by Sue Scheff on Oct 10, 2009
Does today’s younger generation have less respect than past generations? According to a recent poll, the answer is “yes.” Do we need a poll to tell us that? Years ago we were never calling our parents friends by their first name. When our parents told us to be in by 10pm, we were in by 9:50pm to be sure we were on time.
Today, it seems many teens are stretching boundaries, using extremely disrespectful tones and words to their parents and in some cases have driven their parents to their wit’s end.
What can parents do? How does it start? Where does it start and more important, how do we get it to stop?
Source: Connect with Kids
Civility
“Sometimes we get recognized for bad behavior and in a competitive, complex world where everybody is sort of vying for attention, and people are accepting bad behavior and seeing people get recognized for bad behavior, it’s normal for children unless they are taught otherwise, to follow that.”
– Stacey DeWitt, President, Connect with Kids
Serena Williams curses at a line judge, Congressman Joe Wilson yells at the President, a rap star interrupts an award show. And, at the same time, the Parents Television Council reports that children today use more coarse language and cuss words than ever before. Is there a connection?
Fifteen-year-old Michelle was constantly in trouble at school. “I just had no respect for anyone or anything,” she says. “I definitely wasn’t a nice person.”
She says nearly every day she was sent to the principal’s office. And the first impression she left on Assistant Principal Eric King: “Nasty, just, she was a freshman girl who I think was referred the first time for cursing in the hall, yelling actually curse words in the hall.”
King says he talked to her parents at least 15 times on the phone. Her father, Al Di Tizio, remembers, “He said, ‘Mr. DiTizio, Michelle’s language is just out of control’.”
A tennis star curses, a Congressman interrupts the President, a rap star steals the microphone. And, all the while, experts say, kids are watching. “Sometimes we get recognized for bad behavior and in a competitive, complex world where everybody is sort of vying for attention, and people are accepting bad behavior and seeing people get recognized for bad behavior, it’s normal for children unless they are taught otherwise, to follow that,” explains Stacey DeWitt, President of Connect with Kids.
In order to raise respectful and courteous kids, DeWitt says parents need to ask themselves a couple of questions: “A – are we teaching our children about that, are we actually sitting down and actually talking to them about how they should behave… and B – are we modeling it. Are we teaching them to manage their behavior and are we showing them how to manage behavior because we manage our own?”
Michelle was suspended and got detention, but school staff never yelled at her, never insulted her, never said she was a “bad” person. And today she is on the honor roll and no longer in trouble. Why?
“Probably the look on their faces most of the time,” Michelle says. “Because it was just like a look of shame and I was tired of, you know, having people look down upon me. And I was tired of being like a failure, you know?”
“Deep down she started to say ‘my goodness it’s going to be easier for me to just be good’ or basically to just live up to the expectations,” says Assistant Principal King.
It just got easier to be good.
Tips for Parents
Does today’s younger generation have less respect than past generations? According to a recent poll, the answer is “yes.” Consider the following results:
- Nearly 75 percent of Americans thought manners were worse today than 20 or 30 years ago.
- Those surveyed primarily placed the blame on inadequate parenting.
- People also cited movies and television shows as influencing children to be less respectful.
According to Sara Alice Tucker, a fourth grade teacher in Cornelia, Ga., school curriculum can incorporate learning about respect and manners. Some suggestions include:
- Write/publish original books or short stories about good manners.
- Create “problem manners” stories for the rest of the class to read and role-play.
- Design cards that cover the proper use of eating utensils.
- Make videos of people properly greeting and introducing others.
- Take digital pictures of children using good manners, then add text to turn them into posters.
By the time children enter grade school, the groundwork for how they will respond to authority figures has already been laid. That’s not to say that children can’t correct bad behavior or change their attitudes, but their home situation plays a significant role in their character development. Experts at Friends Hospital in Philadelphia have created a list of ways to help prevent behavioral problems:
- Establish “together time,” including a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your child, even if it’s just going out for ice cream.
- Don’t be afraid to ask where, what, who, when — where your kids are going, who they’ll be with, when they’ll be home. Get to know your kid’s friends – and their parents.
