Sue Scheff: Summer is almost here – Find the Boredom Busters for your kids
by Sue Scheff on May 20, 2010
Summer is almost here – and parents will be scrambling to find fun and productive activities for their kids. Dr. Michele Borba recently was featured on the Today Show talking about Boredom Busters for your kids! Here is some great information to help you have a healthy, safe and fun summer!
Boredom Busters: Ways to Help Kids Learn to Entertain Themselves
Learn to Be Alone. A word to the wise: if your kids come back after two minutes of alone time, you may need to first teach your kids how to enjoy their own company. The truth is some of our kids actually need to learn how to play alone. So start by thing of age-appropriate activities that your child could “do alone.” (For a young child: doing a puzzle; for an older kid: learning to play Solitaire). Then teach your child the “solo activity using the baby step model: First show how to do the game together. Next, watch and guide to ensure he knows the rules. Finally, wean him from you being there until voila! – You step back and your child is playing alone.
Build It In. The reality is you still have to be the boss of free play. At first your kids aren’t going to run off like Tom Sawyer. Put up a calendar where you and your kid mark in regularly scheduled summer activities (like days at summer school, camp, sports or swim lessons). Keep some hours open and point out that those are times when your kid is “free” and on his own.
Ideally you want to find the right balance between “free play vs. adult supervised”; “outdoor play vs. indoor play”; “structured activities vs. unstructured.” Only you will know the right balance for your child, but keep an eye on what your child’s current weekend schedule looks like. Only then will you know which direction to alter that balance.
Set Unplugged Rules. Set a specific limit for TV or video game viewing. Keep in mind that the average kid aged 8 to 17 is plugged into some kind of electronic device at least 7 ½ hours a day, so weaning your kid away from those video games. Your first step is to assess just how often your child is “plugged in.” This weekend take a casual assessment (without your kid knowing you’re monitoring). How many minutes is she watching TV or surfing the net or playing video games? Decide a maximum time allotment and then post those rules ASAP so your kid is clear of those expectations. If not, you may end up with coach potato.
Wean Away From You. Of course a toddler can’t occupy his time alone – nor do you want him to. But you will want to gradually start your child weaning away from needing you 24/7 when you see he or she is ready to learn those independent skills. Think “baby steps”: just wean him a little bit at a time by encouraging him to handle life slowly and confidently without you. You gauge your child’s abilities, but remember your parenting goal is to help your child learn to someday live (and play!) without you. Start with “I’ll be back in one minute—I can’t wait to see what you drew when I return. Surprise me!” Then keep your word, and keep increasing alone time. (You can still be in the room for a young child – just not always managing his every move).
Find Activities To Keep Kids Engaged “Solo Style”
Here are a few sold ideas of activities that will keep your kids engaged. The secret is to tailor the ideas to your child’s attention span, abilities and age when you start child-directed free play.
Get a library card. The greatest solo activity for a kid is a good book. So encourage your child to read! Enroll your kid in the summer library program. Get her a magazine subscription. Check out books on tape to listen to in the car or download a classic onto your tween’s ipod. There is a three-month “Summer Slide” when reading scores go down during the summer months. So keep your child reading even if you have to require a certain number of minutes per day when every family member drops everything and reads.
Start a hobby. Summer is a good time to start a child on a hobby. The right match with the right kid often turns into a lifelong love. The trick is to find one that supports your child’s interests and ability—and is one that he can do alone. You may have to teach him how to get started or enroll him with a tutor or class, but so be it! Playing a guitar. Knitting. Drawing. Photography. Cooking. Gardening. Coin or stamp collecting. Hobbies not only nurture a child’s talent, but also become a wonderful relaxer, and can last a lifetime!
Embrace the great outdoors. While that sounds simple enough, sometimes kids need a push to get out the door. Keep a basket filled with fun things that keep kids entertained (bubble blowers, rubber balls, sidewalk chalk, scooters, shovels and pails) or set up a basketball net. Or give your kid a bag and tell him to go collect something (bugs, leaves, flowers, rocks—collections are great). Give her a kite building kit. Hand out plastic cups, spoons and bowls and encourage him to go dig (dirt and water and kids just go together). Or fill a can with water and tell your little kids to paint a fence. (I don’t know why that one works but it kept my three boys busy for hours). The truth is many of our kids are “nature and play deprived” which is a tragedy! Thirty years of research proves that outdoor free play is crucial for our kids social, emotional, cognitive and physical development.
