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November is National Bullying Prevention Month.  Bullying has become a major and serious concern across our country and in the world.  Whether bullying is online (cyberbullying) or off, someone is being hurt.  Years ago sticks and stone hurt our bones, but words never hurt us.  Today – words are KILLING OUR CHILDREN.

For bullied kids, it’s hard to imagine a life without anxiety and fear of taunting or physical abuse, but the fact is, even in what seems like the worst bullying situations, it does eventually get better. Lots of celebrities and famous figures have recently spoken out about their experiences as the targets of bullies, and their stories offer inspiration to anyone who is bullied, whether it’s in the schoolyard or the boardroom. Read on to find out how these famous, successful people moved beyond their bullies, and how some of them even used their experiences as bullying victims to fuel their success.

Chris Rock isn’t afraid to hand out the insults these days, but back in school, he was often the target. As the only black kid in a New York City School, Rock stood out, and was frequently bullied and beaten up. According to Rock, he “got beat up just about every day. I got called n**ger every single day. I got kicked and whatever.” In fact, his experience in school was so bad, he is the subject of a true-to-life sitcom, Everybody Hates Chris, which chronicles his often painful experiences growing up in NYC. Not everyone gets an outlet like TV to share their bullying experiences, but Rock has cathartically benefited from the show: one of his former teachers sent an apology letter to him after seeing the previews, saying, “I knew it was hard on you, but I had no idea. If anything happened to you because of me, please forgive me.”

As one of the most beautiful and talented women in Hollywood, it’s hard to believe that anyone would pick on Oscar winner Kate Winslet about her looks, but it’s true. Growing up, Winslet was bullied and teased for being chubby. Her nickname at school was Blubber, and she was once even locked in the art cupboard. And although she is now adored by many worldwide, girls at school told her that no one would ever “fancy” her. Winslet may have grown out of her young awkwardness, but she has not yet shed the painful words of her youth. She says that she still feels like “the fat schoolgirl” and even now doesn’t “consider [herself] some kind of great, sexy beauty, acknowledging that magazine covers are retouched, and she’s greatly helped in films by hair, makeup, and lighting.

Miley Cyrus

Although Miley Cyrus seems to be quite popular as a teen, her pre-teen (and pre-fame) years in Tennessee were a completely different experience. At school, there was an “Anti-Miley Club” full of “big, tough girls” who were “fully capable of doing [her] bodily harm” and went above and beyond in their bullying pursuit. Cyrus was once locked in a bathroom during class: “They shoved me in. I was trapped. I banged on the door until my fists hurt. Nobody came.” Other incidents included challenging Cyrus to a fight, which only ended when the principal stepped in. And when Cyrus wasn’t being physically abused, she was being teased, with classmates telling her, “Your dad’s a one-hit wonder. You’ll never amount to anything — just like him.” Fortunately for her, Cyrus did not listen to nay-sayers, scoring the role of “Hannah Montana” and a ticket to fame and fortune.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes is known as the world’s greatest living explorer, and he has the Guinness Book of World Records title to prove it. But before he scaled the summit of Mount Everest — at the age of 65, no less — he had to face a different kind of challenge: bullies at Eton College. Growing up, Fiennes was an “attractive boy,” and at the time, it was considered normal to tease pretty boys. And tease they did, taunting Fiennes with whistles and shouts of “tart, tart,” an experience he recalls as “remorseless nastiness” that nearly drove him to suicide. But Fiennes survived bullies, much as he has survived so much else: a career in the British army, discovering the lost city of Ubar in Oman, performing a self-amputation of his necrotic fingertips, and even completing the Land Rover 7x7x7 Challenge for the British Heart Foundation, which included completing seven marathons in seven days on seven continents, just four months after suffering a heart attack and double heart bypass surgery. And his “pretty boy” attractiveness worked for him in a positive way: Fiennes was one of the final six contenders for the role of James Bond.

President Bill Clinton was once the leader of the free world, but this iconic politician came from humble beginnings. As a junior high schooler, he was picked on relentlessly for being a “fat band boy” with bad taste in clothes. Their taunting culminated in an incident at a junior high dance: one older student teased Clinton about his carpenter’s jeans, and even hit Clinton in the jaw. But Clinton did not give the bully what he wanted, choosing to stand his ground rather than fight back or back down. Clinton shares in his memoir, My Life, “I had learned that I could take a hit and that there’s more than one way to stand against aggression.” He survived the incident, and his status as a band geek paid off, with Clinton becoming a talented and celebrated saxophone player in addition to his life in public service.