- Try to be home when your child gets home after school.
- Eat together often. Meals are a great time to talk about the day, bond, and build relationships.
- Become a better listener. Ask and encourage questions. Ask for your child’s input about family decisions. When you show that you’re willing to listen, your child will feel more comfortable about opening up to you.
- Don’t react in a way that will cut off further discussion. If your child says things that challenge or shock you, turn them into a calm discussion.
- Be a day-to-day example of your value system. Show the compassion, honesty, generosity and openness you want your child to have.
- Know that there is no such thing as “do as I say, not as I do” when it comes to your kids.
- Examine your own behavior. Make sure it is consistent with what you want to teach your kids.
- Reward good behavior consistently and immediately. Expressions of love, appreciation and thanks go a long way – even for kids who think they’re too old for hugs.
- Accentuate the positive. Emphasize what your children do right. Restrain the urge to be critical. Affection and respect will reinforce good behavior (and can change bad behavior.) Embarrassment or uneasiness won’t.
- Create rules. Discuss in advance the consequences of breaking rules. Don’t make empty threats or let the rule-breaker off easy. Don’t impose harsh or new, unexpected punishments, either.
- Set a curfew. Enforce it strictly, but be ready to negotiate on special occasions.
- Have kids check in at regular times.
- Call the parents of a child who is having a home party to make sure that there will be adult supervision. On the night of the party, don’t be afraid to stop by to say hello (and make sure that a parent is home).
- Listen to your instincts. Don’t be afraid to intervene if your gut tells you something is wrong.
- Let your children know how much you care, especially when they are having problems.
- Keep a positive attitude about your ability to be a parent.
- Take care of yourself. Meet your needs for support with other adults so you can establish healthy parent-child boundaries.
- Take time to teach your children values while they are young. Live your own values every day.
- Make your home a safe, secure and positive environment. Provide appropriate privacy for each family member.
- Get involved in your child’s school, your neighborhood and your community. You are responsible for parenting your child — not teachers and other authority figures in your child’s life.
- Set clear rules and limits for your children. However, as your children grow, be flexible and adjust the rules and limits accordingly. Don’t forget to help children learn to set their own limits, too.
- Follow through with consequences for your children’s misbehavior. Be certain the consequences are immediate and relate to the misbehavior, not your anger.
- Let your children take responsibility for their own actions. They will learn quickly if misbehavior results in unpleasant natural consequences.
- Be a guide for your children. Offer to help with homework, in social situations and with concerns about the future. Help them direct and redirect their energy and to understand and express their feelings.
- You are separate from your child. Let go of the responsibility for all your children’s feelings or outcomes of their decisions. Your children’s successes or failures are theirs, not yours.
- Create a foundation of mutual appreciation, support and respect; this is the basis of your relationship into their adult years.
References
- Teenagers Today
- Education World
- Friends Hospital
Tags: Connect with Kids, Defiant Teens, Disrespect for Authority, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Respect, Troubled Teens, Wits End
by Sue Scheff on Jul 27, 2009
Plain Talk and Straight Answers for Parents of Troubled Teens
Wit’s End is the shockingly gripping story of how Sue Scheff, a parent of a formerly troubled teen, turned her mistakes—and her relationship with her daughter—around. This highly practical and prescriptive book calls upon Scheff’s personal experiences with finding help for her daughter. It includes the same advice that Scheff offers parents through her internationally recognized organization Parents’ Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.)—an advocacy group that draws parents together and helps them find ways to protect their children from destructive influences by educating them about the issues their family faces and creating a safe environment to revive familial bonds.
Using the same criteria P.U.R.E. uses to research residential treatment centers and other teen-help programs around the world, Wit’s End provides positive, prescriptive help for families who want to put their children on the road to a safe, healthy, happy, and independent adulthood.
Wit’s End is a much-needed guide—written by a parent who has been there—that helps parents navigate the choices and methods available to them and their child. It serves as an action plan that empowers parents—and their children—toward healing.
