Sue Scheff: Mean Girls Online
by Sue Scheff on Feb 05, 2010
Jane Balvanz an educator and a Female Friend Expert, she recently wrote an extremely timely and important article about raising our girls today. Parenting today’s teens and tweens can be challenging and with the added stress of the Internet and cyberbullying, it can be downright impossible to keep up with.
Do mean girls grow up to be mean women? Jane Balvanz asked this question and has some great insights. Life is about change, as parents we need to guide our daughters and help them to understand that being mean is not cool.
Relational Aggression in Women: What Are We Teaching Our Girls Online?
By Jane Balvanz
A two-year-old child died recently. He drowned in a swimming pool, a parent’s true nightmare. Controversy immediately arose online, because the child’s mother tweeted the accident and eventually announced his death. Her Twitter timeline showed she had been tweeting most of the day.
In reaction, online moms tweeted support and made suggestions about fundraising for the bereaved family. Others questioned the validity of the death before it was confirmed and cautioned about sending money in case it might be a hoax. Once the death was verified, two clear factions formed. One supported the grieving mother and her choice of tweeting shortly before and after her son’s death. The other questioned the mother’s parenting abilities, suggesting her attention to Twitter led to her son’s death. It devolved from there and went viral. Words became weapons.
Passion and Drama in 140 Characters or Less
The Internet is a wonderful tool that offers ways to give and receive information in a heartbeat. It can also be used to extend help or inflict hurt. In this case, relational aggression (emotional bullying) started within seconds of a mom announcing her child fell into a pool. Twitter is fast. Information flies as rapidly as you can type 140 characters and press send. Even though many heads of reason and compassion were part of this situation, passion and drama took over. Incivility prevailed.
There were tweeted threats (some serious), name-calling, campaigns, taunting, and cyber defaming. National news took notice and various blogs called the participants “mean girls.” These weren’t girls, though. They were grown women.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
Visit www.awaythrough.com for more information on female friendships.
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Tags: Bullying, Mean Girls, Parenting Girls, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing
Sue Scheff: Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
by Sue Scheff on Feb 03, 2010
Part 2 with guest Jane Balvanz, educator and Female Friend Expert.
If you missed part 1, go back.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
I want to answer that question with a resounding, “No,” but I can’t. I can’t answer it affirmatively, either. We humans all try on the roles of Bully, Bystander, and Target like costumes at some point in our lives. We decide what serves us best. No one wants to think herself or himself a bully; some of us are, though. A plethora of literature exists telling us how to deal with adult bullies: bully bosses, difficult people, and abusive partners.
Children Live What They Learn (and They Know More Than We Think)
Adults play a huge role in children’s lives, and parents are their most important teachers. Children absorb the parts of us we’re proud of as well as the parts we wish not to reveal. If any girls were watching this Twitter war (and I bet some were), they would have witnessed prime examples of grownups bullying.
When we teach our girls to display a certain level of human respect and kindness but don’t practice what we preach, they become confused. What if our kids don’t actually see us acting incongruous to what we expect from them? They intuit it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in over twenty-five years of working with kids, it’s that they see and hear more than we think. If we live hypocritically, they eventually figure it out.
What Example Do You Want to Set?
As parents or individuals who work with girls, we have to live what we want them to learn. We need to be authentic and demonstrate respect for others. If we want to help our girls avoid earning the label of “mean girl,” we need to lead by example. Here are five basic tips for parents and other adults who influence children to keep in mind online or in real life (IRL).
- Avoid character assassinations. Speak or write of behaviors you find objectionable rather than people you don’t like.
- Watch what you write online. It may be your blog or your tweets, but making disparaging remarks about others is bullying. Sometimes little girls petulantly say, “It’s my house, and I can do what I want.” We know that tends to be a precursor to upcoming bullying behavior. Some bloggers write, “It’s my blog, and I can say what I want.” They’re right. They can say what they like. Anyone can say what they want when they want, and bullying is still bullying.
- Think before you speak or write. If you can’t say something positive about others, keep quiet and think about it. Think for a long, long time. Keep thinking.
- Think of your words as toothpaste. Once you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, it’s out. There’s no getting it back in. The same can be said about words – once out they can’t be unsaid. Once they’re online, they’re permanent.