Think boxes…boxes…boxes (did I say boxes?) The Smithsonian voted the cardboard box as the absolute best toy – ever. Stock up on them – and every size from small jewelry boxes to refrigerator crates. They’re not only free but also can provide hours of imaginative play. Give your kids marking pens and masking tape and they can make igloos, forts, villages, castles, garages, storefronts and hotels. Give them flashlights and they can turn them into caves. Put sheets over the top of boxes and chairs and there’s a whole new dimension.
Teach unplugged games. I love Bobbi Conner’s great book, Unplugged Play. It’s a parent and teacher must because it’s chock full of fabulous outdoor ideas. It also has dozens of great childhood games like Mother May I, Duck, Duck, Goose, Round Robin that you can teach your child. Just teach it once and your kid can teach the rest of the neighborhood. And while you’re at it, why not marbles, jacks, and hula hoops? Playground games are great and kids can play them anywhere!
Create “Boredom Boxes.” Start looking around your house for recyclable items and put them into shoeboxes. Save things like tin foil scraps, paper towel tubes, bubble wrap, and popsicle sticks (just keep a bag under your sink). Or clear out your drawers of extra pens, paper clips or scarves. Put a few objects that might go together and the box becomes an instant “mini entertainment centers.” When your child says, “I’m bored, just point to a box. The best thing is it doesn’t cost a dime, takes you five minutes to put the objects together and keeps your kid occupied for hours. I showed two sample Boredom Boxes on Today segment so if you’re looking for visual cue, just view the tape. Here are a few Boredom Boxes (and there are endless possibilities–be creative and get your kids involved!):
- Picasso Box: Glue, empty toilet paper rolls, popsicle sticks, paper clips and sheets of tinfoil. (Great for kids who like to do things with their hands)
- Frank Lloyd Wright Box: Hammer, nails, wood pieces, sandpaper (For your more active little one)
- Van Gogh Box: Paper, crayons, pencils, paint, paintbrush
- Coco Channel Box: Hats, scarves, old shirts, torn sheets, bath towels (for capes) for dress up and pretend.
- Nathan Lane Box: Paper, pencils, or a journal. Draw out your kid’s singing, dancing, writing, or acting talent and suggest they write, direct and perform plays (for the neighborhood, their family, or certainly grandma and grandpa.
- Paul McCartney Box: Make musical instruments out of paper tubes, wax paper and a rubber band or put a kazoo inside. Look around your house for any kinds of objects that make fun sounds.
Now the absolute last thing I’m suggesting you do is all this stuff. But why not just trying one new thing this summer? Just one. Stick to a realistic plan that works for your family. And then if one of your kids just dares to say, “I’m bored!” tell them you have the perfect solution. It’s a list of household chores that you just happen to have posted on the fridge. I bet you anything he’ll find something to do.
There! Isn’t it ironic that we have to teach kids how to play and occupy “alone time”? Beware, childhood is being redefined, and it’s not always positive. I’m a big one for kids and lemonade stands, cloud gazing, daisy chains and ball bouncing. I’m also convinced just a little more time in the dirt and water would reduce a lot of kid stress. Hopefully I’m not the only one!
For more resources on this topic, refer chapters in The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries: Dependence, Separation Anxiety, Fears, Resourceful, Independence, follow me on twitter @micheleborba or join the blog feed of my daily blogs on my website, MicheleBorba.com
Tags: Michele Borba, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff
Sue Scheff: How Does Your Child Care Provider Rank? New Study Released – Quality Care Results in Smarter Teens
by Sue Scheff on May 17, 2010
As this new study was just released, parents are scrambling to see where their child care provider ranks. The key to child care provider, says Parenting Experts and Author, Dr. Michele Borba, is interaction! Is your child care provider getting involved in your child’s activities or are they just being a babysitter? Watch video below.
The federally funded study, which has been tracking more than 1,300 children since 1991, found that obedience and academic problems among those who received low-quality care in their first 4 1/2 years of life persisted through their 15th birthdays, suggesting the potential for lifelong difficulties.
These results underscore the importance of interaction between children and their daytime caregivers according to experts.
Reference Washington Post.
Michele Borba lists Ten Key Questions to Ask Day Care Providers.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself and the staff in making your final decision according to Parenting Expert, Michele Borba:
1. Does this seem like a place my child would like to be? Use your instinct on this one. Can you see your child fitting in and being comfortable in this environment? Are the children enjoying themselves? Do they appear to be happy and active? Is there a variety of activities that are age-appropriate for the children? You know your child better than anyone, so rely on your instincts.