Few people who were bullied ever get a chance at revenge, though we’re sure they do fantasize about it. Winona Ryder is one of the lucky few who have been able to get back at a bully, even in the smallest of ways. Although she is a popular actress, she was beaten up and taunted in middle school by students who said she looked like a boy. Ryder recalls, “I was wearing an old Salvation Army shop boy’s suit. As I went to the bathroom I heard people saying, ‘Hey, faggot’. They slammed my head into a locker. I fell to the ground and they started to kick the s**t out of me. I had to have stitches. The school kicked me out, not the bullies.” Although Ryder remembers the incident clearly, one of her bullies conveniently forgot when, years later, she ran into her at a coffee shop and asked Ryder for an autograph. Apparently, Ryder did not forgive or forget, responding, “‘Do you remember me? Remember in seventh grade you beat up that kid?’ And she said, ‘Kind of’. And I said, ‘That was me. Go f*** yourself.’” Although it’s best to forgive your bullies and move on, we’re hoping that Ryder was able to enjoy her cathartic revenge.

Michael Phelps

In 2008, Michael Phelps earned respect worldwide for his performance at the Beijing Olympic Games, as he earned the title of greatest Olympian ever with his all-time record for most individual gold Olympic medals, a total of nine. And although he has been called “amazing,” “incredible,” and even “Sportsman of the Year,” Phelps was branded with much different terms as a kid. He was taunted for his “sticky-out ears” and lisp, as well as his long arms, which ultimately took him to greatness. It seems that the taunting Phelps experienced encouraged his greatness as well, with coach Bob Bowman reporting, “Michael is the motivation machine — bad moods, good moods, he channels everything for gain.” Including, we presume, childhood taunting. Phelps is apparently able to take any adversity and turn it into a reason to train harder, going so far as to train during Christmas. His story is one of particular inspiration to bullied kids everywhere, showing that you can not only survive taunting, but turn it into motivation to be amazing.

Most people imagine that the life of a prince is quite privileged and pleasant, and although we’re sure Prince Harry has his fair share of royal privileges, he’s also gotten more than his fair share of taunting. The reason? His red hair. Although in America, red hair does not carry a stigma, in the UK, “gingers” like Harry are picked on for their colored hair and fair skin. Harry’s army pals frequently call him the “Ginger Bullet Magnet,” and have joked that they would buy ginger wigs to wear in Iraq, presumably to prevent insurgents from identifying the young prince. Harry’s girlfriend, however has a more flattering nickname: “Big Ginger.” However, Harry’s hair hasn’t kept him from success, as he is currently a captain in the Army Air Corps, with honorary military appointments in the Royal Navy and the Royal Air Force. Prince Henry is also philanthropically active, acting as patron of several charity organizations, including Sentebale, a charity he co-founded to support orphans and vulnerable children in Lesotho.

Bullying doesn’t just happen in grade school, and even the rich and famous take hits now and then. Emma Watson, one of the stars of Harry Potter, is the unfortunate proof of that. This year, Watson dropped out of Brown University, claiming that she wanted to focus on her acting career, but it is widely believed that she left due to bullying. According to fellow students, Watson was frequently mocked in classes, with students chiming in, “Three points for Gryffindor!” and other taunts when she answered questions in classes. But Watson has decided to give school another go, announcing that she will be taking part in an exchange program with Worcester College, Oxford, and completing her studies at Brown University.+

Eva Mendes is one of Hollywood’s leading ladies, but as a young girl, she suffered attacks from bullies. She explains, “I was a gawky, skinny girl with big teeth and that made me an easy target. I had two bullies and they tortured me all through junior high school.” And although they made her miserable at school, eventually, she found the courage she needed to push back against them. “Only later could I see that I was showing them my fear and that’s what they were pouncing on.” Mendes recalls, “When I finally stood up to my bully, that’s when things changed for me,” and she encourages those who are being bullied to stand up for themselves as well. Although Mendes is proud that she showed courage and fought back against her bullies, she does think they left their mark: “I’m sure those experiences explain why I’ve been so anxiety-ridden in my adult life.”

Christina Aguilere

Emma Watson isn’t the only one who has been ostracized for her fame and success: Christina Aguilera experienced bullying in school from kids who did not understand her love of performing. Aguilera has been in the spotlight since age six, and her childhood was anything but common. So while she was performing shows at night, the other kids at school were just trying to win their next soccer game and keep up with homework. Aguilera shares, “I would get a lot of cold shoulders because there was just no way they could relate to what I loved to do. You know, it’s not really normal for a child to just want to be in front of the camera and on stage … You know, it was hard for me to relate to other kids because I didn’t have the same interests.” The bullying and isolation got so bad that the tires on Aguilera’s family car were slashed, and they moved. But once she joined the Mickey Mouse Club, she enjoyed being with other kids who also enjoyed performing, and since then, Aguilera has seemed to leave her bullies behind, although she certainly seems to get beat up by the tabloids.