- Apologize when you mess up. We’ve all said or written things we regret. Girls need to see adults own up to their mistakes. It helps them realize we all make mistakes and are accountable for them online and off. Do what you can to mend the situation.
- Imagine your legacy. Test your words to see if they represent how you want to be defined. If your words would land you in the principal’s office as a kid, posting them online will probably earn you the reputation of Bully or Trash Talker rather the Speaker of Truth or Defender of the First Amendment. How do you want to be remembered?
Thanks to Jane for permission to share this valuable article and information. Learn more about Female Friendships at www.awaythrough.com.
Did you miss part 1? Go back. <<<<
Be an educated parent, you will have safer teens!
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Tags: Bullying, Mean Girls, Parenting, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teasing, Teen Issues
Sue Scheff: Girls can be mean – Be an educated parent
by Sue Scheff on Oct 14, 2009
Girls can be mean. That has been proven over and over again. Whether it is jealousy, or a sense that one girl is better than another – mean girls bring bullying to another level. Growing up we always heard about “sticks and stone can break your bones, but words can never hurt you.” That is simply not true. Words can hurt emotionally and cause many negative feelings including low self esteem, depression, headaches and other illnesses.
Learn more about the effects of bullying, mean girls and how to help your daughter if she is being harassed by other girls (and boys).
Source: Education.com
What to do About the Mean Girl
If you have a daughter, take the time to read this. It could save her a lot of heartache. Not to mention stomach aches, headaches, missed days of school, lower grades, eating issues and depression.
The sad truth is that every school, whether public, private or parochial, has mean girls. I bet you can still even remember who they are from your school. As a school counselor and mother of three daughters, I know firsthand – both personally and professionally – how much it hurts when girls are targeted by bullies.
The old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” couldn’t be further from the truth. While boys usually bully through intimidation, girls bully through exclusion, also called relational aggression. Here’s an example of a case of relational bullying, taken from my experience as a school counselor:
“Heather” was miserable because a girl in her class, “Leslie,” was not only saying mean things to her face, but getting the other girls in the class to exclude her with the age old line “You can’t be friends with me, if you’re friends with her.” In our sessions, Heather would complain that she didn’t have anyone to play with because girls were afraid that if they hung around her they’d become Leslie’s next target. Leslie had immense influence over the social dynamic among these girls.
In order to improve the situation, I had to not only reduce the power Leslie had, but empower Heather as well. Here are some ideas that helped, adapted for use by parents:
- Ask for specifics when your daughter hints at bullying. Who? Where? How?
- Tell the principal and classroom teacher the specifics of how she is being bullied. Have them tell other teachers (i.e., gym, art, music), recess aides, hallway monitors and cafeteria staff so that everyone who comes in contact with her can be on the lookout and poised to intervene.
- Explain to her that reporting an incident is not the same as tattling, and have her tell an adult at school when she is being bullied.
- Encourage her to stick with a friend at recess, lunch, in the hallways, on the bus or walking home because she is more likely to be targeted when she is alone.
- Teach her to convey self-confidence by walking confidently, with her head up. Bullies target those they think are weaker.
- Pay attention to how she is sleeping, eating, feeling and doing in school. If you notice changes in any of these areas, have her see the school counselor.
- Arrange opportunities for your daughter to socialize with her friends outside of school to help her maintain a strong social support system.
In Heather’s case, these steps alleviated the problem. But because it’s tougher to catch girl bullies, it’s extremely important for girls to tell an adult if they are being bullied. Unlike boys, who usually bully physically, mean girls often spread rumors, whisper as their target walks by, talk loudly about a party she wasn’t invited to, give her the silent treatment, and as discussed above, tell others not to be friends with her. School personnel are there to help, but in order to do anything they must know a problem exists!
To read more about relational aggression, I recommend the following books:
- Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
- Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
Shannon Hutton has a Master’s of Education, and currently works as a school counselor for kindergarten through eighth grade. She counsels students on a host of issues, including anger management, peer relationships, divorce, and test anxiety. She is the mother of three children.
Tags: Bullying, Education.com, Mean Girls, Parenting, parenting advice, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Stop Bullying, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Help, Teen Issues