2. Are there rich, interactive language experiences? Watch the staff interaction with the children closely. Are they talking with the children? Are the children communicating with the staff? Are there rich language experiences and if so are they “hands-on” (not just paper and pencil)? For instance, is the staff reading, speaking, listening to the children? Are there outings, art, dress up, and play type of activities in which children can communicate with peers? Is there a television and if so, is it being used as a “baby sitter”?
3. Is the staff knowledgeable about child development? Ask the staff what their philosophy about early childhood education is (don’t worry if you don’t know their answer – make sure they have one). Ask how the staff is trained in child development and how frequently? How many of the staff are credentialed in early childhood education? How do they stay current on the latest child development research (such as this study)? What is the educational background and credentials of the supervisor?
4. What is the daily schedule? There should be a consistent daily structure where children know what is expected. Is there a balance between physical activities and quieter ones? Watch the children. Are they doing the kinds of activities your child would enjoy doing? There must be rich language experiences and activities that stimulate cognitive growth to reap those gains. Make sure children are actively engaged in creative play, interacting with adults, and are not just sitting and doing paper and pencil tasks. Make sure the television is not used as a baby sitter! Then visualize your child in this setting: Is this a good match for your child’s needs, temperament and abilities?
5. What is the ratio between staff and children? It’s always best to have a smaller number of staff to children. You want to make sure your child is being closely watched. You also want to make sure there is positive interaction (face-to-face!!) between that caregiver and your child.
For the next 5 questions, click here.
Be sure to pick up The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, by Dr. Michele Borba. There isn’t one parenting question or concern that goes unanswered. To view a sneak peek inside this book, please read my series of BBPS (Big Book of Parenting Solutions). Parenting 101 from ungrateful children, to gifted children to sibling rivalry to talking sex with your kids today, there isn’t a topic that isn’t covered. Does your child lie? Find out why!
Also learn the Seven Deadly Parenting Styles! Go inside BBPS today! Click here for slideshow.
Take the time to be an educated parent, you will have smarter and healthier teens! Watch video and read more.
Tags: Michele Borba, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff
Sue Scheff: Parenting Teen Attitudes
by Sue Scheff on Apr 13, 2010
There is no denying it, Michele Borba is one of the leading Parent Experts today. From toddlers to teens, there isn’t a topic Dr. Borba hasn’t done research on and has given us solid answers we can use to help us be a better parent. Her recent book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, is a must have for any parent. Recently Dr. Borba posted an excellent article on my favorite subject – teenagers!
Four Steps to Thaw a Teen’s Cold Shoulder & Rebuild Your Relationship by Dr. Michele Borba
Let’s face it: teens really are a different species –and for a variety of reasons. Raging hormones, stress, sleep deprivation, growth spurts, self-consciousness and neurological wiring are just a few reasons that make teens super sensitive, moody and irritable. So let’s have a little empathy—they are stuck in the middle of childhood. They are still bit dependent but have that surge to be independent. In fact, more physical changes are happening to their bodies than at any other developmental period. Research confirms that their brains are actually wired differently so we should expect them to be a bit “difficult” and a unique species.
It’s also important to remember that there are things besides a bad attitude that can explain a cold shoulder. That’s why is crucial that you know your teen so you can spot the difference between “normal” or something else more serious that may be triggering a cold shoulder. If you’ve been getting the cold shoulder lately, here are four steps I shared on the TODAY show to help you thaw things out a bit – or discover if it could be something more. Your task is to decide if you need to go through all four steps in sequence or skip ahead until you find the step that describes your issue with your teen.
Step 1: Rule out likely culprits
Your first step is to look beyond the cold shoulder and rule out culprits that are not due to a poor relationship. Here are a few top “cold shoulder causes”–so tune up ones you can. Doing so may make a major difference in your relationship with your child.
- Stress: School, schedules, tests worrying about future, college acceptances. sleep deprived
- Peer pressure and the social scene: Girlfriends/boyfriends, fitting in, peer pressure,
- Substance abuse: Don’t overlook drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs
- Hormonal changes, a growth spurt and adolescence.
- Your attitude: Use the “Friend-Test”: Would you talk to a friend the way you relate to your teen? If your friend won’t tolerate it, it’s time to be honest and change your attitude.
- A bad habit you’ve allowed to continue. This “cold shoulder” attitude has been going on for quite sometime. The real problem is a lack of respect and you engaging with a disrespectful teens.