Jessica Simpson is another star who still deals with bullies in the media, but unfortunately, tabloids were not the first to get a crack at her. Simpson seemed to be popular in school, as a homecoming queen and cheerleader, but she reports that she was a victim of the school’s mean girl group: “I had girls egging my home, writing curse words on the sidewalk in paint — just saying really nasty things about me.” It got so bad that, sadly, she quit cheerleading, but the star credits her unfortunate youthful experiences with helping her as a high profile celebrity, learning how to deal with constant scrutiny from the media. “I grew up in that fishbowl of always being judged and watched. I really do believe that was God preparing me for the life I’m living now.”

As a celebrated Hollywood sex symbol, it’s hard to imagine an unattractive, bullied Jessica Alba growing up. But the star insists that it’s true, and that she had a terrible time fitting in at school. Her family didn’t have as much money as others in her class, she had a Texan accent, and buck teeth. She was deemed uncool, and frequently attacked for being different. Alba spent her lunches in the nurses’ office for solitude and safety, and her dad had to walk her to school so that she wouldn’t be provoked. She never fought back, not wanting to lower herself to the level of her bullies, but she did find an outlet for her frustration and fear: acting classes. Alba recalls, “The idea that for an hour I could be someone different was amazing. I was determined that this was something I was going to be good at. This was a part of my life no bully could ruin.” She says that her lessons at drama school “changed everything” and sparked a lifelong love of acting. Alba encourages others who have been bullied to use fear as fuel: “You have to make it push you to become a stronger person, in whatever way that may be.”

Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock is both beautiful and stylish, not to mention talented, but back in school, her style wasn’t exactly appreciated. The actress’ mother was a German opera singer who would bring home European clothes for the young Bullock to wear, which the other kids thought were frumpy. Bullock also suffered from a lisp, which only added to the fire. But the star made it through her bully troubles, and she credits her mother with giving her the confidence to do so, remarking, “Uniqueness was something my mother pounded into me. I’ve made peace with the fact that the things that I thought were weaknesses or flaws were just me. I like them.” She encourages girls who are going through trouble to persevere, even in the face of bullies: “Don’t change. Be who you are.”

Tom Cruise, the star of Top Gun and Mission Impossible is beloved for his talent and looks worldwide, but as a kid, he wasn’t so appreciated. Cruise’s childhood was spent on the move, as his father constantly uprooted the family to find a new source of work and support the family. As a result, he was always establishing himself over and over again at new schools: “I was always the new kid with the wrong shoes, the wrong accent. I didn’t have the friend to share things with and confide in.” And at each school, he faced the fresh experience over and over again. He was small for his age and easily pushed around. Eventually, he learned to stand up for himself, but at every new school, he had to fight over and over again. “Your heart’s pounding, you sweat, and you feel like you’re going to vomit. I’m not the biggest guy, I never liked hitting someone, but I know if I don’t hit that guy hard he’s going to pick on me all year. I go, ‘You better fight.’ I just laid it down. I don’t like bullies.” Cruise found strength and inspiration in his mother, who he says, “rose to the occasion,” supporting the family on her own with three jobs. Once seeing her success, Cruise turned a corner, deciding, “I’m going to create, for myself, who I am, not what other people say I should be.”

Source:  Online Colleges

Bullying

1.    Thirty-three percent of kids say they’re bullied “every once in a while, but not every week:”

By contrast, eight percent report it happening on a daily basis, seven percent say every week, and 52% say they’ve never experienced bullying at all.

2.    Fifty-eight percent of kids say they’ve never bullied a peer

Scarily enough, 15% reported that they do it every day, and 22% consider bullying a “once in a while” activity. Only five percent engage in bullying behaviors on a weekly basis.

3.    Victim-blamers are more likely to bully

An upcoming (at the time of this writing) study showed that elementary and middle school students are far more likely to brutalize one another if they feel a specific trait is the victim’s fault. Perspectives painting the obese as nothing but a choice, for example, even though numerous other genetic and medical factors beyond their control might be at play.

4.    Around five percent of students avoid school outright

Some school avoidance might not stem directly from bullying, but it’s still a very common motivator all the same. Depression and anxiety amplify in victims, causing physiological side effects and making many feel too ill to attend class. These behaviors not only negatively impact their health, but academic performance as well.

5.    Apathy and fear motivate office bullying

And these negative emotions snake their way down the hierarchy if those in power positions feel isolated from decision-making processes. Unfortunately, many “hands-off” companies ultimately facilitate office bullying with their lax policies and enforcement, which particularly screws over lower-level employees.

6.    Four out of five LGBTQIA teens feel like they have no support from teachers and administrators

Both in and out of school, members of the LGBTQIA community remain some of the most vulnerable to bullying. When it comes to high schoolers, many feel as if no authority figures will guide them through regular brutality, leaving them more entrenched in depression and anxiety and at risk of self-destructive and suicidal behaviors.

7.    Twenty-two percent of LGBTQIA teens have skipped school for safety reasons

Within the past month, by the way. And thinking the adults in their high schools don’t care only exacerbates their desperate situations.