Order today at www.witsendbook.com or on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders and all book sellers.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Parenting, Parenting Books, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Help Programs, Troubled Teens, Wits End
by Sue Scheff on Jul 12, 2009
With my organization, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, we hear from parents on a daily basis. I can’t count the number of times parents call us when their teenager has become or nearing the legal age to be considered an adult (18 years old) and realize that all their hoping and praying that the negative behavior would change, is only escalating. Don’t be a parent in denial – be a responsible parent and help to get your teenager on a positive track for their future. Don’t wait until you are at your Wit’s End!
“My 18 year old is out of control and I am at my wits end! What can I do?” – Anonymous Parent.
18 – 19 year old teens can be the most difficult to address simply because they are considered adults and cannot be forced to get help. As parents, we have limited to no control. Practicing “Tough Love” is easier said than done, many parents cannot let their child reach rock bottom – as parent’s, we see our child suffering – whether it is needing groceries or a roof over their head and it is hard to shut the door on them.
I think this is one of the most important reasons that if you are a parent of a 16-17 year old that is out of control, struggling, defiant, using drugs and alcohol, or other negative behavior – I believe it is time to look for intervention NOW. I am not saying it needs to be a residential treatment center or a program out of the home, but at least start with local resources such as therapists that specialize with adolescents and preferable offer support groups.
It is unfortunate that in most cases the local therapy is very limited how it can help your teen. The one hour once a week or even twice, is usually not enough to make permanent changes. Furthermore getting your defiant teen to attend sessions can sometimes cause more friction and frustrations than is already happening.
This is the time to consider outside help such as a Therapeutic Boarding School or Residential Treatment Center. However these parents with the 18-19 year olds have usually missed their opportunity. They were hoping and praying that at 16 – 17 things would change, but unfortunately, if not address, the negative behavior usually escalates.
In the past 9+ years I have heard from thousands of parents – and most are hoping to get their child through High School and will be satisfied with a GED. It is truly a sad society of today’s teens when many believe they can simply drop out of school. Starting as early as 14 years old, many teens are thinking this way and we need to be sure they know the consequences of not getting an education. Education in today’s world should be our children’s priority however with today’s peer pressure and entitlement issues, it seems to have drifted from education to defiance – being happy just having fun and not being responsible.
I think there are many parents that debate whether they should take that desperate measure of sending a child to a program and having them escorted there – but in the long run – you need to look at these parents that have 18-19 year olds that don’t have that opportunity. While you have this option, and it is a major decision that needs to be handled with the utmost reality of what will happen if things don’t change. The closer they are to 18 – the more serious issues can become legally. If a 17+ year old gets in trouble with the law, in many states they will be tried as an adult. This can be scary since most of these kids are good kids making very bad choices and don’t deserve to get caught up the system. As a parent I believe it is our responsible not to be selfish and be open to sending the outside of the home. It is important not to view this as a failure as a parent, but as a responsible parent that is willing to sacrifice your personal feelings to get your child the help they need.
At 18, it is unfortunate, these kids are considered adults – and as parents we basically lose control to get them the help they need. In many cases, if teen/adult know they have no other alternatives and this is the only option the parents will support, they will attend.
A powerful Parent Memoir, A Beautiful Boy, by David Sheff is one I always recommend to parents – especially those with 17+ year olds. It is also one of my absolute favorites.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Parenting, parenting advice, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Substance Abuse, Sue Scheff, Teen Depression, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help Programs, Troubled Teens, Wits End
by Sue Scheff on Apr 07, 2009
More from SAMSHA:
SAMSHA has created a site (http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/cfoy.aspx) that provides quick links to information in packaged bundles, available for quick download or mail order. These resources provide tips for families and educators to talk to teens about drug use. This is a great opportunity to access legitimate research and gather additional facts on signs and symptoms of drug use, tips for addressing teen use of hallucinogens, club drugs, heroin, and methamphetamines, and family guides (also available in Spanish) designed to facilitate a healthy and open discussion about raising drug free teens.