Step 2: Avoid communication blockers
There are a number of ways to improve a relationship with your teen, but your next step to is honestly watch how you respond to your kid. (Hint: Make sure you’re not giving your kid the cold shoulder, which can happen quite unintentionally.) Here are a few communication blockers that are almost guaranteed to tune teens out and off that you should avoid:
- Talking too much or lecturing. Say as little as possible so your teen can say as much as possible (even if it’s 15 seconds). Instead, wait. Stay a little longer. Allow your teen time to think and process.
- Sarcasm, put downs, and judgments. Teens are hypersensitive! Watch your body language. A smirk, tsk-tsk, rolling eyes, or frown shut down a teen and pronto.
- Multi-tasking. Teens hate that we multi-task because even though we are listening they don’t think we’re focusing on them. When your teen says anything, stop and focus on him.
- Intense eye contact. If your teen is super-sensitive, try talking side-by-side instead of front to front. Take advantage of talking while driving, watching television, or playing video games—all use side-by-side talking and are more comfortable for teens.
- Irritable voice tone. Interactions with teens are often like walking through a minefield. A teen’s irritability can quickly turn into a yell and spiral to the parent. Keep your voice tone calm and lowered. Give permission to walk away if things get too tense.
- Too rushed. Don’t be rushed when you’re with a teen. Build in more time to your talks. Just in case the teen does open his mouth, you don’t want to be rushed. Add time if you want to discuss something important. Irritability can cause tension – and you need time to defuse it.
Step 3. Use relationship rebuilders
Your final step is to find new ways to respond to your teen that will not only thaw his should but rebuild your relationship. Here are a few that teens tell me they appreciate. The key is to find what works with your teen. Use an attitude of “patient persistence” (translation: don’t give up!
- Learn 2 Txt! Many teens say they will respond more to their parents if they text and actually prefer texting – so get in your teen’s world. Learn to text!
- Use the 80% Positive – 20% Negative Rule: Use the “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it” (or bite your tongue) policy. The ideal to strive for is least 80% positive and 20% negative. So slowly stretch your time together without a cold shoulder or blow up. Better to be short and positive to thaw out a relationship.
- Say “I’m Sorry” Apologize when you are wrong and sincerely convey that you hope you never have “another last night.” Those two words are a lot more powerful to a teen than you realize.
- Give Kudos: Find anything your teen is doing that deserves recognition. (It’s a great way to rebuild that relationship!)
- Hope for the Truth: Find some truth in what your teen is saying–even if it seems unreasonable. You don’t have to agree with what he says. But strive to find one part where he’s right. “Can’t say I agree, but you sure are learning some great debating principles.”
- His Time + Your Time = The Right Time. Find anytime and anyway to connect. Identify the time your teen is most receptive, then use that as the optimal time to approach your teen. Hint: Most teens are sleep deprived and actually on a different time zone than adults. (One University of Minnesota study found that over half of teens studied reported feeling most awake after 3:00 pm). So adjust! They are generally most receptive (and more reflective) to talking to parents later in the evening–the exact opposite time of adults. If you want to connect, then plan to hang out later to catch your teen.
- Write Notes: If you can’t get anywhere verbally then write notes. One mom and son used a journal to write comments back and forth (which helped reduce conflict and rebuild the relationship).
Step 4. Know when to seek help
There are times when you’ve tried it all, but still no change. So when does a parent know its time to get professional help? Here are my three rules:
- Use the TOO INDEX: Is the problem going on too long, with too many other people and spilling into too many other areas of your teen’s life (not just at home but at school and with his friends). Too severe or too prolonged and always use your instinct. No one knows your teen better than yourself.
- Use the three-week rule. If things don’t improve despite your best efforts by three weeks or if things increase in intensity before three weeks and last every day for two weeks, then don’t wait. Get help!
- Use your gut instinct. Come on. NOBODY knows your teen better than you. If you have that feeling deep down that something is wrong, then just pick up the phone and get help! Please!
One dad told me the relationship was so cold between he and his teen that communication was impossible. The dad refused to give up, and wrote a note every night and left it on his teen’s pillow stating his love. His goal he told me was to somehow convey to his child that he loved him no matter what and nothing would ever change his love. Weeks went by and the dad kept leaving those notes, but the teen never said a thing. One day the dad couldn’t find his belt, was late for work, and remembered his son had borrowed it. He went into the teen’s room (which he’d searching for the belt – looked under the bed and found a cigar box. Prepared for the worse (i.e. drugs) he opened it and was shocked. Every note he’d written his son was there in that box.
Order Dr. Michele Borba’s latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions today. There isn’t a topic she doesn’t cover!
Tags: Michele Borba, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Sue Scheff, Teen Attitude
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