8.    There are three “styles” of bullying

Verbal, which involves any sort of aggressive, spoken taunts, insults, threats, hate speech and other piercing, damaging words. Physical, which should be self-explanatory. And social, which manifests itself via rumors, purposeful exclusions and other words and actions meant to isolate and ostracize from further away.

9.    Bullying increases the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors

In both victims and perpetrators, interestingly enough. However, the former are more at risk of suicidal actions, while guilty parties usually think more than behave. Females admitted to these unfortunate psychological constructs more often than males, although they plague both demographics

10.No state has passed laws regarding hazing or cyberbullying

However, every state except for South Dakota does have legislation guarding against harassment and/or bullying, so victims and, when applicable, their parents might want to be aware of what charges can and cannot be pressed. Unfortunately, though, the lack of cyberbullying and hazing laws makes it more difficult to defend the bullied brutalized from such situations.

11.More than half of minority students receive race- and ethnicity-related slurs in school

This statistics includes Latin American, Black/African-American, Asian, Pacific Islander and mixed-race students. Native Americans, however, experienced such bullying at a lessened, but still disconcerting, rate, at 43% reporting verbal harassment regarding their race and/or ethnicity. Roughly a quarter of Asian, Pacific Islander and Black/African-American kids and teens compromise their attendance in order to stay away from their bullies.

12.Native American students receive more bullying for their religious views than anything else

Although bullying targeting their race and ethnicity happens at a lower rate than their minority peers, 54% of Native American students suffer from verbal harassment regarding religion. A further 26% find themselves physically victimized for the same reasons. Over one-third end up skipping school to avoid persecution, making them and Latin Americans (whose statistics remain similar) the most likely to fall behind academically as a direct result of bullying.

13.Less than half of bullied minority students report incidents

Many feel as if teachers, administrators and even parents won’t properly address the issue, maybe even ignore it entirely. Of the individuals who do report bullying, less than half claimed the intervening adults did little to actually assuage a continuing problem.

14.The staggering majority of school bullying situations receive no intervention

Eighty-three percent, in fact. Only four percent of incidents involve intervening adults, and 11% see peers coming to victims’ defenses or acting as mediators. Seeing as how school bullying happens every seven minutes, that means a stomach-churning, heart-wrenching amount of students suffering alone.

15.Most kids are cyberbullies…and most kids are cyberbullied

Abusing one another online is apparently the hot new trend. Although 58% of children say they’ve received threatening or insulting comments online, with 40% saying it’s happened on multiple occasions. However, many of these victims turn right back around and lay the pain on others, as catharsis one would imagine. Fifty-three percent admitted they themselves perpetuated cyberbullying, and one in every three bullies said they did it more than once.

16.Eighty percent of arguments end in physical altercations

Arguments with bullies, of course. In fact, around 282,000 secondary school students end up attacked on campus every month, and one out of three report overhearing death threats.

17.Most education professionals consider bullying a “minor problem:”

Only eight percent think it serious or critical, as opposed to 35% for moderate, 47% for minor and, scarily enough, 10% for “not a problem.” However, the numbers do go up a bit when it comes to urban (15% consider bullying a major issue) and middle (15%) school professionals.

18.Most education professionals witness bullying approximately once a month

Approximately 25%, with 13% claiming they never saw any at all, 25% reporting two to three times a month, 16% saying once a week, 15% witnessing bullying several times a week and nine percent, sadly, watching it happen daily. All of this going down within the span of a month. Once again, rates increased in urban and middle school settings.

19.Eighty-nine percent of education professionals think it their job to intervene

On a less somber note, the majority of teachers and education support professionals do consider bullying intervention part of the job description. Now it’s just a matter of reaching out to and changing the hearts of the two percent who don’t.

20.The majority of schools have “formal bullying prevention efforts,” but not as many as one would think

Only 58% of American schools hold explicit anti-bullying policies and programs, although 62% of both the elementary and high school levels provide such services. Unfortunately, only 39% of educational professionals admit they take part in any available bullying prevention efforts. And schools without more formalized policies still have some sort of rules against it: 93% of all institutions, in fact.

21.But what’s the point, if only 54% of educational professionals receive anti-bullying training?

Which means 46% of teachers and education support professionals have no idea how to handle a bullying situation when it crops up. That certainly bodes well for their victimized students!

22.Twenty-one percent of middle and high schoolers report gang presence on campus

Within the previous six months, however. Students in urban areas with high gang activity are also twice as likely to fear commutes to and from school, as gang activity does increase one’s risk of becoming a bullying victim.

23.No gender delineation exists in bullying

Both males and females (if one must go with a bipolar gender model, anyways) are just as likely to be victims and perpetrators in a bullying situation. However, the ladies utilize social methods more than physical, while the menfolk prefer fists for fighting. In addition, public and private school dwellers hover at roughly the same bullying rates.