Quick, easy to read information is available, such as these signs of possible drug use:
• Skipping classes or not doing well in school
• Unusual odors on their clothes or in their room
• Hostility or lack of cooperation
• Physical changes (red eyes, runny nose)
• Borrowing money often, or suddenly having extra cash
• Lack of interest in activities
• Significant mood changes
• Loss of interest in personal appearance
• Change in friends
• Heightened secrecy about actions or possessions
Our website (http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/cfoy.aspx) will provide the information needed to arm yourself with the right tools to quickly and easily get the facts you need to talk to teens about drugs. If you like, you can download a free badge that you can add to your blog to show your support for education and communication around teen drug use. The badge will link directly to SAMSHA’s resources and provide a quick reference guide for your readers.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Parenting, Parenting Blogs, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, SAMSHA, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Use, Teen Health, Teen Help
by Sue Scheff on Feb 17, 2009
After speaking with a mother yesterday in Northern Florida, she introduced me to another valuable website of information for other parents. Parents’ Universal Resource Experts is based on parents helping parents and this is another example of it.
Source: www.ihelpparents.com
What you as a parent will need to change unwanted child behavior?
1. A commitment: We can’t keep you from giving up on your child. Only you can stay committed to parenting.
2. A plan: Without a plan you will not succeed.
3. Support: Without someone to stand with you, to encourage you and to guide you, you will fail. Changing unwanted, defiant child behavior is just too difficult to go it alone.
If you have these three necessary requirements, we are ready to help you. We can show you what to do and how to do it, but we can’t do it for you. That’s the parent’s job. We have lots of success in helping parents change unwanted child behavior from 7 to 17.
We can help every parent develop a plan. The parenting plan we facilitate is the nation’s best parenting program. It’s call the Parent Project, www.parentproject.com, and they are already in 32 states. This program has been around for 20 years. It’s not on trial. Whether this parenting plan works is totally based on your ability to execute the Parent Project parenting plan.
Learn more here.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Parenting, Parenting Struggling Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Use
by Sue Scheff on Feb 06, 2009
Are you struggling with debating whether you need to look for outside help with your troubled teenager?
Are you ready to make some very difficult decisions? Are you at your wit’s end?
Do you believe you need teen intervention from outside resources? Struggling financially and emotionally with this decision?
Are you willing to share your story on TV? This is not about exploiting your family, but helping others that are silently suffering and not realizing they are not alone as well as giving your teen a second opportunity at a bright future. Most remember Brat Camp – this is a bit different. Starting with educating parents about the first steps in getting your teen help - determination and transportation.
If you are interested in participating, read below and contact Bud and Evan directly.
Brentwood Communications International is an award-winning television production company in Los Angeles, California. We have recently begun work on a new television series about the real life work of interventionist / transporter Evan James Malmuth of Universal Intervention Services (“UIS”).
If you would be willing to allow us to film your case / intervention for the television series, Evan Malmuth and Universal Intervention Services will provide intervention / transportation services at no charge to you. In addition, we will negotiate at least one month of treatment services at a qualified treatment center at no charge with the purchase of at least two additional months of treatment at pre-negotiated discount rates. At the current rate of these services, this represents thousands of dollars in savings.
BCII and Evan Malmuth are not interested in making exploitative reality television. We are committed to helping you and your family and improving lives through the media.
If you are interested in participating in the show and using the services of Evan Malmuth and UIS, please contact us right away. Every day counts.
Email: tvhelp@bciitv.com
Phone: 818-333-3685
With best regards,
Bud Brutsman Evan James Malmuth
CEO CEO
Brentwood Communications Intl., Inc. Universal Intervention Services
Brentwood Communications International, Inc.
3500 N. San Fernando Blvd., Burbank, CA 91505
Tags: At Risk Teens, Brat Camp, Defiant Teens, Evan Malmouth, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen drug addiction, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Intervention, Teen Transport, Teen Transportation, Troubled Teens
by Sue Scheff on Jan 07, 2009
As a mom of an ADHD son, I remember the adolescent years – they were not always the easiest. ADDitude Magazine has some great parenting tips, ideas and answers to help parents today. Years ago I don’t recall as much information was available to us.
