “hands-on parenting.” This is a matter of life and death.
Tags: Michele Borba, parenting advice, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Books, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Safe Driving, Sue Scheff, Teen Driving, Teen Help, Teen Safe Driving



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