24.Six percent of students carry weapons to school

Although the rate dropped by half between 1993 and 2003, that number should still warrant concern. These findings, however, did not indicate motivations behind the presence of weapons, but many can presume self-defense ranks pretty high up there. In fact, four percent of students explicitly avoid certain corners of campus to protect themselves.

25.Teachers get bullied, too

Nineteen percent of principals reported that their teachers received taunts, threats and other disrespectful comments and actions on a daily or weekly basis. Student bullying most frequently receives media attention and scientific studies, but it happens to adults as well, both inside and outside the classroom.

Source:  Online College

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One in six lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered students faces these horrendous assaults based upon his or her perceived lifestyle. Sixty-one percent of LGBT students report not feeling safe at school and 44 percent report being physically harassed based solely upon their perceived sexual orientation. Comparatively, about 25 percent of heterosexual teens report being bullied at school.

Bullying in any form affects students’ ability to concentrate on schoolwork, but all too often LGBT students go to school fearing for their physical safety. This takes such a large emotional toll that sometimes students believe the only way to resolve the turmoil of their lives is to commit suicide.

Between July and September, 2010, four young men — Justin Aaber, age 15; Billy Lucas, age 15; Seth Walsh, age 13; and Asher Brown, age 13 — all committed suicide. These boys’ families said they had been harassed and bullied for being homosexual. Every year many young people like these kill themselves as a result of anti-homosexual bullying. The true number of victims may never be known because they often don’t feel comfortable confiding in adults about the harassment or the reason behind it.

Jamey Rodemeyer

Another tragedy occurred in September, 2011. Jamey Rodemeyer was a 14-year-old boy who’d been harassed at school and online for more than a year. Jamey had received some notoriety for posting a video on the It Gets Better website about how eventually, the harassment and intolerance for being a homosexual would stop, and that young people who are being bullied, particularly for their perceived sexuality, should not give up. Sadly, Jamey’s own stress proved too much for him to bear.
Since the school shootings of the mid-’90s at Columbine, Pearl, Mississippi, Jonesboro, and other places, schools around the nation have put additional emphasis on preventing bullying and stressing tolerance among students. However, the harm done by bullying related to sexual orientation often isn’t addressed in these lessons.

In a 2009 study by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight alliance, only 18 percent of teens who responded to a survey reported the anti-bullying programs in their schools addressed the issue of being bullied for perceived sexual orientation. Experts on bullying believe that if the specific behavior that needs to be addressed isn’t mentioned by name, then it probably won’t be changed. Schools want to remain neutral about sexuality issues for fear of public backlash, but so long as students aren’t explicitly told bullying on the basis of sexuality specifically is unacceptable, such harassment is likely to continue.

California’s anti-bullying program does address anti-homosexual behavior specifically. This law drew considerable fire and controversy because religious and other conservatives believed promoting tolerance of homosexuality is wrong and actually pushing a supposed gay agenda. Nevertheless, in July of 2011 Governor Jerry Brown signed into law a new bill that requires California schools to teach about the contributions of sexual minorities. Although not the direct objective of the bill, many anti-bullying advocates hope students will grow more tolerant of the LGBT community through awareness of their historical accomplishments.

Every day, students in America are being bullied because of their perceived sexual orientations. The result is all too often physical harm, whether from assaults by others or at suicidal students’ own hands. America still has a long way to go to ensure liberty and justice for all, even among schoolchildren.

Special contributor:  Elaine Hirsh – She is kind of a jack-of-all-interests, from education and history to medicine and videogames. This makes it difficult to choose  just one life path, so she is currently working as a writer for various education-related sites and writing about all these things instead.

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A special guest post from Blair Wagner of A Way Through helps sort through this dilemma.

Do you know your school's bullying policy?

Why Anti-bullying Programs Miss the Mark

As I direct my focus to a new school year about to begin, I reflect back on the past school year and the approaches I’ve seen schools take to address school bullying among their students and their staff.  The one that really misses the mark is starting an anti-bullying program.

It is common for us to see something we don’t like and to join an anti-[fill in the blank] campaign.  We talk about, write about, and complain about how bad it is.  Our focus is on resisting the thing we don’t like, in this case bullying.  We push against it.  And that’s the problem.

What We Resist Persists

There’s an old saying: What we resist persists. Put another way, when we are negative about an issue, we perpetuate or spread negativity.

When we jump on the anti-bullying bandwagon, our attention, energy and focus are on the negativity of bullying. From this place of negativity, we lack emotional access to positive solutions. The anti name has a persistent negative influence.

As an alternative to a dooms day attitude or an angry approach, a more effective option is to recognize the bullying we see.  Name it.  Be curious about it.  Look at it from several angles.  But don’t stay stuck there.