ADHD behavior issues often partner with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) — making discipline a challenge. Try these strategies for parents of ADD kids.
Every parent of a child with attention deficit disorder knows what it’s like to deal with
ADHD behavior problems — sometimes a child lashes out or refuses to comply with even the most benign request. But about half of all parents who have children with live with severe behavior problems and
discipline challenges on an almost daily basis.
That’s because 40 percent of children with ADHD also develop oppositional defiant disorder, a condition marked by chronic aggression, frequent outbursts, and a tendency to argue, ignore requests, and engage in intentionally annoying behavior.
How bad can it get? Consider these real-life children diagnosed with both ADHD and ODD:
- A 4-year-old who gleefully annoys her parents by blasting the TV at top volume as soon she wakes up.
- A 7-year-old who shouts “No” to every request and who showers his parents with verbal abuse.
- An 11-year-old who punches a hole in the wall and then physically assaults his mother.
“I call them tiny terrors,” says Douglas Riley, Ph.D., author of The Defiant Child and a child psychologist in Newport News, Virginia. “These children are most comfortable when they’re in the middle of a conflict. As soon as you begin arguing with them, you’re on their turf. They keep throwing out the bait, and their parents keep taking it — until finally the parents end up with the kid in family therapy, wondering where they’ve gone wrong.”
The strain of dealing with an oppositional child affects the entire family. The toll on the marital relationship can be especially severe. In part, this is because friends and relatives tend to blame the behavior on ‘bad parenting.’ Inconsistent discipline may play a role in the development of ODD, but is rarely the sole cause. The unfortunate reality is that discipline strategies that work with normal children simply don’t work with ODD kids.
Fortunately, psychologists have developed effective behavior therapy for reining in even the most defiant child. It’s not always easy, but it can be done — typically with the help of specialized psychotherapy.
Looking for links
No one knows why so many kids with ADHD exhibit oppositional behavior. In many cases, however, oppositional behavior seems to be a manifestation of ADHD-related impulsivity.
“Many ADHD kids who are diagnosed with ODD are really showing oppositional characteristics by default,” says Houston-based child psychologist Carol Brady, Ph.D. “They misbehave not because they’re intentionally oppositional, but because they can’t control their impulses.”
Another view is that oppositional behavior is simply a way for kids to cope with the frustration and emotional pain associated with having ADHD.
“When under stress — whether it’s because they have ADHD or their parents are getting divorced — a certain percentage of kids externalize the anxiety and depression they’re feeling,” says Larry Silver, M.D., a psychiatrist at Georgetown University Medical School in Washington, D.C. “Everything becomes everyone else’s fault, and the child doesn’t take responsibility for anything that goes wrong.”
Riley agrees. “Children with ADHD know from a young age that they’re different from other kids,” he says. “They see themselves as getting in more trouble, and in some cases may have more difficulty mastering academic work — often despite an above-average intellect. So instead of feeling stupid, their defense is to feel cool. They hone their oppositional attitude.”
About half of all preschoolers diagnosed with ODD outgrow the problem by age 8. Older kids with ODD are less likely to outgrow it. And left untreated, oppositional behavior can evolve into conduct disorder, an even more serious behavioral problem marked by physical violence, stealing, running away from home, fire-setting, and other highly destructive and often illegal behaviors.
Getting treatment
Any child with ADHD who exhibits signs of oppositional behavior needs appropriate treatment. The first step is to make sure that the child’s ADHD is under control. “Since oppositional behavior is often related to stress,” says Silver, “you have to address the source of the stress — the ADHD symptoms — before turning to behavioral issues.”
Says Riley, “If a kid is so impulsive or distracted that he can’t focus on the therapies we use to treat oppositional behavior,” he says, “he isn’t going to get very far. And for many ADHD kids with oppositional behavior, the stimulant medications are a kind of miracle. A lot of the bad behavior simply drops off.”