Once we’ve gotten clear on what we are seeing and where it is coming from, work to clarify what we DO want. We want better social skills, social competence, emotional intelligence, social intelligence, healthy friendships, a positive culture, a positive climate, and positive role models.

A Springboard to Create a Replacement of Bullying Behavior

This positive focus gives us a springboard to create what we want.

Once we know what we want in bullying prevention, our job is to provide structures, training, and ongoing support for our students and for our school staff – all based on a focus of creating what we want, not on stopping what we don’t want.

Let’s replace those anti-bullying posters (of kids bullying or being bullied) with posters representing healthy friendships and acts of kindness. Start social skills training early. Put forth positive examples, language and visuals everywhere to influence your students in a positive way!

© 2011 A Way Through, LLC

Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com.

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If manipulation, as a noun defined, is artful or skillful management, and as a verb, means to negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skillfully, or deviously, then manipulation, as a relationship tool, is just plain scary.  It’s a sideways method for getting what you want instead of using direct, honest communication.

In one sense, manipulation can be innocuous.  Parents use manipulative techniques to persuade their children to eat healthily.  And who among us hasn’t helped manage some sort of situation to pull off a surprise for someone’s birthday?  Intentions, in these cases, are meant to help or create a pleasant situation for someone else.  Both examples illustrate the sunnier side of manipulation.  But there is a dark side, a very dark side.

The Shadow Side of Manipulation

When kids meet and form new friendships, there is joy and abandon.  This is particularly true for our youngest.  Small children form bonds easily with little thought of gain or how a friendship could improve their social status.  They just want to play.  It doesn’t take long, though, for cliques to form and manipulation to begin.

Kids discover ways to keep others from joining in play.  Changing the truth just a little can keep an unpleasant situation at bay.  Forgetting on purpose can explain away an indiscretion.  And gathering a group together to “explain” one version of a story first before someone else’s opposing view can be told gives a certain stronghold over the most believable version of the truth.

It’s natural for kids to experiment with manipulation, but it’s a sad place to stay.   With girls and boys equally using it, anyone who continually succeeds through manipulation increases their chances of becoming a manipulative adult.  Spending enough time with a relationship manipulator eventually exposes their MO.  Unfortunately for the manipulator, relationships are shallow and ever changing.  It becomes a heartache for manipulators and their targets alike.

Victim, Victim – Who Gets to Be the Victim?

A masterful manipulator knows how to appear as the wronged party.  The best defense is a good offense; that is the manipulator’s mantra.  She knows how to set things up.  Victim is the desired role, because if you are the victim, you cannot be in the wrong.   Let me illustrate through roles and age groups:
Preschool:  Sarah retrieves a toy Mia has just snatched out of her hands. (Mia, crying to an adult)  “Sarah took my toy!”  Sarah is reprimanded to share.
Siblings:  Younger Child wants to play with Older Child’s science experiment.  Older Child, not wanting to have the school assignment destroyed, denies the request.   Younger Child cries to Parent that Older Child is mean.  Older Child is reprimanded because, of course, she/he is older and should know better.  (Younger Child smiles at Older Child)
Grade School:  A group of girls calls Mary names.  Mary, in tears, says she will report the group to the teacher after recess.   After recess, the group reaches the teacher first and reports that Mary has been calling them names.
Junior High and High School:  Maria and Eve were friends who told each other everything.  Their relationship included privately venting about others and sharing their opinions.  A fight ends the relationship, so Eve seeks “justice” by proclaiming herself Victim while sharing Maria’s private, negative views of others.  As a result, Maria is ostracized, and Victim Eve is embraced.
Romantic Relationships:  Maggie doesn’t like Josh’s friends, so each time he goes out with them, she sulks for days.  When Josh asks what’s wrong, Maggie responds, “Nothing.”
Work:  Analise’s boss asked her to do extra assignments without any compensation.  When Analise spoke up to say she would need extra compensation to pay for her babysitter’s additional time, the boss became incensed.  In conversations now, the boss calls Analise his Prima Dona employee.  When others ask about the obvious change in their relationship, he just shrugs his shoulders as if to suggest she is a difficult employee.  His actions cause others to stay away from Analise.
Character Qualities That Eschew Victimhood and Embrace Self-Efficacy

To raise a 21st Century Citizen who is able to become happy, self-reliant and successful in relationships and life itself, guide your child to live these five character qualities.  They are the antidotes to manipulation:

1. Respect
2. Responsibility
3. Resiliency
4. Honesty
5. Courage

When you respect yourself and others, it allows you to be honest in your communications and to take responsibility for your words and actions.  Resiliency gets you through the difficult times, and courage helps keep you in alignment with the other character values.

What gifts you will give your child – your guidance toward characteristics that lead to fulfilling relationships without manipulation and victimhood!

© 2011 A Way Through, LLC

Source and contributors:  Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com.

Sibling Rivalry - Is it form of bullying?

Bullying in America is epidemic.

Nearly 1 in 5 students in an average classroom is experiencing bullying

Bullying starts in many American homes.

Each year, siblings abuse 19 million children…in their own home.

Nearly 2 million children use a weapon as a means of resolving a physical confrontation with a sibling.

Siblings commit 10 percent of the murders in the American family.

The linkage between bullying and sibling abuse has been grossly overlooked.

Order today!

Girl In The Water: Bullying Starts At Home. The research link between bullying and sibling abuse can’t be overlooked

By Nancy Kilgore, M.S.

Bullying in America is at epidemic levels, often starting in the American home. Each year, 19 million children are abused in their homes by their own siblings. Nearly two million children use a weapon as a means of resolving a conflict with a sibling. Siblings commit 10 percent of the murders that occur in the American family.

Research has shown a solid link between bullying and sibling abuse. Children who are abused by their siblings are often targets to bullies and often become bullies. The terrifying world of sibling abuse and bullying is exposed in this book. The author’s account is a “first” in the nation.

It is a brilliantly written portrayal that offers a rare and riveting glimpse of what lies beneath the surface of millions of children’s and adult’s lives. The author’s first bully was in her home…her own sister. The author leads the reader on a journey back to her childhood home—where she is confronted with her young dreams and fears, her familial bonds, and the profound, lingering influences that sibling abuse and bullying had on her adulthood and parenting. Resembling the scariest fairy tale, the author’s personal story is narrated with a singular devotion to re-telling her experiences, no matter what the cost.

Like a fairytale, it provides lessons for us all concerning the tragedies and experiences of victims of bullying and sibling abuse. It grips the reader’s imagination with the same unrelenting moral force that fairy tales have for children. This unique story breaks the seal to what has been hidden in so many American homes…sibling abuse. It is a hopeful story for millions of children and adults. This book is comprehensive and has a bibliography, resources and informational strategies for parents and adult survivors.

Learn more here.

Order on Amazon!

Watch powerful video of an introduction to this book.

Follow this author on Twitter.

1. Talk to Your Kids: You may talk to your kids about homework, grades and school activities every day, but there are bigger issues happening in school that deserve to be discussed, as well. Bullying is a serious topic that parents and kids seem to skirt over far too often. An effective way to prevent bullying is to talk to your children about bullying. Depending on your relationship with your child and their willingness to share, you may have to wait until they approach you instead of prying information out of them. It takes a great deal of courage for your child to tell you that he or she is being bullied, so it’s important that you take it seriously and keep your emotions in check. Reiterate to your child that you want to help end the bullying and prevent it from happening again. Don’t hold back from asking your son or daughter who was involved, how it happened, and where each bullying incident has taken place. The more details you can obtain about the bullying episodes, the greater the chance of putting an end to the abuse when you contact school officials.
2. Listen to Your Kids: Once you’ve established an open line of communication with your child, it’s so important that you listen intently to what he or she is saying. Listen to the details of your child’s bullying episodes so you can report these facts to school officials. Bullying is a sensitive subject for both the child and parent. You may be tempted to lash out at the bully’s parents or give the school a piece of your mind, but this irrational behavior could make matters worse. Before jumping to action, allow your child to share his or her experiences and simply listen. If your kid hasn’t opened up about being bullied or bullying others, give them a chance to tell you first, but always keep your ears open for anything that’s out of the norm or worrisome.
3. Look for Signs: Children of all ages have a way of keeping things from their parents, especially when they are being bullied. Your son or daughter may hold back from telling you because they are embarrassed, don’t want to be a “tattletale” or are afraid that you might intervene and make it worse. If you think something could be wrong but your child’s lips are sealed, you should be on the lookout for signs of bullying. You may not necessarily see your child crying or sulking, but there are almost always signs that something is wrong. Victims of bullying often display signs of depression, loneliness and feel sick more than ever. Be observant of any unusual behavior, attitude changes and avoidance of social activities, and gently approach your child about these issues to see if bullying is the cause.
4. Stop Bullying in Progress: Many adults stay out of bullying incidents because they want kids to work it out together. The problem is kids usually don’t work things out and the bullying only continues to get worse when left alone. Parents can’t be afraid to stop bullying incidents in progress and break things up. Even children can prevent or stop bullying incidents in progress by verbally or physically defending the victim and displaying their moral engagement. Intervening in a bullying incident gives parents a chance to set things straight with both children and protect the victim from further harm. Most bullying incidents take place after school, so a parent might be able to observe a confrontation at this time. Parents should encourage their kids to stop bullying in progress, whether they interject or get a school official to. No one should turn their back on a bullying incident. Period.
5. Do Not Encourage Physical Retaliation: Never encourage physical retaliation as a means to prevent bullying. No matter how mad you are that your child has been bullied, you can’t fight abuse with abuse. Not only does fighting completely contradict this moral lesson, but it could also get your son or daughter suspended, expelled or make the situation worse. Teach your child to ignore bullies and walk away before anyone gets physical, then report the event to a school official or someone of authority.
6. Contact School Officials: One surefire way to prevent bullying is to bring it to the school’s attention. Parents should contact school officials, such as teachers, principals and school counselors and give them factual information about the bullying events. It’s important to emphasize that you expect the bullying to stop and will work closely with the school staff to find a solution for your child and other victims of bullying. School officials will contact the parents of the child who was bullying to make them aware of the issue and set up parent-teacher conferences if need be.
7. Help Your Child be Resilient: As you work with your child and school officials to put an end to the bullying incidents, you can help your child become more resilient to bullying. Shifting their attention towards something positive will help them overcome the emotional effects of being bullied. You should encourage your kids to develop new talents or participate in positive activities, such as art, sports or music to highlight their positive attributes and help them make new friends outside of class.
8. Teach Moral Values and Give Love at Home: As a parent, you have a direct influence on your child’s social behavior, beliefs and treatment of others. Children who bully generally come from homes that lack warmth, supervision and parent involvement, and emphasize harsh, physical discipline and bullying. It’s never too late for parents to teach moral values and ethical behavior to their kids. Children should feel safe and loved in their home, and there should always be open lines of communication between parents and their children. In order to prevent bullying, you can’t allow bullying in your household either.
9. Set Clear Rules in Your House: If your son or daughter bullies other children, you need to take this issue very seriously and nip it in the bud before it worsens. Parents of bullies should take an active role to stop bullying and prevent it. One way to curb bullying is to set clear rules in your house and make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated under any circumstances. In addition, teach children about genuine empathy and help them understand the impact of their behavior.
10. Join or Start a Bullying Prevention Group: Parents can stay involved in the school’s efforts to prevent bullying and take a proactive stance on this serious issue. You can do so by joining or starting a bullying prevention group that puts this real life issue into perspective for parents. No one person can stop bullying alone, nor should it be the sole responsibility of a school official. Parents, teachers, principals, administrators and counselors should work together to prevent bullying at schools. They can meet to discuss bullying issues at the school and report incidents, as well as plan bullying prevention rules, policies and activities that will make a difference in the culture of the school.