But ADHD medication is seldom all that’s needed to control oppositional behavior. If a child exhibits only mild or infrequent oppositional behavior, do-it-yourself behavior-modification techniques (see Getting Your Child to Behave) may well do the trick. But if the oppositional behavior is severe enough to disrupt life at home or school, it’s best to consult a family therapist trained in childhood behavioral problems.
Continue reading this article…
Tags: ADD, ADD/ADHD, ADDitude Magazine, ADHD, Defiant Teens, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Parenting ADD Teens, Parenting ADHD Kids, Parenting Articles, Sue Scheff
by Sue Scheff on Dec 13, 2008
Are you at your wit’s end?
Are you experiencing any of the following situations or feeling at a complete loss or a failure as a parent? You are not alone and by being a proactive parent you are taking the first step towards healing and bringing your family back together.
- Is your teen escalating out of control?
- Is your teen becoming more and more defiant and disrespectful?
- Is your teen manipulative? Running your household?
- Are you hostage in your own home by your teen’s negative behavior?
- Is your teen angry, violent or rage outbursts?
- Is your teen verbally abusive?
- Is your teen rebellious, destructive and withdrawn?
- Is your teen aggressive towards others or animals?
- Is your teen using drugs and/or alcohol?
- Does your teen belong to a gang?
- Do they frequently runaway or leave home for extended periods of time?
- Has their appearance changed – piercing, tattoo’s, inappropriate clothing?
- Has your teen stopped participating in sports, clubs, church and family functions? Have they become withdrawn from society?
- Is your teen very intelligent yet not working up to their potential? Underachiever? Capable of doing the work yet not interested in education.
- Does he/she steal?
- Is your teen sexually active?
- Teen pregnancy?
- Is your teen a good kid but making bad choices?
- Undesirable peers? Is your teen a follower or a leader?
- Low self esteem and low self worth?
- Lack of motivation? Low energy?
- Mood Swings? Anxiety?
- Teen depression that leads to negative behavior?
- Eating Disorders? Weight loss? Weight gain?
- Self-Harm or Self Mutilation?
- High School drop-out?
- Suspended or Expelled from school?
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts?
- ADD/ADHD/LD/ODD?
- Is your teen involved in legal problems? Have they been arrested?
- Juvenile Delinquent?
- Conduct Disorder?
- Bipolar?
- Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?
Does your teen refuse to take accountability and always blame others for their mistakes?
- Do you feel hopeless, helpless and powerless over what options you have as a parent? Are you at your wit’s end?
Does any of the above sound familiar? Many parents are at their wit’s end by the time they contact us, but the most important thing many need to know is you are not alone. There is help but the parent needs to be proactive and educate themselves in getting the right help.
Many try local therapy, which is always recommended, but in most cases, this is a very temporary band-aid to a more serious problem. One or two hours a week with a therapist is usually not enough to make the major changes that need to be done.
If you feel you are at your wit’s end and are considering outside resources, please contact us. http://www.helpyourteens.com/free_information.shtml An informed parent is an educated parent and will better prepare to you to make the best decision for your child. It is critical not to place your child out of his/her element. In many cases placing a teen that is just starting to make bad choices into a hard core environment may cause more problems. Be prepared – do your homework.
Many parents are in denial and keep hoping and praying the situation is going to change. Unfortunately in many cases, the problems usually escalate without immediate attention. Don’t be parents in denial; be proactive in getting your teen the appropriate help they may need. Whether it is local therapy or outside the home assistance, be in command of the situation before it spirals out of control and you are at a place of desperation. At wit’s end is not a pleasant place to be, but so many of us have been there.
Finding the best school or program for your child is one of the most important steps a parent does. Remember, your child is not for sale – don’t get drawn into high pressure sales people, learn from my mistakes. Read my story at www.aparentstruestory.com for the mistakes I made that nearly destroyed my daughter.