Source: Criminal Justice Guide

Register today!!!!

Everyone who educates, counsels or parents girls kindergarten through grade 2 is invited to register for a free teleclass series about emotional bullying (relational aggression) in girls. On Tuesday, November 16, 2010, at 3:30 p.m. central time, A Way Through, LLC, will conduct the first of two content-rich calls focused on helping young girls through friendship problems. Register now for “When Girls Hurt Girls^®: How to Guide Girls (Grades K-2) through Painful Friendships and Emotional Bullying” at www.awaythrough.com/teleclass3.htm.

“This teleclass series will help anyone — elementary school counselors, administrators and teachers as well as parents — guide kindergarten through grade 2 girls to solve their own friendship problems before they even start,” said Blair Wagner, co-founder of A Way Through, LLC.

“Research shows that relational aggression can start as young as age 2 — when kids start making friends,” said Jane Balvanz, an elementary school counselor and co-founder of A Way Through, LLC. “It makes sense to start at the foundation of girlhood, because early prevention of relational aggression promotes healthy friendships and reduces the damage it can inflict upon children. Plus, girls this age eagerly participate and learn from our techniques.”

Over the past year, A Way Through released curricula for When Girls Hurt Girls^® Grades 3-5 and Grades 6-8. This teleclass series will introduce the Grades K-2 materials, which address developmental milestones in young girls and how those milestones relate to friendships. According to the authors, Balvanz and Wagner, the curriculum introduces two new techniques — Whisper Coaching™ and Neutral Talk™ — which enable educators and parents to coach young girls who can’t read and provide responses that allow girls to think and feel for themselves.

“Choosing positive friendships and assertively addressing emotional bullying are skills young girls need to cultivate now, so they can successfully navigate their future,” said Balvanz, who will co-present with Wagner. “We’re excited to answer some questions about girls and painful friendships.”

The new K-2 guidebooks will be available for purchase online at www.awaythrough.com. Those who attend the teleclass will learn how to receive a limited time offer on the Grades K-2 materials. Register for this free 45-minute call at www.awaythrough.com/teleclass3.htm.

About A Way Through, LLC

A Way Through, LLC, enables educators and parents to guide girls in grades K-8 through painful friendships. The company developed When Girls Hurt Girls^®, a series of CDs, educational guides and other products, to empower girls to solve their own friendship problems. A Way Through also offers workshops for schools, youth organizations and others to help educators, parents and girls handle the difficult situations girls face with relational aggression. For details, see www.AWayThrough.com.