In searching for schools and programs we look for the following:
· Helping Teens – not Harming them
· Building them up – not Breaking them down
· Positive and Nurturing Environments – not Punitive
· Family Involvement in Programs – not Isolation from the teen
· Protect Children – not Punish them
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Self Injury, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Drug Use, Teen Help, Teen Pressure, Troubled Teens
by Sue Scheff on Dec 09, 2008
PARENT EMPOWERMENT
By Sue Scheff Author of Wit’s End and Founder of Parents’ Universal Resource Experts
Are you at your wit’s end? Completely frustrated and stressed out over your child’s behavior? Are you questioning where the child you raised with values went? It is time to empower yourself with information that can help you take control again.
So many parents are desperate to find resolution and peace with their out of control teen. They feel helpless, hopeless, scared, exhausted, and bewildered where this behavior came from.
Many teens are suffering with low self esteem, depression and other negative feelings that are making the act out in defiant ways. It is important to try to resolve these feelings before they escalate to worse behavior, including substance abuse and addiction, sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, self injury, gang involvement, etc.
These teens are usually very intelligent and capable of getting Honor Roll grades, however are not working up to their potential and lack the motivation to succeed and do well. This can stem from peer pressure combined with the teen’s feelings of low self worth. It is one of the most common trends today – highly intelligent teens making bad choices. Are you telling yourself; “This is not my child,” yet soon realize that it is and you must take control of an obvious out of control situation.
As a parent that has experienced and survived a troubled teen – I am introducing “Parent Empowerment” to help you take control of your family again. My goal is that you will learn from my mistakes and gain from my knowledge.
Do you think you are alone? I can assure you, that there are many parents that are in your same situation – and feeling the same frustrations.
Let’s look at things we have tried – and I am confident many of you will see the familiarity with these consequences:
- Remove privileges or place restrictions on cell phones, televisions, computers, going out on weekends, friends, phone time at home, etc. In today’s society, although these should be privileges, most are considered normal necessities of a teen’s life. This can be related to entitlement issues. Many instances even if you have removed the privileges, the child knows he/she will eventually get them back, and find other means to communicate with their teen world.
- Change schools – How many times have we believed if we change the school the problems will go away? Maybe in some cases, however these issues will follow your child into the next school environment. The problems may be masked in the beginning, but in most cases, the trouble will soon arise again. Changing schools, although may temporarily resolve some problems; it is rarely the answer when teens are emotionally struggling.
- Have your child go live with a relative out of state? Wow, this is very common, but the other similarity is that in many situations it is a short term resolution before the family is calling and saying they can’t do it any longer – you need to find another alternative for the teen. This can be traumatic and stressful for both families involved and cause friction that could result in more negative feelings.
- How many families have actually moved? Believe or not, parents have looked for job transfers or other avenues to try to remove their teen from the environment they are currently in. So many of us believe it is the friends, which it could be, however as parents we need to also take accountability – this is not saying we are to blame, but we need to understand that our children are usually not the “angels” we believe they are. Sure they are athletic, played varsity sports (football, track, golf, swim team, dance etc.), musically gifted, or other special talents as well as were in all advanced placement classes – but reality is, if you are reading this, this has changed.
- Seeking a therapist will help. Yes in some cases it will. And of course, we should all try this avenue first. Unfortunately more times than not, the teens are already a master manipulator and can breeze through these sessions convincing the therapist the parents are the problem. I know many of you have probably already experienced this. The other concern with therapy is that in many situations the one hour once or twice a week can barely scratch the surface of what a family with a troubled teen may require.
- Was your child arrested? If your child has committed a crime, chances are they will be arrested. If your child has become belligerent in the home and you fear for your safety or the safety of your family, again chances are they will be arrested. In some cases with first time offenders the charges could be dropped. However if this becoming a chronic problem, you seriously should consider outside help. When a teen is arrested and placed in a juvenile detention center, even for one night, they are exposed to a different element that could either scare him/her or harden them. Teens can learn bad habits in these centers, or potentially worse, make friends with teens that have far worse problems than yours.
- Scared Straight Programs or Boot Camps – Are they effective? Many parents will seek a local weekend Scared Straight Program or Boot Camp. In some cases, it may have a positive effect on your teen – a wake up call so to speak; however in other cases it may worsen your problem. Depending on your child and the problems you are dealing with or how long they have been going on, may help you to determine if these types of programs would be beneficial or detrimental to them. Some teens will leave a Boot Camp or weekend Scared Straight program with more anger and resentment than when they entered it. The resentment is usually directed at the person that placed them there – not at the program. This can open doors to more destructive behavior. Personally, I am not in favor of Boot Camps or Scared Straight Weekend programs. A visit to a jail with a police officer, giving the teen the awareness of what could happen to them, may be a better way to help the teen to understand consequences of the current behavior.
These above efforts are avenues parents could try before considering any type of residential therapy school program. I believe exhausting all your local resources should be the first path. Making a decision to place a child outside of the home is a major decision and one that is not to be taken lightly. It is important you educate yourself – empower yourself with information to help you make the best decision for your child.
An educated parent is an empowered parent. Parent Empowerment! Take control of your family life again. Don’t be a parent in denial – take control and become empowered! I believe giving your child a second chance to have a successful life is our responsibility as a concerned parent.
Here is a preview of my new book, Wit’s End! Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen. Published by Health Communications, Inc (HCI).
Plain Talk and Straight Answers for Parents of Troubled Teens
Wit’s End is the shockingly gripping story of how Sue Scheff, a parent of a formerly troubled teen, turned her mistakes—and her relationship with her daughter—around. This highly practical and prescriptive book calls upon Scheff’s personal experiences with finding help for her daughter. It includes the same advice that Scheff offers parents through her internationally recognized organization Parents’ Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.)—an advocacy group that draws parents together and helps them find ways to protect their children from destructive influences by educating them about the issues their family faces and creating a safe environment to revive familial bonds.
Using the same criteria P.U.R.E. uses to research residential treatment centers and other teen-help programs around the world; Wit’s End provides positive, prescriptive help for families who want to put their children on the road to a safe, healthy, happy, and independent adulthood.
Wit’s End is a much-needed guide—written by a parent who has been there—that helps parents navigate the choices and methods available to them and their child. It serves as an action plan that empowers parents—and their children—toward healing.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Parent Empowerment, Parenting Teens, Parents Universal Resource Experts, Peer Pressure, Struggling Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teens, Troubled, Wits End
by Sue Scheff on Dec 07, 2008
It stems back to “children need to have their self-esteem built up to make good decisions.” Today most families are either single parent or both parents are working full time. This is not the fault of the teen, nor is it the fault of the parents. It is today’s world and we must try to find the middle. Troubled teens, rebellious teens, angry teens, problem teens, difficult teens, peer pressure, depressed teens; unfortunately are part of the society of adolescents today.
Communication is always the first to go when people get busy. We have seen this over and over again. We have also experienced it and feel that our children shut us out; this can lead to difficult teens and teens with problems. Although we are tired and exhausted, along with the stress of today’s life, we need to stop and take a moment for our kids.
Talk and LISTEN to them. Ask lots of questions, get to know their friends and their friend’s parents, take part in their interests, be supportive if they are having a hard time, even if you can’t understand it; be there for them.
This all sounds so easy and so simple, but take it from parents that have walked this path, it is not easy. When a parent works a full day, has stress from the job along with household chores, not to mention the bills, it is hard to find that moment. We are all guilty of neglect at one time or another after all, we are only human and can only do so much. We feel the exhaustion mounting watching our teens grow more out of control, yet we are too tired to address it.
Out of control teens can completely disrupt a family and cause marriages to break up as well as emotional breakdowns.We know many feel it is just a stage, and with some, it may be. However most times it does escalate to where we are today. Researching for help; Parents’ Universal Resource Experts is here for you, as we have been where you are today.
Do you have a difficult teen, struggling teen, defiant teen, out of control teen, rebellious teen, angry teen, depressed teen? Do you feel hopeless, at your wits end?
Visit www.helpyourteens.com.
Tags: At Risk Teens, Defiant Teens, Difficult Teens, Out of Control Teens, Parent Universal Resource Experts, Parenting, Parenting Resources, Parenting Teens, Sue Scheff, Teen Help, Teen Issues, Troubled Teens
